Downsizing and now questioning our decision

[ALbigbump]

Hi, please can someone give me a handhold? Bought our lovely house with a huge garden and substantial mortgage a few years back when our dc was in year 2. As it’s in a small village around 4 miles from town/highschool, the plan was always to move close to town when the time came, around year 6 ready for the highschool and to downsize at the same time as we’d be in our late 40s and would like more disposable income and the freedom that a small mortgage brings. We’ve also had the stress of DH having periods of unemployment and furlough in the past year, so our finances have taken a hit. It’s nearly 4 years since we bought the house, which we’ve now sold, and found the house that ticks the boxes on the doorstep of high school, but am now struggling to get past the idea of downsizing to a busy cul de sac overlooking neighbouring gardens, from a lovely looking house with huge garden, quiet lane with views of fields! I’m doing DH’s head in. I just feel so torn! Has anyone done similar and not looked back? Or done it and is full of regret?

I was delighted to leave a tiny village when DD became a teen. Living in a town has given access to shops, buses, societies, a library, pubs, restaurants and there was no chance of an Uber coming out to our previous home. I had visions of my DC going to a big city university having never even gone to the shop for a pint of milk had we stayed where we were.
I also much prefer a 'busy' view rather than fields but I think I am unusual in this.
It sounds like your potential new home is not situated well and it is that is the problem not the move to a smaller property in an urban environment.

We live in a small village several miles from anywhere. Locally, all children whose parents can afford it buy a small cheap car and driving lessons at 17. In our experience, the fear of losing their freedom to go where they want when they want without having to tag their parents in as taxi service massively trumps their party instinct. DS kept his sleeping bag in the car and just slept it off until returning at dawn after a party. On a sofa, or in the car. Most kids are very pragmatic: reasonable freedom beats parental involvement every single time.

Stay for the time being.

I come out in a cold sweat when I think about leaving our present house.

It'll be a while before your DC has a social life.

Statistically only 40% of people move home after the age of 50.

Op what do you mean you’ve sold? Sold is irreversible. Have you accepted an offer?

Can see many negatives to the move from what you've said, financial advantage, but if I could cope with the finances if be staying put. I love in a similar places to the one you're leaving and can't imagine going back to having neighbours now. I love the peace. The people I know who have similar with teen-agers like the location for the limit to the amount of mischief their teens can get up to compared to their friends in town. But can imagine the teens have other views

LocalHobo I’m where you were at. The views in the next place are lovely and far reaching but you have to look past others’ gardens to see them. The idea of being walking distance from town appeals and I’d feel terrible about pulling out at this stage. Argghhhh I wish I liked the next house more! Thanks everyone x

We also sweat when we think of leaving our home BUT we also don't want to be living where we do in a few years. So we shall move, before we hit 70. We will downsize, and provide a down payment on a property for our DS.... who currently has no idea where that might be. If it's London, it will be a modest %; anywhere else the same money could be a decent chunk.

Bluntness100 Yes accepted an offer, surveys complete, not yet exchanged contracts though

I would have the fear about 17 year oĺds learning to drive and having their own car. Too many teens dying or being horribly injured in car crashes when they are not mature enough to abide by speed limits/alcohol/drugs limits.

Much better they go by public transport or Uber.

From what the OP says she can no longer afford huge house. OP just buy what you can afford. As long as everyone has a bedroom you will be fine. Being near to town will be much easier with an older child.

Didn't really downside in terms of house size but we moved from a village property with enormous garden, views etc. to a boring new build. 2 years ago.

You know, I'm so glad we did!!! It's sooooo easy and smaller mortgage etc. Just less hassle all round. Our garden is quite small now but I'm not really sure why people are that bothered about a big garden! Just more hassle!

OP yes you’re right people do have a plan to downsize in later life ….but that’s usually when they’re children have flown the nest; so potentially another 20 years from where you are now! Don’t go through with a sale (I know you’ve said you’ve accepted an offer) just because you feel obliged. Do what’s right for you.

I would stay where you are! I think by questioning your decision, you are not really ready to downsize, wait a few more years then when the time comes you know you have made the right decision and you don’t need to question it! Think of how you will feel leaving your present home for the last time!

