You haven't got time for me

[spanielstail]

My husband has started to say he feels rejected as I don't make enough time for him and I'm clearly not interested in him.

For background, in the past when we have had rocky periods, one thing he's moaned at me for is that he doesn't get time alone and I don't have hobbies (I did have).

Post lockdown I have taken up a new sport which I'm enjoying and I've made a couple of friends so do it maybe twice a week now.

I also meet local friends for dog walks and once every two weeks I meet my friend for a hack on one of her horses.

We also live in the sticks so people like to visit us rather thane going to them.

Anyway he's saying we have to many visitors (maybe one a week) and I don't have time for him as I'm always either out of have someone over. I pointed out he previously complained of my lack of hobbies.

Last night i met a friend for a dog walk (I have a cocker and a viszla, they need big walks). We went out for 1 1/2 hours. He was upset when I got home as I had agreed to spend the evening with him & got in at 7:45 so the "evening had gone". Friend left work late and was an hour later than planned getting to my house so when I told him I was free all evening I envisioned being home by the time he was in from work.

The straw that broke the (husband) camel, was that he's just phoned me to check something & I asked if I could call him back in 5 minutes as I had scrambled eggs on toast in front of me that was going cold. He hung up saying it was another example of me not having time for him.

I'm at a loss. I don't want to not go to rowing or see my friends but I feel I either need to ration me going out or upset him. I also worry about irritating him by inviting people over.

He doesn't really go out as he works long hours and isn't very sociable.

I think it is hard to draw any conclusions, as you mention what you don’t do with your husband but you don’t mention what you do with him. I don’t know how other people can conclude he is controlling without knowing what time you spend together.

I have seen plenty of threads were the man goes to work and does hobbies three days a week and he is usually deemed unreasonable.

@sonjadog

I think it is hard to say if he is exaggerating or not. If I was expecting to spend an evening with someone and they then went out until 7:45pm, I wouldn't be impressed. And then if they followed that by not even giving me 5 minutes on the phone I would be hurt.

But 'expecting to spend an evening with someone' is a pretty stagy way of describing it when it's a matter of being at home with your spouse (unless this is an incredibly rare occasion, which it clearly isn't) -- it would have been another matter if the OP's DH had plans for the two of them for the evening, or had made dinner timed to the original timings, but by the sound of things, he just wanted her home and sitting on the sofa. Which, with someone that whiny and dull, sounds a real treat.

And the OP was out doing a household chore, walking two large dogs -- not dancing on tables. She just chooses to share a chore with a friend because she's sociable, which made her later, as sometimes happens when you involve another person. She rows twice a week, and they have a visitor approximately once a week, so meeting a friend to dogwalk hardly sounds like being a social butterfly who is never at home. Especially if he also complains about her mum visiting!

Have you asked him what he actually wants from the solo time he's so anxious you give him, OP? What exactly does he want to do when you're at home together? Are any of these time-specific, like him making a dinner that will spoil easily, or he wants to go out somewhere together? Does he like to talk to you (especially as he doesn't sound as if he has any friends)? Do you have blistering sex???

Or does he just want someone to sit on the sofa next to him while he channel surfs?

I used to know a married couple (with children) where the wife was comparatively sociable, went wild swimming once a week, saw a friend once a week or so, and had a craft hobby that involved a weekend day every month or two. Her husband was someone low-energy who didn't have a single friend he kept in contact with and never left the house after he came in from work, but resented her going out because then he had to stir himself to look after the children (who were tweens and teenagers). Having to leave the house on one of her monthly/bimonthly weekend hobby days to take them to a swimming lesson or to a friend's house elicited huge amounts of sighing and moaning.

They're now divorced. She seems happier, as she is able to be her social self without him reproaching her and looks like a new woman. He moved a few streets away, and spends all his time surfing the internet by himself. He's apparently starting to date again, so unless he actually advertises for a recluse, I anticipate the same pattern repeating himself.

I see this in a friend who got divorced from a controlling ex.

