Straw poll- do all toddlers have tantrums?

[AngeloMysterioso]

YANBU- yes, all toddlers have tantrums, it’s just part of toddler-hood.

YABU, no, not all toddlers have tantrums, only the ill-disciplined ones.

YABU as in this day and age it isnt 'tantrums' its 'meltdowns', apparently

However as they get past about 3 I would expect full blown tantrums to be reducing, by then a child should be learning that they aren't very effective.

My older two had them later than that - not because they were effective but I think sensory sentivity played a role and they were also very young in school year and I think the busy noisy environment exhuasted them and early school years tantrum weren't unknown at home - they pefectly normal well behaved doing well at school teens now.

No none if my three have ever had a tantrum. I don’t think it’s anything to do with parenting though!

Middle option for me. A couple of strops here and there (usually when over tired) but no mega tantrums lasting over months. DD was very placid.

Yes, I didnt say they wouldnt happen at all after that but in NT children I'd expect them to reduce a bit relative to between 18m and 3 or so when if they are like my DD she will throw one because she asked for peas and I gave her them.... I think that phase you do have to show them this sort of utter overreaction is pointless and achieves nothing!

In older children I do think they are usually more when they are knackered/hungry/coming down with something!

Absolutely depends on the child. Ds1 never ever had tantrums, ds2 is nearly 2 and already has big ones! They are just different personalities and if anything I'm firmer now than I was with ds1 so I don't think it's to do with parenting!

"YABU as in this day and age it isnt 'tantrums' its 'meltdowns', apparently"

They are different things. Although I prefer to describe the behaviour typical in a meltdown as distressed behaviour.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland yea sorry - I was just think about the huge flack I got off other parents and family because my school age kids had tantrums there was lots of that shouldn't happen at their age.

It was usually knackered/hungry/getting sick or extremely frustrated with some situation usually at school that wasn't getting better. There were more understandable reasons for the behavior.

@AngeloMysterioso

Genuinely was not trying to be goady.

your main post should've been clear that it was not your opinion. lesson learnt.

thanks for explaining though.

I put YABU but I disagree with the sentiment attached to it.

Mine wasn’t one for having many tantrums but that’s down to her personality more than my parenting style, which isn’t authoritarian in any way! And if she did tantrum I certainly didn’t punish her for it!

I was apparently an incredibly placid toddler who turned into a child who was a people pleaser to an extent that concerned my parents (e.g. if I was taken to the doctor I would try and guess what the 'right' answer was to the doctor's questions rather than actually describing my symptoms), and I think the correlation probably went the other way: I think I just happened to have an easy temperament when I was little but I got so much praise for being 'so good' that I became excessively fearful of being 'not good'.

This is how my non-tantrumming DD is, I worry about her too. Whereas DS can, and still does, rage with the best of them. At least he's grown out of the headbutting phase...

I've got a DM similar to OP's.
DS has autism which explains why the toddler years were such bloody rough going. He still struggles with emotional and sensory regulation, and unfortunately visits to her tend to exceed his coping capacity (animal smells, blaring clash of radios/ TV as her hearing is poor, children should be seen and not heard, sit nicely...)
I'm also crap for not having a 7pm bedtime for a child developmentally disposed to being more nocturnal.
Her attitude to his behaviour needs/ my parenting have definitely impacted our relationship.

Mine didn't, but that's down to personality, not "discipline."

Never once did that screeching thing some do, never threw themselves on a floor. They were very verbal at an early age which probably helped. They just asked for whatever they needed.

@Elune

Is there a middle option? Not all toddlers have tantrums but the ones that do don't have to be ill-disciplined. It's a normal part of toddlerhood, but not every toddler will have them and it's generally unrelated to whether they are well disciplined (in so far as you can discipline a toddler in the first place) or well parented.

This

I voted YABU, because not all toddlers tantrum.

I completely disagree with your assertion as to why though.

