AIBU Buying ex out

[Charlotte7706]

I'm in the process of buying my ex out of our mortgage & want to ensure I'm not being unreasonable.

House valued: £250k
Remaining mortgage: £173920.77
Net property value: £76,079.23
His share of Deed of Trust: £13,000
My share of Deed of trust: £66,000
Remaining value in property:
-£2920.77
Early repayment/exit fee:£6210.75
Remaining value in property:
-£9,131.52 (loss)

My solicitor friend advised we should split the loss.

However, I've offered to still pay him his original £13k & let him take the expensive TV system in light of me keeping the rest of the furniture.

The only furniture of significant value (bar the TV system I'm giving him) is some garden furniture which cost £2800 & a grill hut that cost £2700 (which he bought with money received from the sale of his car). He's back living with his parents so it's easier for me to retain furniture.

I'm (my family) are buying out the mortgage, paying off the remaining value owed on a further advance (£6k), paying the £6k early exit fee & the solicitors fees (currently unknown).

We both earned similarly & put money into the savings account (which has £44k but we owe £50k on the further advance which needs to be repaid).

However, he got bonuses (£200 extra than me a month here & there) so he might've put more in monthly than me.

On the other hand, I put in £33k to renovate the house when we first moved in, September 2017. I also put £5000 in from my grandmother last year.

He left me (out of the blue, after 7 happy years) to deal with a half renovated house, all the responsibility of canceling the wedding he wanted, sorting all this legal house/mortgage stuff, medical problems & our bills on my own ...but seems to feel he is the victim, as though I somehow orchestrated his leaving me so I could take the house from him. The house I put the majority of the capital into.

In all honesty, I strongly suspect he's had a breakdown as he's behaving completely out of character (but you can't help those who won't help themselves). He was struggling at work, quit his job but went back (against my advice), he then started drinking more & had begun shouting & smashing things up round the house in tantrums whilst at work (we were both working from home). I did my best to support him & he was always so clear about how much he loved me & our life....however, he has now decided after a bad week that the problem is that he doesn't love me. Given how he's acted, I'm inclined to believe him; the kind stable man I loved is gone & I'm happy to see the back of this one.

I have no concerns that I did anything to deserve this, as I was incredibly good to him (too good by all accounts, which has been nice to hear) but it's still hurtful to be treated this way. I'm just anxious that my hurt hasn't impacted my ability to be fair, as I want to keep my dignity.

I'm trying to get the fairest deal for him, whilst also ensuring I don't lose my home because he wants an unrealistic return on investment (he feels he should get a profit over £20k, even though the house doesn't have any profit).

Sorry for the long winded question & probably unnecessary details but does my suggestion about the £13k & TV sound unreasonable? I gather if we followed the legal route, he'd have to absorb half the £9,131.52 loss & pay solicitor fees, so he would likely come out even worse off.

I really don't want my hurt to make me a bad person.

Thank you

Normally I'd sit and work out the numbers for you... but I'm watching the football....

But you (And your family) should not simply be paying for everything just to keep the house.

Forget the TV, BBC etc concentrate on the value of the property and the outstanding loans on it. Workout what - if any - equity is left and split it.

He wants out of the mortgage so he needs to pay or at least contribute to the early release fee. Can you not just get his name taken off it or does that not work for you?

Thank you! Sorry about the result, it was painful to watch!

I spoke to our mortgage lenders & I need to remortgage in my name AND put down a £70k deposit, as I couldn't have him removed. I'm a bit baffled by his expectation that he should somehow be making a profit from me AND have the fees covered. I just want to ensure I'm not ripping him off because it'd be embarrassing if it escalated & I looked like I was being unreasonable.

I think he should pay half the fees, you mention 38k that you’ve put into renovations as well. That’s a substantial amount, is it being factored in?

It depends entirely on what your deed says. As you put in more I would expect it to protect your share or at the very least provide appropriate percentages. Either way, the loss on the mortgage (plus costs of sale, usually @2%) would be shared between you. So yes your offer is more than fair and if he doesn't take it, you'll be going to court and claiming your costs 😊

Thank you so much, it says we'd split the remaining property value 50/50, so I assume that'd include splitting the loss (though, I'm happy to not factor that in....I think in the long run, he's lost enough from walking out; he's lost a brilliant partner, an easy life & is now back living with his parents)

Thanks, I've not sought to reclaim anything over the £66k on the Deed, as I feel by keeping the house & furniture, in the long term, I'll get my money back (if I ever sell). TBH I just want him out of my life as quickly as possible, the person he's become isn't someone I want any ties to.

Give him the figures - and ask him how he thinks he should get £20k?

Is your deed of trust a fixed figure or a percentage of the house value at the time.of purchase? Depending on how much things have changed since then that might be making a difference.

Stop feeling sorry for him - he made his choice. You now have to do what is best for you!

How long have you had the house and how much did you pay for it? I'm assuming not long and very similar to what it's worth now?

Or is he being a complete nitwit and assuming that an estate agent valuation of £20k more than your paid for it means a £20k profit for him?

YANBU your being more than fair with what your offering him he’s the one who chose to walk away he can’t act the victim when all this is down to him tell him to either stop being a dick suck it up and take the offer or you will take him to court and he will walk away with a lot less. So sorry your going through all this OP. Good luck with it all certainly sounds like you’ve had a very lucky escape and thankfully you didn’t marry him so cutting ties with him is going to be easier than if you where married. You don’t mention any children in your OP so I’m assuming there are no kids to consider in all this apart from the man child ex.

