You haven't got time for me

[spanielstail]

My husband has started to say he feels rejected as I don't make enough time for him and I'm clearly not interested in him.

For background, in the past when we have had rocky periods, one thing he's moaned at me for is that he doesn't get time alone and I don't have hobbies (I did have).

Post lockdown I have taken up a new sport which I'm enjoying and I've made a couple of friends so do it maybe twice a week now.

I also meet local friends for dog walks and once every two weeks I meet my friend for a hack on one of her horses.

We also live in the sticks so people like to visit us rather thane going to them.

Anyway he's saying we have to many visitors (maybe one a week) and I don't have time for him as I'm always either out of have someone over. I pointed out he previously complained of my lack of hobbies.

Last night i met a friend for a dog walk (I have a cocker and a viszla, they need big walks). We went out for 1 1/2 hours. He was upset when I got home as I had agreed to spend the evening with him & got in at 7:45 so the "evening had gone". Friend left work late and was an hour later than planned getting to my house so when I told him I was free all evening I envisioned being home by the time he was in from work.

The straw that broke the (husband) camel, was that he's just phoned me to check something & I asked if I could call him back in 5 minutes as I had scrambled eggs on toast in front of me that was going cold. He hung up saying it was another example of me not having time for him.

I'm at a loss. I don't want to not go to rowing or see my friends but I feel I either need to ration me going out or upset him. I also worry about irritating him by inviting people over.

He doesn't really go out as he works long hours and isn't very sociable.

I don't think he sounds incredibly controlling - but what does he do with his time? Does he see his friends? Is he waiting around on you?

I might approach this as 'We need to discuss what we can both do to balance up what we each feel we need from life'

yup, we literally never sit on the sofa and watch TV all evening.

How much time do you spend together? Just the 2 of you without doing anything else in a week.

Everything seems to be about you doing something else and he is there.

Why would he say you have too many visitors if friends only come to dinner once per month and your mother only makes an hour round trip to visit for an hour periodically

Octopuscake

yup, we literally never sit on the sofa and watch TV all evening

Neither do we but I find that it relaxes people and the best talks we have whether it is with dc or Dh is when something mindless is on tv and we start to talk and gradually the volume is turned down.

When do people talk if not sitting on the sofa

@Bythemillpond

Octopuscake

yup, we literally never sit on the sofa and watch TV all evening

Neither do we but I find that it relaxes people and the best talks we have whether it is with dc or Dh is when something mindless is on tv and we start to talk and gradually the volume is turned down.

When do people talk if not sitting on the sofa

Eating dinner, usually. Or out for a walk.

CowsEatingAtNight

We don’t eat together because we are never in the house for food at the same time and I have tried walking and talking and you miss the face to face contact and the slight flickers that go across people’s faces that you read and know if someone is saying something for your own benefit rather than what they really want.
Sometimes you want a chat with just one person not the whole family.

@Bythemillpond

CowsEatingAtNight

We don’t eat together because we are never in the house for food at the same time and I have tried walking and talking and you miss the face to face contact and the slight flickers that go across people’s faces that you read and know if someone is saying something for your own benefit rather than what they really want.
Sometimes you want a chat with just one person not the whole family.

I'd really miss not ever eating with DH -- it's nice, when we can, to cook together and have a drink and talk.

Isn't sitting on the sofa watching TV subject to the same problem as walking and talking, though -- assuming you're both facing the TV, aren't you also not looking at one another, hence not able to see expressions etc?

CowsEatingAtNight

Tv might be on in the background but if we talk we do face one another and sort of sit at a 45degree angle.

Dh spent 2-3 weeks per month away on work assignments and I hate cooking so the last place you would find me is in the kitchen and I don’t drink so that barrier isn’t broken down by alcohol.
It takes me a lot to relax and get talking so the tv is a way to relax and get my mind in a place to have a chat.

@Spanielstail

Spanielstail Wed 07-Jul-21 07:18:26
My husband has started to say he feels rejected as I don't make enough time for him and I'm clearly not interested in him.

Wondering, ARE you interested in him? Or is he right? Do you find him dull? Maybe you are a bit absent/brusque/ excluding when speaking with him? Maybe it isn’t time together, per se, but quality of connection that is causing dissatisfaction, perhaps. He might be lonely, because he works a lot and is unsociable, and might need some form of attention/interaction that he isn’t quite finding with you.