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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm pregnant with #3 but sibling is struggling to conceive. I feel horrid.

51 replies

Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 12:33

We are expecting our third baby however it was unplanned, there was a contraception failure but we decided to proceed with the pregnancy (which began as twins but sadly one didn't develop)

I shared our news with my lovely brother when i reached 20 weeks, he was warm and supportive albeit shocked as we'd previously decided not to have any more. He then confided that he and SIL were going through fertility struggles and were desperate to be parents themselves.

I had no idea they were actively trying and feel awful for them, I also feel a sense of guilt, sadness about the unfairness and worried that this will put a strain on our relationship. I've read many a thread where families have been divided and friends lost over fertility struggles.

To make matters worse it turns out that the name we've chosen was on their list of possible baby names too

I feel as though we should reconsider the name out of respect, or is that silly?

Not sure what I want from posting really, probably just to ask whether you think this has the potential to cause a rift?

Life is so unfair. It's always the people who would make incredible parents that go through that stuff. I don't feel half as deserving as they are.

OP posts:

FreeBritnee · 07/07/2021 13:12

*you’re

GoingGently · 07/07/2021 13:12

I would consider changing the name (and it's really thoughtful of you to suggest that). If they do struggle to ever conceive, your baby may be a very painful reminder of what they might have had.

Odile13 · 07/07/2021 13:14

I think you sound very thoughtful and kind OP.

Re: the name, you might be overthinking it. All he said was that it was on their list of possibilities. They might have quite a few names on the list. If you have a close relationship perhaps you could ask him privately? But now you’ve told him, I think he will probably accept your choice and not want you to change it.

FreeBritnee · 07/07/2021 13:15

I’ll always remember Kate Middleton picked ‘our’ girls baby name soon after I lost that particular pregnancy (and subsequently found out it was a girl). Man was I mad at her. We’re just irrational beings during such sad times.

RowanAlong · 07/07/2021 13:19

Yes I’d pick another name. It’s a small thing given that you’ll soon have three of what they’re dreaming of...

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 13:19

@FreeBritnee

So sorry for your loss.

I was irrationally mad at Kate Middleton for being pregnant (all three times!).

I think this situation is a little different though because it’s one name from a list. They aren’t pregnant so might not even have a baby of the same sex. Under those circumstances, it puts them in a really awkward position if the op does change the name for them. They could well feel they should be grateful to her and have to respond to that, even though it was probably something they never expected her to do. It would be different if the op had said they were just thinking of calling the baby the name.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 13:21

How would those people saying to change the name go about telling the brother?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 07/07/2021 13:23

I have been on the other side of this....was struggling to conceive and a very close friend fell pregnant with her 3rd. She felt terrible and avoided seeing me for a while but as l said to her it wasn't her fault that it was such an unfair situation. I am sure your brother understands this too but it is horrible for everyone

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/07/2021 13:24

it's a tricky but you have nothing to be guilty about. you didn't have a baby out of spite!

about the name: they have only considered it so it's fair game.
especially if you really like it because they might like it now but could totally change their minds later.

which is what my sister did.
out of 7 babies we had 6 boys. so I kept on witholding using a name because my sister asked me to. for 13 years.

then she had a boy and picked a totally different name. 🙄🤬
ffs.
and because of that I'd never advise anyone to do the same as me. you like it, you use it. first comes, first served and tough cookies.

I hope they will be successful. they can always use it as a middle name

ThePlantsitter · 07/07/2021 13:24

Well, I wouldn't tell him necessarily. I might just talk about what we had decided on. I mean it might never happen, there might be no baby or it might be the wrong sex for the name or they might just decide against using it! I think I might just think of that name as being my very much wished for niece/nephew even if it never happened.

My sister I know avoided my Grandpa's name for her kids because she knew my imaginary baby was called that. She never said it though (and I had girls in the end anyway).

Original poster

Louiston3 · 07/07/2021 13:26

I'm so sorry for your loss FreeBritnee

I can totally understand the upset/anger towards another person for choosing 'your' name, that's why I'm considering changing it. Like a PP said it's (hopefully) removing the salt from a wound.

I'm not sure whether to discuss with dbro about changing the name or whether to casually say we just opted for a different name we liked better. Which would be kinder and less likely to cause offence/upset?

OP posts:

Time2b33 · 07/07/2021 13:26

You sound really lovely, thoughtful and caring and I wish they were more people like you in the world!

CaraherEIL · 07/07/2021 13:31

I think if you call the baby a name on their list and then your brothers name as the baby’s middle name that could cause a little bit of distress.
If you go with the first name you wanted then maybe don’t use your brothers first name as well. I am so sorry about the loss of your other twin.