Thanks, the Deed of Trust has the fixed figures (so I get the £66k I put in & he gets the £13k he put in) then it says any net balance then due will be shared between us. However, the net balance is negative.

To be honest, he's being a nitwit, we bought in 2017 for £216k & it's valued at £250k now; he thinks because the house value increased, we'll get a profit. He genuinely doesn't understand & appears to be getting bad advice from friends, so now thinks he's being ripped off, no matter how much I try to simplify it for him 🤦🏼‍♀️

Be thankful you did not marry him. Your offer is more than generous. He sounds simple tbh if he can't understand the figures you have set out. Is he disputing the figures? Does he not agree with the Valuation? Does he realise their is a penalty on the mortgage? Is he usually this dopey? Is he talking any medication that dims his wits? If he refuses your offer you will have to go to court then their will be legal fees too. I hope you can settle this quickly and move onwards.

@Charlotte7706

Thank you so much, it says we'd split the remaining property value 50/50, so I assume that'd include splitting the loss (though, I'm happy to not factor that in....I think in the long run, he's lost enough from walking out; he's lost a brilliant partner, an easy life & is now back living with his parents)

"I think in the long run, he's lost enough from walking out; he's lost a brilliant partner"

You're my new hero.

If I were proposing something I would firstly work out the asset value which is the £76079 less the early repayment of £6210 = £69869.

You don’t have enough to repay both protected amounts, so I would prorate it which would mean he gets about £11500, hence he is absorbing some of the property loss. My only caveat is that you both agree on the valuation which all this hangs off, if the £250 is understated then he is being short changed.

I would deal with split of furniture separately, but you keeping most furniture whilst he keeps the TV system sounds like a good starting proposal as presume he has no immediate need for the furnitur.

*£250k

If @ Aprilx means pro rating based on their protected amounts, I don't think this makes any sense given that it would have the result that the person who has the largest protected amount bears more of the loss. I'd split the loss equally. I agree with your solicitor about that. But really who cares if you are fair? His welfare is no longer your concern and your priority should be retaining your house. He has behaved appallingly and you put the majority of the money into that property given £66,000 was protected and you seem to have put in extra inheritances of £38,000. Given that the protected amounts of £79,000 are greater than the equity even with a price rise, did you increase the mortgage or what? I think that is what he finds confusing - how you own less of the house despite the price rise. By the way there is a lot of daylight between your expectations and his - don't cave early. Maybe keep giving him the £13,000 and keeping the furniture could be a fallback position for you so he feels he has managed to get a concession out of you.

Dont let "keeping your dignity" cost you thousands. Youve sought legal advice amd put am offer on the table. His family aren't legal advice. Get him to come up with a professional counter offer

@RealBecca

Dont let "keeping your dignity" cost you thousands. Youve sought legal advice amd put am offer on the table. His family aren't legal advice. Get him to come up with a professional counter offer

This.

Do not allow him to cost you money he isn't entitled to.

Thank you so much! No children, I thought there was going to be a child involved at one point, which was scary but it's just me and 4 cats (& having seen this behaviour from him I count myself lucky, as he's shown himself to be a coward when it counts). Thank you for your support ♥️

Thank you, yes, we got a further advance to extend & repair the house, which is why we've got more to pay back. I was worried I onky felt he was behaving appallingly because he'd hurt me, so I feel bolstered that it doesn't appear to be the case

Thank you ♥️

Thank you, that's so kind ♥️

Self medicating with weed & cider, so he probably is suppressing his smarts. It's been incredibly painful to watch someone I loved & was so proud of throw his life away & become someone I'm ashamed of. However, everyone's kind support had really made me feel better, so thank you

This must be heartbreaking but it sounds like you are pretty switched on and have good family support so I’m sure you will be able to make a fantastic new life for yourself (and the cats)
Just don’t let him come back when he wakes up and realises what he threw away

Maybe your ex can get the idea that the house went up in value but there were significant amounts spent on it which were borrowed and have to be paid back. You have £6,000 of the advance to pay back, plus the early break fee of £6,000 and from the figures it would seem that your "main mortgage" has also risen. So the rise in price was funded by borrowed money - in fact you got a very poor return given the money spent on the place. There was at least the £50,000 advance spent on it as well as your inheritances of £38,000 but the rise in value was only £34,000. I'd be a bit careful about overcapitalising in the future. By the way, far too many women who are taught to "play nice" and "keep their dignity" seem to be content to take less than their due and that has far-reaching consequences through their lives, it affects their lifestyle and whether they are comfortable or scrimping and when they can afford to retire and what sort of retirement they can have.

Hi, sorry you are going through this. I think you are bending over backwards to be fair, possibly even to your own detriment.

I agree with PP that you should not set out everything you are prepared to give, in your first proposal. One thing I have seen over and over is that one partner makes a sensible suggestion for a split, the other makes outrageous requests so that the negotiation is then conducted between the sensible and the outrageous offers, which is absolutely not fair.

Keep some 'jam' back in your initial proposal so that you can offer that in order to close the negotiation. Your backstop would be taking it to court where he will get a lot less than you are offering.

All the best.