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Original poster

The mental and emotional load of motherhood...

69 replies

babyblues21 · 06/07/2021 22:36

How do other mums cope with this? We have a 12 week old baby. My partner is helpful in a practical sense - he comes from work and he cracks on with stuff like washing up, making tea, etc. If I make it known that I'm stressed, he will ask if I need some help etc. But... I just feel that I alone carry the mental and emotional load of it all. Questions and anxieties such as ... Is she hungry? Is she tired? Is she overstimulated? Is she under stimulated? Is she cold? Is she hot? Does she need a cuddle? Does she need more clothes ordering? More toys? We didn't go out for a walk today ... am I bad mummy? Am I failing her? Etc etc etc ..... Questions and worries like this circulate my mind daily. I know for a fact they do not circulate my partner's.

Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe I'm asking why? Why do we carry this as mums, and why don't dads? And how do other mums cope with it? I am starting to resent that I carry this alone whilst he doesn't. And I'm starting to feel very alone with it all. Sad

OP posts:
HarrietHairbrush · 06/07/2021 22:38

So sorry to hear you’re feeling like this

HarrietHairbrush · 06/07/2021 22:39

How do we cope? We get used to the burden. Your bandwidth changes: you just keep things in your head.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2021 22:39

You sound quite anxious and stressed. Some of that’s normal but if you’re struggling please have a chat with your GP or HV Flowers

oliverjake · 06/07/2021 22:41

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mumof2exhausted · 06/07/2021 22:44

I need to change my name as now a mum of 3 and the “mother’s load” is exhausting and honestly increases as they get older / you have more babies. Sounds like your husband is great though. I did all cooking / cleaning etc when I had my first - was so obsessed about being a domestic goddess as well as mother. I stopped that shit when my second came and we share the practical load but I know the other stuff is still all down to me.

Overthinker19 · 06/07/2021 22:45

You learn to cope as these are all normal thoughts that come with the new responsibility. However you have to keep perspective (eg no you are not a bad mum for not going out) and you must also communicate your feelings with your partner and ask for help. It’s new to them too.

kindaclassy · 06/07/2021 22:45

Why do we carry this as mums, and why don't dads?

It's normal to feel anxious, but it's really not a mum vs dad thing.
I guarantee you that most parents won't be worried about toys for a 12 weeks old, or their clothes: if you feel you have to rush to do an emergency wash, you don't have enough. Otherwise you are fine.

You need to have a chat with your GP, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Original poster
babyblues21 · 06/07/2021 22:47

@kindaclassy

Why do we carry this as mums, and why don't dads?

It's normal to feel anxious, but it's really not a mum vs dad thing.
I guarantee you that most parents won't be worried about toys for a 12 weeks old, or their clothes: if you feel you have to rush to do an emergency wash, you don't have enough. Otherwise you are fine.

You need to have a chat with your GP, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Do most mums not worry about clothes and toys for their baby? I assumed this was normal. 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 06/07/2021 22:48

@AnneLovesGilbert

You sound quite anxious and stressed. Some of that’s normal but if you’re struggling please have a chat with your GP or HV Flowers
I do have some struggles that I'm getting help with, yes... my anxiety is quite high at the moment Sad
OP posts:
Horehound · 06/07/2021 22:49

You begin to notice the signs and find routines so you don't need to think of all the different scenarios. But I guess it's historical women best the brunt of the life admin stuff.

Can you get some help from family or friends? It's a really exhausting time and it's also worth noting that from what we grow up to believe is meant to be a special, magical, happy and rewarding time can actually be miserable, testing, trying, hard work, a shock to the system, dynamics change in relationship etc etc.

Flowers and Brew for you.

Mistyplanet · 06/07/2021 22:49

Just being patient with everything. And believing every little thing you do counts and you'll be rewarded for it. In my religion Islam the mother has a high status because of the burden child rearing takes on her. It says the mother bears her child upon weakness upon weakness and thats true. You feek weak mentally and physically yet you still go on. We believe mothers will be rewarded highly for what they do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2021 22:49

Toys? No, not at 12 weeks.

And clothes, only that enough were clean and dry as I had a 3+ times a day puker.

Packs of sleeveless vests and sleep suits from the supermarket.

Horehound · 06/07/2021 22:53

It could also benefit you to just turn your worry questions around
Instead of "do I need to order more clothes?" It could be "will it really matter if don't order clothes today?"
Do not worry about toys. Babies can be stimulated from very some things. I got an empty water bottle and put bits of pipe cleaners and glittery bits and tissue paper balls on one and my son was mesmerized. You don't need to buy many toys right now really at all.
If you look on the BBC iPlayer and search for the baby club, go to season 1 and watch an episode or two a day with your baby. They have a "what's in the bag" segment and can give you good ideas on just normal household things to show your baby and talk about with etc

NiceGerbil · 06/07/2021 22:54

I've never been a baby person. I found it very hard. I had PND which didn't help.

