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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to not offer to water plants?

71 replies

Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 16:59

Background: Me and NDN have both been on a bit of a gardening vibe this year. We've been to the garden centre together and regularly chat plants. We have a running joke about us desperately trying to keep our plants alive because we're both novices.

Extra background (related): Her husband is a bit of a dick. He's not violent or abusive but selfish, lazy and a sulky man-child. I can give a list of examples if needed but won't clog the OP Grin

Here's the situation: She's going away for a couple of weeks soon when it's meant to be very hot and sunny. She said she's concerned about her plants dying because she doesn't know whether her husband will bother to water them.

So was I BU: I didn't offer to water them because it's not like the plants are home alone. I figured it's her husband's house/garden/plants so his responsibility. Even if he has no interest in the plants, he should at least take 10 minutes to water them for his wife, right?

But now I feel bad because I think she genuinely is worried about all her gardening efforts going to waste. It'd only be a case of me flopping the hosepipe over the wall and dousing them so no real hassle for me.

But then I flip back to thinking why the fuck should I, her lazy man-child of a husband should do it.

OP posts:
Wizotto · 15/07/2021 17:03

YANBU. Her DH should step up.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/07/2021 17:05

If she really worridd she would get self watering systems.
I used upside down bottles on my plants in and out when I left for couple of weeks.

Dizzy1234 · 15/07/2021 17:05

Ahh do her a favour and water her plants, her husband sounds a right tool

OhRene · 15/07/2021 17:05

Her husband should step up. If he really is horrible then I wouldn't want anything to do with their property when your friend is not at home. I wouldn't be willing to put myself into that position.

3JsMa · 15/07/2021 17:07

YANBU,her DH is there.
Your last sentence is exactly the right way to think,nothing else.

TheAwfuITruth · 15/07/2021 17:07

Hmm. I think I'd water her plants.

It doesn't sound like her husband would give much of a shit if they frazzled, but she'd be sad.

So I'd do it.

Jasmine11 · 15/07/2021 17:08

But it doesn't sound like the husband has anything to do with the plants so he probably doesn't (rightly or wrongly) see that it's his responsibility, so ignoring him, I would offer to do it as it's helping a friend out rather than enabling a lazy husband. Take him out of the equation and ask yourself if you want to help your friend or not - if not fair enough but if you are just not offering to make a point to her husband then that seems a bit pointless as he probably wouldn't notice that anyway.

Original poster
Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 17:08

@OhRene

Her husband should step up. If he really is horrible then I wouldn't want anything to do with their property when your friend is not at home. I wouldn't be willing to put myself into that position.
He's not horrible in an abusive, violent kind of way. I'm absolutely not remotely scared of him so theoretically have no issue dealing with her property when she's not there even if he is.

But he's a twat so I try to minimise contact with him in general.

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 15/07/2021 17:08

Don't offer to help, however when she is gone u can always pop the house over the fence if the plants are looking dry? Won't be extra hassle for you and no one will have any expectations from you, but u will get to help NDN and and when needed/you feel like it

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/07/2021 17:10

Of course it's down to her dh if he's going to be there.
That said, if I saw the plants looking the worse for wear I would actually just point the hosepipe over.

RunningFromInsanity · 15/07/2021 17:10

Water the plants.
She obviously got a dick husband to deal with, why wouldn’t you make her life a bit nicer when you’ve said yourself it’s not really a lot of effort on your part.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/07/2021 17:11

If you keep the plants alive, though, make sure you tell her what you did.
No point in letting Lazy arse get the credit!

Original poster
Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 17:11

@Jasmine11

But it doesn't sound like the husband has anything to do with the plants so he probably doesn't (rightly or wrongly) see that it's his responsibility, so ignoring him, I would offer to do it as it's helping a friend out rather than enabling a lazy husband. Take him out of the equation and ask yourself if you want to help your friend or not - if not fair enough but if you are just not offering to make a point to her husband then that seems a bit pointless as he probably wouldn't notice that anyway.
But he is in the equation. If she was on her own (single, divorced, widowed etc.) then I absolutely wouldn't hesitate to offer. But she's not. She has a perfectly able-bodies husband.

