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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that MIL has cancelled our (longstanding)childcare arrangement, so she can look after her other grandchildren?

66 replies

runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 10:52

I go back to work in just over a week, after 8mths mat leave. Mil will be having the ds1 & ds2 one morning a week. (She did this when it was just ds1). Asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to do a bit of a practice run before I go back, as she hasn't had the boys for more than an hour or so, and its been a while since she looked after 2 lo. She thought it was a great idea. Had a message on house phone Thursday - she can't have the boys next Weds cos she's needed to look after her gd (our niece), who lives in London next mon & tues cos my sil has to work, so she'll be travelling back on the weds morning.

I've tried to be reasonable about this, and have dh has spoken to her saying that we feel like second best, and what will happen when I'm actually back in work?
Her reply has been that sil doesn't have anyone else to help out (sil & bil work shifts) and then she dropped in that she'll probably have to go to London to look after gd every 2/3 weeks. But might only know for def the weekend before.

Our arrangement of her looking after the boys one morning a week has been going on since ds1 was 9mths old, and I even double checked that everything would be ok this time round with her just after ds2 was born.

Just feel now that regardless of any arrangement that we make, we will be cancelled in favour of gd

OP posts:
gomez · 25/11/2007 11:17

Woah I think you ar being hard on RH - in this instance then of course RH wasn't at work so no harm done really. And if MIL and RH want a trial run before she goes back to work then that can be done another day. #

However I think if anyone offers and commits to look after her son's children to allow her son and his daughter to go to work then they need to be reliable and can't change their mind at short notice on a random weekly basis to allow their daughter to go to work.

RH you need to ask your MIL if she is able to commit to the 1 morning per week, every week for your two sons, if not then you do need to make alternative arrangements. Even so I think she is likely to leave you up the swanny at some point so I would be tempted to change the arrangment now TBH.

LIZS · 25/11/2007 11:18

At least this has come to light before you are back at work. YANBU to feel let down but it is her offer to help which you have to accept may not always be feasible unlike a choidlminder with whom you have a contract. If she wants to be able to also be flexible for her gd then you will have to arrange an alternative or compromise. Could she do a different day when her loyalities are less likely to conflict for example. It isn't really a case of your family being second best, since you have had the benefit of more support over the years, just that you need to feel that she is as committed to your plans. YABU to have said otherwise.

PillockOfTheCommunity · 25/11/2007 11:19

ssd that was uncalled for, if her MIL offered to help out how is she taking the piss? If someone offered to take care of my children while I worked I would be pissed off if they left it this late to tell me they might not be able to, free of charge or not

gomez · 25/11/2007 11:19

his wife

but everyone else got their first anyhoo...

Original poster
runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 11:23

I'm trying very hard to keep it together

There are other issues with mil, which I won't go into here.

We had a good chat about last night, and I did ask her if it would be easier all round, if I made other arrangements. But she insisted that she could help out. But then she said that if sil needed her, I would have to find alternative arrangements.

I've now asked her if she could find when sil does work, so at least I can prebook extra nursery sessions.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 25/11/2007 11:25

RH - i am sorry you are

i think it is even more important then for everyone that you get your DSs into nursery for these extra sessions

this means this is one less worry about being let down

gomez · 25/11/2007 11:26

Ah RH .

Book you boys into Nursery for that morning, let your MiL know that you have done so and I would plan on them going there each week. If MiL is around on others days then she can spend some time with you boys then and you can have a morning to yourself. No hassle or stress for anyone that way - you or MiL.

PillockOfTheCommunity · 25/11/2007 11:26

runny
book the nursery sessions anyway, you really don't need the stress and I think that it may be more than you could cope with if she suddenly cancelled a few days before. you need to do what's best for you and the boys.

juuule · 25/11/2007 11:30

I agree with the others. Book the nursery and let your boys visit grandma other days. Less stress all round. Try not to feel as though you are second best. You've had a good run. Try not to feel down about things as they are now. It could be for the best.

inthegutter · 25/11/2007 11:31

YABU. I think if you're getting a freebie from a relative for your childcare, you need to accept that one of the downsides is that you have no contract, someone is doing you a massive favour and it's exactly that: a FAVOUR. If you want watertight arrangment, then use a nursery/childminder/nanny. The downside of that is you'll get to keep a LOT less of your hard earned money!

southeastastra · 25/11/2007 11:38

i rely on mil for childcare. and my dad does alot of babysitting for my sisters so can see how this would bug you.

fireflyfairy2 · 25/11/2007 11:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Let me see if this is right.

MIL has been looking after ds1 for 2 years.

Now you have ds2 & you ask her if she's still ok to mind them.. she says yes.

You arrange to go back to work & aske her if she wants a trial run with the 2 ds's. She says yes, then says no as she has to mind other grandchild.

