To not want to be judged for taking my youngest son out without his autistic brother?

[Opal93]

My eldest son has severe autism, and of course it effects the amount of attention I can give my younger son. We do go on family outings but they do have to be planned meticulously around my eldests needs and we need to be able to leave quickly. I feel so guilty that my youngest doesn’t get the same amount of attention and recently have attended birthday parties etc with just my youngest and left my oldest at home with his dad. I have been honest about why, that he finds events like these difficult, it often means leaving early which isn’t fair on my youngest and my son at the end of the day is much happier at home in his own environment. I have had quite a lot of judgment from people about this. “But you need to socialise him!” “He’s missing out on a lot!” Tomorrow I am taking my youngest on a day trip with friends. I know it would be too much for my oldest as it’s going to be a very long day and a lot of travelling in public which he doesn’t like (public places when crowded freak him out and he lashes out, just last week I walked out of Tesco’s with blood pouring down my face from being scratched while trying to carry him to the car) so his dad and me agreed he would stay with his dad and if he is in a good mood he would take him to the local beach instead. My mother was so judgmental when I told her, and said I am excluding him and how would that make him feel and he might enjoy it and I found myself snapping at her well sometimes my youngest needs a break and to be honest so do I!! She said I should be ashamed and I feel so guilty. But I also feel guilty for my other son. AIBU for wanting to have some days just for him?

I have had quite a lot of judgment from people about this. “But you need to socialise him!” “He’s missing out on a lot!”

Do these people - including your mother - know anything about autism? Your oldest is getting as much socialisation as he can cope with. You have to balance the needs of both your children.

You are the expert here, not your mother, and not any of the other people who are judging your parenting.

Do you mix much with other parents of children with ASCs? My DS is an only child, but I've met a lot of other parents of children with ASCs and siblings without juggling the same issues as you and many of them handle it in the same way as you do. Do what works!

You rmother needs to mind her own business. If she's that concerned about your DS 1 missing out, she can take him out herself.

Ignore your mother. I would do the same in your situation.

My youngest has severe autism and learning disabilities, my dh quite frequentlest y takes my oldest out for fishing trips etc, I have suggested they try and have a few days away in the summer holidays.

You know your children, you know what works for your family.

First time I've seen 100% agreement on a MN poll! We've got your back on this one OP.

But you need to socialise him!” “He’s missing out on a lot!”

As though he were a puppy.

Ignore the comments, and do what you know to be best for both your children.

I don't think you socially condition ASD out of someone, certainly not by repeated exposure to people and situations they simply can not cope with. Neither will you foster a positive relationship between your DC if one grows up resentful of missing out because of their sibling.

The very last thing your elder son wants or needs is a brother who resents him. Each child deserves to spend their time doing things that make them happy. Your elder son is overwhelmed by the things your younger son enjoys doing, so it's straightforward - you just do them with your younger son.

Also it's lovely for your younger son to have one-to-one time with you (and with his dad, too) - you're doing a great job there.

Omg you are absolutely doing what is best for both your children! I'm so sorry you being made to feel guilty!

My eldest is undergoing an ASD assessment and my youngest is neurotypical and it is hard!

But you sound like you are doing an incredible job op!

I had two neurotypical daughters, and I'd do things with them as individuals as well as together. Your youngest would get that presumably, even if his DB was neurotypical.

Your youngest needs to enjoy things to the full, and not be constantly on pins and having to leave early.
Your eldest needs to occasionally be challenged a little to develop a tolerance to stressful situations, but again, that's best done without his brother there, so you can fully focus on supporting him.

Your Mum needs to butt out of this one. It's great that she cares about her eldest DGS, but she needs to understand that he wouldn't actually enjoy the event that he's staying home from. So it's not mean to leave him to have quality time with his dad.

I don't think you socially condition ASD out of someone, certainly not by repeated exposure to people and situations they simply can not cope with.

