Working from home is shit if you're a mum

[gigglybum]

My dh is employed therefore he has to be at his laptop, in peace and quiet (because he periodically takes calls throughout the day) dead on 8 until 5.

Me on the other hand, I work for myself, I have to be upstairs stuck in the bedroom with my ds7 (we share a room right now as have 2 teens and can't afford to move just yet) with the door closed. It's a Fucking nightmare.

I get that it's hard for young kids to occupy themselves, dh knowing I'm struggling spent his dedicated lunch break playing with ds but from the moment I wake up til the moment I go to bed someone here needs me for something and my work is just put on the back burner.

If I lost my business we would lose all our luxuries, dh wages alone don't cover our bills so I need to work yet my work is at the bottom of everyone's priority list.

Ds keeps asking 'when will you finish, look at me catch this ball, I just got a blah blah on this game, where's this, where's that, when's lunch, I'm hungry' etc and as kids do... fine... but I just feel like such a shit mum all time and no matter what I do.

I try and work, my kids don't get attention
I don't bother fighting to work, and they don't get fed

Pisses me off going to downstairs and seeing Dh sitting in peace and quiet

And then later he'll be moaning my business is flopping

Can't win and can't help but think it's because I have a sodding vagina

So your husband works in peace and then goes on his gaming PC??? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. If he is only on periodical calls then he could easily have DS in the room with him while he works for a while.

Agree this is all so shit!

It seems to be so ingrained in our society that women will do the childcare regardless of their work situation. I think maybe because a lot of ‘important’ men have SAHWs they don’t understand the complexities of more equal pairings in terms of job roles. It’s a situation that employers and men do nothing to improve.

In lockdown 1 my DH and I were both WFH with the same employer. I was given flexibility and encouraged to work round the clock to be able to do everything. Children appeared in meetings and it was fine. I almost had a breakdown mind but who gives a shit, I coped, I’m a woman.

DH was expected to be at his desk 8-5. There was little toleration of the children making an appearance and on three separate occasions DHs boss told him to ‘take the kids to the wife’.

DHs boss didn’t realise that I’m actually several grades higher than him in the same organisation and I went to his boss and went off on one. Mainly due to the stress of working FT (&being the breadwinner) homeschooling and looking after a toddler tbh.

He’s been more flexible since then!

Lots of people are employed and are juggling work with children at home - has he actually mentioned anything to his boss or is it convenient to continue with the presumption that they are unsympathetic?. You need to be a bit more directive about what you need from him… certainly let him work from the bedroom. Then it’s a combination of juggling activities between the 2 of you combined with screen time and some solo play for your DS.
With regards the summer holidays I’m a bit surprised that they’re upon us and you haven’t made any plans already. I don’t know what availability you have locally but ours are running at a lower capacity and got booked up much earlier than usual this year. Our Leisure centre have been promoting their summer scheme though and their costs are pretty reasonable for a multi activity day so perhaps that would be a possibility. Maybe DH wants to do some planning around that? ( betting he’s never had to do it before)

And your DH shouldn't be on his gaming computer. He shouldn't be having leisure time at the expense of your sleep time. The first thing you both need is a decent amount of sleep before either of you can think about having free time. He needs to cook, play with your DS and do the chores to free you up to work.

Sounds like YOU have a very rough deal and a husband who is selfish.

He goes from work to gaming?
With a family?

Alwsys the hallmark of a waster IMO.

He needs to step up and make this work for your business or take responsibility for the drop in income.

It sounds like you are the parent.
Exhausting.

You deserve better.

Ok kids, I’m off to work now. Is there anything you need before I go? Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Some of these issues you are making unnecessarily hard.

You could change your set up slightly: Dh works in the bedroom. You in the dinning room. Ds in the lounge. On a table. A laptop. Then he and you can go out in the garden when not raining.

Stop being such a martyr. Get Dh to take a 15 minute lunch break and play with ds.

It's shit yes, I have the same problem (although as a single parent... I couldn't deal with your DH).

It's summer holidays here though and my six year old just goes to the park with friends? Can your DS not to this (when he's not isolating?). It's torture for all of you (but worst of all him) to be stuck in a bedroom all day.

If he can't go to the park himself can you take your laptop and work there while he plays? We jumped a few fences when they were locked up last summer. Don't regret it at all - some days it was the only way I could get an hour of productive work in that didn't involve staying up overnight.