Then when you ask if she is still ok to mind them a morning a week she says "Only if SIL doesn't need me"

No, you're not being unreasonable at all. If she had've said at the beginning that sil might need her then you would have had more time to make alternative arrangements. TBH I'd be tempted to make alternative arrnagements anyway so then you're not left in the lurch.

I do understand that she's doing you a favour, but it's something you need sorted out for peace of mind

vitomum · 25/11/2007 11:43

agree with gomez.

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 25/11/2007 11:43

I am very very lucky as my mum is a god send and will look after my sons when ever needed, they are her only grandchildren so no conflict with having to spread out babysitting, my MIL has 10 GC mine being the youngest and I was very lucky that when my mum was away looking after my aunt for 8 months MIL stepped in and looked after DS1 while i worked part time, this was before FIL died and MIL moved to the other end of the contrey. However....My mil was looking after her daughters son after school as they live close by (would like to point out SIL is a first class bitch and bullys MIL all the time) anyway MILs son moved back home with her much to the upset of SIL, then one of his children came to live with him as his ex wife was not coping with 5 children (only 2 are BILs) and MIL was therefor looking after both of her grandsons at her home where BILs son was living...... all hell broke out, SIL was having none of it (both boys were about 8/9 at the time so not babies) SILs son is like his mother, a trouble maker and tolk lies and made a fuss about everything, he kept starting fights with his cousin and it was hell for MIL as SIL would scream and yell that MIL should be looking after only her child, SIL caused so much trouble for BIL and his GF that they split up, and so much stress for everyone else that in the end BIL came home to another row bundled his son in to the car drove him back to his mothers (half way up the country and without telling her they were coming ) and dumped the poor child there.
I will not tell you my reaction to this but it was not a nice one, SIL is now divorced and only has the few nasty friends that are just like her, DH and I no longer have anything to do with her (I have posted on here about some of the things she has done to us in he past she really is not a nice person).

So I think everyone who has a family member doing the child care should consider that sometimes that person is stuck in the middle of things and sometimes is trying ever so hard to "do right" by everyone.
Have a chat with your MIL and see what arrangements can be made so everyone is happy.
MIL called me in tears

Original poster
runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 11:48

fireflyfairy2 - you have explained it so well - thats exactly how it is

OP posts:
Sexonlegs · 25/11/2007 11:49

Runny, I have said this before, but I think you have every right to be peed off. You have had a long standing arrangement which I know you have been very grateful of. And now, with a week to go before your return to work, things are looking wobbly. I would be pretty cross myself. It is all very well saying get them in to nursery for that morning, but certainly round here, there are waiting lists.

I really hope you can get something sorted, as going back to work after at leave is stressful enough as it is. xx

inthegutter · 25/11/2007 11:50

Santaclaus - that post sums up why it's probably best to separate childcare from family. My parents are super grandparents to my kids - and they're just that - grandparents, there to provide love and those special treats. Visiting them has always been special - not something that happens every day and is taken for granted. They have their own lives and are not there to provide unpaid help for me. One day I'll hopefully have grandchildren of my own, and I'm sure i'll get loads of fun and joy out of them - but I'll definitely want my own life too!

Original poster
runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 11:54

IsawKIM - omg thats awful. I know deep down, my mil thinks a lot of me. We have various issues from time to time, but I'm very lucky compared to some on here.

OP posts:
IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 25/11/2007 11:55

Thankfully my nephew is back with his dad (at MILs) now about 2 years after it happened as his mum was not coping and was leaving him alone a lot, SIL is still not happy about it though and is still bitching to all and sundrey about it.

I feel very sorry for MIL though.

I know I am lucky to have a mum that will help out when ever needed, although it is less now both DCs are in school, but we do a lot for my mum too, DH takes her shopping etc, its what family's do, help each other, however it should not be an obligation.

Original poster
runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 12:00

Mil is going up to see sil for the next few days, so I'm going to call her and see if she can get sil rota for next few weeks.

inthegutter - I do agree with you about grandparents and their role.

OP posts:
Original poster
runnyhabbit · 25/11/2007 12:02

inthe gutter - meant to add that I never had that kind of re;ationship with my gps, so I don't want history to repeat itself

OP posts:
IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 25/11/2007 12:03

I hope you can work something out that suits everyone.

Blandmum · 25/11/2007 12:09

I've never had any help of this sort from family. unless you were paying her, she did you a favour.

She is now doing the same favour for your SIL.

You are both quite lucky to have had the help.

CountessDracula · 25/11/2007 12:14

I do see why you are annoyed

But I also think that if you want childcare that is arranged around you then you have to pay for it really, tis no use relying on favours

vitomum · 25/11/2007 12:16

i think the most annoying thing is that MIL is saying one thing and doing another. it is absolutely fair enough that she now wants to make more of a comittment to SIL, but she needs to be clear about that so you know where you stand and can mak ethe appropriate arrangements.