To think I'll never get a handle on my alcohol consumption?

[LetsGoDoDoDo]

I have a problem with alcohol.

I'm turning 40 later this year and have been a binge drinker since I was 16. Mine is the typical tale of being the life and soul of the party, first to the bar, last to bed. I calmed down alot when DD was little but it's crept back up again.

I've been trying to give up since 2017 and I'm still messing up. DP and I did Dry Jan, then binge drinked for a weekend (was very ill afterwards), dry Feb with the same outcome. We then stopped together for 7 weeks but it's crept back in since we are socialising again. The thing is, I'm drinking at home (sometimes alone) again too. If I drink without going too far I congratulate myself like its a massive achievement then end up getting blotted the following night. Last weekend I caught up with a friend and stayed out til 7am. I cried the next day as I was so disappointed in myself. Felt ill all week then spent this weekend binge drinking all over again.

The thing is, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't have an off switch. But as soon as I have a drink all I care about is consuming more. I know it's started to impact on my health... there are little signs. Such as an increased resting heart rate. I'm supposed to be training for a marathon but have lost all motivation due to constantly be recovering from the previous weekend.

I want to be a good role model for my daughter. I fear I am letting her down, although my drinking doesn't directly affect her but I know it will in time.

I've read various quit lit, flirted with forums, read up on the dangers of heavy drinking to no avail. I told DP today that I'm done (again) and his response was that I need to learn to control it and accept I'll have the odd blow out with friends. I fear that I've lost his support and I don't blame him. I am a broken record!

Do I just accept this is who I am? My dad is high functioning alcoholic and perfectly content with his life... I just feel that I'm not really living. I feel sick if I'm being honest, like I'm slowly killing myself.

Can I combat this privately? Without fuss? Do I just need to get a grip?

I felt the same a few years ago. I was so ashamed. My fantasy life was as a non drinker.
I cut down, did dry Jan, stopped for months at a time over several years, tried to just have one with dinner...but every time I opened a bottle I looked at it knowing I would have a second, then a third....

"Moderation" was just too hard. I couldn't moderate. I just stopped. It was tough at first but it's been 3 years now and I don't miss it at all. I never thought would say this. I'm at peace. Life is so much simpler. No decisions, agonising, can I afford the hangover, can I write off tomorrow, can I take the shame.....just a simple no.

@LetsGoDoDoDo I think it was just waking up one day and saying enough was enough! No real rock bottom moment although I’d had many before. Just that realisation - if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got. I just knew I couldn’t ever have that unattainable ‘good’ relationship with alcohol and I was going to lose a lot if I didn’t change. My drinking behaviour was very similar to yours.

Weirdly, this time it didn’t take a lot of effort as it was like there had been a mindset shift inside me. I feel very lucky as I was expecting a struggle. I didn’t need medical withdrawal or anything like that but obviously many do so should definitely see a doctor. I didn’t as I was so scared they’d do tests on me and say my liver was failing - seems so silly looking back! I read lots of books and the ones that really helped me were Catherine Gray - the unexpected joy of being sober, and glorious rock bottom by Bryony Gordon. There’s so much quit lit out there, I think it’s a case of finding authors whose voices you can relate to and I love both of those. I also started exercising a lot more and threw myself into boxing to cope with the feelings I was now having to sit with, which I previously drank away. Highly recommend! I also dabbled in some of the online communities like club soda although found these helped me less as I didn’t really need them for accountability but I know some people swear by them. I also didn’t go to meetings as I felt strong but knew where to go if I needed to. AA never felt right for me.

It can be tricky if you’re still surrounded by drinkers but it is doable - having a supportive partner really helps. Mine still drinks but a lot less and has AF beers during the week etc.

In your heart it sounds like you know what you need to, especially for your child. I have been sober for 3.5 years and never once looked back or regretted it. I now have two babies and every day I am blown away by the knowledge that a) they most likely wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t have stopped and b) I know I can be the best mum and give them what they need because I don’t have this in my life anymore.

