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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm pregnant with #3 but sibling is struggling to conceive. I feel horrid.

51 replies

Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 12:33

We are expecting our third baby however it was unplanned, there was a contraception failure but we decided to proceed with the pregnancy (which began as twins but sadly one didn't develop)

I shared our news with my lovely brother when i reached 20 weeks, he was warm and supportive albeit shocked as we'd previously decided not to have any more. He then confided that he and SIL were going through fertility struggles and were desperate to be parents themselves.

I had no idea they were actively trying and feel awful for them, I also feel a sense of guilt, sadness about the unfairness and worried that this will put a strain on our relationship. I've read many a thread where families have been divided and friends lost over fertility struggles.

To make matters worse it turns out that the name we've chosen was on their list of possible baby names too Sad

I feel as though we should reconsider the name out of respect, or is that silly?

Not sure what I want from posting really, probably just to ask whether you think this has the potential to cause a rift?

Life is so unfair. It's always the people who would make incredible parents that go through that stuff. I don't feel half as deserving as they are.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 07/07/2021 12:35

You sound lovely. I'm sure you know that none of this is your fault and your pregnancy and their infertility are in no way connected.

I personally would change the name of the baby, because it would be kind. But you don't have to.

PurBal · 07/07/2021 12:37

Life is truly unfair! You’re being really considerate about their feelings. I wouldn’t change the baby’s name, your baby exists now. They may change their mind anyway, they may have a different sex if they do conceive and of course there’s a chance they won’t. All the best to you and your brother.

FriedasCarLoad · 07/07/2021 12:38

I think that leaving them their first choice of name, and choosing a different one for your baby, would be the really loving thing to do.

You sound like the kind of tactful person who'd hold back from bringing up the subject of your pregnancy too much, or from talking about it for too long

Moneypenny007 · 07/07/2021 12:39

We are in the same boat, although ours was planned. We are telling family and friends this weekend as we are over the 12 weeks. Dh's brother his partner are struggling for years and they know we were hoping to have baby no 3. It's so horrible knowing that it's going to hurt them as it's the last thing we would want.
I think just be gentle with them, that's all you can do. They might not be as excited about stuff. We are lucky in a way as bil lives on the other side of the world so it's not like they have to see me with a bump etc.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 12:39

They won’t want you to be thinking about how unfair it is you’re pregnant or what incredible parents they’d make or how undeserving you are. Try and knock that on the head now-it isn’t helpful. Don’t ever say that to them.

I doubt the name is going to be a huge deal unless it’s a family name with a special connection to them. I’d try and find that out (subtly) and if it is, consider using a different name.

The key thing is to give them space and be led by them about how involved they want to be while you’re pregnant and potentially have a newborn. It’s often much easier when the children are a bit older.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 07/07/2021 12:40

I personally would reconsider the name, even if they never end up using that name it would certainly show your brother you're considering them. I think it would be even more painful for them to be unable to get pregnant, find out about a close relative having a third baby (without even trying) and then call that baby the name they'd imagined their own child having.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 12:44

@Warrickdaviesasplates

I personally would reconsider the name, even if they never end up using that name it would certainly show your brother you're considering them. I think it would be even more painful for them to be unable to get pregnant, find out about a close relative having a third baby (without even trying) and then call that baby the name they'd imagined their own child having.
I’m in the brother’s position and I absolutely wouldn’t want someone to change a name out of “consideration” to me. I hate being in the position of needing consideration like that. I wouldn’t assume they would want that. Isn’t it only one of a list of names they might use if they fell pregnant?
Original poster
Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 12:47

Thank you for the replies, I definitely won't be offloading any of this (possibly very self pitying) stuff onto them.

With regards to the baby name - I'm not sure how significant it is to them or how high up on the list it was, just that it was a name they'd be considering.

I hadn't told them this but I always intended to give baby my brothers name as a middle name, but now I'm wondering whether they'll think that is me somehow over compensating for using one of their choices as a first name (even though I didn't know, obviously)

It feels like such a difficult situation and the guilt is awful.

We haven't spoken for a couple of weeks since I shared the news, which isn't unusual in itself, but I'm not sure whether they'll want to hear from me or not atm.

I've been sure to keep all things pregnancy related off social media and will be sure not to talk about the pregnancy to them, unless they ask ofc.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 12:50

With regards to the baby name - I'm not sure how significant it is to them or how high up on the list it was, just that it was a name they'd be considering.

