Straw poll- do all toddlers have tantrums?

[AngeloMysterioso]

YANBU- yes, all toddlers have tantrums, it’s just part of toddler-hood.

YABU, no, not all toddlers have tantrums, only the ill-disciplined ones.

@shivawn

I also didn't vote due to lack of reasonable options. I was going to vote YABU until I saw that you had tacked 'only the ill-disciplined ones' at the end, what a sad stance.

To reiterate- it is not my stance, but very much is my mother’s, who is of the opinion that toddlers who tantrum must be spoilt/poorly disciplined/badly parented.

I guess the YANBU option should have been “it’s normal for toddlers to have tantrums”

Genuinely was not trying to be goady.

Argh. I voted YABU, because I clicked having read only the first bit, and there isn't a way of undoing the vote.

As so many others have said, neither of the voting options are right.
I have 3 dc. dc1 - king of the tantrums for about 7 years. dc2 - never bothered. I can't recall a single tantrum dc3 - probably a more 'usual' one of having tantrums sometimes but nothing like dc1.

You must know that your statement about ill-disciplined is just ridiculous.

Your MIL sounds nice

Not my MIL but sadly my own mother, who thinks nothing of openly criticising my parenting of my 20 month old son (and everyone else’s parenting of their children).

If my MIL thought as much she certainly wouldn’t dream of saying so!

TO CLARIFY FOR THOSE IGNORING MY FURTHER POSTS. IT IS NOT ME WHO THINKS TANTRUMS ARE A SIGN OF POOR DISCIPLINE OR BADLY BEHAVED/SPOILT CHILDREN. IT IS MY MOTHER

And yes, I know that makes her a judgmental dick. How I wish it weren’t so.

"Of course all toddlers have tantrums"

Some don't but personally I would keep an eye on a child who is very placid because this can cause problems for them as they get older.

Some do, some don't. My eldest had one once. That's it. Memorable because it was the only tantrum ... and it was in Tesco! Youngest had a tantrum from time to time, but nothing major. He's 8 now and still has the odd one!

Most do as it's usually seen as normal develoment phase.

However I did know one who didn't her parents both worked in education related fields and commented on it they used to joke that their next child would be a demon - there was a huge difference in temperament between their children that despite them expecting they did struggle with.

So it's possible you and any siblings you have were the rare none tantruming children or it's rose tinted glasses with your mother.

Middle option - my eldest never had tantrums but my middle daughter has had a few massive ones. I've parented them the same - maybe better for DD2 as I was more precious with DD1. Theres lots of reasons for tantrums and rarely means shit parenting

DS had one tantrum as a small child. I laughed so much as it was so out of character. He was incredibly laid back as a small child and very cheerful. That was just his nature. My eldest niece was always throwing a tantrum.

Dts didn't tantrum at all. Ever. Fuck me they made up for it around age 6.

So it's possible you and any siblings you have were the rare none tantruming children or it's rose tinted glasses with your mother.

A bit of both I expect- she was alllllllll about the discipline and “tough love” - smacking etc. I can imagine my DB and I both had very sore bums/backs of hands if we ever dared to have a tantrum, even as toddlers.

She also steadfastly refuses to recognise or acknowledge her own shortcomings as a parent and the consequences thereof! Being her daughter is such fun.

I have 3 DC, two of them never had a tantrum as a toddler. One has had tantrums as an older child, the other has never had a tantrum that I can think of. They are exceptionally placid and laid back all the time though. My third child had toddler tantrums. And tween tantrums. And now teen tantrums! Just different personalities, nothing to do with parenting.
Although handling a tantrum can be done well or badly, that's where the parenting comes in.

I have 3dc and dc2 he never ever had a single toddler tantrum. I didn't do anything different to the other two he just didn't have any dramatics in him. Now, as a pre-teen, he's the one I worry about the most because the others can have a good old noisy whinge, clear the air and move on with their day but ds2 can quietly ruminate over the unfairness of life for days on end.

