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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU WWYD spoilt child

79 replies

PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 20:35

I have to take my son (5 y/o) to an appointment tomorrow so booked for us to go to an exhibit afterwards that I thought he would love.

When I told him what it was his face dropped, and he threw a strop because he wanted to go somewhere else, said the one I had chosen was boring.

I told him I didn't have to take him and could just take him back to school instead. He has apologised, and said he wants to go now, but I think that's just to get out of school, his first reaction was boring so I can't see that he's changed his mind...

I told him I'll think about it. I don't want to upset him but he's kinda spoilt it with his behaviour so although I'd love to take him I just think I shouldn't.

So AIBU to not take him, and WWYD.

OP posts:
GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 21:52

I think its important for us to learn as parents that they will not always react or have the feelings we expect them to.
And that's okay.
Its so important to let them have their feelings and responses and learn to express those in an appropiate way.
Our long term goal is emotionally literate and well adjusted children. Not children who learn to only show the emotions we want them too and tread on eggshells to please us.

blacksax · 08/07/2021 21:52

@GiantToadstool

Its not great for are children to learn their emotions are only "okay" when they match ours.
Their emotions are not ok when they throw a strop when they can't have something they want, or say that something else is boring. They need to learn that some things are rude and cheeky.

Kids need to learn politeness, good manners and consideration for others in order to fit into society. Otherwise they grow up into entitled adults who do what they like and don't give a monkeys about others.

Iggly · 08/07/2021 21:57

Saying something is boring is fine if it’s the truth!!!

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 21:57

The learning to handle emotions is to learn to handle disappointment and how to express that without having a strop.

Its about communication. There are ways to communicate with a child about a change of plan, or an activity together. I may not be expressing myself well this late at night! Indeed the goal is politeness, so its important to teach a child how to manage emotions and to model this rather than to punish for not appreciating something they didn't see initially as a good thing. Seeing it from their perspective.

There are some fab books around this. One is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." Another one, probably less relevant here but still fantastic, is "the explosive child" by Ross W Greene. In fact his shorter articles on children's behaviour are worth googling for and having a read of. He will express this far better than I at 10pm at night!

sadperson16 · 08/07/2021 21:58

Whats an exhibit?

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 21:59

It could be the strop was after being told that "it's boring" wasn't an acceptable response, and trying to handle the mix of emotions of wanting to please mum, not wanting to go and being told off for the emotion they had. However that is just one guess. Its worth looking exactly at what happens before "a strop", what leads up to it, and what is going on for that child. And then helping them in future with the big emotions.

Part of this is also working on our expectations we place on a 5 year old too!

N4ish · 08/07/2021 22:01

He’s a tiny 5 year old boy! You’re expecting far too much from him, he doesn’t sound spoilt at all.

Whydoiwearsomuchleopardprint · 08/07/2021 22:03

He is only 5, what is the exhibit?? I can’t imagine an exhibit that most 5 years would be thrilled by! 5 is so young to be cross with him over this.

Musmerian · 08/07/2021 22:04

Why is everyone so obsessed with him going back to school? He’s 5 it’s hardly going to blight his future. OP he’s very young still, go and have a nice time.

Original poster
PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 22:05

*blacksax

GiantToadstool

Its not great for are children to learn their emotions are only "okay" when they match ours.

Their emotions are not ok when they throw a strop when they can't have something they want, or say that something else is boring. They need to learn that some things are rude and cheeky.

Kids need to learn politeness, good manners and consideration for others in order to fit into society. Otherwise they grow up into entitled adults who do what they like and don't give a monkeys about others.*

Wouldn't let me quote, but I agree with both of these, I think I erred more on blacksax point, specifically the second paragraph, but maybe he is too young for me to be thinking this far ahead. He is an awesome little kid. Maybe I am too harsh/strict whatever with his emotions.

OP posts:
GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 22:10

Will he learn politeness at 5 for being punished when his emotions dont match what is expected though? Would you? Or would you learn not to express that emotion/bottle it up/let it put in other ways.
Far healthier to learn to express "its boring" in an acceptable way (not a stop) and have a talk about it at a 5 year old level.

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 22:12

At 5 he really wonr have a concept of what the "lego exhibit" is (unless he's been before.) From his 5 year old perspective you have said you were taking him to the museum ("oooh yay fun science" may be his association with museum from what you've said) and then take that away - no we cant do that we are going to an exhibit (feelings of disappointment, like you have just taken away the thing he said he could have) , the confusion at why you are cross with him. All can lead to an explosion!

Original poster
PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 22:18

@GiantToadstool

The learning to handle emotions is to learn to handle disappointment and how to express that without having a strop.

Its about communication. There are ways to communicate with a child about a change of plan, or an activity together. I may not be expressing myself well this late at night! Indeed the goal is politeness, so its important to teach a child how to manage emotions and to model this rather than to punish for not appreciating something they didn't see initially as a good thing. Seeing it from their perspective.

