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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU WWYD spoilt child

79 replies

PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 20:35

I have to take my son (5 y/o) to an appointment tomorrow so booked for us to go to an exhibit afterwards that I thought he would love.

When I told him what it was his face dropped, and he threw a strop because he wanted to go somewhere else, said the one I had chosen was boring.

I told him I didn't have to take him and could just take him back to school instead. He has apologised, and said he wants to go now, but I think that's just to get out of school, his first reaction was boring so I can't see that he's changed his mind...

I told him I'll think about it. I don't want to upset him but he's kinda spoilt it with his behaviour so although I'd love to take him I just think I shouldn't.

So AIBU to not take him, and WWYD.

OP posts:

GoldieLow · 08/07/2021 21:11

Your child doesn't sound spoilt. Just that he didn't like the sound off it. Obviously his tone and attitude are a big part of it that we haven't seen. But if he wants to go I'd take him.

And seriously, I know they've had a lot of time off over the last 2 school years but it's one afternoon. It won't hurt him to get a few hours extra out. People are acting as if OP is taking him out for the week!

Lemonmelonsun · 08/07/2021 21:12

In so struggling to understand this, he's 5? He's allowed not to like the exhibit? But he's 5 so he can't express that in a diplomatic way lighten up!

I hear this all the time! Mh dd was going to to Venice for her bday, she wailed and gnashed and said it sounded boring and it wasn't fair.shes 7!! She's got no understanding of Venice and its beauty.. Until she gets there but she still may hate it..

Tell him your sorry he feels he won't enjoy it but its booed now, would he like to try it!

Original poster

PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 21:12

@unstablemabel

What is the exhibit? Is it something appealing to a five year old or more for you?

No not at all for me, it's a Lego exhibit. He loves lego and I thought he would be happy with it. When I told him a museum he thought I meant Eureka and that's why Lego became boring and what the strop was about.

OP posts:

DispensingShitAdviceSince2002 · 08/07/2021 21:13

OP, as PP have said, he's 5.

Five-year-olds say all kinds of stuff. I know, though, that I would take my PFB's five-year-old utterances very seriously, so I know how you feel.

He didn't mean it was boring. He was just saying it. If he did think it would be boring, it's not something to which you should give any thought.

However, I would never suggest doing anything other than returning to school. If you end up with more than one child, you'll end up with endless "reasons" for them not to be at school. School is where they need to be during term time, unless they are demonstrably ill.

Some things (school, sitting at the table to eat, bedtimes etc) are just non negotiable.

beentoldcomputersaysno · 08/07/2021 21:16

Take him OP. If this year's taught me anything, it's that a day off school is not the be all and end all it used to be. Enjoy!

PrettyLittleFlies · 08/07/2021 21:20

Take him, have a lovely time. Let him learn that his words have power, both positive and negative. And besides, he wouldn't have understood what it was you were taking him to do he resisted out of self preservation. Very normal. What he really wants is your approval and your time which you can give him today.

ElephantOfRisk · 08/07/2021 21:21

Leaving the whole school stuff aside (cos I don't care either way :)), You have chosen something that you believe he will enjoy, he probably will, he's 5 and just reacted out what his initial thoughts are. It's not that he didn't want to go to the Lego exhibit, it's because he thought that there was a choice and that would have been 2nd choice.

It will probably be a few years before that exhibit comes round again so take him and enjoy it and put the tantrum out of your mind.

Being spoiled would have been changing your plans for the one he wanted maybe? He can go to that another time.

SlothinSpirit · 08/07/2021 21:22

Kids often object to trying new things and then end up loving them. 'Boring' is often code word for 'I haven't done this before and I'm not sure about it'.

DavidTheDog · 08/07/2021 21:23

He just hasn't learned to hide his genuine feelings yet.

Iggly · 08/07/2021 21:25

He’s 5. Honestly at that age they just express their emotions. As you get older you learn to effectively lie to save other people’s feelings.

Give the kid a break.

Original poster

PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 21:26

@GoldieLow

Your child doesn't sound spoilt. Just that he didn't like the sound off it. Obviously his tone and attitude are a big part of it that we haven't seen. But if he wants to go I'd take him.

Thanks for this, I don't actually feel bad for wanting to keep him out of school for the afternoon because I schooled him through lockdown. Bought posters and flashcards for learning. Taught him all the phonics and maths set, which was a struggle because he wanted to be at school so much. Yet when he went back to school they just redid it all anyway. I would have much rather done fun things with him if I'd known he would be taught it all at school too. So I don't actually see that he's missing much for an afternoon.

OP posts:

HotPenguin · 08/07/2021 21:26

Your son can't imagine what a Lego exhibition is like as he has never been there, whereas he can imagine the Eureka museum - I assume you have been there before? I wouldn't punish him for expressing his true feelings. As he gets older he needs to learn to be tactful with others, but with you I would encourage an open and honest relationship even if that means he sometimes offends you. I bet you will have a great time!

Original poster

PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 21:31

@DispensingShitAdviceSince2002

OP, as PP have said, he's 5.

Five-year-olds say all kinds of stuff. I know, though, that I would take my PFB's five-year-old utterances very seriously, so I know how you feel.

