AIBU Buying ex out

[Charlotte7706]

I'm in the process of buying my ex out of our mortgage & want to ensure I'm not being unreasonable.

House valued: £250k
Remaining mortgage: £173920.77
Net property value: £76,079.23
His share of Deed of Trust: £13,000
My share of Deed of trust: £66,000
Remaining value in property:
-£2920.77
Early repayment/exit fee:£6210.75
Remaining value in property:
-£9,131.52 (loss)

My solicitor friend advised we should split the loss.

However, I've offered to still pay him his original £13k & let him take the expensive TV system in light of me keeping the rest of the furniture.

The only furniture of significant value (bar the TV system I'm giving him) is some garden furniture which cost £2800 & a grill hut that cost £2700 (which he bought with money received from the sale of his car). He's back living with his parents so it's easier for me to retain furniture.

I'm (my family) are buying out the mortgage, paying off the remaining value owed on a further advance (£6k), paying the £6k early exit fee & the solicitors fees (currently unknown).

We both earned similarly & put money into the savings account (which has £44k but we owe £50k on the further advance which needs to be repaid).

However, he got bonuses (£200 extra than me a month here & there) so he might've put more in monthly than me.

On the other hand, I put in £33k to renovate the house when we first moved in, September 2017. I also put £5000 in from my grandmother last year.

He left me (out of the blue, after 7 happy years) to deal with a half renovated house, all the responsibility of canceling the wedding he wanted, sorting all this legal house/mortgage stuff, medical problems & our bills on my own ...but seems to feel he is the victim, as though I somehow orchestrated his leaving me so I could take the house from him. The house I put the majority of the capital into.

In all honesty, I strongly suspect he's had a breakdown as he's behaving completely out of character (but you can't help those who won't help themselves). He was struggling at work, quit his job but went back (against my advice), he then started drinking more & had begun shouting & smashing things up round the house in tantrums whilst at work (we were both working from home). I did my best to support him & he was always so clear about how much he loved me & our life....however, he has now decided after a bad week that the problem is that he doesn't love me. Given how he's acted, I'm inclined to believe him; the kind stable man I loved is gone & I'm happy to see the back of this one.

I have no concerns that I did anything to deserve this, as I was incredibly good to him (too good by all accounts, which has been nice to hear) but it's still hurtful to be treated this way. I'm just anxious that my hurt hasn't impacted my ability to be fair, as I want to keep my dignity.

I'm trying to get the fairest deal for him, whilst also ensuring I don't lose my home because he wants an unrealistic return on investment (he feels he should get a profit over £20k, even though the house doesn't have any profit).

Sorry for the long winded question & probably unnecessary details but does my suggestion about the £13k & TV sound unreasonable? I gather if we followed the legal route, he'd have to absorb half the £9,131.52 loss & pay solicitor fees, so he would likely come out even worse off.

I really don't want my hurt to make me a bad person.

Thank you

@billy1966

what an idiot he sounds! the rubbish really does take itself out. Hard times reveal people's true characters. I'd have been inclined to take my ex back had he conducted himself better when we separated but he proved to me (and everyone else) he wasn't worth my time.

I know a couple who had a very public disengagement years ago. similar thing in that he walked out after getting cold feet. he stayed alone to think about what he'd given up. she had him out the house rapid speed. he eventually came to her with a heartfelt apology and they've been happily together another 5 years and counting. he took a bit to say anything as he was worried about what people would think but actually everyone was very pleased for them when they officially resumed their relationship. demonstrates how important it is to behave respectfully after you've hurt someone.

@Charlotte7706 apologies for taking over your thread

@icedteacake
Absolutely.

Sometimes people need a break and can resume IF the break is respectful.

I must admit any hint of indecision is best dealt with taking the choice out of their hands completely.

That tends to focus minds quickly.

Tolerating someone trying to decide on YOUR time if they wantbto be with you, must be self respect decimating.
Not a good idea.

OP,
You sound very clued in.
Let him off, his loss, and move on.

A family member has been in a very similar position for very similar reasons, though financially less complicated.. Because they took out a new mortgage with the Halifax, redemption fees only had to be repaid on the difference between that and the original mortgage e.g joint mortgage for 200k, new mortgage 100k, redemption fee payable on 100k. ( and the person leaving was the one to pay it!).

Thank you! I really do view it that way. He's lost a lot more in me than I have with him. I've had a terrible few days with a health scare (hopefully my final setback of 2021) & it occurred to me how I've not needed him at all!

Thank you! He's sought solicitors advice so hopefully they'll set him straight (assuming he provides the relevant information). I'm not fussed at all about the money, I just want to move on with my life

Your offer is more than generous. Put a time limit on it and say if he doesn't take it by then it's off the table and can go through solicitors, which will cost him a good deal more.

Thank you so much, I really hope so! He's got his own solicitor now, so hopefully they'll confirm a fair price to put my mind at ease. I'm old enough to know karma is a real thing, so I just want to be as kind and fair as possible because I need all the positive energy I can get at this rate 🤣