AIBU Buying ex out

[Charlotte7706]

I'm in the process of buying my ex out of our mortgage & want to ensure I'm not being unreasonable.

House valued: £250k
Remaining mortgage: £173920.77
Net property value: £76,079.23
His share of Deed of Trust: £13,000
My share of Deed of trust: £66,000
Remaining value in property:
-£2920.77
Early repayment/exit fee:£6210.75
Remaining value in property:
-£9,131.52 (loss)

My solicitor friend advised we should split the loss.

However, I've offered to still pay him his original £13k & let him take the expensive TV system in light of me keeping the rest of the furniture.

The only furniture of significant value (bar the TV system I'm giving him) is some garden furniture which cost £2800 & a grill hut that cost £2700 (which he bought with money received from the sale of his car). He's back living with his parents so it's easier for me to retain furniture.

I'm (my family) are buying out the mortgage, paying off the remaining value owed on a further advance (£6k), paying the £6k early exit fee & the solicitors fees (currently unknown).

We both earned similarly & put money into the savings account (which has £44k but we owe £50k on the further advance which needs to be repaid).

However, he got bonuses (£200 extra than me a month here & there) so he might've put more in monthly than me.

On the other hand, I put in £33k to renovate the house when we first moved in, September 2017. I also put £5000 in from my grandmother last year.

He left me (out of the blue, after 7 happy years) to deal with a half renovated house, all the responsibility of canceling the wedding he wanted, sorting all this legal house/mortgage stuff, medical problems & our bills on my own ...but seems to feel he is the victim, as though I somehow orchestrated his leaving me so I could take the house from him. The house I put the majority of the capital into.

In all honesty, I strongly suspect he's had a breakdown as he's behaving completely out of character (but you can't help those who won't help themselves). He was struggling at work, quit his job but went back (against my advice), he then started drinking more & had begun shouting & smashing things up round the house in tantrums whilst at work (we were both working from home). I did my best to support him & he was always so clear about how much he loved me & our life....however, he has now decided after a bad week that the problem is that he doesn't love me. Given how he's acted, I'm inclined to believe him; the kind stable man I loved is gone & I'm happy to see the back of this one.

I have no concerns that I did anything to deserve this, as I was incredibly good to him (too good by all accounts, which has been nice to hear) but it's still hurtful to be treated this way. I'm just anxious that my hurt hasn't impacted my ability to be fair, as I want to keep my dignity.

I'm trying to get the fairest deal for him, whilst also ensuring I don't lose my home because he wants an unrealistic return on investment (he feels he should get a profit over £20k, even though the house doesn't have any profit).

Sorry for the long winded question & probably unnecessary details but does my suggestion about the £13k & TV sound unreasonable? I gather if we followed the legal route, he'd have to absorb half the £9,131.52 loss & pay solicitor fees, so he would likely come out even worse off.

I really don't want my hurt to make me a bad person.

Thank you

How have you made such a humongous loss on the property in a rising market?!?! How much did you buy it for and when?

Either you massively overpaid initially or the valuation is massively underinflated

Tbh in his shoes I wouldn't agree to a sale. One or other of you needs to hold onto the house and pay rent on the others share.

Or you need to sell to an independent 3rd party

Also check your deed of trust usually mortgage+fees gets paid before deed of trust

I guarantee you he will feel hard done by and be telling people that you swindled him of you give him £0, £10,000 or £100,000.

The absolute best thing is to get it sorted legally and give him/get him to pay the legal amount due.

You will be MUCH better off giving a solicitor a few thousand to sort it all properly than leaving the door open to accusations and repercussions further down the line.

Get a solicitor to work out the figures and resolve it that way, you won't just be better off financially, but you'll be mentally better off too as he can't argue that he was short-changed if the legal system (rather than you) decides how much he gets/pays.

Yes, I guess I should count myself lucky that I'm in the financial position to be able to offer to "play nice". The house is half renovated, with no ceiling & half dismantled coloured bathrooms, so the notion we'd make a profit on it (after only 3+ years) never crossed my mind. It's funny how things are blessings in disguise, as we had a few setbacks (pipe burst, the ceiling fell in & they found asbestos), which meant we had to delay finishing the renovations...if we'd finished the work, based on house prices on our street, we would be in profit & I'd have more of a struggle to buy him out. Thanks for your input as I do need to hear that I'm too sift sometimes (as I often feel like I'm being too harsh)

Something doesn’t add up or im missing something

House was bought for 217, you put 66 in, he put 13 in. So mortgage roughly 138?

