To not want to be judged for taking my youngest son out without his autistic brother?

[Opal93]

My eldest son has severe autism, and of course it effects the amount of attention I can give my younger son. We do go on family outings but they do have to be planned meticulously around my eldests needs and we need to be able to leave quickly. I feel so guilty that my youngest doesn’t get the same amount of attention and recently have attended birthday parties etc with just my youngest and left my oldest at home with his dad. I have been honest about why, that he finds events like these difficult, it often means leaving early which isn’t fair on my youngest and my son at the end of the day is much happier at home in his own environment. I have had quite a lot of judgment from people about this. “But you need to socialise him!” “He’s missing out on a lot!” Tomorrow I am taking my youngest on a day trip with friends. I know it would be too much for my oldest as it’s going to be a very long day and a lot of travelling in public which he doesn’t like (public places when crowded freak him out and he lashes out, just last week I walked out of Tesco’s with blood pouring down my face from being scratched while trying to carry him to the car) so his dad and me agreed he would stay with his dad and if he is in a good mood he would take him to the local beach instead. My mother was so judgmental when I told her, and said I am excluding him and how would that make him feel and he might enjoy it and I found myself snapping at her well sometimes my youngest needs a break and to be honest so do I!! She said I should be ashamed and I feel so guilty. But I also feel guilty for my other son. AIBU for wanting to have some days just for him?

My eldest is autistic, as is my husband, so they’re more than happy to stay at home and take a computer apart while my daughter and I go for a day out at the beach.
We do things as a family as well, just no point causing stress and upset by dragging my eldest where he doesn’t want to go and would be distressed. Same as when my husband and son went to a Doctor Who exhibition me and DD stayed at home.
I get judgemental comments from MIL as well but she can just fuck off!

People have no idea do they? How rude of them to criticise and judge!
My kids are nearly a decade apart and we often do separate stuff with them because it's a pain if one of them is bored or whinging. Children with different neurodiversity require even more of this consideration.

You aren't leaving him out. You are keeping him happy by not forcing him into situations he will struggle to cope with. And yes you deserve to avoid the stress. And yes your youngest deserves 121 time.

Any normal parent does things with one child only and give them a bit of one-to-one attention.

You take one, your DH takes the other.
Another week, you swap.
Sometimes you do things as family. It's so not a big deal.

Bit rude to pretend your son is missing out when his dad is planning on taking him to the beach frankly!

I have two siblings , one with cerebral palsy,my biggest treat was to go shopping just with my mum.

My DS has ASD, I've eventually reached the conclusion that if you do not parent a child with ASD then your opinion and judgment means absolutely nothing to me, unless their living it, they have no idea.
You do what works for your family.

Obviously YANBU.

You know your life, your children, and you love them both.

What do you want from this thread, OP? Are you looking for ways to handle your ridiculous mother and other ignorant people?

I would say to other parents ‘look, I am sure you mean well but unless you live my life you are not in a position to judge. I don’t judge your parenting, and having a child with special needs doesn’t make my parenting a matter for public comment and judgement. The constant public opinion is one of the things that adds pressure to our lives. What I would love you to do is empathise with me and support. And be an advocate when you hear others pontificating. I would love that!’

@Clymene
The autistic person is not the only person who matters in a family. In any case who wants to stay anxious?

You are doing your best in a tough situation.

Anyone who judges you is welcome to take over your role for a day and see how they would do!

I support you in your stance 100%.
Even if your eldest son didn’t have autism you would still occasionally organise activities and outings and quality time with both your sons on an individual basis. Kids don’t all like the same stuff?
Your mother is being overwrought and frankly, rude. If she thinks you ought to be ashamed she can get to fuck until such a time as she can show some intelligence and understanding.
Yanbu.

What's horrible is that if your son wasn't autistic, you wouldn't be judged for doing separate activities. That's what parents do.

People are so so quick to judge the parents (read mothers really) of autistic children. I've had a gutful of it. "Treats" were not enjoyable to my oldest. He'd spend the entire day miserable and wanting to go home. People would tut tut and get a face on them like a cat's arse because he wasn't smiling and grateful. Didn't like the food. Wanted to stay in the car. Etc. Your solution sounds great to me.

They have no right to comment and no idea what your life is like. It is important that both of your children have their needs met. Sounds like you are doing a bloody good job of that.

Why does your mother even care? What is it about people who haven’t parented an autistic child having opinions about those who do. I totally respect people trying to make life more manageable by taking my other son out so I can spend time with youngest or getting it when we have to leave somewhere early as he’s got overwhelmed. But my mum is all ‘well he chooses to be this or that or not do that’ then ‘really for goodness sake he knows what he’s doing it’s control’ etc I should take his iPad away for a month so he’ll go to the toilet because he ‘knows’ he’s doing wrong?!(!? 🥴

I don’t think some people know what we put up with tbh. Then the states and comments when out when he’s behaving in a certain way because he’s had enough. I’ve limited where we go and what we do everything is about that child. I have 4 kids so the other 3 have to leave places early and listen to their brother having a meltdown before we go anywhere.

And people say we can’t take the others out by themselves? Honestly walk a mile and I’m sure they’d think again. It’s nice for my 11 year old to have 1:1 with me or his dad. I’m a single parent so it doesn’t happen very often but he loves the cinema and youngest cannot sit and doesn’t like it so that’s his thing with his dad. 11 yr old is enough to go off and play with friends too which he enjoys.
Don’t let people make you feel bad op, you’re doing the right thing by both your sons.

Gradual exposure is so important for autism. But every meltdown pushes that back, it needs to be gradual successful exposure. Like how I'm teaching my dog not to be reactive, she needs to be around dogs, every time she sees a dog and nothing bad happens we make progress. But every time she reacts or the other dog isn't good, we take a massive step back.

If you asked your son if he wants to go, what would he say? There's your answer. If he and you say it's too much, then it's too much.

This is not unreasonable at all. Even families who do not have autistic children sometimes take one child out to have a special day with just them so I don't see the problem. I bet she wouldn't have the same opinion if your child wasn't autistic. It's normal to just have some one on one time with one of your children!

You are absolutely doing the right thing for both. Sorry you are managing such a difficult situation it must be very hard.

Personally I think that no matter the family situation (NT or not), if you have more than one child, being able to have one on one time with each of them is so precious.

Your Mum should also consider how your NT child feels and just how much he will miss out on over his childhood because of his brother's special needs. The best way to avoid him feeling left out or angry/jealous at/of his brother is to do what your doing.

We have an 8yr old and a 4yr old. 8 year old is diagnosed ADHD and pretty confident that the 4 year old will be too.

Separating them and taking them individually to do something one on one is a breath of fresh air and something that I consider essential to maintain a strong connection with each of them as together they often just wind each other up and no one has fun but apart they focus on whoever is with them and whatever it is we are doing. Good for them, good for us as parents and good for their sibling relationship too.

Continue doing what works for you all.

That sounds perfectly normal even without special needs in the equation. We often do separate things with the kids. They are different ages, have different interests, etc. My step kids are similar with their mum and siblings at her house. They do something things together but some things apart coz people like different things, which is perfectly normal.

Looks like you and your DH are great parents. 👏👏👏

I have two NT children and dh and I often take them out individually. We even take them on holidays without the other, including holidays abroad. They're different kids and they like different things and their ages mean that it makes sense to spend one on one time with them. I always assumed that's what all families (with two parents or family support for the other child did). We really enjoy the one on one time and it's really good for them.

Yanbu. Perfectly normal to do a mix. Sometimes one child, sometimes the other: sometimes both if you have help