All her friends were there for her before and during her break up Even putting petrol in her car, lending her money to keep going when he left her high and dry with 3 children and encouraged her to get out more when it was all over but now she has no time for any of her old friends. It’s like she has been seduced by all the freedom and new exciting friendships that we have been left with the crumbs

I know one person who blocked her when she said she would call at a certain time as she would be in the car on her way to see her new friend 15 minutes later

I can understand why your Dh is a little upset.

Your friend was an hour late but you waited, your Dh wanted a few minutes and you wouldn’t wait.

You say you are together all weekend but then say you invite friends over. Even just for an hour breaks up the time you are together
I can understand why your Dh is upset and it isn’t about him being controlling bit bout him being genuinely upset that you are never there.
There is a happy medium but that means not having your friends walk all over you and allocating your time better

@Bythemillpond

I see this in a friend who got divorced from a controlling ex.

All her friends were there for her before and during her break up Even putting petrol in her car, lending her money to keep going when he left her high and dry with 3 children and encouraged her to get out more when it was all over but now she has no time for any of her old friends. It’s like she has been seduced by all the freedom and new exciting friendships that we have been left with the crumbs

I know one person who blocked her when she said she would call at a certain time as she would be in the car on her way to see her new friend 15 minutes later

I can understand why your Dh is a little upset.

Your friend was an hour late but you waited, your Dh wanted a few minutes and you wouldn’t wait.

You say you are together all weekend but then say you invite friends over. Even just for an hour breaks up the time you are together
I can understand why your Dh is upset and it isn’t about him being controlling bit bout him being genuinely upset that you are never there.
There is a happy medium but that means not having your friends walk all over you and allocating your time better

She isn't never there and who could blame her if she wasn't. First he tells her to get some hobbies so she does and now he's whingeing he doesn't see her enough. Seems whatever she does she can't win

He made a point of wanting alone time and not getting it.
Now he gets a bit and is still whinging.

Ergo, he is a whinge.

I'm glad the OP has friends.

If you are out walking the dog one evening per week, rowing 2 evenings per week and inviting friends over at the weekend
I m having a hard time believing that if you live in the sticks and it must take the friends a bit of time to get to you that they only stay for an hour and it sounds like they come round on Saturday as well as Sunday night
That only leaves 2 nights per week free

What is wrong just sitting on the sofa with your husband and watching tv and chatting. That is the basis of any relationship. Why does your Dh have to make grandiose plans in order for you to make time for him

InDogBeersIveOnlyHadOne

Yes he encouraged her to get a hobby which takes place on 2 nights per week. But it is the other 3 nights that are now in the mix that is causing the issues.

We encouraged our friend to get out more.
We didn’t expect her to turn round and tell us she could fit us in between going from one new friend to the other.
If you can’t see that I am assuming it is one of those threads where the man is always in the wrong.

Sitting on the sofa with my husband watching TV and chatting certainly isn't the basis of my relationship, @Bythemillpond. In my book, that's what you do if only you're too exhausted or unwell to do anything else, if you're recovering from some kind of massive period of activity or a big work deadline, or if the weather is awful. Possibly if you're both galvanised by some TV series which you're only watching together, and even then I'd only be likely to be starting that kind of thing about around 10 pm, so there's still a lot of evening before that.

And your situation with your friend doesn't have any bearing on the OP's situation at all.

An obvious suggestion is: make some time for him! Show you are listening. He doesn't sound like he is behaving very well but none of us copes all the time without sometimes feeling sorry for ourselves and irrationally emotional towards our partners.

Say to him: sorry you've felt neglected. Let's have a lovely dinner together tonight and why don't you also come on a long dog walk with me tomorrow so we can get some fresh air and exercise and have a good chat about some plans for things we'd like to do together this summer - maybe a weekend away or some days out or a joint DIY project?