My eldest never did (despite being pretty strong willed), my youngest I suspect will be very different…

Nothing to do with discipline, toddler tantrums are normal (but not universal).

Mine never did but I think I was just lucky.

I think MOST do, but to different degrees and some really don’t at all.

I got DC1 - epic tantrummer - and DC2 - didn’t have tantrums as a young child ever (seriously, never) but boy, am I getting my payback now she’s a teenager!

Depends how you define a tantrum. I don't think that there's anyone who can genuinely say that their toddler has not got upset or cross when told they can't have something, or they've been stopped from doing something. It's a normal stage of development while they're not able to express their feelings verbally.

If you mean all kicking and screaming on the floor, then my 2 year old is the master of it. I've got 4 other children and have never had a child do that to the same extent. I most certainly haven't disciplined them any differently. All kids are different.

I think there's variation, but it doesn't have anything to do with parental discipline. Our discipline methods were the same with all our children but DD certainly had much worse tantrums than her brothers. They've all grown up absolutely fine.

My eldest had one, we looked at him, he looked back and we therefore all decided it wasn't worth the effort. He's still very calm and rarely ever lost his temper all through childhood.

No2 son was the opposite, he lived life in the highest of highs and lowest of lows. We called him the tantrum King (not to his face), he railed against everything until he was about 10 then became a chilled teen and adult.

Personality I think rather than parenting style particularly, but I think some styles suit some children better.

So neither of OPs options, I think regardless of how you deal with it, some children tantrum more than others but in most cases it's perfectly normal and I'd say in retrospect, maybe even desirable to a point.

There are tantrums and tantrums too. My toddler gets upset if he can’t have what he wants and he stamps his feet, cries, says NO loudly, refuses to do anything else and goes on and on and on. But he doesn’t throw himself to the floor, scream and wail, thrash about, sulk or hit out. That’s largely personality not parenting I think - he’s usually very laid back and cheery and “resets” to that quite quickly after a tantrum but he’s fairly stubborn and remembers everything (so will throw a wobbly if we said “ice cream later” and he decides it’s now later and there’s no ice cream).

Neither....

Some children are more tantrum prone. Between age 2 & 3 especially it's not really down to ill-discipline.

However as they get past about 3 I would expect full blown tantrums to be reducing, by then a child should be learning that they aren't very effective.

My younger son was the bang his head on the ground if you even thought about walking in a different direction type. Funnily enough he became a great stickler for rules and deviation from those was what made him worse. He wanted to be a judge before he was 3 as when DH had told him what he had to do was the law, he wanted to know who made the laws, DH replied that it was judges as he didn't fancy a long description about parliament and the Lords and the Queen.

Several years later and watching the x factor, he blurted out that did we seriously mean that Simon Cowell was making the laws in this country? 😂😂😂

Honestly, before I had children, if I'd seen a mum carrying a screaming, protesting toddler down the street then I'd have assumed the parenting had something to do with it. Turns out that I am now the mum with the screaming toddler and there is absolutely nothing I can do when he goes off. He's just a very emotional and strong willed child.

This ^^

I was THAT judgy person who used to say "God, if my child ever acted like that Id...."
And now, of course, I have THAT child! (maybe two of them!) who tantrums over everything, challenging behaviour, uses her fists far too frequently etc. I used to think that the way I parented would nip anything like this in the bud, but actually maybe I caused it. Or maybe she is just a strong-willed, emotional child. I definitely think it's a bit of both.

Apparently I didn’t have any tantrums as a toddler but I was a very timid child who was frequently smacked for very minor things. My sons (2 and 4) have tantrums. 4 year old much less now I can reason with him. But both are overall happy, secure and confident. I’d much prefer a few tantrums from a child that is comfortable enough to let their emotions out than a well behaved child who’ is too scared to tantrum.

Not saying all children who don’t tantrum are scared of their parents before anyone jumps on me for that but my mum also makes comments about ‘lack of discipline’ in my children and it’s not, it’s just lack of punishment for expressing normal emotions.