Maray1967 · 07/07/2021 13:31

They might not use the name if they are successful, but I would change it for mine in any case, but I’d not link it in any way to their difficulties. I’d just say nothing now unless your DB asks and then if he comments later when baby is born or if it comes up in comments with your parents I’d be casual about it and say that you decided in the end on your original second choice as actually your DH liked that one better, or baby seems to suit it.
I have been in your SIL’s situation. It is very painful especially around the grandparents who are excited but also obviously careful when you’re around - very painful.

CaraherEIL · 07/07/2021 13:32

Do you have another name that was a close second that was not in the mix for your brother?

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 13:32

@Louiston3

I'm so sorry for your loss FreeBritnee

I can totally understand the upset/anger towards another person for choosing 'your' name, that's why I'm considering changing it. Like a PP said it's (hopefully) removing the salt from a wound.

This isn’t “their name” though. It’s one of a list. It’s not the same. I don’t agree that changing the name is taking salt out of the wound. They’re sad they’re not pregnant-the name has no bearing on that.

I am irrationally upset when other people get pregnant. That’s my issue to deal with though-not theirs.

If you are going to change the name, don’t tell them it’s because it was on their list. Do it because you want to, not because you think it will help them be less upset about their situation. It really won’t make any difference. Changing now could actually make them feel worse if they think you’ve done it because of them.

Time2b33 · 07/07/2021 13:36

@Maray1967

They might not use the name if they are successful, but I would change it for mine in any case, but I’d not link it in any way to their difficulties. I’d just say nothing now unless your DB asks and then if he comments later when baby is born or if it comes up in comments with your parents I’d be casual about it and say that you decided in the end on your original second choice as actually your DH liked that one better, or baby seems to suit it. I have been in your SIL’s situation. It is very painful especially around the grandparents who are excited but also obviously careful when you’re around - very painful.

I agree with this.

FreeBritnee · 07/07/2021 13:38

I would just say you decided on a different name and not make a big deal about it. I wouldn’t discuss it as obviously your brother will say not to be silly etc etc.

somanyncs · 07/07/2021 13:58

I have been in your DB and SIL's shoes (still am, actually). My DB and SIL are currently pregnant just after we lost our second pregnancy in a year.

We nod, smile, and congratulate, but it has been a bit tricky to navigate their joy and excitement with our fresh sense of loss. Through my parents, I have let them know that I rather don't want to hear stories about the pregnancy whenever we catch up, be sent pictures, etc., unless I ask about it. Sometimes it is just not the right day. And it is hard to respond appropriately 'in real life', when you wish you were just able to process news by yourself.

I would say to DB that you understand the news may be painful, and that you will take your cues from them on whether they want to be involved or not, hear about it, etc.

I normally don't think people can 'claim' baby names, but in this case I feel differently. Any way in which you can indicate that this baby is a completely different baby to the one they imagine themselves having, will help. Otherwise it just feels like you are having the baby that they so desperately want, get their preferred name, etc. A bit insult to injury. So yes, unless the name has particular sentimental value to you independent from 'just liking it', I would reconsider the name. (This would be enormously considerate on your part, and not something they can ever demand or expect.)

HoJo20 · 07/07/2021 14:07

i would chose another name, a small sacrifice to save their feelings. how about messaging and saying you have decided to save the name for them.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 14:08

@HoJo20

i would chose another name, a small sacrifice to save their feelings. how about messaging and saying you have decided to save the name for them.

How would you expect the couple to reply to a message like that?

HomerSimpsonsDonut · 07/07/2021 14:10

I have no advice OP but you sound so lovely and considerate. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I'm sending all my love and best wishes onto your brother too

notangelinajolie · 07/07/2021 14:19

Congratulations 💐
I'd be inclined to re think the name. Did he tell you the other names on his list? Because if not you run the risk of accidentally choosing another.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 14:19

Honestly, this thread is great for illustrating doing things which you think might be kind verses things which are actually kind.

how about messaging and saying you have decided to save the name for them.

That message would have me in floods trying to come up with a response. They might never have a child. They might not have a child of the same sex. They might want to use another name from the list. They might not want the op to change the name. They will feel they have to thank the op for her consideration when actually by emphasising the changing the name is for their benefit further links the op’s pregnancy with their inability to conceive.

It puts them in a horrible position.

sweetgingercat · 07/07/2021 14:36

You do sound lovely. I've been in your brother's position and it was a journey which involved all sorts of hopes and disappointments, some our own milestones, miscarriages mainly, and others to do with friends having babies, attending christenings and baby's birthdays, as more time passed without our own.

I think you should go ahead with the name you have chosen. We would not have wanted anyone to alter their own journey because of us, we had more than enough of our own emotions to deal with without other peoples' feelings of sorrow for us and as it happens we did go on to have our own dc. Your brother's journey is not over yet, they may or may not have a child, adopt, change their minds about being parents or simply change their minds about names.

What might be more meaningful and helpful to them would be to support them on their journey, be a sibling to talk to, help with any hospital visits that your brother can't attend and do things for your SIL that might ease any stress and anxiety. In time I hope you'll be doing things with their children too!

Good luck with your own...

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