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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I unreasonable to not offer to water plants?

71 replies

Adrenalina · 15/07/2021 16:59

Background: Me and NDN have both been on a bit of a gardening vibe this year. We've been to the garden centre together and regularly chat plants. We have a running joke about us desperately trying to keep our plants alive because we're both novices.

Extra background (related): Her husband is a bit of a dick. He's not violent or abusive but selfish, lazy and a sulky man-child. I can give a list of examples if needed but won't clog the OP Grin

Here's the situation: She's going away for a couple of weeks soon when it's meant to be very hot and sunny. She said she's concerned about her plants dying because she doesn't know whether her husband will bother to water them.

So was I BU: I didn't offer to water them because it's not like the plants are home alone. I figured it's her husband's house/garden/plants so his responsibility. Even if he has no interest in the plants, he should at least take 10 minutes to water them for his wife, right?

But now I feel bad because I think she genuinely is worried about all her gardening efforts going to waste. It'd only be a case of me flopping the hosepipe over the wall and dousing them so no real hassle for me.

But then I flip back to thinking why the fuck should I, her lazy man-child of a husband should do it.

OP posts:
Treacletreacle · 15/07/2021 17:24

Maybe she always has an excuse for his behaviour as she's too embarrassed to admit that she is accepting his lazy behaviour. I would do as a few have said and just mention you will keep an eye on the plants and if they are looking thirsty your water them. I'm sure it will give her alittle peace of mind.

warmfluffytowels · 15/07/2021 17:27

TBH, I would offer to do it for her to be nice. If the plants die, she needs to start over.

It's not comparable to a messy house.

RIPwalter · 15/07/2021 17:27

Water the plants.

Even if her DH wasn't a man child, if he isn't into gardening, chances are he will just gently sprinkle the pots when what they need is to be properly saturated. If you to water properly, even in this weather, your should only need to water a couple of times a week at most.

DoorMatCat · 15/07/2021 17:31

If you aren't a plant person then taking care of them is just another chore that can easily get relegated to the "can't be arsed" pile, "I'll do it tomorrow" etc. Then, before you know it, they've pegged it.

You know the time, effort and cost that's been put in so far...do a fellow gardener a solid and water them. She can repay the favour on some future occasion and you'll be very glad of it.

OhRene · 15/07/2021 17:33

If you really do want to do it, do what you can without having to go near her man's property. If he's a dick, steer clear. Water them over the wall with the hose if they're wilting, but don't offer to do it. Don't make yourself responsible.

And definitely tell her later what you did. Don't let her fool herself any more than she already does that her DH is a good guy.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/07/2021 17:39

I would.

She needs to see how people should act for people they care about.

joystir59 · 15/07/2021 17:42

It's her gardening efforts that will be wasted, and she's your friend. Water her plants .

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2021 17:48

I wouldn't, and I seriously doubt her husband would want you traipsing about their property when he's still at home.

1984isnow · 15/07/2021 18:01

Thing is, I don't think she realises what an absolute dick he is. She always has an excuse for why he's a twat so she doesn't really realise that she's dealing with a dick of a husband.

I have one of these DPs (I’m in the process of making some tough decisions). Trust me she knows exactly what he is. She is most likely making excuses out of embarrassment.

Like a pp, I would probably turn the hose over if I spotted them looking shabby, but I wouldn’t necessarily offer. She has probably been forewarning him for months that he might need to water the plants during this period. Talking from experience 😂

Heyyeahyouwiththesadface · 15/07/2021 18:04

Thing is, I don't think she realises what an absolute dick he is. She always has an excuse for why he's a twat so she doesn't really realise that she's dealing with a dick of a husband

I’m sure she does & she’s embarrassed, that’s why she makes excuses.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 15/07/2021 18:06

@joystir59 completely agree. I wouldn’t give it a second thought, water your friends plants for her. Can’t understand why you wouldn’t. Your ‘stance’ about her husband is a separate issue, don’t let the plants die!

KarmaStar · 15/07/2021 18:12

I would have offered,it's a shared interest and it would have been the decent think to do.
She knows he won't bother.
Different if you hadn't been doing it as a hobby together but you had.
Sorry but I think Yabu as a friend.

Ourlady · 15/07/2021 18:25

I would have asked her if she has asked her husband to water them and if she said no then I would ask why not. She must know he's a twat but she's willing to put up with that.
I would still hoy the hose over the fence when watering mine though as you seem to have a lovely friendship

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/07/2021 18:29

Save the plants !!! He’s a dick and won’t
Splash them

RaindropsOnRosie · 15/07/2021 18:35

Offer to do it if he doesn't. Say you'll pop your head over and check every couple of days. It's not fair to you or her that her husband isn't doing it but as it won't take too much effort from you, do it anyway and make sure she knows if he hasn't done it. Poor woman dealing with that lazy oaf!

DareIask · 15/07/2021 18:38

The only person you're going to hurt by not helping out is your neighbour.

Water them if they need it.

Ohhyeahright · 15/07/2021 18:48

Op you’re not bu, the last thing this man needs is another woman covering for him Hmm

Taliskerskye · 15/07/2021 18:52

My friend divorced for this.
He let all her plants die when she went to visit her sick mum.

I think it was the last straw.

Do not enable his shit behaviour

WhatAWasteOfOranges · 15/07/2021 18:52

I would just water them. I wouldn’t punish her for having a dick of a husband or try and use it as any sort of statement towards him. She’s a friend, she asked - I’d oblige. I’d also feel happy that I could call back in the favour in the future when I went on holiday.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/07/2021 18:59

@Taliskerskye

My friend divorced for this. He let all her plants die when she went to visit her sick mum.

I think it was the last straw.

Do not enable his shit behaviour

Which i think might happen here.

She has wxcuses for him all the time I assume people kind if jump in and save the day always. It's brutal, but this may be he r last straw🤷🏻

Tal45 · 15/07/2021 19:04

Just be a good friend. She knows he's a dick but she still stays, she'll just make an excuse - he forgot. Why would you let her lose the thing you've bonded over because she's married to a twat.

TheNoodlesIncident · 15/07/2021 19:09

I would do it without a doubt and tbh I would have offered, so your friend can relax on holiday knowing she's not going to come back to a ruined garden. I actually couldn't stand by and watch a plant wither away and not do anything about it, my soul is not hardened to that kind of thing.

It's not just the unnecessary horror of seeing a dead plant which was recently healthy, it's the expense as well. Plants can be really expensive and if you have to replace a lot of them, well... ouch.

It's best if her horrible husband knows you're going to do it though, so he won't be put out if you suddenly appear brandishing a hose. He might be a total prick but it is his property too. If he kicks off about it, that should be another dickhead indicator to NDN.

As a PP said, a proper soak weekly is far better than a splash more frequently, so hopefully you won't have to do it too many times.

Taliskerskye · 15/07/2021 19:54

Don’t do it.
Just don’t
She’s enabling him by asking you to enable him.

LemonFantaGin · 15/07/2021 20:22

Don't offer, but water them discreetly if they start wilting.

MadeOfStarStuff · 15/07/2021 20:25

YANBU either way but for the sake of turning the hose on them over the fence when you’re watering your own plants I probably would

It should be her DH but it sounds like he won’t bother and it would be a shame for her hard work to be wasted