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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that MIL has cancelled our (longstanding)childcare arrangement, so she can look after her other grandchildren?

66 replies

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 10:52

I go back to work in just over a week, after 8mths mat leave. Mil will be having the ds1 & ds2 one morning a week. (She did this when it was just ds1). Asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to do a bit of a practice run before I go back, as she hasn't had the boys for more than an hour or so, and its been a while since she looked after 2 lo. She thought it was a great idea. Had a message on house phone Thursday - she can't have the boys next Weds cos she's needed to look after her gd (our niece), who lives in London next mon & tues cos my sil has to work, so she'll be travelling back on the weds morning.

I've tried to be reasonable about this, and have dh has spoken to her saying that we feel like second best, and what will happen when I'm actually back in work?
Her reply has been that sil doesn't have anyone else to help out (sil & bil work shifts) and then she dropped in that she'll probably have to go to London to look after gd every 2/3 weeks. But might only know for def the weekend before.

Our arrangement of her looking after the boys one morning a week has been going on since ds1 was 9mths old, and I even double checked that everything would be ok this time round with her just after ds2 was born.

Just feel now that regardless of any arrangement that we make, we will be cancelled in favour of gd

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 25/11/2007 10:55

but you aren't back at work and your SIL is, therefore i do think she has done the right thing

i think your MIL is trying to do the best by everyone and i think YABU

if you think your MIL can't help, then get your DSs into a nursery

ChippyMinton · 25/11/2007 10:56

Has she said she won't have your DC once you are back at work?

80sMum · 25/11/2007 10:57

Does your mil have a written contract of employment with you? If not, isn't it up to her what she does with her time?

WideWebWitch · 25/11/2007 10:58

Er, she's doing you a favour, she has other grandchild/ren to consider, so either you accept the childcare on her terms or you pay for a nursery/childminder/nanny. Tbh, if you don't live in London and SIL does and your MIL is doing childcare for both she's a saint and very hard working and you're all lucky to have her.

You need to rethink your childcare by the sound of it and I do think you're being unreasonable. Unless you're paying her the going rate, are you?

dramaqueen · 25/11/2007 11:00

YAB very U. It sounds as if you are taking your MIL for granted. Why can't she help your SIL? If you don't pay her for looking after your children then you should expect the arrangement to be altered at times.

Just be grateful that you have some help from your family. Most people don't, including your SIL.

isaidhohoho · 25/11/2007 11:01

beggars can't be choosers.

Original poster

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 11:02

Ok, on this occasion, I can see both sides. And yes, I'm not back in work, but will be a week tomorrow.

But what gets me most is that our arrangement for one morning a week has been going on for nearly 2 years. (Gd (our niece) is 18mths old.)

What she actually said to me last night was that if sil needs her, then she HAS to go.

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 25/11/2007 11:03

Your arrangement can only work if it continues to be suitable for all involved.
If there are calls on her now to look after her GD too then what is she to do? If she refused your sil so as not to affect the arrangements she has with you, she would, no doubt, upset your sil.
She cant win.
Be grateful for the assistance you've had so far, If you feel you can no longer rely on her then you really have to look at alternative child care.
But dont make her feel like she has done wrong, that would be really petty and spiteful after the help she has already given.

ScottishMummy · 25/11/2007 11:04

your MIL is trying v hard to accommodate 2 sets of childcare needs, your needs and SIL too. thing about family help is it is informal adhoc based on good will, if you need absolute certainty then get a nursery place

WideWebWitch · 25/11/2007 11:05

It doesn't matter if it's been 2 years or 2 weeks, it sounds like SIL hasn't been getting the same help from your MIL so you're extremely lucky to have had it to date and it's about time MIL helped SIL too.

Are you paying MIL the going rate? Because if not you don't have a leg to stand on imo. Just because it's been going on a long time doesn't mean she's not allowed to change the arrangement!

I think if you said "I've arranged a childminder to start a week on Monday and she's suddenly let me down" then we'd say find a new one potentially but this isn't the same, especially if you're getting the childcare at a cheap or much reduced rate.

ssd · 25/11/2007 11:06

YABU

pay a childminder and give your MIL some peace

RubySlippers · 25/11/2007 11:06

you say you can see both sides, but you have had 2 years of support yet your DH rang her and said you felt like second best

if i were her i would be fuming

i think if she can longer commit, then you will have to find alternative arrangement

if you ring your local council they can give you a list of approved childcarers from minders to nurseries

Original poster

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 11:07

No, please, I do know how very very lucky I am to have family that help out.