You’ve had some great advice on here from people who clearly know a lot about recovery. I wish you all the best x

I signed up to the 3 month challenge on one year no beer this time last year and have just passed my one year milestone. It was what I needed to make myself accountable and those first 3 months were the hardest. I used to drink at least 5 bottles of wine a week before that. I can’t believe I did it!

Good luck OP. If you want it you can do it.

You sound like I used to be. I have never called myself an alcoholic because I think the word is incredibly unhelpful. Do we call ex smokers 'smokeaholics'? Or ex heroin users 'heroinaholics' no we don't. Alcohol is an addictive substance and if you drink enough you will get addicted. I firmly believe anyone who gets drunk has an Alcohol problem. Anyway now I've had my rant, like you I tried quit lit, tried self imposed rules (stop drinking red wine, only drink lager, only drink on weekends). Nothing seemed to work and I was in despair.
What worked for me was another ex drinker suggesting I try the quit lit again but on audible rather than a book.
Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck was miracle worker and I stopped drinking overnight and that was 2 years and 3 months ago. If you haven't tried audible it's definitely worth a go.
If you have there are plenty of other places you can turn as suggested above. I just thought I would share what worked for me

Your daughter deserves better OP. Don't accept being an alcoholic 🙄

I was lucky enough to just have that lightbulb moment after reading Clare Pooley's sober diaries where I realised alcohol didn't do for me what I'd always thought it had. The shift in my attitude was almost instant and I missed the concept of having a drink to relax in the evening rather than the actual drink.
So liberating to not have to have that internal dialogue every day about whether to drink or not.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and kind responses. I half expected to get slated for my post... I feel like that's what I deserve. There is so much fantastic advice here. Thank you @ChargingBuck for taking the time to send such a thorough reply.

I'm going to contact my GP today and also AA to find a meeting. I got in touch with AA aboit 18 months ago and they lovely lady popped round for cuppa and a chat. She gave me some reading material, shared her story and recommended I attend a meeting but with no expectation on me to do so. Anyway, I bottled it (pun intended) and told myself I'm not an alcoholic, I just have a bit of a problem.

Last night I spoke to DP and he suggested I go to AA but he also told me he thinks I can learn to control it. I know that I can't. I wish I could. It was frustrating because he tried his best to convince me that I can learn to stop at two drinks.... grrr! I don't blame him, he's probably utterly sick of hearing me repeat myself! I know he'll come round once he realises that I'm serious this time.

I like the idea of approaching this as a 40th birthday year challenge with friends and family. Weirdly, everyone I know seems to try to talk me out of quitting... "you don't have a problem you just like to party!" My friends joke that my catch phrase is "just one more drink!". I'm generally the life and soul of the party so I worry that stopping will change the dynamic if every single one of my relationships. Like I won't be the same person and everyone will think I'm dull.

Sorry for offloading.

I need to be strong. Thank you again for all of the advice, straight talking and kindness.

You don't sound dull to me, and your friends presumably like you when they see you sober in the daytime, so they're unlikely to suddenly find you boring. You might find that some people are uncomfortable with you stopping drinking because it makes them think about the amount they drink. They'll get over it, or maybe make some changes themselves. You shouldn't carry on drinking because you think other people might get bored by you - that's their decision to make, anyway!

I really liked the 40th birthday challenge idea, too! It'll give you an excuse for people who insist on one and it'll make it feel less final for you, maybe.

What worked for me was another ex drinker suggesting I try the quit lit again but on audible rather than a book.

Bloody hell @Northernsoullover, that is ace!

Is it the switch in sensory perception, & learning states (e.g. from visual to aural learner) that made the difference for you?

I'm fascinated :) & also impressed with your perseverance, well done you

Yes, I think the challenge is more manageable! Although, a year already seems like a long time! I want to do it, I just hope I don't cave.

I'm actually determined this time. I've just contacted my GP for an appointment, they'll get back to me tomorrow. And there's a local AA meeting I can attend tomorrow evening. I might join an online one tonight, just so that I don't lose momentum.

