Working from home is shit if you're a mum

[gigglybum]

My dh is employed therefore he has to be at his laptop, in peace and quiet (because he periodically takes calls throughout the day) dead on 8 until 5.

Me on the other hand, I work for myself, I have to be upstairs stuck in the bedroom with my ds7 (we share a room right now as have 2 teens and can't afford to move just yet) with the door closed. It's a Fucking nightmare.

I get that it's hard for young kids to occupy themselves, dh knowing I'm struggling spent his dedicated lunch break playing with ds but from the moment I wake up til the moment I go to bed someone here needs me for something and my work is just put on the back burner.

If I lost my business we would lose all our luxuries, dh wages alone don't cover our bills so I need to work yet my work is at the bottom of everyone's priority list.

Ds keeps asking 'when will you finish, look at me catch this ball, I just got a blah blah on this game, where's this, where's that, when's lunch, I'm hungry' etc and as kids do... fine... but I just feel like such a shit mum all time and no matter what I do.

I try and work, my kids don't get attention
I don't bother fighting to work, and they don't get fed

Pisses me off going to downstairs and seeing Dh sitting in peace and quiet

And then later he'll be moaning my business is flopping

Can't win and can't help but think it's because I have a sodding vagina

Sounds awful. And yes, it has all with the vagina, and the societal expectations of women, and how the relationship had been set up from the start. While some women manage to win the battle for more equal distribution of work, it’s not a given. Don’t listen to the PPs upthread telling you this is your fault. Until half of the posts here are “I’m a man and my wife is doing long hours in the office while I’m stuck home doing all the childcare and I haven’t had a wee in peace for 2 years but my father in law now tells me I’m fat and should exercise more”, equality is not a given and the fact your home has not achieved it is not your fault.

Having said that, a serious discussion with your partner is probably in order.

@ProfessorInkling

DH needs to work elsewhere DS needs school or childcare

There is just no way that this can be your only option.

We're isolating right now as dd has covid. No other option unfortunately. We do do better when dh is out at work.

DH and I both WFH for employers. I don’t have set hours, though I do have meetings and a general expectation of availability. We used childcare when DD was young and holiday camps as she got older. They are not optional. Just because your work happens to be in the house does not mean you don’t need childcare.

Also, your husband can’t be working in the front room. The 7year old needs space and access to the kitchen. Move husband to the bedroom.

Totally understand how hard it is, I had to work from home with a toddler taking calls & doing project work - it was a fucking nightmare, nearly broken me.

My husband's job was still in an office but a few colleagues in the same position with young children, found themselves having to manage both, even with their husbands also working from home, because for some reason every husband/ partners seemed to conveniently have a more important job that meant they couldn't doing it look after children

I'm gonna bet he has some female colleagues in the same position who are just having to manage.
Couldn't he do a few hours to give you some time?

I still don't know why your dh can't work in the bedroom? And again, do you have a garden?

@ProfessorInkling

Is this a temporary situation because you are all isolating?

Yes. It's temporary but always a struggle to work with kids about, I feel it in the holidays too.

This yeah I'm going to have to try and develop a proper schedule so the kids get out and have fun and I can still work.

I started this business working into the early hours and didn't want to go back to that really because I'm even more useless for the kids. But we rely on the money now so I can't just leave it

If you're self employed can you work in the early mornings, evenings and weekends?

Can your DH take either some annual leave or emergency carer's leave to do his share of the childcare?

Where are the teens in all this? Surely they can entertain their younger sibling some of the time.

This is not all your responsibility.

@Comedycook

Can your dh work in the bedroom? And you and your kids have the rest of the house? You cannot sit all day in one room with a seven year old. That's like torture. Do you have a garden?

It is pure torture

We share the room with him as we only have 3 rooms and two teens who need their own space.

Ds is happy sharing and has a little closed of section of the room for privacy and he has his toys, Xbox etc so it wouldn't work too well if dh was in here instead of me... actually it could as ds can be quiet for dh when he's on calls

I might suggest it, thanks

@girlmom21

If you're isolating why is DH at work?

He's working from home

Is this temporary? Where will your DS be in the summer holidays? I’m not exactly similar as employed nearly full time but during the lockdowns DH and I did shifts. Eg one started work at 7am while the other was with the children to 10am. Then we swapped till 1pm. It was flexible depending who had calls. After lunch till about 4.30 I’m afraid he watched TV until one of us could leave our desk. It was only an option as the whole country were having childcare issues and employers understood. Can you and your DH work something like this, swapping around and doing early starts? In the proper holidays it sounds like you’ll need to put your son into holiday club.

I see, I really do sympathise.

