Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

You haven't got time for me

59 replies

spanielstail · 07/07/2021 07:18

My husband has started to say he feels rejected as I don't make enough time for him and I'm clearly not interested in him.

For background, in the past when we have had rocky periods, one thing he's moaned at me for is that he doesn't get time alone and I don't have hobbies (I did have).

Post lockdown I have taken up a new sport which I'm enjoying and I've made a couple of friends so do it maybe twice a week now.

I also meet local friends for dog walks and once every two weeks I meet my friend for a hack on one of her horses.

We also live in the sticks so people like to visit us rather thane going to them.

Anyway he's saying we have to many visitors (maybe one a week) and I don't have time for him as I'm always either out of have someone over. I pointed out he previously complained of my lack of hobbies.

Last night i met a friend for a dog walk (I have a cocker and a viszla, they need big walks). We went out for 1 1/2 hours. He was upset when I got home as I had agreed to spend the evening with him & got in at 7:45 so the "evening had gone". Friend left work late and was an hour later than planned getting to my house so when I told him I was free all evening I envisioned being home by the time he was in from work.

The straw that broke the (husband) camel, was that he's just phoned me to check something & I asked if I could call him back in 5 minutes as I had scrambled eggs on toast in front of me that was going cold. He hung up saying it was another example of me not having time for him.

I'm at a loss. I don't want to not go to rowing or see my friends but I feel I either need to ration me going out or upset him. I also worry about irritating him by inviting people over.

He doesn't really go out as he works long hours and isn't very sociable.

OP posts:

Original poster

spanielstail · 07/07/2021 07:20

to add when I said last night I was out later because my friend left work late he said I was making excuses and blaming other people for my actions.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 07/07/2021 07:21

Does he bring any enhancement to your life?
Tbh with the friend yesterday - did you tell him in advance that you'd be back later because she was late (it's minor but it might have helped?)

Tell him to get a hobby?

dreamsarefree · 07/07/2021 07:22

I've been your DH in this situation and I can't explain to you how sad it feels when your partner is motivated to do all of that stuff and yet can't find five minutes for me when you need them. There is nothing wrong with filling your time with hobbies or visitors but if you don't want to forego it occasionally to spend time with your husband then I completely get where he is coming from.

gindreams · 07/07/2021 07:22

He reminds me of my incredibly controlling ex
Hence the ex part

Life is much better now

DonLewis · 07/07/2021 07:23

So, let me get this straight.

He asks for time alone, complains you have no hobbies. You go out more, get new hobbies and now he's complaining that you're never home?

Guess what? You can't do anything right. It's a form of control.

Do you like being married to him?

CowsEatingAtNight · 07/07/2021 07:34

What does he actually bring to your life apart from continual moaning?

VettiyaIruken · 07/07/2021 07:37

Sounds like he just wants you to be in the wrong no matter what you do

TheArtfulCodger · 07/07/2021 07:39

Apart from you being an hour late when you said you were free (you could have cut the walk to 1 hour and been home by 7.15) he sounds controlling. He will always find something to berate you for. You're around too much I don't get time to myself. You need hobbies. You're out too much, you don't give me enough attention. Your hobbies/friends are taking up too much time.

It's a game you can't win. You say he's antisocial, it sounds like he resents your social life. Is he keen to do stuff with you? Does he plan stuff for you both? Is he good company?

Imapotato · 07/07/2021 07:46

Life has taught me that men are mostly whiny old goats. You’re dammed if you do and you’re dammed if you don’t.

Just keep doing what you enjoy. Hopefully he’ll get over it in time, or find ways to amuse himself that don’t rely on you.

ChristmasFluff · 07/07/2021 07:49

I think he's controlling too - and also that you don't like him much. After all, the message of 'scrambled egg is more important than you' would be a hard one to take, I think, whether for a needy person or an abusive one.

But there's a reason you don't like him, and the ways he puts you in double-binds (this 'go away - come here' that he's doing is probably only one of many) is probably a large part of that.

At the very least, you do not sound well-matched, and unless you can both agree to go for counselling together, I think it's only a matter of time until you split. Reading your post, I think you've already come to that conclusion and are looking for validation of it.

Original poster

Spanielstail · 07/07/2021 07:51

I wasn't an hour late exactly as I hadn't given him a time. In my head I was going out early enough that I would be back when he got home but he didn't know that.

No he would never organise anything. I book national trust visits, days out etc. He doesn't do advanced planning. he might suggest a meal out sometimes but would think of it on the day he wanted to go.

He's generally lovely but this wearing. He looks genuinely upset and I hate upsetting him but dont feel I have something wrong. We tend to spend weekends together except maybe an hour on the times people visit about 2 evenings a week plus time once I'm in from rowing etc.

