To think I'll never get a handle on my alcohol consumption?

[LetsGoDoDoDo]

I have a problem with alcohol.

I'm turning 40 later this year and have been a binge drinker since I was 16. Mine is the typical tale of being the life and soul of the party, first to the bar, last to bed. I calmed down alot when DD was little but it's crept back up again.

I've been trying to give up since 2017 and I'm still messing up. DP and I did Dry Jan, then binge drinked for a weekend (was very ill afterwards), dry Feb with the same outcome. We then stopped together for 7 weeks but it's crept back in since we are socialising again. The thing is, I'm drinking at home (sometimes alone) again too. If I drink without going too far I congratulate myself like its a massive achievement then end up getting blotted the following night. Last weekend I caught up with a friend and stayed out til 7am. I cried the next day as I was so disappointed in myself. Felt ill all week then spent this weekend binge drinking all over again.

The thing is, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't have an off switch. But as soon as I have a drink all I care about is consuming more. I know it's started to impact on my health... there are little signs. Such as an increased resting heart rate. I'm supposed to be training for a marathon but have lost all motivation due to constantly be recovering from the previous weekend.

I want to be a good role model for my daughter. I fear I am letting her down, although my drinking doesn't directly affect her but I know it will in time.

I've read various quit lit, flirted with forums, read up on the dangers of heavy drinking to no avail. I told DP today that I'm done (again) and his response was that I need to learn to control it and accept I'll have the odd blow out with friends. I fear that I've lost his support and I don't blame him. I am a broken record!

Do I just accept this is who I am? My dad is high functioning alcoholic and perfectly content with his life... I just feel that I'm not really living. I feel sick if I'm being honest, like I'm slowly killing myself.

Can I combat this privately? Without fuss? Do I just need to get a grip?

Don’t just accept that it’s who you are - it doesn’t need to be.
Contact your GP and seek professional advice.
Good luck.

OP, everyone in my family is an alcoholic to various degrees.

My father and stepfather were the severe, abusive violent type of alcoholic.

My mum was the functioning alcoholic. It still affected me far more than she realised, and my sister is a functioning alcoholic too (I’m the other way - I rarely ever drink, if I do it’s one or two. I really hate being around drunk people, and the smell of alcohol).

You know this will be affecting your daughter already if you’re struggling with hangovers, crying about drinking, struggling with motivation. You know you are slowly milking yourself (my mum died at 61, terminal cancer - not directly related to drink but I’m sure the amount of alcohol she drank didn’t help her health and would have shortened her life eventually).

I think your partner is wrong - I don’t think you can have the occasional blow out with friends. I think you know you have to stop drinking because you can’t moderate your intake. It sounds like it’s ruling your life and that’s a miserable way to be. It doesn’t sound very functional either.

I’m not judging by the way - I’m the same with smoking. Twice in my life I’ve managed to give up for a long period and then I’ve started again because I thought I could have the odd one. I really can’t. I’m gearing up now to quit again and it’s harder this time because I know I can’t ever have another one. But it’s going to kill me if I don’t and I know I have to do it.

You need your partners support and it’s not going to be easy. But you can do it, like many others have done.

Does the thought of quitting completely scare you? It did me. But after years of too many day 1s, remorseful hangovers and general self loathing, as well as feeling like crap and like I was going to die eventually either slowly or not, I did just stop as it was so much easier than expending the mental energy on trying to control it all the time - when I knew that some combination of my genetics, my personality or whatever meant I never would.

Life is so much brighter now. You can have this and deserve it.

Thank you for your responses.

@FourEyesGood going to the GP terrifies me as I don't want to be labelled but then it might give me a kick up the backside.

@SinkGirl I too come from a long line of (functioning) alcoholics! Your attitude to drinking is similar to to sister's, who I envy. You speak a lot of sense.

@Corilee2806 how did you gain control? We're there any groups or methods that helped you in particular or did you just want up one day and things had changed for you? Tbh the thought of never drinking again does fill me with dread but in contrast, so does the thought of not being able to stop. I need to hold onto that.

I think your partner is wrong. You can't just have the occasional blow out with friends. You can't learn to control it, to just drink one or two, once every couple of months, whatever. If you could, you would have done so by now. Some of us just can't.

It is much, much easier once you stop and no longer have to spend all your time thinking about whether it's ok to drink this, or whether one more won't hurt, or whether you've got enough to drink in the house or need to buy some more, or whether the people around you would notice or care if you got another drink, or... When you don't have to try and remember what you did or said the night before, the arguments you had, the things you might regret.

