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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel embarrassed for overreacting about this friend

126 replies

Serenachacha · 11/07/2021 20:39

It comes from low self esteem really, I tend to assume people don’t like me.
I had an old school friend who got back in touch with me at the start of this year to say that she had moved to my area and if I would be up for meeting.
So we went for a walk one day, this was before April so nothing was really open. We walked for about an hour and I thought we had a good catch up, there were maybe one or two silences but I didn’t think anything of it.
She said to let her know when I next wanted to meet up.
About 6 weeks passed and I hadn’t heard anything, so I asked her if she wanted to go for a drink. She said she did and so we arranged a date and time. Then she cancelled the day before saying she had to go to see her aunt or something.
I said no problem and we rearranged. Then again she cancelled last minute as she had some event she had forgotten about.
Then it happened again. I was getting frustrated and asked her when she was available to meet in that case. She read the message and didn’t reply, and that was it.

I suppose I took it as her not wanting to meet up but not wanting to say so. A very similar thing had happened a few months prior with somebody I’d tried to get friendlier with and I was feeling a little disheartened.

I just deleted her off Facebook and moved on. I had written her a short message and sent it but realised it was pointless so quickly deleted it.

Anyway she’s very recently sent me a message. Feel too nervous to read it which I know is pathetic, I just feel like I’ve overreacted, but I was getting annoyed by the flakiness and thought she just wasn’t interested.
Aibu?

OP posts:
icepackquestion · 12/07/2021 07:44

I feel I invested way too much time into this thread 🤣

WeatherwaxOn · 12/07/2021 07:56

I used to have a friend that did this.
We'd make an arrangement and they would cancel at the last minute. Sometimes I would get a vague apology and explanation, other times not.
The final straw for me was that we and another friend were due to have a weekend away. We found a nice place to stay which was affordable for three of us for a weekend. I booked it all up, and paid the deposit having already checked that she was definitely free etc.
At the time, I didn't drive, so she and other friend had planned who would drive which bit, and I would chip in for petrol.
Needless to say, she bailed out at the last minute (a couple of days before we went).
Other friend and I simply couldn't afford it between 2 of us.

Thankfully the person we had booked accommodation with was lovely and gave me a refund having spent ages trying to see if they had any alternative options for us.

After that, the last communication I had with Ms.Flaky was her saying that we should catch up. I asked her to tell me when she was free. That was 3 years ago.

Sarahlou63 · 12/07/2021 07:57

@Serenachacha

Sorry I didn’t get back, it was just an apology for being busy. Thanks for all the replies. I admit it was ott to delete I should have just deleted our convo and moved on. But I do think unless there’s a very serious situation going on, it’s rude to cancel last minute several times.
Rude. Or in distress. Unless you actually talk to her, you'll never know.
NCnotmyusualone · 12/07/2021 08:08

I’m like your friend. I have a long term health condition, and I never know when it might flare up badly. I don’t always like to share my health details, so might make a vague excuse as to why I’m cancelling last minute rather than go into gory details. Some people who know me really well know it will be due to my condition, others won’t, and probably think I’m just really flaky🤷‍♀️

Branleuse · 12/07/2021 08:40

This is so odd. I dont understand why you did a thread if youre not going to even read her reason

Mrstreehouse · 12/07/2021 08:45

Maybe she does want to meet up but suffering from crippling social anxiety?

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/07/2021 09:06

Till you read the message we can’t help or advise

AbsolutelyPatsy · 12/07/2021 09:07

only you can decide what to do,
i think you should undelete/block her
she says she is sorry so give her another chance , but dont invest too much

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 12/07/2021 09:08

@Serenachacha

Sorry I didn’t get back, it was just an apology for being busy. Thanks for all the replies. I admit it was ott to delete I should have just deleted our convo and moved on. But I do think unless there’s a very serious situation going on, it’s rude to cancel last minute several times.
I agree with you on all aspects OP. You were OTT to delete and unfriend, but equally I wouldnt be making anymore plans with this person.
WhySoSensitive · 12/07/2021 09:09

How do you know it’s rude of her if you don’t actually chat with her? You have no idea what’s going on in her life. She could have cancelled on every friend over a few weeks and not just you.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 12/07/2021 09:13

I'd just reply saying something like that I'd leave to her to suggest the next meet up when she is ready. If she doesn't then just accept that you have probably grown apart and that's it. No need to block and so on though.

