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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

9yo DS unable to be at home!

77 replies

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 07/07/2021 16:35

9yo, high energy ds is currently in summer camp until 2pm. Once home he watches a bit of TV, has a snack and then, if tv/tablets are off limits, he wants to go out and play with friends nearby, no problem. However if they're not available - usually inside on screens - he's unable to come home and just be at home for a bit! He is literally sitting on their drive waiting for them rather then coming back in with me and DC2. Aibu to find this a bit odd? It's as if he's physically uncomfortable not having TV (or ipad which is weekends only) and his brother or I will play or chat to him, I'm very available as such. It's really only at bedtime that he'll take some down time to draw, colour and read.. Would you do anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 00:24

Thanks so much. He has a basketball hoop, I must encourage him to roll that out.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 08/07/2021 09:54

Hmm, if he was sitting on my drive I'd tell you I didn't mind at all, but I would not be telling you the truth!
He already out at a camp all morning (is this his choice?) it can't be that hard to keep him in your own premises for the afternoon. Or go out places with him and his sibling. Where I am it's still all organised play dates for 9 year olds, none of them play out alone - might be to do with the roads here though

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 10:39

Yes, we're on a safe cul de sac with a green. As I say I would tell children to go on home, he'd be over when ready or he's not coming out. They definitely don't mind as they are a very busy home and live mostly to the back of the house so probably don't even clock it. It's not about organising play dates tho or outings, it's about him being OK with doing nothing for a little while. I think that should be doable, and think it's important. And absolutely, yes, he's thrilled with his camp, I only book those that my dc want to do themselves.

OP posts:
Caspianberg · 08/07/2021 10:46

Could you all go off together to get outside a bit late afternoons? If he’s at camp until 2pm, maybe until 4pm at home to chill, then you all go out together for an hour or so nearby

Iggi999 · 08/07/2021 10:52

I'm just jealous OP as my 9 year old never goes anywhere without me in the holidays Grin
I do think if you have the morning free to be with the other sibling, it would be good to do something with him every other day in the afternoon.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 10:58

Iggi Grin He'd leave me for a stranger this one!! We do plenty, often take him off but these last few months I notice he is prioritising his peers, always loved mixing like I say. It's not so much entertainment at home he's looking for but just wants to be going all the time, with others.

OP posts:
AnUnoriginalUsername · 08/07/2021 11:16

Can you take him to the park instead of him just sitting in the house? It's a bit shit having to be indoors when you want to be outside

Clymene · 08/07/2021 11:30

You're choosing to prevent him from doing an activity that all his friends are doing. That's on you so it's up to you to do something else with him. Why is he going out without your permission anyway?

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 11:36

Having to be indoors until his friends are free, for a half hour or so, where I am available and he has plenty to do, is shit? Hmm While the rest of the time he gets to do all the things he loves, including some screen time and gaming in friend's house?! I'm not preventing from anything, I am restricting based on what I believe is best. I think it's a pity he can't entertain himself for short bouts.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 08/07/2021 11:39

So he goes round to a friend's house to do something you won't provide for him at home Smile Can't you see the irony? An hour a day of gaming wouldn't harm him would it?
It also could be the case that the friends are available in the morning, when he is at camp.

4PawsGood · 08/07/2021 11:43

My middle one is like this. He’ll occasionally make a Lego set, but apart from that he’s awful in the house. He’s being assessed for ADHD, although he’s not a clear cut case. He’s now 11 so I can send him on a bike ride/down to the park to see if anyone is there.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 11:44

Tbh, and maybe I'm not getting it across properly, my OP didn't have a lot to do with the pros and cons of gaming, it was just to do with his inability to just be for a little while.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 08/07/2021 11:48

Who does that though? Just "be"ing? I think you are expecting a lot! He's too young to take time to sit and smell the roses!
Gaming is coming up because of what he's wanting (social interaction) and because this is how many 9 year olds get it.
Children are just different as well, I've one who would sit and do a jigsaw and one who would never consider it. They grow past toys more quickly than I remember, too.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 11:50

By just being I mean busy himself in the house, I did it all the time as a child, ds2 does it - read, use the trampoline, play in the garden, draw, colour etc. Surely that's not too much to expect for a short period?