It's really scary, I feel like I'm staring out into the unknown. Who will I be without drink and partying? Will I still enjoy parties, festivals, weddings, Christmas, etc without booze? I'm worried that my choice is between to carry on slowly killing myself, filled with self-loathing and lacking in motivation or to live life sober but it will all just feel a bit flat. Like my spark has gone. I'm still a bit conflicted regarding my ability to sort this out.

@LetsGoDoDoDo googleThe Sinclair Method. It's not for everyone, but it workedwell for me and lots of others I know. You can PM me if you want to kniw more after googling,

High five @Corilee2806 I LOVE how you used boxing to deal with the underlying internal landscape :) xx

Honestly, I don’t think having alcoholics in the family means you’re destined to join them.

Alcohol is an additive substance. It’s not genetics that make you addicted- it’s alcohol itself. Some of us are affected more than others but on that scale - we all have one thing in comment. We drink a substance which makes us want more, it messes with our brains. And we trick ourselves into thinking we should be able to handle a little bit but the reality is, once our brain knows we can have loads (from past experiences), it takes us back there.

So I would reach out to some professionals. Be it your GP or try one of those dry programmes (eg Annie Grace or one year no beer) and see how you get on.

For me, it was signing up to Annie Grace 30 day challenge and really doing the podcasts etc and exercises. That has reset me a bit and made me more “aware”. I realise that it might take a few goes before I fully quit.
But I think I actually need to quite completely.

I still drink a tiny bit - and as I’m more “aware”, I can feel myself wanting to drink more. This is why I think no drinking is the answer but it’s hard to make that last leap.

YABU. This isn’t who you are and trying to say it is is an excuse so you don’t have to address it.

Seeing a GP might terrify you but what you’re doing to yourself and your family should terrify you more.

Op, I think your partner wants you to keep drinking, probably because he enjoys the social aspect wand feels you will loose that.

You absolutely can't moderate how much you drink. If you could, you would have been doing that instead for the last 20 years.

Trying to cut down is fucking exhausting and only serves to reinforce your addiction.

I think you need to do this:

1. Accept total abstinence
2. Join a group/get help
3. Accept total abstinence for the rest of your days

Nothing else is going to work.

Good luck, I think you can do it.

My Dad gave up after 30 years (at 50) of being an alcoholic and my DH after 20 years (at 38).

They both stayed sober but unfortunately my Dad had ruined his health by then so the last few years of his life were much harder than they should have been.

Yes, I think the challenge is more manageable! Although, a year already seems like a long time! I want to do it, I just hope I don't cave

Setting yourself the challenge is one thing. However I found that once I told people - Dh, family and friends - I felt I had to follow through. I didn't want anyone saying 'I knew you'd cave'. Dh still drinks at home. He was supportive but couldn't understand why I felt the need to give up completely. The problem was the thought of a drink was never far from my mind. I didn't drink daily and when I did drink I wouldn't go mad, but I just loved it and gave it too much headspace. One glass of wine was never enough. I had half heartedly tried to give it up previously after landing myself in hospital after a drunken fall, and lasted 3 months. I thought then I'd be able to just have a glass, or drink water alongside my drink. But that didn't last long.

Don't be surprised if some people roll their eyes and think your are being daft. Some of my friends didn't seem to want to know - most likely because they are functioning alcoholics! Other non drinking friends were supportive. I have one family member who really supported me and still asks over 4 years later if I'm off it. She'll encourage me to stay off it.

So set yourself a challenge and tell people and then be a stubborn mule so that you stick to it and won't have anyone come and say they thought you'd never do it! You will be so proud of yourself.

I'm worried that my choice is between to carry on slowly killing myself, filled with self-loathing and lacking in motivation or to live life sober but it will all just feel a bit flat.

Even if that were your choice - and I don't think it is, really - one of those things sounds a lot worse than the other to me! Feeling a bit flat, or hating yourself and dying slowly. Tough call...

Also, I was amazed my Dad managed to get sober but watching him so ill for so long was as bad as the alcoholism in many ways.

Alcohol doesn't just fuck your liver, it can damage every organ in your body. My Dad's kidneys started failing in his forties as did his heart.