You can't get rid of the ASD, but you can use repeated exposure (very very carefully and sensitively) to help them learn to manage their anxiety in particular situations. That was a big part of my job, and we had some great successes that really improved life for the children's families, who could finally actually go to places together and have a good time. It was incredibly rewarding work.

1 to 1 time is important for every child. Especially so, perhaps, for young carers.

You are meeting the needs of your disabled child by NOT taking him and allowing him to be somewhere quiet, calm and safe.

You are also meeting the needs of your other child who is likely to get overlooked otherwise due to the overwhelming needs of dc1.

@saraclara

I don't think you socially condition ASD out of someone, certainly not by repeated exposure to people and situations they simply can not cope with.

You can't get rid of the ASD, but you can use repeated exposure (very very carefully and sensitively) to help them learn to manage their anxiety in particular situations. That was a big part of my job, and we had some great successes that really improved life for the children's families, who could finally actually go to places together and have a good time. It was incredibly rewarding work.

I wonder if it improved life for the autistic person?

Yes, it did @Clymene. Reducing anxiety is the aim. It was the aim of everything we did for these severely autistic children, whether it was in or out of school. And once the anxiety was removed.or substantially reduced, the child was able to enjoy something new and their quality of life was better.

This isn't for every autistic person in every situation. Of course not. But carefully targeted situations and thoughtful, staged and sensitive encouragement (addressing and managing specific triggers) can open up lives.

Wow 260 votes 100% YANBU. There's your answer.

Yanbu but surely families with all neurotypical children do this too? Children are individual and one child might like one activity while the other likes something else. It's called balance. I'm sure you don't have your son with asd locked in the house and hidden away🙄 ignore people who haven't a clue, you are doing what is best for both your children. In future I would just tell people that your other son just didn't fancy the outing and wanted to do something else with his dad. Gives people less opportunity to comment

If you feel you have to justify it (and I don't think you should), maybe turn it on its head and say you're doing it for the younger son. I defy anyone to argue with that.

Your 100% right to go with younger ds.
I ve always taken my kids out separately on the odd occasion.
My situation was 3 under 3 (twins) and I felt the oldest needed time without the twins and same with twins...just time away from being a unit.
They've family days but always talk about their special days now they re older.

I have four children with varying interests so quite often do things individually with them that the others wouldn't be interested in (ds1 is nearly 10, dd4 just turned 4). Ds2 is autistic but often this doesn't even factor in, it benefits all children to have their own individual time with their parents.

omg other people need to mind their own business. If they want to socialise him then they should help you, not criticise you

saraclara we do find gradually exposing my son to situations helps massively and has made him able to do a lot more, but it takes a long time and we start with short periods of time and gradually increase it as his tolerance becomes better, although it has got to be on his terms and he does need our 100% attention on him and it’s better to have both me and my husband there focussing on him.

I cant imagine how hard your life must be and yes your youngest abd you do deserve some time to do stuff without worrying if your oldest will kick off at any moment. Enjoy your time with him and make sure you do it often. It doesn't mean you love your older child any less.

Wow of course you are not being unreasonable to do what's best for both your kids.

Is your mum normally so nasty? Telling you that you should be ashamed is really low. How about offering you some support instead like offering to take your son out if she genuinely thinks that what he needs? I'd stop listening to her if she regularly says things like this, it sounds like she hasnt got a bloody clue

I would suggest your mother takes both boys out by herself.

Of course YANBU. It’s a perfectly normal thing to do whether one child has autism or any other additional need or not.

saraclara lots of adult autistic people will tell you gradual exposure tormented them, that eventually they stopped protesting at doing these things that overwhelmed them but that lack of protest didn't mean they weren't overwhelmed inside.
OP you know your children best. You do what you know is right for them and try and ignore people who comment on it.
I have one autistic child and one neurotypical and we 100% do what you're doing too, separate them out for activities/outings depending on their needs.
You're doing a good job.