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 08/07/2021 12:16

By just being I mean busy himself in the house, I did it all the time as a child, ds2 does it - read, use the trampoline, play in the garden, draw, colour etc. Surely that's not too much to expect for a short period

Not too much to ask at all and at 9 I would expect them to be bored occasionally.

Have you thought of reaching him to cook?

My DS had the Usborne cookbook for boys. I started off getting him to choose a recipe and helping him to shop and cook.

Now as a teen he's a confident cook.

BothOfUs · 08/07/2021 12:29

How is he at school? Are the teachers worried about his attention?

If you feel there's something a bit different about him could he be neurodivergent e.g. ADHD? Or is he anxious? Sometimes needing constant distraction can be a way of escaping one's own thoughts.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 12:39

Yes I think there could be a bit of anxiety. He's doing very well academically. He can be prone to explosions at times, as I said a little dysregulated. He loves to bake independently and cooked with me from a young age but yesterday was the first time in ages he helped with the dinner. I appreciate the responses and it's helping me wonder a little but reassuring me in other ways.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 08/07/2021 12:49

God, I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who are concerned OP's son is not getting 'enough' screen time??!

OP just doesn't want him to rely on that as his main entertainment, which is a massive problem in loads of children nowadays in a way it never was before, I don't see how she's wrong and people are pushing her to let him on the Xbox or iPad?

What's wrong with him being encouraged to read or colour or play a game with OP, in the way she is doing?

I think it's great OP's son isn't sitting on a console/tablet whenever he is bored. He has plenty on offer to do if he wants to.

Clymene · 08/07/2021 13:28

I have had 9 year old boys and they didn't spend time reading or colouring or on the trampoline on their own. They played with Lego or gamed when they were on their own. Or they did coding or electronic kits or science kits.

I don't think anyone is saying that the OP must go out and get and Xbox immediately but I don't think the alternatives sound very appealing. In any event, he doesn't want to be on an Xbox. He wants to be out playing with his mates.

Original poster
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/07/2021 13:32

Yes, that is what he wants.
DH has told me I'm the same, that I get antsy round the house and always want a plan and to be heading out..

OP posts:
madmomma · 08/07/2021 13:37

Speaks volumes about the cognitive dissonance involved in modern parenting that OP is advised to give more screen time when she has time and motivation to spend with her son. Xboxes etc are great in small doses, but they're not helping healthy development are they, let alone shit like tiktok so let's not kid ourselves.

Ifitquacks · 08/07/2021 13:42

The child hasn’t even asked for more gaming time but people are telling the OP that that’s what she should be making him do?! So weird.
OP I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Sounds like he has a good balance of activities and just prefers being with his friends. I was the same as a kid.
The basketball hoop is a good idea. And helping with the cooking. It’s early days of the holidays too so he might settle down over the next couple of weeks.

Bibidy · 08/07/2021 14:02

@Clymene

I have had 9 year old boys and they didn't spend time reading or colouring or on the trampoline on their own. They played with Lego or gamed when they were on their own. Or they did coding or electronic kits or science kits.

I don't think anyone is saying that the OP must go out and get and Xbox immediately but I don't think the alternatives sound very appealing. In any event, he doesn't want to be on an Xbox. He wants to be out playing with his mates.

I appreciate that's not what OP's son wants, which is great, but I am just shocked at the amount of comments here saying OP is too strict or making him miss out just because she limits his exposure to screens. Especially because as you've said, and also someone above, it's not even what he's asking for?

Just surprised that the answer to getting him to spend some time at home has mainly been give him more tech, when OP is saying she'll play games with him, and he has plenty of other stuff at his disposal too. Sometimes it takes a bit of boredom to get kids to invest in new interests, I know that was the case with me. I used to spend loads of time drawing and reading when I was 9.

eddiemairswife · 08/07/2021 17:46

Children with basket balls and hoops can be a great irritant to the neighbours. Bounce, bounce, rattle. Bounce, bounce, rattle. Bounce, bounce, bounce. rattle.

Ifitquacks · 08/07/2021 17:54

@eddiemairswife

Children with basket balls and hoops can be a great irritant to the neighbours. Bounce, bounce, rattle. Bounce, bounce, rattle. Bounce, bounce, bounce. rattle.
Yeah you’re right. Cant have kids making kids noises in their garden. Better he’s sat in front of the x box.