He didn't mean it was boring. He was just saying it. If he did think it would be boring, it's not something to which you should give any thought.

Some things (school, sitting at the table to eat, bedtimes etc) are just non negotiable.

I do actually have another child, which is one of the reasons I wanted to take him. I don't get to spend as much 1-1 time with him now and wanted us to go and have fun. But I believe school is important and it's important for children to go, so it wouldn't be a regular occurance at all.

OP posts:

Killahangilion · 08/07/2021 21:32

He’s only five years old. He doesn’t sound spoilt at all, especially as he apologised.

At that age, I think it’s sometimes better not to give much advance warning about activities and events as some children can struggle with the anticipation of it all and providing less notice is easier to manage. But I guess that depends on the individual child.

TotorosCatBus · 08/07/2021 21:32

Sometimes adults know better than kids and need to ignore their initial reaction. Museum sounds boring but an exhibit about something that interests you can mean a brilliant day out. He's 5 so a poker face while he finds out details is not going to happen.

I remember buying my son his first pot of Lego and his reaction was . I sat down and started building. He watched me for a while then suddenly sat down and started building too. It started an intense love of building.

Your son might learn from this experience and ask more questions before deciding that something is boring. Over the years my kids have learned that sometimes it's great to get a surprise gift at Christmas rather than something that they specifically asked for. I generally know their tastes and they realise that I know more toys than they do which also helps.

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 21:32

Apologise and go and have a fun time with him :)

Whatinthelord · 08/07/2021 21:33

I’d just take him if he wants to go now (I’m not bothered at all by 5 year olds missing a few hours of school). He obviously just suffered a little disappointment at thinking he was going somewhere else.

Maybe just a chat about how to graciously accept something when someone is doing something kind for you.

Have a great time and make the most of the quiet exhibition.

Lilymossflower · 08/07/2021 21:36

More of a side tip, but I find using the word 'museum' around kids always gets the 'boring!' reaction. So I use other words instead. Like 'lets go to the olden days house' or 'lets go look at cool giant dinosoar bones'

Ravenspeckingontheroof · 08/07/2021 21:39

I read this on mumsnet a few years ago and think of it so often:
“We expect children to be grateful for things they haven’t asked for”

In my life it happens all the time. I go to huge effort and/or expense and get a luke warm response at best and then the kids get a lecture on being grateful…..but they didn’t ask for a trip to london/new football/fish and chips/overnight stay in a nice hotel. They were quite happy to stay at home, play in the wood and the bottom of the garden and have fishfingers and waffles for supper. We need to stop expecting children to be grateful for the plans we make for them.

AmyDudley · 08/07/2021 21:40

5year olds are not very good at hiding their emotions - they haven't reached that developmental level yet, and boys tend to reach it a little later than girls anyway. You were expecting to much of him if you expected him to pretend to like something he thought he wouldn't enjoy.

Throwing a strop was rude, but he has apologised for that. And although an apology shouldn't be a get out of jail free card for all misdemenours, on this occasion, at his age, what else could he have done for you to forgive him ?

At five it is likely that he has learnt if you do something wrong you say sorry, which is what he did. If you ignore his apology then he will feel quite confused and wonder what apologies are actually for, if not to make amends.

ElephantOfRisk · 08/07/2021 21:42

Over the years my kids have learned that sometimes it's great to get a surprise gift at Christmas rather than something that they specifically asked for. I generally know their tastes and they realise that I know more toys than they do which also helps.

One of the nicest things one of my DSs ever said to me was that Santa was brilliant because even when he didn't know what he wanted, Santa would bring him things that turned out to be exactly what he would have asked for if he knew that those things existed...

Now obviously santa got the original credit but I know that it was me and that's good enough.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/07/2021 21:43

Ignore the he should be in school. He is 5 not 15...

My ds often objects to things been dumped on him ( what I call surprises)

I have learnt to give him the information he needs. No guessing games .

Take him along. He will learn he can enjoy things he doesn't realise

Good luck for the appointment too.

Backhills · 08/07/2021 21:43

He's allowed.to be disappointed. I think for a 5y he recovered exceptionlly well and I'm sure you'll both have a good time.

Original poster

PPAK2 · 08/07/2021 21:47

@Atalune

Someone above made a good point about recognising the apology and forgiving. That’s a valuable lesson.

Just rereading and picked up on this. I always say thank you for apologising and we usually have a hug (sometimes he asks if I still love him, and I always say of course etc). Then we just carry on with whatever. I don't hold grudges with him. So is that the same as forgiving? So for this example to actually forgive him do I have to take him to the exhibit? I think i was just thinking that, although I don't think he is spoilt, he can act it sometimes, and while yeah that's maybe fine now, I don't want him to grow up being that way... so I thought if I didn't take him he would see that acting like that doesn't get you what you want. Maybe I am thinking to far ahead/expecting too much. I will probably end up taking him anyway as I know he would enjoy it it was just his reaction that got me.

OP posts:

GiantToadstool · 08/07/2021 21:50

But he wasn't acting spoilt?

@Ravenspeckingontheroof this exactly.

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