A lot of it is learned behaviour from the adults around us, the fear is your DC normalising it and following the same road so I understand your frustration and want for change.

I feel like that's what I deserve

Thank you for your other, kinder comments (which I trust you will note are all directed at others, not at ... yourself ..?)

What you deserve, my dear, is a life without blighting shame in it.
Get to work on that "concern mindset" - it's as simple (I don't say easy) as applying the same consideration, tactful support, & understanding to yourself as you do to your loved ones.

Last night I spoke to DP and he suggested I go to AA but he also told me he thinks I can learn to control it. I know that I can't. I wish I could. It was frustrating because he tried his best to convince me that I can learn to stop at two drinks.... grrr! I don't blame him, he's probably utterly sick of hearing me repeat myself! I know he'll come round once he realises that I'm serious this time.

Your DP needs to understand that he is not an addiction counsellor - & certainly not yours - & to appreciate that this is your journey, not his.

His reaction is predictable & understandable. Even tho' he's irritating me a little, because it's also a bit ignorant.

Of course he would like to believe you can train yourself to stop at 2 drinks. That would be easy (for him), & convenient (for him), & non-challenging (for him).

Maybe he can stop at 2 drinks, so can't see why you cannot.
Maybe he can't, & needs a denial-buddy.
Maybe he doesn't want you to give up entirely, because he likes the wife he knows, who is a laugh to drink with.
Maybe he's feeling undermined or nervous about how not boozing to excess will change you.

It's very common for the close friends & family of addicts to feel challenged when the addict begins the process of withdrawing from their substance.
Because it's not simply "this is still X, who is exactly the same, just without the addiction".
It becomes "this is X, who is changing in front of my eyes, & whose behaviours are no longer the same & I am feeling all uncomfortable about it. I'd better persuade them that their addicton isn't too bad, & they can handle it. Because I can't handle their sobriety."

Of course I'm not saying this is DH's intent!
But addictions run DEEP, & our loved ones don't always cope well with how a deep-seated behaviour change will present itself. When you have some counselling in place, this might be a good area to explore.
One of the most difficult parts of the journey toward either sobriety, or non-problem drinking, is other people's attitude toward it.

I suspect you will be more comfortable if DH backs off with his "advice" & gives you the courtesy of managing your own drinking/not drinking as you see fit - not as he does.

Excellent post @ChargingBuck!

It's really scary, I feel like I'm staring out into the unknown. Who will I be without drink and partying? Will I still enjoy parties, festivals, weddings, Christmas, etc without booze? I'm worried that my choice is between to carry on slowly killing myself, filled with self-loathing and lacking in motivation or to live life sober but it will all just feel a bit flat. Like my spark has gone. I'm still a bit conflicted regarding my ability to sort this out.

I totally get this - but the unknown is only scary until ... you get to know it a bit better!

You may feel flat - for a little while.
You may feel your spark has gone - for a little while.
But you are a smart & resourceful woman (I read between lines for a living, trust me on this) who will soon see the scary unknown as a brand new adventure, in a world where fun, & spark, are derived from other sources than booze.

You might lose, or change, some friendships along the way.
But anyone who thinks you are boring for choosing not to allow yourself to become a lifelong alkie are fooling themselves, not you - & at that point, if it happens, you get to decide if you even want them in your adventure.

@MumInBrussels

Excellent post *@ChargingBuck*!

Oh Muuuuuuuum! - same to you, with knobs on xx

Your post about friends liking the daytime/sober LetsGo as much as the life & soul version was spot-on, & I hope OP is internalising everything you have written on this thread :)

Are you an alcohol counsellor chargingbuck?

Your posts are so thoughtful and make so much sense.
My ds20 is coming to the realisation that he is already an alcoholic (not the frequency he drinks but the inability to stop) and has started seeing an online addiction therapist who also talked about finding the void that alcohol fills.
I hope he is helps ds. I really do.

Good luck OP. You sound determined and there is so much good advice on this thread.

If you go to your GP, could they inform social services? I don't know, but just wanted to flag it as something to be potentially aware of as you say you have a child.

Does anyone more knowledgeable than me know the answer?