To think I'll never get a handle on my alcohol consumption?

[LetsGoDoDoDo]

I have a problem with alcohol.

I'm turning 40 later this year and have been a binge drinker since I was 16. Mine is the typical tale of being the life and soul of the party, first to the bar, last to bed. I calmed down alot when DD was little but it's crept back up again.

I've been trying to give up since 2017 and I'm still messing up. DP and I did Dry Jan, then binge drinked for a weekend (was very ill afterwards), dry Feb with the same outcome. We then stopped together for 7 weeks but it's crept back in since we are socialising again. The thing is, I'm drinking at home (sometimes alone) again too. If I drink without going too far I congratulate myself like its a massive achievement then end up getting blotted the following night. Last weekend I caught up with a friend and stayed out til 7am. I cried the next day as I was so disappointed in myself. Felt ill all week then spent this weekend binge drinking all over again.

The thing is, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't have an off switch. But as soon as I have a drink all I care about is consuming more. I know it's started to impact on my health... there are little signs. Such as an increased resting heart rate. I'm supposed to be training for a marathon but have lost all motivation due to constantly be recovering from the previous weekend.

I want to be a good role model for my daughter. I fear I am letting her down, although my drinking doesn't directly affect her but I know it will in time.

I've read various quit lit, flirted with forums, read up on the dangers of heavy drinking to no avail. I told DP today that I'm done (again) and his response was that I need to learn to control it and accept I'll have the odd blow out with friends. I fear that I've lost his support and I don't blame him. I am a broken record!

Do I just accept this is who I am? My dad is high functioning alcoholic and perfectly content with his life... I just feel that I'm not really living. I feel sick if I'm being honest, like I'm slowly killing myself.

Can I combat this privately? Without fuss? Do I just need to get a grip?

Another vote for the quit lit genre. Reading these in the space of about a month really helped brainwash me – in a good way. Jason Vale & Allen Carr's writing is clunky & repetitive but that's the point: it's hypnotic. I started by quitting for a month, then the books said 3 months was necessary to really feel the benefits so I gritted my teeth and did that (not at all easy), after that I didn't want to go back. Didn't realise how much DCs had minded until I stopped and they said it was an improvement.
Not every element of the books below resonated with me but enough clicked for it to be a big help:
Jason Vale
Kick the Drink...Easily!

Clare Pooley's The Sober Diaries
[[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Catherine-Gray/e/B077N8JG9L/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1
Catherine Gray]]
The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober: Discovering a happy, healthy, wealthy alcohol-free life

Lotta Dann
Mrs D is Going Without: A Memoir

There are a lot of myths around alcoholism, but the plain truth is if you can't stop drinking once you have had one drink, you have a problem with alcohol. It doesn't matter what label you give yourself.

I didn't drink every day, but once I started drinking I would drink a whole bottle of wine, and sometimes a bit more. I managed to fit my drinking in around my job, mainly drinking at weekends. I knew I had a problem even though I wasn't the classic 'drinking every day', or 'drinking anything' type of drinker. I was very fussy about what I drank, and planned when I was going to drink. I tried to moderate my drinking and did dry January most years, but I still ended up binge drinking wine twice a week.

I started going to AA two years ago and can honestly say that it was one of the best things I have ever done. I have accepted that I am powerless over alcohol and that I am not able to drink normally. I did find some of the 'God' stuff in AA a bit of a problem, but I managed to find a way to work the programme without any religious beliefs and without any spirituality.

Good luck GoDoDoDo you've got this!

Another vote for Annie Grace and YouTubes of other people. The FB support group for The Naked Mind was great.

I am as a lot like you. Done a year now. Its easier to go alcohol free entirely than to try and moderate. I barely think about it now.

Holly Whitaker Quit like a Woman is good.

Looking into why you drink and whether it's to avoid uncomfortable thoughts.

Good luck to your DS @tarapinn

I'll check out some of the books that have been mentioned. I've read a few of them already but it might be useful to revisit. I do have some on audio as PP suggested as I used to have a bit of a commute to work. Perhaps I could listen to these when I'm put for a run.... extra motivation!