I just wanted to get some other views.

But this isn't the first time that we have been cancelled in favour of her spending time with other family (not just with childcare)

OP posts:

edam · 25/11/2007 11:08

Has she actually said once you are back at work and she is looking after your children she'll drop them if SIL needs her? Because if you can't rely on her then you do need alternative arrangements. Otherwise, if you are just complaining because she's going to SIL on a day when you are still around, then I think YABU.

If she is dumping your arrangement now SIL's children are on the scene, then I can see why you are aggrieved. But it's up to MIL how she spends her time - it's difficult for you but you can't hold her to anything she agrees to do out of the goodness of her heart.

ssd · 25/11/2007 11:09

so its happened before

yet you still want to put pressure on her to do your babysitting

and are you paying her as www asked or do you get this help for free?

I think you need to stop taking the pissmake alternative arrangements

edam · 25/11/2007 11:10

I really think you need to clear up whether MIL will look after your kids when you are back at work or whether she'll be off to your SIL when SIL needs her.

RubySlippers · 25/11/2007 11:10

if there are other issues going on, then that may add a different spin but TBH i think you need to get your DSs into a nursery and let your MIL be a grandma not a carer

it sounds like your poor MIL is spread very thin and trying to please her family who live far and wide

WideWebWitch · 25/11/2007 11:10

But if she's cancelled occasionally but has done TWO years of childcare that's hardly someone who hasn't spent a lot of time with your children and helping you.

Original poster

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 11:12

Thank you for all your views.

Yes, I do understand that my mil is in a very difficult position.

The ds's are in nursery 2 mornings, and it was her that offered to help out to save us money.

On a very personal note, I've have been suffering from pnd/serious pmt, (which is no excuse) and things like this really stress me out, which is why I needed to get some more perspective.

OP posts:

southeastastra · 25/11/2007 11:12

so she looks after her gd two days a weeks every 2/3 weeks and your sons one morning a week?

juuule · 25/11/2007 11:13

YABU. You've been fortunate so far (2years). Give someone else (your sil) a turn. And give a bit of thought to your mil while you are at it. She must be feeling pulled in all directions trying to keep everyone happy. She's more than done her bit for you and perhaps she feels that your sil could do with a bit of help now. I would be thankful for what she has done for you so far not criticising her. She is still trying to be there for you when she can be it's just that she might be needed elsewhere at times. Poor woman.

BoysAreLikeReindeer · 25/11/2007 11:13

All good advice here.

Get your LOs into nursery asap so that your relationship with MIL is not damaged further

PillockOfTheCommunity · 25/11/2007 11:14

runny, I know its difficult, it really isn't fair of her to leave it until dh went round to speak to her before she tells you all this, she should have mentioned it long ago. I think you might be best making other arrangements and then when MIL wants to have the children she could do it on a different day, when you're not at work, and give you a well deserved rest

crunchie · 25/11/2007 11:14

I do know hopw you feel my MIL is similar and although 'promises' she can help out and wants to help out she is always finding other things to do. It wouldn't be an issue except it is her fault that dds go to ballet near her house on a weds as she enrolled them!! Then when I say OK they can go to afterschool club, she worries about ballet and decides ot commit herself. Which is gret until the next time she can't do it!!

I do accept I am v v lucky and she is great at helping and as it is we only need her help for a few weeks at time when dh is away, BUT it is her pitiful looks when I try to arrnnge other childcare, as if I am stopping her seeing the kids, and THEN being unreliable that kills me!!

ssd · 25/11/2007 11:16

sorry to read that runny, suffering from pnd is an excuse, no wonder your wound up

I think TBH you'd be better off in the long run sending the kids to nursery 3 mornings as it sounds like the stress of you MIL very occassionally letting you down would cause you major panic and is a worry you don't need

if you get tax credits they can help with the costs of nursery and having 2 instead of 1 makes a difference, have you rang them to find out?

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