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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling so alone and left out of NCT group

59 replies

Lucycarter15864 · 10/07/2021 14:42

I did NCT 2 years ago with my first child, and my NCT group used to meet up very frequently during maternity leave. I then had to return to work full time whereas they all remained part time. They all still frequently meet up during the week with their toddlers whilst I'm working and haven't seen them since last year due to COVID and work, as most of them are busy on weekends. I'm now 6 months pregnant, however in the WhatsApp group chat we have, no one ever mentions me or asks how I am or how my son is doing despite not seeing him since last year. Yet when others were pregnant, they were constantly checked upon. I am naturally a shy and reserved person but when I do say something in the chat, it is often ignored so i rarely participate nowadays. A few members of the group have offline chats with each other where they make plans to meet up with each other but I'm never invited to those. This whole thing is making me feel upset and awful and so lonely to the point I'm dreading maternity leave. I guess the point i'm trying to make is should I leave the whatsapp group, as it seems like they wouldn't notice anyway? Or am i being hasty and unreasonable, especially with all these pregnancy hormones flying about?

OP posts:
claralara42 · 10/07/2021 14:45

I am naturally a shy and reserved person but when I do say something in the chat, it is often ignored so i rarely participate nowadays. A few members of the group have offline chats with each other where they make plans to meet up with each other but I'm never invited to those. This whole thing is making me feel upset and awful and so lonely to the point I'm dreading maternity leave

You don't chat hardly at all, you don't join in. You don't start offline chats and invite other people. You terribly upset no-one makes the effort with you but make no effort with them.
You are being unreasonable.

Needapoodle · 10/07/2021 14:48

Just leave the group. Lifes too short.

Fl0w3ry · 10/07/2021 14:54

I would leave the group. Something similar happened to me and leaving the door open to them through the WhatsApp group made me dwell on it more. You will make new baby related friends when the new baby arrives.

Nuffaluff · 10/07/2021 14:54

Imagine yourself leaving the group. Does it feel like a weight lifting off your shoulders? If so, do it.

You don’t need to stress about this. It really doesn’t matter. Do you think of any of these people as a friend really? Would you choose to be friends with them if you didn’t have the NCT connection?
Baby and toddler groups will be open when you have your new baby. You will meet people to chat to. Get back in touch with your real friends too, the ones you met before babies.

Morechocmorechoc · 10/07/2021 14:54

Have you asked any of them to meet up more than once? It's effort esp if you've been out of the loop. Nobody has left you out its just circumstances and you're shy as you said. Either try harder or move on

pasturesgreen · 10/07/2021 14:56

Leave the group. You haven't seen any of them since Covid started, so more than a year. You've drifted apart: I'd cut my losses and start afresh.

Cloudninenine · 10/07/2021 14:57

I don’t think you’re awful at all, but I think you would reap the rewards of making an effort to participate more and invite people to do things. Once your baby is born you will be able to do more things in the week and you may really appreciate the company then.

It’s hard when you’re naturally shy but if you rely on other people always coming to you, it can very easily lead to you accidentally being left out (either because they forget, or they think you aren’t interested). I usually find with these things that the more you put in the more you get out.

Shamoo · 10/07/2021 14:57

Why don’t you do NCT again and make a nee set of friends for your new baby? Hopefully Covid will go away and you can focus on new friendships. I know it’s not common, but I do know people who have done it twice.

PiggyMelon · 10/07/2021 15:01

Why don't you initiate a meet up?

It doesn't sound like they purposely excluded you, they just meet on weekdays when you're working.

NeedNewKnees · 10/07/2021 15:02

You've drifted apart because they are able to meet up regularly and you aren't. It's not unkind, it's just the natural distancing when one person no longer participates in the group. Life choices etc.

I'm sorry you feel lonely. If life gets more back to you'll be able to meet people at baby and toddler groups and make many other connections during your second maternity leave.

If the WhatsApp group upsets you, by all means leave it. Or possibly mute it and drop in occasionally if that suits you so you can get in touch when you're around more.

aiwblam · 10/07/2021 15:22

Bin the fuckers off, live your life.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 10/07/2021 15:26

I've lost count of the number of friends who've posted 'NCT - Friends for life!' etc etc pictures with about a dozen other mums and babies, and have all lost touch within a year. Give it up as a bad job.

2bazookas · 10/07/2021 15:28

A few members of the group have offline chats with each other where they make plans to meet up with each other but I'm never invited to those

Then do some offline chats and invite some meet ups yourself.

newomums · 10/07/2021 15:34

Think your getting a bit of slack here. You could still have been included on meet ups on weekend. Effort is a two way street granted.

This is clearly weighing on you. I think leaving whatup group might help you feel like you have a bit of closure and close the book. People have your number if they want to meet up, if they don't use it well don't waste the time or energy chasing them

NCT groups can be hit and miss tbh. Groups of women can get competitive and a bit clicky. Not to say this is wrong per say but ignoring that this happens and saying cliques don't is a more insidious problem.
Most are superficial bonds made over one thing having a baby at the same time and very little cross interests otherwise.

