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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to announce pregnancy on my terms?

82 replies

doesparentingsuck · 15/07/2021 20:08

Very early stages of my pregnancy and came up in discussion of when we tell people.

Last pregnant you ended in miscarriage - I wanted to tell my parents and siblings that's it. DH disagreed so all of his family found out including uncles aunts etc. Then he told his friends. I told no one only immediate family.

DH has no siblings so thought it unfair that I'm telling more people than him if he only told immediate family as he has no siblings and therefore his aunts uncles are his immediate family.

Anyway fast forward I'm now pregnant again. He says it's all or nothing - in other words if I tell anyone he has the right to tell who he wants,

I've explained it MY body changing not his, and my mother and sister will be able to offer support in these early days as they've been through it so why again can't we just tell parents and my siblings. He says no and we either keep it secret or no picking and choosing who will tell.

I don't want anyone im not close to knowing again about the pregnancy failing but equally I want those close to me to be able to offer advice from an early stage.

AIBU to think he's being cheeky, insensitive and down right nasty about this?

OP posts:
GreenCrayon · 15/07/2021 20:28

@doesparentingsuck

The thing is he is generally a very mature person in most other things and my post does not reflect him most of the time - but it still saddens me he is doing this
Given how he is behaving I honestly find that really hard to believe. What are his good qualities?
User0ne · 15/07/2021 20:29

You seem to have a lot of quite fundamental things that you disagree on.

I hope your pregnancy goes well. I can't see your relationship lasting though.

icecreamgirl94 · 15/07/2021 20:29

YANBU and he doesn’t sound very understanding or open to discussion on this. DP and I have had 2 losses, first time we’d told family, second time we’d agreed to tell no one. Third time we didn’t tell anyone until nearly 5 months pregnant and even then we were both scared of jinxing things which is obviously silly but my point is I completely understand why you don’t want to tell anyone until you’re ready.
Sorry for your loss and good luck with your pregnancy Flowers

Original poster
doesparentingsuck · 15/07/2021 20:29

@Standrewsschool

In his family, does news usually get distributed around the wider family, ie. aunts and uncles etc., rather than just immediate family? If so, maybe it’s not a case of equalling up numbers -more of a you tell everyone or no-one situation.
Yes it is a bit of that but I think it's unfair. Why should I let his whole family know something very personal to me. I don't want sympathy if I lose this baby I cba with the constant 'are you ok' and 'I'm sorry it happened'
OP posts:
Drivingmeupthewall · 15/07/2021 20:31

He sounds spiteful, selfish and downright fucking stupid.

What is wrong with him?

You’ve endured a miscarriage and instead of supporting you, he’s being a cunt and threatening to tell all his work colleagues and getting competitive.

It might be his baby, but it is your body, you’re pregnancy and your medical information.

MimiDaisy11 · 15/07/2021 20:31

Congrats and best wishes with your pregnancy.

You’re being reasonable. He however sounds immature- wanting to tell the same amount of people- it’s what a teenager would demand to.

Drivingmeupthewall · 15/07/2021 20:32

Your pregnancy*

Horst · 15/07/2021 20:34

Tell your family and swear then to secrecy.

Ask him if every time he has something medical, with his penis, prostate or bowls or anus could you straight away tell Your entire family because it wouldn’t be fair for him to share his medical information with people if you can’t too.

Therunecaster · 15/07/2021 20:34

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

If you weren’t already pregnant I’d be rethinking the plan of having a baby with such a man child.
My thoughts exactly.
DreamingofTimbuktu · 15/07/2021 20:36

He’s being ridiculous. Tell your mum and sister and lie to him.

Cloudninenine · 15/07/2021 20:36

He is being a cunt

BeardieWeirdie · 15/07/2021 20:36

What a twat. Given that he knows that a positive test does not automatically mean you’re having a baby, it’s even more grotesque that he’s being like this. It’s your body, your news, your decision. I’d want to bin him off but would settle for lying that you’ll tell no-one then tell your mum anyway. She will already know he’s a prick and will understand.

NeepNeepNeep · 15/07/2021 20:37

I hate him and I've never met him.

Owlshouse · 15/07/2021 20:42

Tell mother and sister, explain the situation to them (so they can support you around his childish behaviour also) and if anything ever comes out say your mother/sister guessed themselves as they know you so well and noticed small changes like you were unwell, bloated/fuller tummy etc and that they asked you and you couldn't lie to them.

Original poster
doesparentingsuck · 15/07/2021 20:43

I should also add I agreed to keep it secret until week 12 and then if we can hold off telling kore than those close to us for a while longer but this wasn't something he would agree to either. Said he's happy to hide it from people for four five months but not if anyone at all knows, basically his theory is if one person knows then who he decides to tell after that is his prerogative

OP posts:
Mooloolabababy · 15/07/2021 20:49

It's a worrying sign op, I have to say. He sounds very petty and childish. Not the best traits in dh and definitely not in a parent!

cansu · 15/07/2021 20:50

It is hard to understand why he is being such a twat. It is true that telling some family and not others is likely to fail as it doesn't take much for someone to let it slip. I really however cannot see why work colleagues etc need to know. His attitude seems quite unkind. Is he a real twat normally?

Chloemol · 15/07/2021 20:52

I would sit down and explain to him how difficult it was for you last time, with everyone knowing on his side including friends, then having to tell everyone what happened, it’s your body and hormones that are affected more than his.

Then agree that you tell parents only and ask parents to keep it quiet until how ever many months if he really can’t see that his aunts etc are not the same as your siblings

If he won’t agree to that then I think that speaks volumes about him, and I would be seriously considering the relationship as he seems incapable of understanding your point here

thequeenoftarts · 15/07/2021 20:55

Personally would put it to him like this, he can tell who he choses, but if/when he does I will be leaving him and filing for divorce and see if that shakes his tiny man brain back into order.

LettyLoman · 15/07/2021 20:56

He’s not on your team.

Telling randoms about your miscarriage? Is he envious that you will be more important than him because you’re pregnant? I’m trying to work out why he can’t see outside his personal preferences.

MiniCooperLover · 15/07/2021 20:58

What worries me about his attitude to this is his attitude when baby is born. Is it all going to be a competition ??!

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 15/07/2021 20:58

I think you’re massively overthinking this. It’s his baby too. He has just as much right to share the the news.

Bananarice · 15/07/2021 20:58

I think you both should chose the person/ people you want to support you. In the same way you might want to discuss probable nausea and different ways to treat it. He might want to have people to speak to about any worries he might have. Like is why is it taking me so long to visualise baby, while it is in the stomach? Dh had that question and after speaking to his brother he felt better. He didn't want to worry me at the time, I had enough on my plate.

Maybe you could give him the responsibility of telling people if things went wrong. And that they are not allowed to speak about the pregnancy to you yet? Would putting in restrictions concerning you make you feel better?

PattyPan · 15/07/2021 21:03

I wouldn’t have even told him if this is how he’s going to behave!

Throckmorton · 15/07/2021 21:07

Why are you with him? Seriously - he's telling you how much he values you, and its not a lot. Tell your parents and sister and tell them not to let him know they know. And then have a long hard think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.