Once you have given him soem time and attention, you could open the discussion that he used ot complain you had no life and now he complains you do have a life, and long term, it won't work if he treats you like some neutral creature that has to react to his latest emotional whim - active when he needs you out of the way and attentive when he wants you around. You love your hobbies, your friends, your life and he needs to establish an equally healthy balance, and you both need to spend fun time together too - as a couple and socially. If he is reasonable, this will work.

He sounds horribly controlling.

It’s the changing his mind between wanting less time with you and wanting more that gives him away. He obviously wants to keep you insecure and on your toes, he doesn’t want you to find a balance and feel settled and happy.

Hmm. You could have put him on loudspeaker while eating your eggs.

How much quality time do you actually give him? I don’t mean sitting beside him watching TV/reading a book or whatever but how much time do you actually have for each other to talk/laugh or whatever?

I’m only asking because I feel similarly about my DH. Different situation though, we have young DC so a lot of our life is taken up by them and DH works FT but he wastes a lot of the limited time we have together alone on his phone which fucks me off to no end.

@Bythemillpond

If you are out walking the dog one evening per week, rowing 2 evenings per week and inviting friends over at the weekend I m having a hard time believing that if you live in the sticks and it must take the friends a bit of time to get to you that they only stay for an hour and it sounds like they come round on Saturday as well as Sunday night That only leaves 2 nights per week free

What is wrong just sitting on the sofa with your husband and watching tv and chatting. That is the basis of any relationship. Why does your Dh have to make grandiose plans in order for you to make time for him

But dog walking and rowing don't take up all evening. OP was back by 7.45! That's time enough to have a lovely long evening together if he wasn't in a sulk. DH and I used to spend every evening of the sofa in front of TV then I started exercising several nights a week. He doesn't object. We just eat dinner later, watch TV after I have showered, or don't watch it at all on those evenings. I'm a happier, healthier, fitter, stronger person in better shape and he likes all that. OP's husband is finding reasons to feel sorry for himself. He needs a bit of love and attention but he definitely doesn't need her to give up a perfectly reasonable and balanced social life.

@Cowbells

An obvious suggestion is: make some time for him! Show you are listening. He doesn't sound like he is behaving very well but none of us copes all the time without sometimes feeling sorry for ourselves and irrationally emotional towards our partners.

Say to him: sorry you've felt neglected. Let's have a lovely dinner together tonight and why don't you also come on a long dog walk with me tomorrow so we can get some fresh air and exercise and have a good chat about some plans for things we'd like to do together this summer - maybe a weekend away or some days out or a joint DIY project?

Once you have given him soem time and attention, you could open the discussion that he used ot complain you had no life and now he complains you do have a life, and long term, it won't work if he treats you like some neutral creature that has to react to his latest emotional whim - active when he needs you out of the way and attentive when he wants you around. You love your hobbies, your friends, your life and he needs to establish an equally healthy balance, and you both need to spend fun time together too - as a couple and socially. If he is reasonable, this will work.

That's a genuinely nice post, @Cowbells and I approve of posters with bovine-related names but quite a lot of me is thinking 'What is the OP's DH doing to want to make her spend time with him?'

Because if his idea of 'spending time together' is sitting in silence on the sofa, possibly interspersed with whingeing about his neglect, I can see why it's not an appealing prospect.

He sounds a bit if a tit tbh.
DH phoned yesterday just as I was having my dinner, when I told him he said no problem speak later. Because he's not a needy whinge and knew I didn't want a cold dinner.
It's different if its urgent, rather than phoning for a chat.

CowsEatingAtNight

Sitting on the sofa with my husband watching TV and chatting certainly isn't the basis of my relationship

So if chatting to your Dh isn’t the basis of your relationship what is? Don’t you discuss anything? Don’t you talk?

But dog walking and rowing don't take up all evening. OP was back by 7.45! That's time enough to have a lovely long evening together if he wasn't in a sulk

It depends when you go to bed. My Dh used to be in bed by 9pm

Sometimes you need a whole evening to relax in each other’s company and really start to talk to one another. You can’t just go from coming in from dog walking to relaxing on the sofa. It takes time. Maybe it is just me but coming in at 7.45pm I wouldn’t be in the zone to relax on the sofa for at least 45 minutes -1 hour. Neither can I talk to someone about anything I wanted to discuss immediately they have walked in the door. It takes time to get to that point.
Atm I don’t think there is the time.