Easier said than done but you don't have to pacipate in anything that makes you feel like rubbish. Don't walk run xxx

LilacSloth · 10/07/2021 15:44

I guess it depends how much you enjoyed their company. If you looked forward to seeing them on mat leave, and it was only when you went back to work things drifted, I would suggest you reach out and try and make some plans with them. If they don't seem interested leave the group and join a baby class or 2 to make new friends when your lo is here.

Figgygal · 10/07/2021 15:47

I would leave the group Too if it’s upsetting you
It’s like when you go to school and people get desperate to make friends at the school gates the only things you have in common is having children the same age.

Thank you but hope you can make new friends to this pregnancy they said she could go groups you could join

Figgygal · 10/07/2021 15:48

Bloody phone
Meant to say think how you could make new friends through this new pregnancy - groups you could go to etc

ivfgottwins · 10/07/2021 15:51

Part of the reason I didn't bother with NCT in my area - very much a STAHM / return part time / take a year off territory and I could only have 20 weeks (main earner).

Of course you could organise something yourself if you genuinely miss their company rather than convenience their companionship provides?

I'd joint non baby/child related clubs as at least they aren't limited to term time / during the week when you will be at work

RoseAndGeranium · 10/07/2021 15:55

Sorry to hear you’re feeling low about this, OP. How did you feel about the group and the individuals in it before you started drifting from it? Are any of the mums the sort of people you’d enjoy spending time with one on one? If so you could try initiating a meet up just with her/them at some point. That can sometimes be a good way to forge a closer friendship or, if that’s what you’re after, to break back into the group a bit. But you also have to ask yourself if they’re your people. I had a similar experience with my NCT group — they were all lovely in their way and I really relied on them on the first 6 months or so, but when we went back to work my one day in work was the rest of the group’s one day off work, so they (quite reasonably) all met up then. They also drove to soft play and stuff a lot but I don’t have a car, so even on the weekends I was de facto excluded. Truthfully, though, they weren’t people I’d ordinarily have gravitated towards, and whilst they were very much big-group meet-up types I’m a lot happier in pairs or threes, so after a while I just went my own way. Maybe you’re at that point? If so, own it, and see it as your choice. And then, as PP have said, try doing NCT again or look out for other new mum stuff that could help you to make a fresh set of pals.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/07/2021 15:56

leave the group - combination of you being shy less pushy, lockdown and you working full time clearly not a great one.
rather than trying to rekindle things with this lot, will you be doing NCT again with your new one? might meet a nicer bunch of people, take heed of PP's suggestions re initiating meetups and chats yourself' Might be easier starting afresh than persevering with the existing group if you feel a bit out of it, or they perceive you as a bit stand-offish.
good luck

LyndaSnellsSniff · 10/07/2021 15:57

Yeah, I would draw a line under it and leave the group. It doesn’t sound like it brings any positives to your life. It would be interesting if, after having left the group, any of them get in touch to ask why you left. If they do, you can tell them you felt excluded and it was affecting your mental health.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/07/2021 16:02

I think you are being a bit U. I think you are seeing it as "an NCT group", but really it is a grouo of friends who originally met at NCT. Your lifestyle is different and you have less contact, so you have ended up less close, that's just how life works.

Vooga · 10/07/2021 16:07

Just leave the group. Take your toddler and baby to some groups when you're on may leave or find a Saturday class for your toddler and make new friends there. My NCT group didn't work out and a few of them made friends and stayed in touch but I moved away and now I have new mum friends.

HopeValley · 10/07/2021 16:09

I'm probably a bit like the break away people in your NCT group. The reason I have lots of friends to meet up with on my second mat leave is because I'm constantly texting people making plans. You have to put yourself out there. Loads of people I'd drifted away from I've now reconnected with. Around here I find most people on maternity are really up for meeting if you make the first move. It's hard but so worth it - give it a go.

LindyLou2020 · 10/07/2021 16:22

@Lucycarter15864
I'm going back many years now, but I joined an NCT group just after my first baby was born, mainly because I was new to the area and wanted to meet other new parents.
I am actually a reasonably outgoing person, and I tried so hard to fit in. I possibly had a particularly atypical experience, but It was probably the most cliquey group of people I have ever been a part of. I thought there must be something wrong with me, and allowed my confidence to be almost destroyed, as I clearly didn't "fit".
I eventually left as I couldn't bear the feelings of rejection anymore.
I later heard from another mum, months later, that I was looked down on by most mothers in the group, (and yes, this group was all female), 1) because I was going back to work full time, and 2) because I had given up breastfeeding!!!
Hopefully your situation has not been as extreme as that, but women truly can be absolutely vile to each other.
I would echo other PP's advice to maybe cut your losses with this group, and join a new one, or make new friends in other ways. Plenty more fish in the sea! xxx

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