@ChargingBuck you've provided me with some interesting insight here in terns of my DPs reaction and the fact that there are underlying reasons for my unhealthy habits... I can't refer to myself as an addict or alcoholic. I realise I'm nit helping myself here! I think some counselling is probably essential. I've always been a bag of nerves and alcohol and identifying as the party girl provided some relief from my anxiety and self doubt. DP and I have discussed AA at lunch and I think he's going to struggle a bit with the changes that I'm making. He's not unsupportive, if you see what I mean? Just worried on how it's going to impact on him and our relationship. He's assured me he will be there to help me manage how much drink but its not that simple. He can easily have a glass of wine and not even consider the rest of the bottle, whereas I'll be eyeing up the rest of the bottle and assessing what I can drink once that's finished, instead of chilling out with a nice glass of wine. I've tried to explain this to him. But you're right it's not his journey. I know well be fine once he's adjusted.

We talked about our friends, most of whom binge drink (at best). We discussed the dynamic and I told DP that I kind of want to go under the radar. Still socialise but without an alcohol drink in my hand. If anyone notices and asks why I'm off the booze I'll simply explain I'm doing a challenge for my 40th. Maybe crack a joke about wrinkles and then move on. I hope that's a good strategy. I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable... we're all on our own path.

I can't add anything to the really touching and wise comments already posted but wanted to send good wishes. I have felt your pain and the self loathing and shame. Do watch the power of vulnerability by Brene Browne, it totally and utterly changed the way I approach myself.

Also, to the PP who have mentioned the impact this will have on my DD. This is what I worry about! I was brought up in a pub until I was 10yo, my dad sank four pints the night before running a marathon (that was him moderating!), booze is a huge part of my upbringing and extended family life. Family get togethers center around alcohol... it's all very middle class but they are still a bunch of (lovely) piss heads! I want to break this cycle for my DD. Her dad doesn't drink anymore due to health reasons so I feel I should also do my bit to set a good example.

I would recommend Smart Recovery.Message me if you want more info.

@FactyFrances - thanks for the book recommendations, I have just ordered both of the female-authored ones :) - continuous moral support & getting back to basics helps me, & they look cracking for that.

@LetsGoDoDoDo - you & DH really have a handle on this. I'm so pleased to have been helpful, & I do enjoy your stance of flying under the radar.

Please also bear in mind - YES, 'naming the problem' is necessary. But NO - you don't have to label yourself.
Some do, & find it helpful: some do, & find it alienating.
Some don't, who could really benefit from waking themselves up to the facts of alcoholism: some don't - like PP above who made such excellent points about "we don't call people smoke-aholics ..."

I'm not even sure if I'm an alkie.
I generally find it very easy to go without at home - it's the ritual & comfort I enjoy, & by reminding myself of that, I remember that I don't need the booze to make ritual & comfort for myself.

Social drinking is harder, & I realised that a few years back, when a friend discovered herself effortlessly enjoying sobriety. What she didn't enjoy was discovering the reasons she'd not gone sober earlier - it was because she didn't truthfully enjoy the company of some of her then social circle. She drank enough to cope with them - & it was only by not drinking for a number of months that the blinkers came off long enough for her to realise that she didn't need to change her relationship with alcohol as much as she needed to change her relationships with elitist metropolitan arseholes.
That had been her demon.
Obviously it's more complex than that, & took some unpicking - but we all have these demons - & we need to stop drinking for long enough to identify them.
And that is where the hard work starts.
Because until we do, they will lurk, until they become distressing enough to need 'drowning' again.

This is what I was driving at with posts upthread re: "you don't need more willpower - you need more understanding."
Once we truly understand our demons, we can manage them, without reaching for the blissful numbness of the bottle.
FWIW, my demon was similar to my friends in that I drank (a lot) to cope with other people. Once I removed those people from my life, it got a hell of a lot simpler.
BUT ... those were the surface demons.