My youngest is a similar age to your dc, what I found is that many people regret downsizing so early. As they get bigger, honestly as a Mum who started that secondary stage a couple years ago, the space needed is more. I'd love a reception room for dc separate to the only lounge we have. They just take up more space physically and in a way mentally as they aren't in bed earlier nor do they nap.

I'd wait to downsize until GCSE's, A levels or Uni. When you are really sure.

Also not all secondary kids are at their mates constantly. I would say only one of my dc is very social like that. I don't mind driving 15-20 min at the weekends so they can each see friends, or meet friends in town. In our case we are the central one but a few of my dc's friends aren't. We all take turns as parents.

If you move too soon, you'll regret it. I had a few friends do that and they still really struggle several years on. I'd wait until you know you are ready.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Your teenager will not be interested in your huge back garden, believe me, unless there is literally nothing else to do. I doubt my 17 year old has set foot past the patio of our largish back garden for the past 4 years.

But really is a busy cul de sac your only option? That doesn't sound all that appealing.

Agree with this. We moved to a much larger house and yard when the children were 9 and 11 and they enjoyed the yard for about a year or two. After that they are out with friends or in their rooms on screens.

I would always prefer life, and neighbours, and activity over endless yard work and hours in the car getting places - in fact we have just downsized to exactly that. And I would guess DC would prefer the freedom of being able to get around independently without waiting for rides all the time. But not everyone feels this way.

It's far too early to downsize. The older kids get, the more space you need! You might even find your children will live with you a lot longer as they may struggle to get on the property ladder.
Downsizing you will very quickly find your all in each other's face too much, there's no way I would go from huge garden with lovely scenery to small house with close neighbours and over looked garden! Don't do it! You will regret it!

@imamearcat

Didn't really downside in terms of house size but we moved from a village property with enormous garden, views etc. to a boring new build. 2 years ago.

You know, I'm so glad we did!!! It's sooooo easy and smaller mortgage etc. Just less hassle all round. Our garden is quite small now but I'm not really sure why people are that bothered about a big garden! Just more hassle!

Well some people enjoy gardening for a start or entertaining friends & family. I love having a big garden for privacy. I hate being overlooked & don’t like neighbour noise, so it’s important to me.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I would have the fear about 17 year oĺds learning to drive and having their own car. Too many teens dying or being horribly injured in car crashes when they are not mature enough to abide by speed limits/alcohol/drugs limits.

Much better they go by public transport or Uber.

There’s no public transport or Uber’s in rural areas. Country kids learn to drive the moment it’s legal. They’re plenty mature enough to obey the law, that’s why the age limit is 17.

You're not ready to downsize yet, AL, particularly not to a cul de sac with overlooked gardens and little privacy. It's highly likely that kids would be out playing in the road there too.

In your place I'd stay put for a while longer.

@Chicchicchicchiclana, your fears are the same as mine were, but I promise you that most 17-yo are so careful of the privilege of getting a license young that they are really careful drivers. DS who has had his license, and insurance in his own name, for almost five years since he was 17.5 months, is now five years on a very careful and experienced driver. Of course he has made errors; he's got lost on numerous occasions too. IME experience, the younger kids learn to drive the better, and double trump that if you live in the country.

If you need to do it for financial reasons, you may need to look for positives rather than prolong what you need to do. For example, are DCs closer to friends & partner's mental health better as less pressure if lack of work for periods of time?

I think you should try really hard to embrace what the new house offers, both because of your finances and because your DC's social life will benefit.

If you are a gardener, look on the smaller garden as a challenge. Make something beautiful out of it.

If you end up with more disposable income, and if covid allows, travel, or set up a business. Or send DS off on interesting summer camps.

I think downsizing is one of those things that people prefer more in theory than in practice. It makes a lot of sense to move to a house that's more manageable but it can be a big adjustment going from rural to all the noise and bustle of a town. Only you can know if it's worth it for you.

Contrary to some other poster's experience a lot of the people I've met who grew up rurally were drinking and doing drugs in fields while claiming to be at a friend's house so I take the idea that teens are safer in a rural area with a pinch of salt.

I wouldn't downsize unless I was desperately hard up and just couldn't manage.