It is very normal but also what counts as a tantrum can really vary from a bit of whinging to full on leg kicking and screaming on the floor.

I would say though that sometimes parents miss the signs or create the conditions that mean a child loses control. Mine are much grumpier if tired or hungry.

What I noticed with my eldest was that as a 2yo she didn’t really tantrum that much but had one awful one where she’d just got a bit overwhelmed and ended up kicking and screaming on the floor in a supermarket. I had put her in the situation where she was just overtired and a bit hungry (she had a toddler ballet class a 11 on a Friday after a busy week). It was just too much for her when I then tried to go supermarket shopping afterwards. So in that circumstance I actually agree with your mother. It was my choices that led to her being overwhelmed. She’s now older and has the self awareness to know if she’s getting cranky she’s probably tired.

@Elune

Is there a middle option? Not all toddlers have tantrums but the ones that do don't have to be ill-disciplined. It's a normal part of toddlerhood, but not every toddler will have them and it's generally unrelated to whether they are well disciplined (in so far as you can discipline a toddler in the first place) or well parented.

This.

None of my three ever had full-on tantrums - in general I think I did a good job in pre-empting and avoiding difficult situations, but I certainly wouldn't go as far as saying that their relatively easy toddlerhoods were all down to my superior parenting, or conversely that difficult toddler behaviour is always a direct result of poor discipline.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Neither....

Some children are more tantrum prone. Between age 2 & 3 especially it's not really down to ill-discipline.

However as they get past about 3 I would expect full blown tantrums to be reducing, by then a child should be learning that they aren't very effective.

Then they return again in the teenage years 😂😂. That round is down to hormones; I knew I was digging my own grave but I couldn’t help it 😂

I don’t know whether there is a formal definition of a tantrum and it’s probably all subjective. A child refusing to walk anymore and making audible huff noises may be having a tantrum to some people and not to others.
My mum said I never had any tantrums and that includes mild challenging boundaries behaviour like the above. I must have been a very dull child tbh! Consequently when my own kids are kids it’s a reflection on my parenting.

Ah…so OP’s mum basically used physical, verbal and maybe emotional abuse to prevent OP and her sibling from demonstrating developmentally normal behaviours and subsequently fails to take responsibility for not providing them with a safe and supportive environment in which to develop their emotional tool box, augmented with criticising those who adopt different methods as she probably lacks the self-confidence to not take “different” as criticism.

OP…sack her off. She can either not mention her thoughts on your or other’s parenting or she doesn’t get to see you. Don’t put up with twattery just because it comes from a relative.

Most do, some don’t due to personality. Both of mine did/do but I have a friend with a very chill 4 year old who never did, whilst mine would be screaming blue murder in the middle of a coffee shop! I know friends dc never did as we have talked a lot about it. Her younger one does though!

@AngeloMysterioso

Your MIL sounds nice

Not my MIL but sadly my own mother, who thinks nothing of openly criticising my parenting of my 20 month old son (and everyone else’s parenting of their children).

If my MIL thought as much she certainly wouldn’t dream of saying so!

Are you me?! I try calmly explaining to my DM that tantrums are a normal and healthy part of development. She doesn't get it. We're going on holiday with them next week so that will be fun...

Surely a tantrum is just them being overwhelmed by their feelings? Usually disappointment at being thwarted. Some kids feel things more strongly. Mine does God she does.
Sometimes as parents we have to be unpopular and say no and it’s how you deal with the tantrum that counts

I had one that did and one that didn’t - it was down to personality

I think tantrumming in toddlers must be to do with inability to regulate emotions plus often a feeling of being out of control of what happens in your life.

My son (22 months) had a huge tantrum when I took him out of a local fair yesterday after only one ride. Screaming, hitting, the whole gig. I could have maybe managed that better by preparing him and saying “one more ride” and then just leaving, rather than making it abrupt and not even trying to explain to him why was going to happen.

Or maybe, at 22 months, all that would have made fuck all difference.