I always knew that I would enjoy it when they were bigger- able to communicate and have a bit of a conversation and they wouldn't be you know. Totally irrational!

They're 12 and 14 now and it's been brilliant essentially since they could tell me what they wanted and wipe their own bums!

My point being. That they grow fast and any bits you struggle with will pass.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2021 22:54

Good to hear you’re getting help OP. If the burden feels too great you might have a bit of PND or PNA, many many new mums do, and there are things that can help you.

Does your partner know how you’re feeling?

I remember very clearly about 5 days after she was born sobbing on DH’s shoulder and asking if the feeling of such huge responsibility would ease (he had two already) and he said no but you get used to it. I think it was hormones and a traumatic birth just got to me suddenly.

But I didn’t worry at all about clothes or toys. I embraced the fourth trimester and was lucky she slept a lot for the first few months while I recovered.

NiceGerbil · 06/07/2021 22:55

You do sound anxious though.

A 3 month old doesn't need any stimulation apart from being cuddled, tickled, a soft toy or similar dangled. Maybe some keys jangled. Hard to remember. Is that the stage they get hypnotised by light fittings?!

Awrite · 06/07/2021 22:56

I don't think I worried about any of that. My worries always centred on safety and potential illness.

I was a single parent until dc1 was 12 months old. If dh wanted to be part of the family, he needed to earn it. He did.

Now that the kids are older, we split the mental load. He does all uniform and lunch stuff. He communicates with the schools and childminder.

We did have a conversation about mental load (thanks Mumsnet) and as a functioning and fair adult, he saw the need to share it.

kindaclassy · 06/07/2021 22:56

Do most mums not worry about clothes and toys for their baby? I assumed this was normal.

Very honestly? no!

You are not doing anything wrong and you must be a great mum, but really, you are torturing yourself unnecessarily.

Moomala · 06/07/2021 22:57

Some anxiety for new mum is normal but if it starts affecting you regularly speak to a gp..what you've said reminds me how I was with my first. I thought it was just normal because of everything being new but after 9 months it didn't get better just got worse and I started getting paranoid about stupid things. I went to the gp finally and it really helped in the long run.

Original poster
babyblues21 · 06/07/2021 22:57

@NiceGerbil

You do sound anxious though.

A 3 month old doesn't need any stimulation apart from being cuddled, tickled, a soft toy or similar dangled. Maybe some keys jangled. Hard to remember. Is that the stage they get hypnotised by light fittings?!

Yea she loves the light fittings 😂
OP posts:
Youarenothere · 06/07/2021 22:58

Having a baby is overwhelming, it’s a complete upheaval of your previous life. Everything seems like a challenge because you’re just getting used to the new normal, you will adjust. Although I’m not a routine person, my 3 month old eats every 3 hours and only stays awake for 1.5hours before she needs a nap, that’s pretty much all there is to keep her happy, along with lots of cuddles of course. Clothes and toys, don’t worry about it. She’s my second though so am used to the relentless responsibility.

Attheendofthedaywhenallsaid · 06/07/2021 22:59

There is loads you can worry about! and yes you will think of these things, your partner probably won't.
However - all these concerns are not a big deal IF:
You get your sleep. and you get breaks from the baby (a movie, a walk, visit a friend family, cinema etc etc)
Dont obsess you will go mad xxx

NiceGerbil · 06/07/2021 22:59

Clothes = babygro is perfect. They don't know what clothes they're wearing!

I think it was feel chest to see if too hot or cold? Long time ago!

And it's normal for babies to cry and parents to be baffled as to what the problem is. Usually were tired or wanted a cuddle iirc

Original poster
babyblues21 · 06/07/2021 22:59

@AnneLovesGilbert

Toys? No, not at 12 weeks.

And clothes, only that enough were clean and dry as I had a 3+ times a day puker.

Packs of sleeveless vests and sleep suits from the supermarket.

The HV once said to me when I questioned whether I was a good enough mum "well you're up and dressed, baby is dressed and clean, and it's mid morning. I'd say you're doing well". Since then I've got it into my head that not having my baby dressed in actual clothes by lunchtime (as opposed to a sleep suit) equals I'm a bad mumConfused
(Typing that has made me realise just how irrational it is ..... Sad)

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2021 23:01

I expect she meant dressed, as in any clothes ie a clean sleep suit instead of a dirty nappy.

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