Feeling so alone and left out of NCT group

[Lucycarter15864]

I did NCT 2 years ago with my first child, and my NCT group used to meet up very frequently during maternity leave. I then had to return to work full time whereas they all remained part time. They all still frequently meet up during the week with their toddlers whilst I'm working and haven't seen them since last year due to COVID and work, as most of them are busy on weekends. I'm now 6 months pregnant, however in the WhatsApp group chat we have, no one ever mentions me or asks how I am or how my son is doing despite not seeing him since last year. Yet when others were pregnant, they were constantly checked upon. I am naturally a shy and reserved person but when I do say something in the chat, it is often ignored so i rarely participate nowadays. A few members of the group have offline chats with each other where they make plans to meet up with each other but I'm never invited to those. This whole thing is making me feel upset and awful and so lonely to the point I'm dreading maternity leave. I guess the point i'm trying to make is should I leave the whatsapp group, as it seems like they wouldn't notice anyway? Or am i being hasty and unreasonable, especially with all these pregnancy hormones flying about?

I’ve never got the whole NCT friendship groups…. Ultimately you had one thing in common -babies at the same time. If you had made friends they would all stay in touch irrespective of full time part time etc. I find it just forced friendships.

OP ignore them.. maternity leave is fab, go out to baby groups - make actual friends with people that you’d really be friends with. Life is too short to be bothered by it… join baby sensory, baby massage, rhyme and rhythm groups…. You will find so many lovely people out there.

You are interpreting their response to your posts as ignoring you, but you've no way of knowing that they actually are. I'm the opposite of shy and reserved on WA (and IRL) and my posts frequently get ignored / no responses on bigger, busier groups - the conversation moves on quickly. It's the way that conversation goes in a big group. If someone doesn't post a lot or at all I tend to assume they are too busy or have moved on, or just don't want to. I have to say I don't go out of my way to seek out the quieter members, but I don't think this adds up to actively excluding or ignoring them. They are welcome to join in the chat. Having said that we don't do meet-ups, so aren't excluding anyone that way. Though there are lots of sub-groups that meet up, they tend to chop and change though.

Are there any of them that you felt you clicked with ? You could always propose a meet-up just the two of you? Maybe you could be honest with that person, and say you feel a bit left out and choose after hearing what she says whether you want to stay in the group and try to rekindle the friendships. Or maybe it's time to strike out into a new friendship group?

Something I've realised during lockdown is that online friendships require a lot of effort and investment: they don't just happen. This is especially true if the friendships are a bit new (I'd say 2 years is still quite new, given all the disruption)). You get out what you put in.

Think your getting a bit of slack here. You could still have been included on meet ups on weekend. Effort is a two way street granted.

My NCT group has been formed for nearly 3 years and we've done exactly one weekend meetup. I'm part time and can make things on 2 days of the week, but otherwise I miss them and that's just the way it's been. Especially with the 2-household indoors rules.

You need to make an effort yourself. They probably assume you're busy or not available/not interested because you don't chat to them, you can't really blame them.

You can choose to cut this group out and try to make new friends when your new baby arrives or you can choose to reinvest some time in the group.

I always wonder with these kind of posts what it is that makes people unable to actually voice this stuff with the people that matter. Can you not actually say to them 'hey, I know I've not been around much, I have been really busy and then Covid struck but I miss you all and feel like we don't talk like we used to. I'd love to see you all for a proper catch up before the baby arrives - is anyone free on blah blah blah?'

What's the worst that could happen?

Use this baby to start with a new group and leave this one

Do you want to be friends with any of them? If so, then give it a last push. Suggest a weekend meet up a couple of times.

The new baby is a good opportunity to make new friends.

You have to either interact more with the group so you feel part of it and are more included, or leave and stop worrying about it.

I wouldn’t make the effort myself if it had got to the point where I felt rejected and ignored. Even if that was my own doing in some people’s view, I would just cut my losses and leave the group. I did do that in fact - I said something along the lines of ‘can’t keep up with the group, no doubt see you around’ and left. I do see them around town - one always getting their Xmas tree the same time as us; one at my son’s nursery etc. Bumped into another who told me she also left the group because of the cliquey ness and the queen bee being a right bitch. So it wasn’t just me 😄

The NCT Group wasn't my cup of tea. The mums were all all a bit lefty, might have knitted lentils, and not my type. I ran - very fast in the other direction. About 6 years laternI met a friend's not friends through another group and they were all very like minded. It's the luck of the draw.

My sister has had her 2nd baby and did a refresher course with NCT for people having their 2nd baby. She also went to some of their walk and talks with the new baby. She said that these 2 new groups have been a bit of a lifeline during Covid, she lives nearly 2 hours from me so I couldn't just pop round. Have you looked at what they have on in your local area for refreshers or walk and talk or meet ups?

Have you tried to initiate a meet up? Are they interested at all?

I’d personally just mute the group if it’s upsetting you and focus on finding a new group of friends with baby 2 who are on their mat leave at the same time.

It only took me about 6 months to realise that my NCT ‘friends’ and I had nothing in common and weren’t very well suited. I felt guilty not maintaining the friendship, like I was doing my DC a mis-service or something but actually cutting ties was much healthier for me.

I don't think you're all on the same wavelength. Find another group with working mothers etc.
They're not deliberately ignoring you - but you're never there.. so why should they make the extra effort to include you?

