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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that MIL has cancelled our (longstanding)childcare arrangement, so she can look after her other grandchildren?

66 replies

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 10:52

I go back to work in just over a week, after 8mths mat leave. Mil will be having the ds1 & ds2 one morning a week. (She did this when it was just ds1). Asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to do a bit of a practice run before I go back, as she hasn't had the boys for more than an hour or so, and its been a while since she looked after 2 lo. She thought it was a great idea. Had a message on house phone Thursday - she can't have the boys next Weds cos she's needed to look after her gd (our niece), who lives in London next mon & tues cos my sil has to work, so she'll be travelling back on the weds morning.

I've tried to be reasonable about this, and have dh has spoken to her saying that we feel like second best, and what will happen when I'm actually back in work?
Her reply has been that sil doesn't have anyone else to help out (sil & bil work shifts) and then she dropped in that she'll probably have to go to London to look after gd every 2/3 weeks. But might only know for def the weekend before.

Our arrangement of her looking after the boys one morning a week has been going on since ds1 was 9mths old, and I even double checked that everything would be ok this time round with her just after ds2 was born.

Just feel now that regardless of any arrangement that we make, we will be cancelled in favour of gd

OP posts:

fireflyfairy2 · 25/11/2007 12:18

I see what you mean mb, about doing a favour unless being paid.. so tbh i;d much rather pay someone I know I can rely on, than to depend on someone helping me out.

RH, is there any chance you can just enrole them in nursery & let your MIL get on with whatever she wants to do without feeling pressured?

I used to have an aunt help me out with ds when I doing a college course. It was 5 hours one day a week & in return I would drive her wherever she needed to go.. then I was accepted onto my degree course & realised it would be many more hours a week & I dodn't want to have to depend on the kindness of an aunt, so I got myself a childminder. As I pay her we have a professional relationahip & I can go into uni more hours than I need to to catch up & don't feel bad

Blandmum · 25/11/2007 12:20

I agree fairyfly, I have always used that paid arrangement for much the same reason. I didn't have an option, but even if I had, I prefer things to be aon a more 'buisness-like' arrangement. Much easier for me in the long term

Blandmum · 25/11/2007 12:21

and to put this from the SIls persepective,

'My SIL has had MILs help for two years, now I have a child I want her to help me too. It isn't fair if she just helps SIL, I need help too'

Original poster

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 12:26

Just spoken to mil.

We had quite a heart to heart

I said that I didn't want childcare to get in the way of our relationship, I know she is doing us a favour and perhaps it would be better for all if the boys went to nursery. She was mortified - said that she loves having the boys, and really didn't want it come to that. I explained that I need reliable childcare. So we've agreed that she will get sil rota, and the boys can go in nursery when she's in London. But I also said that if at any time she feels pressurised/unhappy, then she must tell me and dh so this doesn't happen again.

OP posts:

Aitch · 25/11/2007 12:26

exactly vitomum, you are being unreasonable in that your poor MiL is in love with two sets of grandchildren (my bro has just had a dd and i actually see my mum swoon at the mention of her, it's so sweet) and she just wants to do the right thing and spend time with them.
but it's completely unreasonable of her to leave you hanging on this, it's not fair on anyone (particularly your dcs) so it looks like nursery it is. you've had a good run of it, try to look at it like that.

Aitch · 25/11/2007 12:27

great, that sounds like a good plan. well done for broaching it properly.

Original poster

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 12:30

mb - I know that sil needs help with childcare. I'm not so...(can't think of the word).. that mil can only look after the boys, and no-one else,iyswim. That wasn't the point. The point was that mil told me, that if sil needed her, then she would have to go, with only a day or two notice.

OP posts:

Blandmum · 25/11/2007 12:32

i can see your point of view. I also think that you have sorted it in a very sensible way

Original poster

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 12:32

Thanks for all your views

(one other thing that has come out of this is that I need to re-address my pnd. can't be over it if things like this are getting to me)

OP posts:

MrsTittleMouse · 25/11/2007 12:41

Sorry to hear about the PND. And your MIL has awful timing issues. This should have all come out well before you're due to go back to work.
However I can see it from your SIL perspective because in a lot of ways, I am in the same position. SIL had a DS, MIL was asked to do a couple of days childcare when she went back to work. It was never a couple of days, and MIL has DN for at least 5 days a week. A year ago we had our DD and PIL hardly ever see her. We're further away than SIL and so we don't expect MIL to take over childcare, but looking after DN means that they can't come to see us at weekends, they can't come to see us on bank holidays, and even when we visit them, DN is there and so we can't all go out for the day. I know that PIL really miss DD and we really want them to have a relationship with her, but SIL has taken all of MIL time.

MrsTittleMouse · 25/11/2007 12:43

Took so long to write that post that I didn't read your last message. I'm glad that things have been sorted out between you, sounds like you've really been able to get this sorted.
Wish that SIL could be as sensible as you!

Judy1234 · 25/11/2007 12:53

You need to know where you stand and something reliable. May be she is not going to be reliable enough and you'll have to pay like most working parents do for childcare.

Many mothers and MILs work full time these days so can't help even if they wanted to and lots of grandparents are very much exploited in this area too.

Anyway it sounds like you've all worked it out very well indeed.

LIZS · 25/11/2007 13:00

Glad you've resolved it . Sounds as if she had n't fully realised how important it was to have a fixed arrangement. Hope the nursery are able to accommodate you.

WideWebWitch · 25/11/2007 13:46

Well done, I'm glad it's sorted out. I probably have PMT this week so may not be the voice of reason!

miobombino · 25/11/2007 14:31

I'm sure it's going to be fine; in your shoes I'd definitely want the certainty of booked nursery places to rely on so i could concentrate on my work. But if you find your mil at a loose end and keen to help on an ad hoc basis, she could easily pick them up from nursery perhaps, then keep them with her for a bit while you work more/have some "me time", whatever you need to do.

elkiedee · 25/11/2007 20:46

Runny, glad you've got something sorted out, sorry to hear that you're still suffering with PND. I don't think you're being unreasonable - the point is that your MIL assured you repeatedly she could continue to help you and then told you she felt the situation was different at very short notice.

As for the other views expressed, I think it's not just a matter of choice about whether relatives can help - not everyone has a job which allows them to get the perfect paid childcare. I'm very conscious of that at the moment.

Hope all works out ok for you Runny.

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