It's hard to start with, but you've done the hard part repeatedly with the dry months you've managed. You just have to not start again. Accept that, for you, alcohol just isn't an option anymore - treat it like something you're allergic to; if you suddenly developed a peanut allergy, you couldn't learn to eat small quantities of peanut butter, and trying to might kill you. So you just wouldn't do it. Drinking alcohol probably won't kill you any time immediately, but you know it's not doing you any good. And your life will be better if you stop, with no real downside. There are lots and lots and lots of drinks in the world that don't have alcohol in them; treat this as your chance to try as many of them as possible until you find ones you like! (But stay away from alcohol free wines, every single one I have tried is awful...)

You can do this. You've already done the hardest bit before. You just have to keep going, day to the next, and it gets easier all the time. I stopped drinking nearly 3 years ago - there are occasional nights when the children are squabbling and getting on my last nerve when I think a v large glass of wine would be great, but I now recognise that's just a sign that I'm very stressed, and starting drinking again is really really unlikely to fix that! (Being able to work out what actual issues are lets me think about more appropriate solutions, and is something of a revelation - when alcohol was always the answer, it was often hard for me to work out what the actual problem was, which made it difficult to avoid in future...)

Anyway, enough rambling from me. Good luck with your decision and the changes you need to make.

Can I combat this privately? Without fuss? Do I just need to get a grip?

Yes, yes, & no.

Your are not your dad.
Your exposure to his drinking problem is a factor in your own - but that is all it is - a factor. It does not define you!

As to "combat", & "getting a grip" - whew.
In a quiet, not-hungover moment, please sit with that phraseology a while, & consider how harmful it is to your own precious wellbeing.

You, for crying out loud, are a woman who has trained for marathons, raised children, held down a job, & taken a first step by posting about your relationship with alcohol here.
I'd hazard you already have plenty of grip.

"Combat" sets alcohol up as your enemy, with you as alcohol's victim, enemy, combatant ... whatever - this can only be a win:lose situation for you OR alcohol. (Clue - alcohol's a dirty fighter, & doesn't care about you).

Now view the alcohol not as some booze, but as the representation of the things you are using it to mask in your own life & psyche.

No need to beat yourself up for immediate answers. This is a long process, & all the better for it. When you asked about addressing this privately, without fuss, I'm guessing you are looking to avoid feelings of shame, or judgement by others?
The good news is you can do that, if by "privately" you meant you have funds to allocate to therapy. The even better news is, if you choose to do this all via local NHS provision - none of the professionals attached to your case will shame or judge you either. They will applaud you for taking charge of your own health.

Look at this as an investment in your own future & mental health.
Your aim should be less about "how do I control the amount I drink" & MUCH more about "what are the buried reasons I drink, that I have put a lot of effort into concealing from myself, because they are so painful?"

Does this make sense?
You are looking for understanding of yourself, & how to avoid the things that make you overindulge - rather than some magic bullet that will instantly stop that indulgence.

Behavioural science fact:
Observe a series of people walking a tightrope.
Call out to 50% of them "don't slip! don't fall off!"
Call out to the other 50% "great balance, keep that focus, well done!"

No prizes for guessing which 50% does better at staying on the rope ...

You can carry that metaphor into another mindfulness state. There are 2 ways of viewing yourself & your problems/hang-ups/addictions.

The first is a CONCERN MINDSET.
From here, you notice yourself, pay attention to how you are feeling, & develop thoughts like "I'm worried about my liver. I'm pissed off because I lost another weekend's training as I was below-par. I could have gone on that nice weekend away if I hadn't blown the budget in the pub."

The second is the SHAME MINDSET.
This would 'translate' the same feelings as above into terminology like - "I'm damaging my body but I can't stop because the booze has a hold of me & I can't get a grip. I'm not good enough to run a marathon because I'm too weak from booze & I have no willpower. I'm pissing money away & I don't deserve a nice weekend away anyway."

A CONCERN mindset will bring you to the aware, self-caring state where you can begin to make changes.
A SHAME mindset will keep you trapped in the cycle of resolution, wagon-falling, 'failure', shame, & back into the cycle ... ad infinitum.

Your GP would welcome you to an appointment to discuss how you are going to take charge of your drinking. (The medical profession likes working with self-referrers who are genuine about taking charge of their own health!). So no shame there - just concern.
You can ask for referrals to private or NHS resources.
If you can afford private (face it - how much more will it cost that the booze? What would you rather spend that cash on?), please do so, & bear in mind that it's OK to try a few therapists before you find the optimum therapy style & personality to work with.

You don't need more willpower, you need more understanding, & a trusted guide to hold your hand while you spend up to a year in thoughtful, self-rewarding care of yourself. There is a lot of expert help out there, & I hereby give you permission to seek it, & along with it - all the benefits of truly understanding yourself, your motivators, your fears & your triggers.

You should already be proud of yourself.
Go out & get some expert tuition in how to get even prouder.

Going to the GP and saying it out loud is the start of the journey.
And I think you need to completely stop, both of you. No alcohol in the house ever. And no socialising near alcohol.
Get into your training and swap your addiction for something else.