@MarshaBradyo

Use this baby to start with a new group and leave this one

I agree with this

Leave the group, don't even bother saying anything and then start afresh

My antenatal group went the same way, people set up a sub Whatsapp group. It really hurts. I made a conscious choice to disengage.

Such a minefield

Sometimes I think small groups are harder than pre WhatsApp as when I did NCT type group we just texted to meet up and kept in touch on that level - face to face and phone

I know Covid has made meeting up harder

Leave this group. They aren't bothered about you, but there will be nice people who are.

Not quite the same but I ended up in a WhatsApp group with some local mums after my second baby was born and after a while I realised it was really upsetting me.

They were quite competitive, a bit passive aggressive and also super rich (when 1st birthdays rolled round they all ordered specially designed cakes costing £££ from local bakeries - I thought I was pushing the boat out getting a £25 personalised cake from M&S!) Several of them were SAHMs and made no secret of that fact they thought that was the "right" choice to make

Anyway I left saying I was just so busy with work that I couldn't keep up with the chat but hoped to stay in touch. I've only heard from one of them since and I don't miss the others at all. I'm not usually the type of person to cut off friendships like that but I've never regretted it once.

If you're worried that this group of friends that were there for your first mat leave but won't be for your second may leave then you need to make the effort here. I think a message to the group saying, 'I can't wait to have the time to catch up with all of you once I'm on may leave again. Ive really missed it! Can everyone tell me which days you're not working so we can arrange meet ups?'

If you don't get any responses to that then leave but it's worth putting yourself out there first! X

If you can afford it maybe you can join an antenatal ground for this pregnancy too? I know my local one did reminder sessions for people who were already parents, or people who needed reassurance.
You'll be able to make a new set of friends who will probably value your experience.

It’s obviously happened because you returned to work FT after maternity leave and they all returned PT so they had more time on their hands during the week to meet up that you simply didn’t have. It’s nothing personal at all, you’ve drifted apart because you don’t have the same amount of spare time they do. Find new friends.

You know there are apps you can meet up with other mums (never tried it) or baby groups swim lessons ect.

Whatsup groups are a nightmare my NCT group spilt into mini groups that all bitched about the people not included including the kids and all really fake/drama and can you believe she did x under the guise of aren't I superior.Bizarre situation . What's worse is you weren't allowed to tell any of the excluded people because one of the loud ones would have a absolute strop and give a word salad and it wasn't worth the agg tbh. She had already done it to one poor girl when group started and that was just awful.

I always found theres always a "reason" to exclude people right if you look hard enough and (the real reason is rarely put forward) even if it's just meh don't like her/him - no one seems to have the honesty to say that.

In my defence for staying in this groups for so long putting up with this rubbish (for about 3 years) is I didn't genuinely want to hurt the people who were excluded and if I left I would have to explain why. And they would have been hurt and I felt bad for my DC losing play dates because of me rocking the boat. Made me feel really icky and uneasy for a while tbh.

Anyway in the end when I did leave. Some of the stuff going was really pathetic and I just lost it. I had to explain to one of the nice mums why (oh the irony) that I was sick of all the sly/competitive comments but maybe I was just to oversensitive for the group and happier out of it . She said I wasn't being oversensitive and said that one of the girls I considered my friend and "nice ones in group" had been sharing all my private messages for months and causing drama with RL. I had told my "friend" privately about a MC I was currently having, and she shared to ring leader and group and they some really nasty comments it. So when that "friend" messaged me about the situation of leaving the group - which turns out she was also central to all the drama, I said it's ok when you talk about other people's kids in a nasty way you go bald and that also got shared with the group. Is suspect it was their way of trying calling out who told me about all the name calling.

The irony is QB is going bald and I truly think her fake veneer is shedding. Quite literally.
Was it my proudest moment probably not. Did it feel good considering I was mid miscarriage . Some people bring out the best in others some people bring out the worst. I always a bit suspect of people that say they hate drama until they prove it. Normally they are central to the drama.

Moral of this story. It's ok not to gel with people. It's not ok to pretend to be nice to someone's face and be hideous behind their backs. Some people need to grow some ⚽️

Go find your people these ones may not be it. It's weird the stuff you will explain away not that rock the boat.

I'm afraid I had this experience before WhatsApp groups were invented. It was awful and I stopped going. I didn't work full tjme like you. However, they acted like I wasn't there. It all came to a head when they excluded me and my friend, when the coffee morning was at my house. I had enough by then. So bloody rude and obnoxious!!! Sending hugs!

Have you seen any of these people or contacted them individually in the last year?

If not they are not your friends just people that you knew at a certain point. Most nct groups don't continue as groups after mat leave, its individuals meeting up.

So if you haven't met up with another person then just forget about it.

Toddler groups and activities are now open again so enjoy those on mat leave

Have you made an effort with them?

Don’t worry OP, I got booted out after my first NCT group meet. DD was my second baby and all others in the group had PFB’s.

DD would have been around 12 weeks and we were all sat around with a cuppa. There was a plate of biscuits on the table, DD started fussing so I gave her a custard cream biscuit to grab and suck on.

The room fell silent and I was given daggers by everyone. That was the last time I was ever invited. 😂

DD is now 18 and survived....

Find your own tribe, sometimes these things happen for a reason