I feel stuck between letting down my mum who asks to visit and knowing he will complain about it or letting down a friend that wants walk but. Knowing that means I'm out "again"

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanielstail · 07/07/2021 07:54

After all, the message of 'scrambled egg is more important than you' would be a hard one to take, I think, whether for a needy person or an abusive one.

That's fair although the way I saw it was we can chat in 5 minutes with little issue but in 5 minutes my egg will be cold and inedible.

I love him immensely and definitely don't want to separate. I just find this frustrating and wondered if I was in the wrong if it makes him feel this way.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 07/07/2021 07:54

Why would you want to spend time with him when he sounds difficult and controlling? Yanbu at all

Backhills · 07/07/2021 07:58

The dynamic of the relationship is everything, but I can't imagine hanging up on anyone because of scrambled eggs, especially someone who had already tried to tell you they were feeling abandoned. Would you have done that to your mother or a friend? (I might have carried on eating whist on the phone though!).

I have a lot of interests and friends, which is good, but you do need to protect time with DH if you're going to be busy elsewhere. Once you knew how late the friend was going to be, you should have told them, never mind, another time, I have plans for after. Just like you would have done if you'd arranged to meet anyone other than DH.

Of course if you don't care how he feels, or he doesn't give you similar consideration none of this applies.

Michaelangelo467 · 07/07/2021 08:00

You won’t ever be able to get the right balance because he doesn’t want you to.

I’d suggest you keep your hobbies and friends, keep your social life going. Point out again and again that he told you to get a life and you have listened to him and acted on it.

The only thing I might suggest is ringfencing an evening for him so he knows you always have eg Thursday together.

sandgrown · 07/07/2021 08:09

My ex moaned I was never in but he never wanted to do anything but “hunker down” and watch TV and drink ( why pay pub prices when he could get a bottle of wine for the price of a pint!) I told him I enjoyed the social side of the pub. He too would never think to book a meal out or a holiday but enjoyed himself when he made the effort and I booked everything. He was just waiting to be an old man and we ended up separating.

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 08:19

He sounds very controlling.

He needed to be away from you for alone time but when you have given him that time he is unhappy too.

Hebis not a happy man who wants to control you.

Thank god you don't have children.

Think about the future you want, long and hard.

Well done for making friends and picking up a sport.

I think you are going to need that support.

Once a week is no amount of visitors.
Again very very controlling.

Time to ask him would it be better if you separate as he is clearly very unhappy.

I bet you he backs away and is very upset, calms down and then slowly starts the whole cycle again.

He doesn't want you happy, he wants to control you.

Flowers500 · 07/07/2021 08:27

Christ he sounds like a wet towel. I couldn’t put up with that, unless he got some therapy and I got some serious earplugs. No offence to him but he sounds like the kind of person who would just drag you down in life. Wouldn’t know joy if it danced in front of him.

Flowers500 · 07/07/2021 08:29

He wants you all to himself, so he can reject you and push you away. And then when you go away he can lash out at you and blame you, and demand you drop everything for him.

Sorry but he’s a twat. There’s nothing you can ever do to make him happy because the issue is not you, he needs to be a victim.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2021 08:32

@dreamsarefree

Seriously?

She had a visitor to the home pre-planned who was gone by 7.45pm, and she wanted to eat her scrambled eggs before attending to one of her husband's needs on the phone.

It sounds as if he wants an employee rather than a wife.

sonjadog · 07/07/2021 08:33

I think it is hard to say if he is exaggerating or not. If I was expecting to spend an evening with someone and they then went out until 7:45pm, I wouldn't be impressed. And then if they followed that by not even giving me 5 minutes on the phone I would be hurt.

MrsWooster · 07/07/2021 08:35

He sounds incredibly controlling.

burnoutbabe · 07/07/2021 08:39

I can't imagine telling someone to go away as I was eating like that. Surely you'd hear what the question was and then decide if you can answer in a sentence or it needed a much longer discussion which could be postponed.

5475878237NC · 07/07/2021 08:47

I agree it's hard to say. Ultimately though, if you want your marriage to last (assuming you do as you've posted here!) something does need to change as he isn't happy.

Now his unhappiness could have nothing to do with you and your marriage but it may have become the scapegoat ...going off Mumsnet men seem to blame their relationship whereas women seem to reflect more widely on what changes they need to make to feel more fulfilled in life. Blaming the spouse/marriage is an easier external focus as it means less personal responsibility for change.

You need to sit down and talk about it all and not let this surface stuff of the specific dog walk examples hide the issues.

gamerchick · 07/07/2021 08:54

Have you namechanged in the middle of your thread OP?

He doesn't seem to be giving clear measages. I think I'd be asking what he actually wants FFS. What does giving him time look like? He wanted time alone and now he gets that he's decided be doesn't?

Feeling insecure does suck a bit but whining about it, making it someone else's problem to fix rather than being proactive is a right turn off. Why can't he suggest things to do together instead of moaning?

Flip

1 2 3