My DP also has nothing to do with my garden. It's been my project entirely and he doesn't really have any interest. But if I went away he'd water the plants just because he'd know how much it means to me (i.e. he'd do it for me, his partner, rather than the plants IYSWIM).

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 15/07/2021 17:11

I'd do my best to water them without upsetting him. not her fault her husband is a dick. I would also be making suggestions that it is not ok for him to behave like that. it took a lot of drip drip drip from drs. hospital nurses, police mumsnet before I had the courage to leave as it was not ok what he was doing.

Original poster
Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 17:12

@GreyhoundG1rl

Of course it's down to her dh if he's going to be there. That said, if I saw the plants looking the worse for wear I would actually just point the hosepipe over.
This is a great idea. I don't know why I didn't think of this Hmm
OP posts:
Myneighboursnorlax · 15/07/2021 17:13

You could say something like “I know you’re worried about your DH forgetting to water your plants, so I’ll keep an eye out and if it looks like he’s not been doing them then I’ll stick the hose over the wall, so you don’t need to worry”

That way you aren’t taking full responsibility, and her husband is still expected to step up, but might reassure her that she won’t come home to a garden of dead plants.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/07/2021 17:13

Sorry, op, I wasn't being snarky. I agree with you about it being entirely her dh's problem.

Original poster
Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 17:14

@RunningFromInsanity

Water the plants. She obviously got a dick husband to deal with, why wouldn’t you make her life a bit nicer when you’ve said yourself it’s not really a lot of effort on your part.
Thing is, I don't think she realises what an absolute dick he is. She always has an excuse for why he's a twat so she doesn't really realise that she's dealing with a dick of a husband.
OP posts:
sandgrown · 15/07/2021 17:14

My new NDN inherited an easy care garden but freely admits he knows nothing . He was left a couple of nice potted plants that were looking weary so I water them with mine . I guess he thinks they just survive but I hate to see them dying

TheAwfuITruth · 15/07/2021 17:14

My DP also has nothing to do with my garden. It's been my project entirely and he doesn't really have any interest. But if I went away he'd water the plants just because he'd know how much it means to me (i.e. he'd do it for me, his partner, rather than the plants IYSWIM)

But if you think her husband wouldn't do the same for her, who are you 'not helping'? He won't care, she'll have dead plants

Original poster
Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 17:15

@GreyhoundG1rl

Sorry, op, I wasn't being snarky. I agree with you about it being entirely her dh's problem.
Ugh, no sorry. I wasn't being snarky either. I genuinely hadn't thought of it.

My Hmm face was at myself for being so thick.

Sorry.

OP posts:
Jasmine11 · 15/07/2021 17:15

He isn't really in the equation in terms of watering plants though as he is a proven lazy man child, so you are kind of cutting off your friends nose to spite the face of someone who won't even notice what you are doing, so the only person losing out will be your friend when all her plants die 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 17:18

@Jasmine11

He isn't really in the equation in terms of watering plants though as he is a proven lazy man child, so you are kind of cutting off your friends nose to spite the face of someone who won't even notice what you are doing, so the only person losing out will be your friend when all her plants die 🤷🏻‍♀️
I totally get you but he also does absolutely zero cleaning in their house. So their house will be filthy while she's away. And she's a bit of a neat/clean freak so this will upset her. By the same logic, I should pop over for five minutes and give it a quick hoover. But that'd be madness so why is the garden different?

But I absolutely do get you and totally take your point.

OP posts:
Jasmine11 · 15/07/2021 17:22

I think the garden is different as it is yours and hers shared interest and also if her plants die they are dead, but if her house doesn't get cleaned then it'll be annoying for her but she won't have to start from scratch again so not quite the same thing :)

HirplesWithHaggis · 15/07/2021 17:23

The plants are living things, the carpets are not. PP has the right idea, sling a bit of water at them if they look dry.