It’s now worth 250 with mortgage of 174 ish?

You invested another 33 in renovations, not added to the mortgage?

I can understand on the face of it him thinking it’s gone up so there should be a profit? What am I missing?

When does the early repayment charge end?

Ah just seen you did extend mortgage 50k. And you spent 33k so 83k spent on renovations and value only went up 35k odd? Yeah so no profit there

Hi, all those details are in my very long winded question (sorry🙈). The valuation is lower (under-inflated?) because we are half way through renovations (we have coloured bathrooms that need swapping out). He wants to sell but doesn't understand he'd get knowhere near the £13k I offering selling in the properties current condition.

The early repayment charge ends in 4 years, as we'd only recently got the mortgage advance (to extend the house & finish up the bathrooms)

You're right, I should really just let the solicitors deal with it. I'm being a bit soft on him, as I think he'll get a worse deal if we go that route....however, I suppose he's not been worried about my financial wellbeing, so I need to cut the apron strings. Thank you

He left you, why should you be out of pocket for his choice to leave.

To me it’s very clear, he gets the 13k plus half of the profit, there is no profit so he gets half the loss, so he’s responsible for -£4,565.76
I would ask him I if he intends to pay you the money for the fees before or after everything is signed, if he pays before he gets £13k.
If not you will deduct it from the 13k, so he will receive £8,434.24.

If he isn’t happy with that you can go to court as that is what he is entitled to as per the deed of trust and the law.

The furniture split should be separate, he wants the tv which is of similar values to the total of everything else. You are happy with that.

Make sure you get everything drawn up legally and he agrees and signs (especially for the furniture)

Don’t let him rip you off just because you want to be free of him quickly.

Everything should be split 50/50 after the deed of trust has been honoured, that also means any debt get split 50/50. Do it all via a solicitor.

As for belongings in the house. Give him the option of taking the tv and leaving everything else as household goods are worth peanuts if sold on

I got to be honest either both of you have been incredibly stupid financially or something isnt adding up.

£85k in renovations, which arent finished. So you should have the money to finish them off. I'd finished them off before selling. If you haven't got that money where has it gone. The bank wouldn't be extending the mortgage if the house value couldn't take it.

I dont think either of you are getting a good deal. I must admit I'm wondering if you've deflated the value in the full knowledge that when you finish the renovations there will be significant profit.

I think it's really hard anyone saying if what you are offering is fair when we really have very limited information

YANBU

I had a similar situation in that we’d bought in 2007, he then cheated on my a year later and the housing market had crashed.

I put forward a fair solution where we split the losses and I bought him out to avoid the early redemption fee (£10k) as the bank had said they would transfer the mortgage to my name only. ExP argued that I would have the benefit of any future gains on the house if/when the market recovered and I should pay the whole negative equity. ExP didn’t earn enough to support the mortgage on his own.

In the end I had to set out 2 options;

1. I bought the house and we split the losses
2. We sold the house to a third party (I also said I would move out immediately which would have meant he would have been liable for council tax, insurance, etc. as I had been paying all bills myself since he moved out) Which would have cost more.

Eventually he saw sense and agreed to sell the house to me, by which time my agreement in principle from the bank had fallen through and we had to wait longer to get the house revalued.

But it took me setting out my position and calculations in black and white via a solicitor to get him to make a decision

Thank you, yes, that makes a lot of sense. I think I need to rediscover my backbone

I think you may not be understanding the figures set out, rather than that they don't add up; I don't mean to sound rude but I had an accountant & solicitor look over them & they've not raised any concerns. However, it's good to have input from someone who has a similar suspicious perspective to him. I had the house valued by Purple Bricks & our lenders (Halifax), so that's not something I could control. Sadly, the simple fact is, we hadn't had the property long enough to profit. As I'll be using my money to pay back as much of our mortgage as possible, there won't be money to finish the work for quite some time. Of course I'll finish it off eventually but the value added would come from me (as did most of the capital)

I'm sorry about your split but I othink I might set out a settlement proposal slightly differently.