I be would really recommend a drug and alcohol advisory service called change grow live cgl. They saved my life. They are all over the country and you can self refer for free.

Good luck

OP, there are AA meetings being held online. They are friendly and welcoming and no pressure for you to do or say anything, you can just observe and see if it’s something that may help? I attended 2 meetings in person 3 years ago and it helped me get on the right track. I didn’t carry on with them (the city centre venue was grim tbh) but I got the push I needed.

I’m lucky as I’m not in a relationship so there was no pressure or guilt from a DP to deal with. I think it might be harder when you live with another drinker. You can do it though. One step at a time x

I recommend Change,Grow, Live too OP. Not sure if they’re only in the North though. I have started parts therapy which looks at the time in your life where the drinking habits were formed and works on re-wiring the thought process. It’s not easy and I have slipped on occasion, but I am starting to understand the ‘why’ behind the drinking and the build up too it. I could have written your post, we have the same drinking pattern.

Good Luck OP

My ex was like you. He had to quit completely rather than go down the route of blow outs with friends. He has lapsed but realised and abided by not drinking at all. He wants to be the sort of person who can have just one but having one slides into two, three... The first time he stopped was when our children asked him not to buy alcohol when they were at the supermarket. This really shocked him into stopping completely. The second time was when he realised that alcohol was negatively affecting his relationship with the kids and gf. The kids are happy that he's stopped and stuck to it.
Do you have your motivation for quitting down in words? Perhaps you could read it when you're wavering? You could include all the the experiences you've had with alcoholic family members which might act as motivation to stop.
I think an AA or GP meeting might be in order. It'll be confronting but perhaps it is time to face the truth before your child is affected.

This is me - including the terrible shame afterwards. Even with having the worlds worst hangovers where I basically had alcohol poisoning it wouldn't stop me.
I've had to just stop and haven't had a drink for 4 years - not a drop. And as much as I think it would be fun sometimes to go out again and be the life and soul I dont want to be that person - unfortunately I haven't managed to go out and not drink so still got that hurdle to jump

It seems OP that you have to face the fact that you are an ALCOHOLIC!! You said that you have a problem with alcohol, but have you actually admitted, out loud, even to just yourself, that you are an alcoholic? I think in your shoes having admitted that you have a problem, I would be heading straight to the nearest alcohol help service, particularly if you genuinely don't want to do this anymore. You say that you've done a dry month here and there, but then revert to form, this still means that you ARE an alcoholic, because you simply cannot resist alcohol long term. So please don't fool yourself into thinking that you can handle this by yourself, get some help as soon as you possibly can, and give your daughter the childhood she deserves, not one where she's constantly wondering if she's going to wake up to find Mum throwing up, or nursing a headache. They soon pick up on these things, you know. So sort it out NOW before it goes any further. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Hi second the advice to approach cgl, they're brilliant. You can self refer, I don't think they tell your GP but they did send me for blood tests so that went on my records. If you think you have a problem don't wait another ten years like I did. Cgl will definitely help you sort it out. Good luck

Op I sometimes feel the same. Helpful posts from others. Thank you.

What age is your dc? Don't be fooled into thinking they won't be affected yet. Ds was 4 when he made me a play dough pizza and a bottle of wine! A few years later and I have that bottle of wine on a shelf in the kitchen to remind me to stay the hell away from alcohol. My last drink was the day before I was due to take him to the cinema. However I was too tired and hungover to go. That was it. I had come across a group called One Year No Beer and I joined their facebook page. It got me through that year and I haven't touched a drink in over 4 years. I still crave it at times but the benefits far outweigh the negatives and I remember all the bad times of drinking so don't want to go back.

You are an alcoholic so it won't work to try to control your drinking. You need to give up full stop and forever. I think you already know this especially as all your attempts to control it have failed.

Hi OP,

Can’t relate much as I’m not a drinker and only drink maybe twice a year.

However I was a smoker so can understand the addiction side of things and how it takes control of you.

If you have done dry January then you are capable of going a period, maybe an incentive that is more visible will help?
Everytime you would usually drink, put however much you spend on it in a jar and then keep adding to the jar each time, then at the end of that month treat yourself to a spa day or whatever makes you feel good and then next month start the jar again, therefore it will be something you see that’s making a difference (savings of money) and something you experience that makes you feel good (your treat with the money after doing a month).

Good luck xx

I could have written your post a few years ago. Very similar to my story, especially the 'off' switch and last one to bed etc. I too had done a few 'dry Januarys' and 'sober Octobers'. I have functioning and not so functioning alcoholics in my extended family and a number of relatives who have died due to alcohol misuse.