DH needs to work upstairs and you and DS have more space downstairs. That should be a given.

Split your day into time with DS and time working and see if you can make some plans for summer, and take some time out for yourself too.

It's really unreasonable of your dh to work in the living room. If it's a small place, he should have the bedroom and you and the kids use the rest of the house. If you have a garden, chuck out a load of garden toys and let your 7 year old play outside.

My husband is self employed and I also work.

We split having our son when we were in lockdown and again when he was isolating. It wouldn't be fair to expect one person to do it all, as both of our jobs are important.

Surely your husband has some leeway with his job as his employer must have others with children at home? He's just leaving it all up to you because it's easier for him and you're a doormat.

At the very least, he should be upstairs.

Sounds very tough

If this is due to isolation what’s your plan for summer holidays?

Do you have a garden?

If this is going to drag on through the holidays you need better arrangements

When dh isn't on a call he needs to be looking after the kids too. Have a meeting each morning and share the day out

You need to include fun and outside time for all of you.

Might mean dh altering work hours. You are equally important

My do got into the habit of sitting separately when we were home schooling ds and both teaching online in the big lockdown.

Words were had - he'd not really thought about it! We had a daily diary meet to juggle who was doing both.

I took on a night class so I could be free more day hours. Dp wangled doing his admin on a weekend blah blah

If you’re isolating then it’s a one off. He needs to speak to his employer and get some time off and/or some flexibility of hours so you can both equally cover the childcare. And whoever is working does so from a bedroom. Your DH should not get to take over the main living space and banish the rest of the family upstairs. I’m shocked you’re going along with that and sitting upstairs trapped in a child’s bedroom. WTAF. Then for the school holidays gets some childcare sorted. You both work, your job is just as important as his. Childcare is non negotiable. And we both work full time so I get it’s a tough balancing act but you cannot do it all and nor should your DH expect you to.

I don't think your situation is standard enough to be able to say WFH is shit for all mums! Hope it's better soon, but don't be walked over, this isn't just your problem.

@BarbaraofSeville

If you're self employed can you work in the early mornings, evenings and weekends?

Can your DH take either some annual leave or emergency carer's leave to do his share of the childcare?

Where are the teens in all this? Surely they can entertain their younger sibling some of the time.

This is not all your responsibility.

I can work those times but was hoping not to have to go back to that as it's a full on shit show of work and kids... but it's my only option it seems. Kids are more occupied after school as ds likes to play Xbox with his mates, dh is out of the front room and on his gaming pc so ds can go in there too.

It's a bit miserable to have to get up, work, look after kids, work and then sleep and repeat but I might have to until September.

Will look into childcare for holidays for ds and yea we have a garden but ds will be bored out there alone.

@BarbaraofSeville

If you're self employed can you work in the early mornings, evenings and weekends?

Can your DH take either some annual leave or emergency carer's leave to do his share of the childcare?

Where are the teens in all this? Surely they can entertain their younger sibling some of the time.

This is not all your responsibility.

My teens are pretty good. They're getting on with online school and keep themselves occupied, ds 13 makes his own lunch and offers me coffee a lot. Dd is currently in bed with covid but she's been so good and managing it really well.

i need to find a happy medium before school holidays too really

You need to find childcare before school holidays. Like most working parents do.

and yea we have a garden but ds will be bored out there alone

Go to home bargains or b&m and buy a load of garden stuff. I got my DC an archery set last week for £10. They had loads of stuff to keep them busy

Sorry, didn’t realize this was a short term problem. You need to insist he cover a block of child time/work multi-tasking Each day where you can work uninterrupted. Given the unequal nature of your jobs you might not split it 50/50, but he should at least be able to do a couple of hours a day given the circumstances.

We're in the same situation ATM with isolation and both trying to WFH.

We do shifts around each other 50:50 where one has the kids and the other does focused work. We juggle to prioritise each others most important calls/meetings/work. We both finish off after they're in bed if needed.

Your H needs to do his bit. I get the feeling if he were the SE one he'd be all "I have to work or the money doesn't come, you watch the kids as you still get paid". It's sexism, not status.

Your DS sounds awful and I wouldn't put up with that. I wfh full time and DH about once a fortnight. DS goes to school but once home he is a bit noisy. I don't make anyone sit upstairs or in silence. That would be odd.

I am in the kitchen testing IT symptoms and if someone comes in then they do. It is their house. I can't work anywhere else in the house unfortunately

You need to recalibrate your workday/ week so that you and your DH both do your share of the childcare and chores and have time to work. Your DH should be doing breakfast and dinner and taking over with your DC from 5pm until your DC goes to bed so you can have a decent chunk of time to work uninterrupted.