There are some fab books around this. One is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk." Another one, probably less relevant here but still fantastic, is "the explosive child" by Ross W Greene. In fact his shorter articles on children's behaviour are worth googling for and having a read of. He will express this far better than I at 10pm at night!

Thanks for the book recommendation, I have heard of it before but didnt think I'd need it. I will check it out. Think it was easier when he was younger and you would say like "yes I know you're sad/angry because you want to stay at the park. But now we have to go do whatever. Let's come back tomorrow. Say see you tomorrow to the swings." That type of example. That feels too babyish for him now, but I'm not sure what the next level is. Btw I don't think I've ever consciously tried to stop his emotions or from feeling what he's feeling, but now I'm worried I do it without really knowing. Will be more mindful and will get the book.
OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 08/07/2021 22:23

I think you’re overthinking it a bit, OP. 5 year olds don’t really have the capacity for impulse control or rational discussions about future events. If you make a big deal out of this, he will be confused, won’t understand what he did wrong and learn that being honest gets him punished. Just take him and don’t stress about ‘forgiving’ him over a small misdemeanour. There will be much bigger battles ahead than this. Have a lovely time and if he isn’t as impressed as you thought he might be, let it go-and if he is then enjoy it!

Anyusernameleft · 08/07/2021 22:25

He's only 5....he has apologised, let it go & teach him a valuable lesson that when someone is gracious & apologises then you don't hold a grudge. Also, he is allowed to express himself & not have the same interests as you but you can explain it is rude to offend so vocally. But again...only 5 yrs old so don't pile on the punishment. Go on your planned outing & enjoy your time together. Next time, maybe think about doing his preferred thing.

Original poster
PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 22:26

@GiantToadstool

At 5 he really wonr have a concept of what the "lego exhibit" is (unless he's been before.) From his 5 year old perspective you have said you were taking him to the museum ("oooh yay fun science" may be his association with museum from what you've said) and then take that away - no we cant do that we are going to an exhibit (feelings of disappointment, like you have just taken away the thing he said he could have) , the confusion at why you are cross with him. All can lead to an explosion!
Lots for me to think about in your posts so thanks for taking the time out. You're right of course, when you put it like that. He loves science and doing experiments, he also has a really great memory (I do not...) so when he got excited about Eureka (he doesn't know the name of it) and started explaining something I didn't know he was talking about there to start with. The strop just seemed to come from nowhere when I know he loves Lego. Anyway, I will take him to the exhibit tomorrow and hope that he doesn't actually think its boring!
OP posts:
GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 22:27

I think you sound a lovely parent and aspp says I expect you (and I) are overthinking this. No one parents perfectly,and it is a long term issue. I dont think your child is explosive or has challenging behaviour because of a 5 year strop, I didn't mean to infer that I am sorry. It is more that is where the principles of understanding children's behaviour are drawn from.

You know your child better than anyone and are absolutely the expert on your child. Have a great day with him :)

Wearywithteens · 08/07/2021 22:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 22:29

Sorry I am typing while tired. That didnt all make sense 😅.

The very fact you are thinking and reflecting means you are doing great. Please dont let my verbose replies lead you to think otherwise.

RaindropsOnRosie · 08/07/2021 22:29

He doesn't sound spoilt, he sounds like he realised he reacted to harshly and corrected himself. That's a very mature thing for a young child to do. A 5 year old does not have the capacity to trick you into letting him have time off school, or to weight up the pros and cons of a new idea. You probably surprised him and he reacted as any 5 year old would.

Seriously, lighten up. He's not spoilt he's 5.

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 22:30

Far more eloquent than my waffle 😁

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/07/2021 22:31

@BewareTheBeardedDragon

If you don't accept his apology you would be teaching him that one transgression ruins everything and there is no way to make things better - so there's no point in trying. That is not a lesson you want him to learn.

Apologising and saying he does want to go is a big deal really, and accepting this shows him that he is not a bad person - he made a bad decision by reacting the way he did but he can change his behaviour and by doing so change the outcome. That is a good lesson.

This is a really good point.
FawnFrenchieMum · 08/07/2021 22:32

We once booked Legoland as a birthday treat for my son, he’d asked to go several times for years. We made a special invite and wrapped it up etc, we filmed him opening it expecting him to be overjoyed. He opened it read it with zero emotion then just put it down and said, have I got the present I asked for now! (I can’t even remember what it was, a game or something). I was mortified!
About an hour later, he suddenly said, so are we really going to legoland, I said yes, then he was like, really, tomorrow?! And then he was so excited but it took an hour before he could even contemplate that was his gift mainly because he genuinely believed the game was what he was unwrapping not because he didn’t want to go or was ungrateful once he had got his head around it.

bloodyhell19 · 08/07/2021 22:33

He's 5 and he apologised. Pick your battles.

Also I don't think having an opinion that X is boring is spoilt behaviour - that's how he feels? Reducing his opinions or contrary reactions (that you don't like) to spoilt behaviour is dangerous territory imo.

Original poster
PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 22:34

Subbaxeo

I think you’re overthinking it a bit

Story of my life 😅

OP posts:
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