Feeling so alone and left out of NCT group

[Lucycarter15864]

I did NCT 2 years ago with my first child, and my NCT group used to meet up very frequently during maternity leave. I then had to return to work full time whereas they all remained part time. They all still frequently meet up during the week with their toddlers whilst I'm working and haven't seen them since last year due to COVID and work, as most of them are busy on weekends. I'm now 6 months pregnant, however in the WhatsApp group chat we have, no one ever mentions me or asks how I am or how my son is doing despite not seeing him since last year. Yet when others were pregnant, they were constantly checked upon. I am naturally a shy and reserved person but when I do say something in the chat, it is often ignored so i rarely participate nowadays. A few members of the group have offline chats with each other where they make plans to meet up with each other but I'm never invited to those. This whole thing is making me feel upset and awful and so lonely to the point I'm dreading maternity leave. I guess the point i'm trying to make is should I leave the whatsapp group, as it seems like they wouldn't notice anyway? Or am i being hasty and unreasonable, especially with all these pregnancy hormones flying about?

I don't get the obsession with finding 'mum friends'. Surely if you work full time you have friends at work? And I'm going to guess at least some of them have kids? Plus your DC is likely to be in some form of childcare if you work so they have friends their own age there. Just make friends with people you like, not just because they have kids the same age as you!

I think you've been unlucky to land in a group where none of the other mums went back to work. In fairness to the others, they mainly need social contact during the week, and it is natural they bond from time spent together. It doesn't make them bad people - in a sense you left them, not the other way around.

I agree that you should try again with a different group. If you get one where most of the mums are returning to work they are more likely to be on the same page as you and want to stay in contact online in the week and maybe meet on weekends.

My NCT group had arranged a meet up at a coffee shop. I turned up but there was nobody else there. Turns out they’d changed the venue without telling me. Nice.

I never did NCT and as a full time teacher don’t do the school gate mum stuff either. Who were your friends before DC? My friends are people from Uni and past/present colleagues. I don’t consider a friendship to be one founded on when you gave birth the same period as someone else.

You're not alone, like you and some of the PP my NCT is very cliquey, with drama of subgroups and other bitchy negativity.
Fortunately I've met a lovely group of Mum's at baby groups. They are inclusive, genuine, supportive and gave me the confidence to BF in public (as they were doing it too!) And through them I've also met other nice Mum's and been invited to other meet ups.
So don't dread mat leave, there are other ways to make Mum friends, get yourself to some baby groups and forget about the NCT lot. Put the group on mute, less drama than leaving!

But you’ve faded out of the group because you’re at work when they meet, and you seldom say anything on the group chat — the fact of your pregnancy alone doesn’t put you centre stage. If you want to start to see the group again when you’re on maternity leave, you’re going to have to engage more.

Whatever you decide, I wouldn’t get too upset about it. My NCT group just didn’t get on. None of us liked one another that much, and it felt very obviously like a bunch of utterly different people who happened to have a baby at the same time — I moved to a different part of the country when DS was five months old, and we’d drifted apart and not met up in ages at that point.

From the sounds of things no one's been unreasonable here, but if you've not really gelled with the group for whatever reason you might be better cutting your losses (unless there was anyone you particularly got on with who you could maybe approach one on one?).

Someone else mentioned this but NCT do shorter refresher courses specifically designed for second timers. I did one and found it quite useful in terms of preparing for the change in family dynamics and how to support your older child through the transition to becoming a sibling. In my case I've also really lucked out with my group and get on well with them - and it's quite helpful that we're all in the same situation with two kids so meet ups are either when oldest is in nursery or at weekends with partners. It's just luck of the draw who you get grouped with but maybe you'd be luckier second time around?

I binned off my nct group after 8 weeks or so. They were awful, and really mean to me about not breast feeding and having a section! I made lovely mum friends at baby classes.

I'd leave, you'll feel better. Just make sure you get to some classes.

Similar story here. Best advice is to make a second set of mum friends during DC2 mat leave

Think of it as a support group that was helpful for you at the time but has now run its course. No hard feelings just the way of it. There are more fish in the sea!