Underneath them, what was driving my friend's & my willingness to keep associating with people we didn't genuinely like?
My friend's was related to her superficial, social climbing mother, & working out some psych. stuff around that.
Mine was related to CSA, & working out my own psych. stuff about consent, & what I do/don't "have to put up with" ... & how to handle the C-PTSD symptoms without a drink in my paw.

My goodness what an essay. It wasn't meant to derail! - but to illustrate why it's a good idea for you to tackle this as a long-term life change, involving deep thought, deep self-knowledge - & an expert counsellor or therapist.

Thanks to everyone who commented with positivity, compassion, & education on this excellent thread. xx

my dad sank four pints the night before running a marathon (that was him moderating!

Think I'm 'allowed' to roar my head off at this now!
You have such lovely energy OP. Considerate of others, capable of conceptual leaps, great sense of humour -
I have no worries about you losing your spark, or feeling flat :)

@ChargingBuck

Smashed: Growing up a Drunk Girl was the book that made me realise I needed to do something about my drinking.

Someone close to me had issues with drink and drugs in the last few years. They had to quit completely, and it did impact their friend group. Some people they had to stop seeing, as they were pushing without realising (“surely one can’t hurt, just have a couple of drinks”) or directly (“fancy a line of coke?”). Some friends stopped seeing them, because the person not drinking made them uncomfortable.

Accept there might be a few casualties but the people who are real friends will understand. You shouldn’t define yourself as a person by your drinking. You are so much more than that.

💐 because I know this is a tough journey.

Hi OP. Your post resonated with me. I was, for pretty much all my life, a binge drinker. I didn’t feel a physical need to drink daily, so I and others wouldn’t see me as an alcoholic. But I was terrible at moderating. Could rarely managed to go out for 2/3 drinks. Often things would get really out of hand. My drinking would lead me to do all sorts of embarrassing things. I’d often have complete memory loss after drinking. I spent endless days miserably hungover, hating myself.

My drinking abated through circumstance when I had my first child but even though, binges would still happen, just less frequently, and despite my best intentions to drink in moderation.

It came to a head when I got blind drunk during a weekend away with friends when we all had our kids with us. I was so battered sharing a room with my baby daughter and suffering husband.

I decided something had to change. I read some books mentioned previously which helped me - Jason Vale, Catherine Grey and Claire Pooley.

I made the decision to stop. Indefinitely. This was really really really hard. I had stopped before but always for a set time with the hope of returning to drink more sensibly. The prospect of cutting out drinking completely and forever really got me down. I couldn’t imagine myself without alcohol. Sober weddings. Sober meals. Sober nights out. It all sounded so joyless.

So I was very down when I embarked on this. I wondered how long it would last. I decided just to stop and see what happened.

And you now what? The reality of not drinking was so much easier than taking the decision to stop. It felt weird not to be drinking at certain times but it soon became normal. All my friends and family were super supportive. Turn out (unsurprisingly) they loved me in spite of my drinking not because of it. And life is just now so much more simple.

Any upside alcohol ever gave me is no match for the feeling of not having to worry about the consequences of my behaviour.

I can speak about what worked for me. I hope you find away forward that works for you.

Good luck and take care.

P.s. it’s coming up to 4 years sober for me. Not one regret, save perhaps having done it sooner!

@ChargingBuck

What worked for me was another ex drinker suggesting I try the quit lit again but on audible rather than a book.

Bloody hell @Northernsoullover, that is ace!

Is it the switch in sensory perception, & learning states (e.g. from visual to aural learner) that made the difference for you?

I'm fascinated :) & also impressed with your perseverance, well done you

It must have been! I described it to friends as reaching parts of my brain that printed text didn't

I understand that dealing with chronic alcoholism is pretty challenging. However, you should understand that you can stop drinking alcohol or drink less. If you feel that you can not deal with this problem alone, you can ask for help. And there is nothing to be ashamed about. For instance, I recommend you start reading some articles and forums about dry January. This should be a good beginning. Also, you can start some rehabilitation courses. With the help of a therapist, you will be able to deal with this problem much easier.