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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to announce pregnancy on my terms?

82 replies

doesparentingsuck · 15/07/2021 20:08

Very early stages of my pregnancy and came up in discussion of when we tell people.

Last pregnant you ended in miscarriage - I wanted to tell my parents and siblings that's it. DH disagreed so all of his family found out including uncles aunts etc. Then he told his friends. I told no one only immediate family.

DH has no siblings so thought it unfair that I'm telling more people than him if he only told immediate family as he has no siblings and therefore his aunts uncles are his immediate family.

Anyway fast forward I'm now pregnant again. He says it's all or nothing - in other words if I tell anyone he has the right to tell who he wants,

I've explained it MY body changing not his, and my mother and sister will be able to offer support in these early days as they've been through it so why again can't we just tell parents and my siblings. He says no and we either keep it secret or no picking and choosing who will tell.

I don't want anyone im not close to knowing again about the pregnancy failing but equally I want those close to me to be able to offer advice from an early stage.

AIBU to think he's being cheeky, insensitive and down right nasty about this?

OP posts:
Phrowzunn · 15/07/2021 21:13

Did you honestly have no idea he was like this before you decided to marry and procreate with him? I have no idea why he is being such an asshole but also can’t understand why you would choose this guy as the father of your children. Honestly. This guy??
FWIW both times I was pregnant I told my parents and my sister as I needed their support and we waited until after the 12-week scan to tell DH’s parents and anyone else we wanted to tell (and I very fortunately didn’t experience a loss, this would have been even more important if I had) and DH did not question this because - wait for it - he’s not a total asshole!

NeepNeepNeep · 15/07/2021 21:15

Funnily enough people don't always show their true colours straight away. I imagine most of us would avoid interacting with arseholes if it were patently obvious.

Sally872 · 15/07/2021 21:32

He is behaving really badly. I would have an honest conversation explain how you feel and why you want to keep it private to parents and siblings only. And if he can't respect your wishes you will be very hurt and it will change your opinion of him. You feel like he is trying to bully you into telling everyone because he is excited, forgetting that you want to keep it private because you are worried. You wish you could shout it from the rooftops but you are scared and want privacy if it goes wrong.

Then do what you want to do, tell your parents. See what he does and I wouldn't blame you for not moving past it.

notalwaysalondoner · 15/07/2021 21:33

This is very weird, especially considering you’ve previously had a miscarriage. I know I was so glad after my first miscarriage at 10 weeks that we hadn’t told many people, only my parents and sister knew at that point, it was a relief not to have to inform lots of people (we’ve since been very open about it with all our wider family and friends, but at the time it was great not to have to deal with other people’s reactions). This time around we told only our parents until after the twelve week scan. It’s not a competition, I would agree when he can tell his parents and that you need the support considering your miscarriage. If you have to you could compromise that you can both tell your parents but no one else.

Otherwise if he won’t even agree to that, I’d lie and tell my parents and sister and tell him I hadn’t, to be honest. But if that’s what it comes to I’d be very worried, it’s not a good way to start a family…

Just10moreminutesplease · 15/07/2021 21:42

I think you are both being a little unfair (understandably, given your previous loss).

If you are telling your mum and sister I think he has the right to tell his immediate family too, I don’t think he can choose to tell anyone else though.

Medically a pregnancy ‘belongs’ solely to the mother but emotionally the baby is your husband’s too. He might also need the support of family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers.

Original poster
doesparentingsuck · 15/07/2021 21:57

@Just10moreminutesplease thank you.

What would you consider to be his immediate family though given he has no siblings? This is where the debate comes in. I don't think aunts and uncles are included with that but he does.

OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 15/07/2021 22:11

[quote doesparentingsuck]@Just10moreminutesplease thank you.

What would you consider to be his immediate family though given he has no siblings? This is where the debate comes in. I don't think aunts and uncles are included with that but he does. [/quote]
I think given how you feel he should stick to just his parents... I do sympathise with him wanting to tell aunts and uncles though (When I was pregnant I told my aunties and a couple of select cousins along with our parents because we are very close and I wanted their support. Luckily my partner didn’t mind though).

I think only you know whether he genuinely wants his family’s support, or whether it’s about getting one over on you. If it’s the latter then he’s behaving exceptionally poorly.

okokok000 · 15/07/2021 22:23

He is being incredibly petty. I'm in a similar position (loss at 5 months ruptured ectopic, another miscarriage) and recently pregnant. My mil isn't great, so we've agreed to tell my parents and no one else. I just can't bear the thought of having to deal with peoples pity and disappointment if things go wrong.

I'd point out as diplomatically as you can that the point scoring/equalising thing is pathetic. At this stage you need people that are going to be able to support you, not just revel in the news (however well intended) and spread the news before you're ready.

Original poster
doesparentingsuck · 15/07/2021 22:30

@okokok000

I just can't bear the thought of having to deal with peoples pity and disappointment if things go wrong.