I’ve got lots of female friends who are self employed and their husbands are employed. Therefore whether there is a problem - ill child, childcare fallen through, covid etc - it’s the self employed mum who works round this, as she has flexibility and the employed dad can’t let his employer down.

I have employed female friends with self employed husbands. Usually the woman is earning more than the dad. When there is a child problem it is …. The employed woman who works around it, because if the self-employed man did then he wouldn’t be able to earn any money….

wonder what the common theme is here??

At 7 years old your ds should be able to entertain himself unless he has any special needs you haven't mentioned. He should be able to play in an enclosed garden on his own for an hour, watch a film or cartoons, basically just play. That way you could get on, your dh doesn't feel guilty about not playing with him so why do you? If he doesn't work he will get sacked, if you don't your business will fail, both are equally important. I would have a look and see if you can find a summer camp for your ds to go to for a few weeks or if there are family members nearby that could have him once you have stopped isolating. Any reason your 13 year old can't occupy the 7 year old whilst you work at least one or two days a week?

Your husband is being an arse. He will have some flex, deadlines and meetings aside, and could watch your son but that would involve him working in the early morning / evening which he'd rather not do, so he's leaving to you. It's still rubbish but unfair at the moment, for you, and for many other working mums.

You need to sort summer out. Would something like this work?

Each week you take a day off work, DH takes a day off work. Three remaining days. Lots of TV/iPad in the morning, break for a walk. Pay a teenager to do a couple of hours each afternoon.

You first out DH in the bedroom, out of everyone’s way. I mean you am age to work there so I’m sure he can too.
The i wouod review the arrangement with the two teens and your 7yo.

And start treating your work as work. If you were at work, in a job, what would happen? Would you need to pay for childcare, arrange someth8ng with grand parents? Do that now. Yes you’re self employed. This doesn’t mean you are not working.

Btw your DH is selfish!

@Comedycook

Can your dh work in the bedroom? And you and your kids have the rest of the house? You cannot sit all day in one room with a seven year old. That's like torture. Do you have a garden?

This is a sensible and workable compromise

Are your DH's calls at all predictable? If so then you need to work out a timetable for sharing looking after your DS.
Although as you say he 'can be quiet for dh when he's on calls', why can't you just work out a timetable even without taking account of his calls, so you both get some quiet time (and for him, call time) and both get some time with DS?

And don't 'creep about'. Unless he's actually a brain surgeon I'm sure he can cope with a bit of household noise.

Does your DH do anything with the kids once he's finished work, or do any chores around the house, do the cooking etc.?

I found inviting a friend for them does help. This is clearly not a solution now, but for the school holidays.

The house is a tip afterwards though ! Hopefully your DS then gets an invitation back to his friend.

I know things have been weird then last year or so, but usually you you wouldn't wfh with a child present, you still need childcare, just as if you went out of the house. Obviously not while your isolating though.

DH does need to step up though. Between you you should be able to cover at least most of a working day each and employers know they have to make allowances when parents forcibly have children at home atm.

One of you needs to start work early and the iother finish late while the other covers childcare.

If you have teens I'd be asking them to help out by entertaining their brother a bit during this isolation period too.

Why does your husband need to work in the front room?

Cant he make an office in the bedroom like almost every one else working from home?

Am I missing something? Why can't you and your DS be down stairs- so he has run of the house and garden whilst you work. Then your husband can work alone in peace in DS room??

This week is going to be shit because of covid. After that you definitely need to look at childcare.

If you’re not eligible for help with costs via benefits then you may be entitled to tax free childcare. www.gov.uk/tax-free-childcare Don’t discount things that look like sports or drama camps as some of them will be ofsted registered and have wrap around care.

If you and dh are both at home you need to take it in turns to have the bigger space.

Could you organise with a friend to let them take your child over one day, or even pay someone, or relation. I would be up the walls trying to entertain a child in such a small space, i feel sorry for you x

It seems fairly obvious that the short term solution while you’re all stuck isolating is to bring a few of DS’ toys etc downstairs, stick DH in the bedroom where he won’t be disturbed, and then you get the rest of the house.

Long term - DS needs to be in childcare over the summer if he can’t understand that he needs to occupy himself while you’re working.

Stand up for yourself!

It is shit but your situation is being made worse by your husband.

He needs to step up and do more.