Are there weekdays where you don't have any hobbies? If you can find two evenings a week that you don't book anything else on, tell him that he's responsible for deciding what you both do on one day, and you on the other. Make it clear that you want to spend time with him, but you'll get bored pretty quickly if it's always watching TV.

Thanks all. It's really interesting to hear replies.

Clarifying points.

I walk the dogs every day twice a day. Mornings on my own. Evenings either husband comes with me or I go alone. He's always welcome to come, often chooses not to.

I meet a friend for a walk maybe once every two weeks. I would be walking anyway.

I row Monday and Wednesday nights and I'm out 6-8 ish.

I ride Sunday morning 10-12 every other week.

My mum visits periodically and only stays an hour or so as she lives 30 minutes away. Other friends maybe stay a whole evening for dinner as they have come a distance. That's maybe once a month.

When together we spend Saturdays cycling/ going for 10 + mile walks with the dogs (so out for hours) with either picnic or pub lunch. We are renovating an old farmhouse so we spend time together doing that. We garden together. Every evening except the aformentioned ones,we watch TV/ read/ water the plants etc usually together/ around each other.

@Bythemillpond

CowsEatingAtNight

Sitting on the sofa with my husband watching TV and chatting certainly isn't the basis of my relationship

So if chatting to your Dh isn’t the basis of your relationship what is? Don’t you discuss anything? Don’t you talk?

Of course we talk, but not watching TV on the sofa -- what an odd assumption that this is some kind of baseline for married conversation. We are taming a huge, new jungly garden, so do a fair amount of talking when we're clearing at the moment, or if DS is out with friends as he's too young to stay home alone, we go for a run together and chat in the flatter bits. If I'm watching TV I'm usually concentrating on it.

@thepeopleversuswork if this was the other way around from a gender point of view and a husband prioritised what he was doing over talking to his DW then he would be the controlling/abusive one

Ultimately OP it sounds like you're more motivated to do other stuff than spend time with your DH and that's fine, if he thinks differently then you have an issue. He might always have an issue with whatever you are doing but only you can figure that out...

I genuinely can't decide if he is the type that just is never happy

Or OP is the type to be a bit Passive aggressive. He said he wanted time on his own, so she has swung the other way in a 'oh you want time without me....I will make sure I barely spend anytime with you'

Because I have seen both behaviours in people.

I think it sounds a good balance from your last update, he sounds a bore that just wants you in the house.
Maybe he could suggest things to do instead of whining.

He does sound moaning, but:

Friend left work late and was an hour later than planned getting to my house so when I told him I was free all evening I envisioned being home by the time he was in from work

So you made a significant adjustment to the arrangement with your friend to accommodate her lateness rather than protecting the boundary of your evening. It’s possible that I would have said to friend “I need to be back for x time” so gone for a shorter walk to accommodate her lateness.

You say you have dogs… are they his too? Arrange to walk them with him sometimes instead of always with other people? If he refuses this you know he is just being moany.

Do you both have jobs outside the home / or wfh?

He might feel that he is at work all week and when he comes home you are rarely there.

How do you feel about him? Are you wanting to spend quality time with him? Or not? Do you have any shared interests or activities or good times?

Arrange to walk them with him sometimes instead of always with other people? If he refuses this you know he is just being moany.

Haven't you read the OP's updates (not highlighted because she's namechanged slightly on the thread)? She says she walks the dogs twice a day, once alone in the mornings and again in the evenings, when he's always welcome to come with her but often chooses not to.

She only dogwalks with a friend once a fortnight. Every single other night he's invited.

Given the updates he just seems to be a bit of a winger.

To me it boils down to: did you tell him you'd be later because of your friend. Knowing he was being pathetically a bit needy, you might have been a bit more diplomatic about scrambled eggs.