This is exactly how I feel. And sorry for your loss Flowers

OP posts:
spinningspaniels · 15/07/2021 22:34

As if being pregnant after a miscarriage isn't stressful enough, he's putting more stress on you by niggling about who knows what and how many people you're telling? He sounds very petty and childish.

When I fell pregnant after our baby was stillborn, I was terrified about things going wrong and we didn't tell anyone until my 20 week scan apart from my parents. DH never once questioned it and was happy to go along with whatever stressed me the least.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/07/2021 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kona84 · 15/07/2021 22:35

My first pregnancy we told close family so parents, siblings I have 8 siblings my partner has 2 he didn’t even the playing field by telling more people.
It ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks.

This pregnancy we decided we would wait until 12 week scan to tell anyone- we then told close family and friends personally and then did a Facebook/insta announcement.

Since you want the early support I would confide in your mum or a sibling without him knowing and agree to keep it a secret until after first scan.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/07/2021 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Youdiditanyway · 15/07/2021 22:37

Sounds like a selfish dick. You asked him not to do it and he should respect your wishes. I don’t think he’s mature enough to have a child.

theSunday · 15/07/2021 22:38

You’re absolutely in the right if you insist on deciding who you tell. Your body. And sorry, uncles and aunties?! No way, soz.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

MeanyJoany · 15/07/2021 22:42

Whatever way you handle this is going to set the marker for labour, who's in the ward, who knows you are in labour, who knows first when you are in labour, who gets contacted first after the birth, who visits first and on and on and on. (Who knows you have piles/stitches by the sounds of it). If you want your mother he will want his mam, dad, aunty Mary and uncle Tim. It won't matter that you want your mother for support and you could be bleeding and leaking and sore oh no uncle Tim is in too or your mother is out. Sort it out now

Aria2015 · 15/07/2021 22:51

@doesparentingsuck I think he's unreasonable. I've had multiple miscarriages (including my first and second pregnancies) and my dh just did whatever made me feel happier / less anxious. In my case, I told my mum really early on because she's a great source of support. But we didn't tell his parents until we'd had a successful 12 week scan. For me, the more people that knew the more anxious I got. Plus I hated all the excited pregnancy talk that came when people found out. I think that given your previous loss, your husband should be supporting you and doing whatever it takes to reduce any anxiety. It's not a competition. Also, I didn't tell some really close friends and family until I was 20+ weeks and no one was upset or offended I hadn't told them sooner once I explained why I'd held off telling them.

Miarara · 15/07/2021 23:18

YANBU we told the people we would tell if I had a miscarriage before 12 weeks. The reason being I had a miscarriage at 6 and a half weeks and had to tell people I was having a miscarriage having never even told them I was pregnant. The second time we told those we were close enough to know the first time, so my parents, my brother, my manager, his manager, his best mate, another friend as we were away with them and would wonder why I wasn't drinking, my best friend and a colleague I do the same job as who also helped hide my morning sickness. Everyone else we told after the 12 week scan. It shouldn't be tit for tat on who gets told when.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 15/07/2021 23:44

Op I think you will regret having a baby with dickhead.

Ohhyeahright · 15/07/2021 23:49

Oh op
You’re in for a world of disappointment with this one.
I’m so sorry

Takenoprisoner · 16/07/2021 00:05

Op, I agree with @MeanyJoany. Everything will be a competition, down to how often your respective parents see the dc. Counselling might be worth having.

Also, remember many controlling and abusive men show their true colours when the woman is pregnant.

AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 00:45

What a tit. Just wait until baby arrives and he equalises sleep, nappy changing, feeds etc.
You're in for fun.
He's being ridiculous. Ask him what real difference it makes if your sibling knows and why he then would feel the need to cause you unnecessary stress by playing this tit for tat game and telling every person he knows.

This would be a huge sign for me that we are going to have problems. If he can't respect you at this sensitive time.
What's he going to do at the birth? Announce that baby is here, invite his parents and colleagues if your sister goes first to see baby.
Sounds stressful and annoying.

AwakeAwake · 16/07/2021 00:48

@MeanyJoany

Whatever way you handle this is going to set the marker for labour, who's in the ward, who knows you are in labour, who knows first when you are in labour, who gets contacted first after the birth, who visits first and on and on and on. (Who knows you have piles/stitches by the sounds of it). If you want your mother he will want his mam, dad, aunty Mary and uncle Tim. It won't matter that you want your mother for support and you could be bleeding and leaking and sore oh no uncle Tim is in too or your mother is out. Sort it out now
This perfectly sums up your future op.
yacketyyak · 16/07/2021 00:51

Christ the night

I think your only option at this stage is to pretend you won't tell anyone, then tell your mum and sis right away
He's such a dick I'm annoyed for you!
As a pp said... is he going to equalise on night feeds, bottle washing, nappy changes, washing out of shitty vests when the poonami comes?!
I doubt it

Why are there so many fucking man children?!

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 16/07/2021 05:29

I've never met the man and I hate him already.

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