How did it come up in conversation? How long was the list?

From the information you’ve given, I don’t think I’d be changing it.

Original poster
Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 12:54

I told him the name we'd chosen a few minutes after I shared the news and he'd said congratulations etc.

He then said that was a name they had on their list of possibilities too, then the conversation moved on to how they'd been struggling to conceive and we're about to start a certain treatment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 12:54

Were*

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 12:55

Do you think he was upset or do you think he was saying that as a way of saying he liked the name?

Original poster
Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 13:00

@PurpleDaisies

Do you think he was upset or do you think he was saying that as a way of saying he liked the name?
He didn't come across as upset but then knowing him, even if he was, he wouldn't make it obvious as he wouldn't want to put a dampner on things for me.

I'm really not sure how he/they feel about it behind closed doors nor would I know where to begin in breaching it with him to find out.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 07/07/2021 13:02

I'm sorry for the loss of one of your twins, that must be very hard. That's hard enough to deal with on top of a pregnancy hormones, too. Please don't feel bad. They might be taking time to process so might need some space but you've got enough to process. Call your little one whatever you want to call them .

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 13:02

I would just keep it then, unless something else happens to make you think it’s upsetting for them.

If it was the one name they’d chosen I’d seriously think about changing it but just one of a list-probably better not to, especially how you’ve said that’s the name you’re going to use.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 07/07/2021 13:02

Life is unfair but having been on the IVF journey I've always been pleased for my friends when they fell pregnant. Occasionally sad that it wasn't me too. Happily I have a teenager now.

I think just to be mindful of not too much baby talk but don't avoid the subject either. I wouldn't stress about the name but I would probably not discuss any further. Remember every child is a blessing and just because this baby is your third this is still true.

Babymamma192 · 07/07/2021 13:03

@louiston3 I was in this position. My sister and her husband were trying for a baby I already had a 6 month old dd and then found out I was pregnant. I felt awful because like you we weren't trying for another baby!

It was so hard to tell my sister and we had a little cry together and then I gave her some space.

She loves both my dds now and they love her so much too! She looks after them 2 mornings a week while I'm at work and she is the best Aunty to them!

I think it just takes time. Its a really emotional situation and I'd just give them a bit if space for now and see what happens.

Youdiditanyway · 07/07/2021 13:05

It’s sad but obviously not your fault and there’s nothing you can do to change their situation. I wouldn’t push the pregnancy on them, only tell them how things are going if they specifically ask.

My best friend has had endless fertility struggles and had a late miscarriage about 10 months before I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. I told her gently via text, also waited till 20 weeks as you have done. She was ok about it although I made sure I barely mentioned my pregnancy to her and she barely mentioned it either.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 13:07

For anyone reading this thread and finding themselves in the op’s position, it’s much much harder to find out about a pregnancy in person when you can’t conceive yourself. On the infertility boards, almost every poster wants to find out by text so they don’t have to react to what should be happy news with tears.

You absolutely haven’t done anything wrong op, you didn’t know they were struggling to conceive. It might be useful for others to bear in mind.

motogogo · 07/07/2021 13:07

I would suggest talking to him, say that if they would like you to not use that name you are fine with it, to discuss and let you know. I would also reiterate that you feel bad, the unfairness, but it might be you are overthinking the name and he can put you right.

MySharonavirus · 07/07/2021 13:08

That's a hard situation; I've been in a similar ish one and my SIL found it tough to be around my kids to the point that she actively avoided it for a long time. I would change the name to make it as easy as possible for your brother and SIL to be around your baby in the future x

MySharonavirus · 07/07/2021 13:08

My SIL found it tough even without a name complicating matters, I should say.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 13:08

@motogogo

I would suggest talking to him, say that if they would like you to not use that name you are fine with it, to discuss and let you know. I would also reiterate that you feel bad, the unfairness, but it might be you are overthinking the name and he can put you right.
That puts them in an awful position.

Do not reiterate the unfairness. No one wants to hear that. It might make the op feel better but it won’t help the couple at all,

Original poster
Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 13:10

We actually had the conversation via WhatsApp which is our usual method of communication, so I hope that made it a little easier to process.

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 07/07/2021 13:11

Do you know I think going with a different name would be a really understated way of showing them your supportive. Of course you don’t have to but I know personally it would be removing the salt from an already open wound.