TillyTottenham · 12/07/2021 09:29

People are flakes, generally. This week I'vehad a friend of 20 years cancel a lunch date because her cat was not feeling well and another friend of similar tenure cancel because her cousin was coming to town for an impromptu visit. Par for the course for both of them unfortunately. I just let it ride. Life is too short to get angry about such things.

GameSetMatch · 12/07/2021 09:32

I’d talk to her about it, ask if she would like to go or prefer a night away with her Dad at Alton towers or wherever. She might make it easier for you anyway….

GameSetMatch · 12/07/2021 09:32

🙄 wrong thread

ChristmasFluff · 12/07/2021 09:37

FFS, she's flaky as fuck, you'll lose nothing from deleting her message, who cares what she has to say?

No-one needs flaky friends who are only interested in friendship when it suits them. That's a one-way street. By keeping them, they just take up the space (headspace) that could be given to a real friend.

IncessantNameChanger · 12/07/2021 09:41

Flakes belong on a ice cream or in a cereal bowl. It's not a quality for a friendship.

I have had three major flakes in my life. Uni friend who didnt say why she didnt come to my wedding a month after. She was shot down in flames. Who cant call in a month.

Flakey mummy friend who cancelled as much as she turned up. It was always for things like booking a Dr appointment at the exact time we was to meet up. It was also just as I was about to go and meet her. I did everything. Ask if she needed help, was she ok, rearranged etc. The last time we met she wanted to cancel meeting inside for lunch but it was raining! When she her usual "we meet up" text I told her to tell me when she was free and I haven't seen her for two years now.

The other flake is still in my life. She only flakes out for meeting in the evening. I have tried to see her in a different light and she is a daytime friend I guess? As meeting up at the weekend or after work is too much of a faff. She normally has a big meet up of all her friends for her birthday drinks. I have also decided that I dont need to go. Neither do I have to run to her call if I am busy. I hate flaking out and cancelling but unless I'm 100% happy to met her, its mutual now and I cancel. I wouldnt dream of it for other people but in these cases as I'm a reliable person. People take the piss thinking I'm a solid reliable person if they muck me about.

I'm sure they all have other things going on but repeatedly cancelling isnt something any one needs

shivawn · 12/07/2021 10:05

I'd accept the apology but make no further plans to see her, unless she makes a big effort to see you.

Deleting her from Facebook was passive aggressive in the extreme.

Youdiditanyway · 12/07/2021 10:09

YANBU, I ditched a flaky friend for the same reason. She cancelled on me last minute a few times, including once when I was dressed and ready to go and I just got fed up with it. Funnily enough I was at the hairdressers one day (I knew she also used the same hairdresser) and overheard one of them whinging about my friend because she kept cancelling appointments last minute.

It isn’t personal, your friend is just a flake.

fairycakes1234 · 12/07/2021 10:11

leave it and move on. Noone cancels that amount of times without an explanation and it is rude.

beigebrownblue · 12/07/2021 10:16

I'm not surprised it affected your self esteem. If someone cancels on you three times it sends out the message that you are not wanted.

Yes, you she might have had an excuse. Or she might be having the wobbles about going out in general in the afermath of Covid.?

MummyofTw0 · 12/07/2021 10:23

Well what did the message say?

Lweji · 12/07/2021 10:57

It isn’t personal, your friend is just a flake.

Probably this.

Could she have anxiety or depression? She may not even realise it.

PrettyLittleFlies · 12/07/2021 11:22

@MummyofTw0

Well what did the message say?
OP updated
PrettyLittleFlies · 12/07/2021 11:23

@shivawn

I'd accept the apology but make no further plans to see her, unless she makes a big effort to see you.

Deleting her from Facebook was passive aggressive in the extreme.

Why do you say it's passive aggressive? It's just a straight up deletion, couldn't be less confusing.
QueenBee52 · 12/07/2021 12:22

Why do you say it's passive aggressive? It's just a straight up deletion, couldn't be less confusing.

totally 🤣

it's crystal clear 🥳