The mental and emotional load of motherhood...

[babyblues21]

How do other mums cope with this? We have a 12 week old baby. My partner is helpful in a practical sense - he comes from work and he cracks on with stuff like washing up, making tea, etc. If I make it known that I'm stressed, he will ask if I need some help etc. But... I just feel that I alone carry the mental and emotional load of it all. Questions and anxieties such as ... Is she hungry? Is she tired? Is she overstimulated? Is she under stimulated? Is she cold? Is she hot? Does she need a cuddle? Does she need more clothes ordering? More toys? We didn't go out for a walk today ... am I bad mummy? Am I failing her? Etc etc etc ..... Questions and worries like this circulate my mind daily. I know for a fact they do not circulate my partner's.

Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe I'm asking why? Why do we carry this as mums, and why don't dads? And how do other mums cope with it? I am starting to resent that I carry this alone whilst he doesn't. And I'm starting to feel very alone with it all.

Isn’t it early days for mental load issues. The first 6 months is basic firefighting. If he is doing practical tasks then you are half way there IMO. As there are more things to arrange further sit down and divide the tasks. One person sorts childcare, another online shopping etc.
Set a very low bar for everyday at the moment, I used view doing one household chore or having a bath as a successful day!

It's not unreasonable at all to ask for someone to share the mental load but you seem to be making it unnecessarily heavy. I appreciate it might well be linked to anxiety, but you can't then blame him for not being as anxious about it all as you are.

Until your anxiety is managed you aren't going to able to successfully judge if he is carrying enough of the mental load.

Currently you don't have a functioning benchmark for the mental load actually is.

I'm not clear if you are getting any breaks without your dc, even small ones?

Getting your DH to take full responsibility for dc even for 30 minutes would help with him starting to understand what babies needs actually are and how to think about meeting them.

@user1471462428

Isn’t it early days for mental load issues. The first 6 months is basic firefighting. If he is doing practical tasks then you are half way there IMO. As there are more things to arrange further sit down and divide the tasks. One person sorts childcare, another online shopping etc. Set a very low bar for everyday at the moment, I used view doing one household chore or having a bath as a successful day!

No it's not early days - it's how I feel

@Artesia

It's not unreasonable at all to ask for someone to share the mental load but you seem to be making it unnecessarily heavy. I appreciate it might well be linked to anxiety, but you can't then blame him for not being as anxious about it all as you are.

Unnecessarily heavy how?

@lakesummer

Until your anxiety is managed you aren't going to able to successfully judge if he is carrying enough of the mental load.

Currently you don't have a functioning benchmark for the mental load actually is.

I'm not clear if you are getting any breaks without your dc, even small ones?

Getting your DH to take full responsibility for dc even for 30 minutes would help with him starting to understand what babies needs actually are and how to think about meeting them.

I do get the occasional break here and there yes. Like half an hour for a bath etc when he comes in from work. She's BF though so it's hard as she tends to want / need me a lot in order to settle... so it's short lived when I have a break if that makes sense.

Unnecessarily heavy in that you are worrying about things which, objectively, don't really need worrying about- toys, new clothes etc. These shouldn't be causing you worry or forming part of a "mental load" for a 12 week old.

As a PP said, babies at that age just need food, warmth, love and attention. Beyond that it really doesn't matter if you've not been for a walk that day, whether they might need a new baby grow, whether they have the latest developmental toy etc. That's making the mental load heavier than it needs to be- like packing way too much unnecessary stuff for a holiday then complaining that DH doesn't want to carry half the suitcases.

"Unnecessarily heavy" - I think a pp means that you are worrying about things that, in the grand scheme of things, aren't really that important. So asking your partner to take half the load is unrealistic because you could, instead, lighten the load a little (by worrying less about things like clothes and toys) before expecting him to take half.

It's kind of equivalent of expecting your partner to do half the housework, but having very very high standards of cleanliness so that asking him to do half isn't really fair compared to most people's standards.

Cross post!

@Clickbait

Cross post!

Yes, but you said it better!!

Aw thanks!

It is definitely harder with a BF baby but are they in enough of routine that you could pop out without them for half and hour?

It is easier to see looking back but you are definitely still in the early days as a PP said and keeping everyone warm, fed and clean is really all you need to be thinking about.

BF can be great but it can lead to an uneven division of babycare in the early stages.

Some families find expressing and leaving a bottle works, it doesn't for others but might be worth considering.

It depends imo.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by ordinary aspects of parenting or just the idea that you’re responsible for keeping this little creature alive - if it continues I’d have a word with the GP or HV.

I think it’s also possible to be the sort of person (hello) who plans and plans and plans on clothes and weaning and books and activities and then gets resentful at their partner for not doing the same / for walking in and finding all the right size clothes washed and the age-appropriate toys bought - that, I’m afraid, is partly on you if that’s the dynamic. The only way around it is to delegate a big chunk of something to OH and leave them to it and not.step.in. Yes, delegating itself is part of the mental load, the snake eats its tail yadda yadda.

There’s a lot to be said for “good enough”, in this and other things. You’re fed? Baby is fed? Everyone’s relatively clean? Had a walk today? You’re all set.

Early parenting is a headfuck.

Have you had a look at the Edinburgh post natal depression score yet? It’s quite hard to see from your post what your husband can do to make it right?

@user1471462428

Have you had a look at the Edinburgh post natal depression score yet? It’s quite hard to see from your post what your husband can do to make it right?

Just done it online - I score 20 out of 30. Cut off for PND is a score of 10.

When my first was that age I worried that I wasn't getting him out and about enough. I mean to places like petting zoos or museums, or stately houses. I think I was slightly unhinged. Looking back, day trips were not important. It really felt like a big deal at the time. I also tried to put him in 'proper clothes'. I realise now that that was absolutely not necessary. I think it's just a huge adjustment, becoming a mum. The transition, mixed with the sleep deprivation, can make small things seem overwhelming.

I really feel for you, I've been where you are too and it's absolutely exhausting. You're not alone, although it may be a good idea to chat to your GP as some of the others have said. I had a bit of a meltdown about this at 12 weeks ... the mental load that seemed to mean I was constantly researching every baby related thing at all hours of the day , and reading every sleep guide going, and then being the one who was supposed to have all the answers ... "why isn't she sleeping? Does she need gripe water? When was her last dirty nappy?" As well as be responsible for all things baby related- knowing where everything was at any given moment, being on top of all appointments, being solely responsible for packing and unpacking all the baby stuff every time we went to stay with MIL... aw man after being in such an equitable relationship pre baby I found this sudden shift completely mentally overwhelming. I did a bit of CBT for free through the council I think, it's definitely worth reaching out to someone who can help you manage the total mental shift change at this new time in your life. Wishing you well OP ❤️❤️

If I were you I’d ring the health visitor and tell your score. I had PND and anxiety with both my children and know that sometimes you just need to reach out. Seeking help is the sign of a good parent.. Have a cup of tea, cuddle your baby then ring the health visitor.

Glad to be of use OP!

If you have any brain space for reading, there's a book called What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen (I think!) that you might like. Also the carpenter and the gardener by Alison Gopnik, life after birth by Eve figes and crib sheet by Emily Oster. I might have got some of those names wrong!

Good luck!