After reading your post, I thought I would share what has so far worked for me. I decided not to seek professional help and go it alone (I agree with pp though that obviously professional advice is always recommended). What helped me, was deciding to quit for a full 12 months as part of my turning 40 year. I figured this was longer than the dry months and by being 'part of my 40th challenge/celebrations' it meant my friends and family supported me through it, egging me on. It helped me to dress it up like that - although I appreciate others wouldn't agree this to necessarily be the best approach. I even had a 40th birthday party and I was the only sober adult! It felt like a novelty and I had lots of support to achieve the goal without too many questions or concerns from others... That year gave me the break from alcohol I needed to step back and really understand what was going on. It helped me to see more clearly, address some of my issues and admit I had a real problem with alcohol dependency.

As the end of the 12 months approached I made a commitment that I wouldn't ever drink again until my children had moved out/started their own adult lives. They were only 4 and 7 at the time. I've since decided it will be forever, but back then that felt like a more realistic commitment. It also felt like I wasn't just doing it for me, but for them too. I've now been completely sober for almost 5 years and can honestly never see me drinking again.

Unfortunately my DP wasn't that supportive and continued to drink - we've since separated.

It is not an easy journey and there are many ways to get there (as you will know if you've read the quit lit and joined the forums). Good luck with working it all out.

I have been where you are and am now alcohol free. It is possible but you have to reach a point where you are ready to commit. Not necessarily "rock bottom", it's a myth that you have to reach abject awfulness before you begin. But you do have to be resolved in your mind and sometimes it takes a few attempts. Many people have periods of not drinking, and longer periods of attempting (and failing) to moderate, before making it stick.
It sounds like you have been thinking about it for a while and you will know from reading the Quit Lit that it is possible.
I won't lie: the first bit was tough. But it got easier very quickly and now I'm happier than I've ever been. Quitting alcohol is one of the best decisions I have ever made, and it has made other aspects of my life better too, in particular my ability to parent my children.
I couldn't have done it without support and at the start I started a thread in the MN Alcohol Support topic, which has turned into a series. The advice and camaraderie of other mumsnetters focused on eliminating alcohol from their lives kept me going and I really recommend you pop over and have a read and join in if you want to. It's the one with "Free" in the title. 🙂 Or start a thread specific to your needs if that would be more helpful- but do get some support. Quitters are a friendly bunch and people who have been sober for a while are always keen to pay forward the love and help they received in the early stages. You are not alone.
You can do this, if you want to! Best of luck.

OP alcohol is an addictive substance, drink enough of it & you will become addicted. It is also carcinogenic, causes anxiety plus numerous other adverse effects. Once you have veered into addictive territory you need to stop completely. People find life much better not regularly ingesting a poison. Best of luck.

@Charging buck, that is brilliant and thoughtful advice. OP, just posting here is a win. Good luck and good advice.

The only thing that you need to accept is that you are and always will be an alcoholic. You do not need to accept that there is nothing you can do about it. You say that you feel like you are slowly killing yourself, well you are, although it might not be as slowly as you think.

I strongly disagree with your husband when he says you should accept that you will have the odd blow out. Although I do understand, if he is exhausted by it all, that he might think is a least worse option. But what you actually need to accept is that you cannot touch alcohol again ever, you can never have a first drink again. There is a great book produced by the AA called “Living Sober” that may help with getting your head around this, this alien concept of never touching alcohol again.

Hopeful notes that struck me in your post are that you kind of admit to the problem (although I think you need to say “I am an alcoholic” rather than “I have a problem with alcohol”) but more so that you express the desire to stop. This is a huge hurdle, in fact it is a lost cause without that.

I am an alcoholic but I am sober now. I had a few false starts to my sobriety but I always had the desire to stop drinking so I tried and tried again. I went to rehab (self funded) but I think the AA meetings are just as good as rehab. Unusually I went it alone for my final (and ongoing) attempt, but I have always been a bit of a loner and that is perhaps just something about me, I think it is more normal to need and use the support of a group.

I will probably start to participate in meetings again at some point, as I have in the past. Meetings went online early last year and by now there will be a mixture of online and physical meetings available. Go to one tomorrow. You might find it easier to get to an online one, it is not quite as daunting as walking into the first physical one.

Hi OP, I can completely relate to this; I'm a bit younger than you, and don't have kids yet, but I had a serious problem with drink/sounding like a broken record. I went to my GP and explained my situation - they didn't label me as anything, simply referred me to my local addiction unit (where I get a weekly call from a counsellor) and popped me on a medication called Acamprosate - this has completely deadened my cravings for alcohol, I have 2x tablets 3x times a day and it's completely changed my life, would highly recommend it to anyone struggling that wants to change.

I was a very similar drinker to you, OP.

AA is the only thing that has worked for me. Sober for 15 months and it’s honestly the best thing I could have done. I’m happier than I’ve been in years.

Look for online Zoom meetings on the AA website. You don’t have to speak in meetings or even have your camera on in some meetings. Just listen and see what you think.