Costs of Acquiring and modernising property ie: Purchase Price plus legal fees, stamp duty, surveyors costs. (Assuming they're not included in £216k)
Costs of Renovations to date.

Funded by:
Mortgage on Acquistion
Advance for Renovations
Deposit- presumably £79k deed of trust.

Mortgage Settlement account Summary
Mortgage Advance on Purchase
Additional borrowing
Interest
Settlement fees
Less Mortgage Repayments.

The valuation takes into account that you have a partially renovated house. If you show the costs on the purchase and renovations to date it highlights the reason why you're offering to settle for £13k. (You can include your £5k from your grandma.) Your ex is looking at a potential £34k increase in valuation without accounting for the costs in achieving that valuation.

I think that's the best course of action for me. I ideally didn't want a solicitor adding to any more of the debt, however, it wouldn't do me as much financial harm as him to follow that route. I suppose I'm being too soft because I think he's got a mental health problem but it's actually not helping anyone; as he doesn't appreciate it, so I'm getting it in the neck for trying to be kind. I think at this stage, it's better to pay a solicitor to take the aggro & deliver the bad news for me from now on. Especially as he's started fixating on money (ironically when on paper he'd surely look like the gold digger)

Thank you. I think I better just put the bare legal minimum on the table then & work up from there. Maybe then he'd be happier with the £13k pay out & £10k+ (& counting) absorption of his share of the fees & losses. Will definitely do that via the solicitor Halifax appoint though, as I'm tired of having to juggle everything myself. Thanks for your advice

Ah brilliant, thank you so much for that template! Hopefully it will make things a bit clearer

I agree with everyone else, go 50:50 on everything including all fees.
If you want to keep some of the furniture, remember it’s second hand and won’t make a lot of money if you sold it so you don’t need to overpay.

I had to get my own solicitor when my exDH bought me out of our house so he needs to check if you can use the same solicitor. I think my fees were based on amount of equity, so not sure how it works with a loss.

I went through a similar thing. my ex and I had an amazing life together but he started blaming me for how numb he felt. lads aren't very self reflective. he thought I was the problem and abruptly ended our life together (he now regrets not giving it more time). when I was gone he was still unhappy. he got with his "dream woman" but he was still unhappy.

People like them look for someone else to make them happy or to blame instead of working on their issues.

the reality was, without me he had to settle for a lot less. to this day he's never stayed happy in new relationships long once the initial excitements worn off. he regularly tries to come back to me but the way he acted in our time apart meant I could never take him back.

sorry to jump on your post with my life story! i just wanted to say you're not alone and there's light at the end of the tunnel. given how lovely you're being in this situation, your ex will be hard pressed to find anyone better

On the money thing, you sound like you're actually being unfair on yourself. give yourself a break x

@icedteacake

Good for you for not accepting his behaviour and second thoughts.

Years ago my friends sister was engaged to marry and very close to marrying, only months to go and her fiance had a fling with a colleague and was spotted in another city in a truly freak accident.

She was absolutely devastated and everything was called off.
He blamed it on her and the wedding and the fuss, taking zero responsibility.

Her company were very kind and asked her would she take a 6 month secondment to another very busy office.

She literally upped and left over a weekend, desperate to get away from the drama and pity.

She ended up staying over there, being promoted, meeting a great man and marrying.

Her ex contacted her multiple times to ask her to come back and resume their relationship as he had got it out of his system apparently!

His mother NEVER got over it and for years when ever her mother would run into her the poor woman would be upset at the loss of her "DIL".

He married and divorced twice and has had multiple relationships still in late 50's having never settled.

She knows she dodged such a bullet.

Aw thank you so much. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. It's blooming hard. Sadly, for him, I think you're right; he won't be happy with anyone long term as the problem is in him. It's sad, as I know him well enough to know he'll live to regret not taking more time but I've no control over it, as only he could ask for that & he's not. Ironically, by the time men realise their mistakes & try to rectify them, the women have often moved on.

I'm just focusing on the things I can control & trying not to feel too sorry for his loss 😂