To not want to be judged for taking my youngest son out without his autistic brother?

[Opal93]

My eldest son has severe autism, and of course it effects the amount of attention I can give my younger son. We do go on family outings but they do have to be planned meticulously around my eldests needs and we need to be able to leave quickly. I feel so guilty that my youngest doesn’t get the same amount of attention and recently have attended birthday parties etc with just my youngest and left my oldest at home with his dad. I have been honest about why, that he finds events like these difficult, it often means leaving early which isn’t fair on my youngest and my son at the end of the day is much happier at home in his own environment. I have had quite a lot of judgment from people about this. “But you need to socialise him!” “He’s missing out on a lot!” Tomorrow I am taking my youngest on a day trip with friends. I know it would be too much for my oldest as it’s going to be a very long day and a lot of travelling in public which he doesn’t like (public places when crowded freak him out and he lashes out, just last week I walked out of Tesco’s with blood pouring down my face from being scratched while trying to carry him to the car) so his dad and me agreed he would stay with his dad and if he is in a good mood he would take him to the local beach instead. My mother was so judgmental when I told her, and said I am excluding him and how would that make him feel and he might enjoy it and I found myself snapping at her well sometimes my youngest needs a break and to be honest so do I!! She said I should be ashamed and I feel so guilty. But I also feel guilty for my other son. AIBU for wanting to have some days just for him?

It sounds like you are doing the right thing entirely to be honest! I’m sure your younger son will appreciate the time and attention and the elder will prefer to be in less stressful (for him) situations.

You are absolutely doing the right thing for BOTH kids! Why would you put ds1 through something he'll hate?

Tell her to wind her bloody neck in.

You know your children better than anyone and you’re right to give them time apart. DS1 is at home in the care of his capable loving father rather than in an environment he’ll find stressful and upsetting, he’s not being left with the wolves ffs.

None of anyone else’s business and you need to start saying so.

One size does not fit all. I havent been on a sibling asd course yet but am fairly sure that giving the NT kid some time alone with mum doing normal things without having to defer to someone elses needs is essential for their development and their relationship with you. If my mum had said I should be ashamed Id honestly tell her to fuck off. Wtf does she know about asd? Are there any grandparent courses you can send her on?

I've worked with autism in special schools, and of course activities have to be adapted to needs. They can be bloody hard work and I'm glad you have the capabilities to support your other child too. Tell her to walk a mile in your shoes before she judges.

You're doing the exact right thing and people's will intentioned interference is coming from a place of ignorance. How utterly draining. Your take on things is spot on, keep up the good work in sure birth sons prefer it your way.

I’d also like to add that I am very grateful that people do invite him places and I really do appreciate that he is welcome and people want to include him, but it’s my decision that this is what’s best for him and I just don’t want to be judged for it

I'm sure both sons... That should say.

I have an autistic child and another child who we don't quite know about yet. We have individual mummy or daddy time where they get to do things on their own with us as well as doing things as a family. We have built this into our month to ensure they both get time with us solo as well as us doing things as a family. In my opinion this should be the case for all families anyway, not just those with differences. Each child is an individual with individual needs and preferences.

Anyone that doesn't live in the family home has no right to an opinion.

You do your family as you see fit and stuff anyone who doesn't agree.

You could always ask them to sit in whilst you and DH have an afternoon on the beach? After all, it's soo easy isn't it.

Of course you are doing the right thing and your older DS is presumably having a nice time with his Dad? Your mother has a bloody cheek to comment, it's not as though you are abandoning your DS ... does she see leaving him with your DH as an 'issue'? Would she complain if your DH took your younger DS out for an outing on his own?

Why on earth is she commenting anyway?

Absolutely the right thing, and honestly more parents need to do this in families where there are dc with additional needs. In fact, even in families where there are no additional needs to consider, children benefit from one on one time with one/both parents.

Also, well done for recognising you need a break. Hope you have a great day out tomorrow.

Sounds like your are doing your absolute best for both of them.

You are doing an amazing job. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Tell your mother to fuck off (even if that is just in your head). Having a child with ASD is hard, being a sibling to a child who has ASD is hard. You’re doing the best for your family. Your eldest gets to spent time with his Dad and do an activity he can handle while your other son has some relaxed & fun time with you.

At no point should you feel ashamed or guilty. At all. Your posts show you love both your DC very much.

Dont think ive ever seen a thread on AIBU with 100% YANBU so it just shows how completely unreasonable you are.

Continue to do as you are doing, which is looking out for the best interests of both your children ❤

Both DC are happy doing something they like with a parent, sounds fine to me. She doesn't get to make you feel bad for not putting your son through a situation that distresses him when he is safe with his dad

This is exactly what I do with my two. ASD ds NT dd. They need time away from each other at times. She needs time to be a child that doesn't have to take her brother into account all the time.

We've even done ikea twice in 2 two days. Once all together. Once without her brother so she could play in all the kitchens 😂 pretendy cookie making is important.

Tell everyone else to fuck right off

Especially people telling you to be ashamed. Utter wankers

YANBU. My eldest is autistic and it's a priority for us that the youngest has time centred around her without her sister, either on her own, parties, outings with friends. I have no guilt about this and have got used to saying I won't be bringing DD1, it won't work for her, she is happier at home. Just remember you know your family better than others.

No, of course YANBU. An autistic child will often find certain environments really hard. Of course this doesn’t mean they should NEVER be exposed to them - but it needs to be at a manageable level - and as you say, you need to be able to give 1 to 1 attention to help & guide him through.
Your other child meanwhile needs to have the experiences that will help him develop too at the correct pace for his needs. In my view, you are absolutely doing the right thing. It is sometimes very hard for the sibling of a child with SEN when all the family’s attention is focussed on that other child, or when they lose out on opportunities. That can lead to resentment of that child.
This way, your way, you are treating your children as individuals and catering for their different needs. Your mum is wrong, it’s that simple.

Yanbu. So important to have quality time with your other son, when you can really focus on him.

My youngest has asd, and the last person that tried telling me I should be taking him everywhere that we took our eldest got told they were more than welcome to take both kids out together since they felt so strongly about it! They soon shut up being so bloody judgemental. Funny that.

This is normal for children without autistic siblings too. I often take my kids out separately, they are different people. Different ages and have different interests. Plus it’s also nice for the to have one on one time.

I would ignore people if I was you!

You have to do what works for you. A couple weeks ago I took my eldest to the cinema without his sibling. His brother is autistic and I know loud noise is not a good idea. The film was something my eldest is really into and we were going to see it last year however covid delayed the release. This was the first time in 3 years I did something on my own with him that wasn't shopping. There dad took our youngest to macdonalds as he loves it. Next time I will take youngest to do something of his choice whilst dad takes our eldest go karting. You need a break sometimes and so do siblings.

My sons are both NT and DH and I frequently divide and conquer by each taking one out and having 1:1 time! I think it's healthy!

YANBU.

I don’t think people actually realise what they’re suggesting here. Are they honestly saying it would be better to drag your eldest into a situation he’s not comfortable with, putting more stress on him, more strain on you, and meaning your youngest has zero interaction with you and has to curtail his activity?

Surely anyone with a bit of sense can see that if you have the opportunity to provide both your children with good interaction and activities they separately enjoy, it’s much better for them, as well as better for you?

Yes, it’s sometimes beneficial to get ASD children used to certain things through gradual exposure, but not every social outing has to be treated like that.

I think some people just have this vague idea that “inclusion is good” without actually stopping to think what actually is realistically best for everyone.