The mental and emotional load of motherhood...

[babyblues21]

How do other mums cope with this? We have a 12 week old baby. My partner is helpful in a practical sense - he comes from work and he cracks on with stuff like washing up, making tea, etc. If I make it known that I'm stressed, he will ask if I need some help etc. But... I just feel that I alone carry the mental and emotional load of it all. Questions and anxieties such as ... Is she hungry? Is she tired? Is she overstimulated? Is she under stimulated? Is she cold? Is she hot? Does she need a cuddle? Does she need more clothes ordering? More toys? We didn't go out for a walk today ... am I bad mummy? Am I failing her? Etc etc etc ..... Questions and worries like this circulate my mind daily. I know for a fact they do not circulate my partner's.

Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe I'm asking why? Why do we carry this as mums, and why don't dads? And how do other mums cope with it? I am starting to resent that I carry this alone whilst he doesn't. And I'm starting to feel very alone with it all.

If you're worrying so much it's getting to be all the time.

Then it's doc time. They can help :)

@AnneLovesGilbert

Good to hear you’re getting help OP. If the burden feels too great you might have a bit of PND or PNA, many many new mums do, and there are things that can help you.

Does your partner know how you’re feeling?

I remember very clearly about 5 days after she was born sobbing on DH’s shoulder and asking if the feeling of such huge responsibility would ease (he had two already) and he said no but you get used to it. I think it was hormones and a traumatic birth just got to me suddenly.

But I didn’t worry at all about clothes or toys. I embraced the fourth trimester and was lucky she slept a lot for the first few months while I recovered.

He knows yes. He tends to switch off a little when I cry about it. He's a great practical do-er, cannot fault him on that. Emotionally? Not so great. I don't feel like I can lean on him for emotional support sadly and I'm not sure about the future of our relationship as a result.

Yes for sure HV meant that. Clean nappy and babygro or similar.

When I did post natal classes the other babies were almost all done up to the 9s. I didn't really understand why. A baby just wants to be comfy.

So ignore that if there's a lot around your way. Stuff with little buttons etc is just making your life hard.

I had her in babygro in the house and if going out and warm enough would put some trousers/ dungarees over the top and a cardie if needed.

One week a couple of the mums came up and said you're so organised! Don't know how you do it! Her socks always match her top...

My point is. Make it easy for you. The baby doesn't care. As long as comfy. Things that are easy to do nappy. Is absolutely fine and also sensible :)

@NiceGerbil

If you're worrying so much it's getting to be all the time.

Then it's doc time. They can help :)

I agree with this OP. I think I’d look into more help. HVs can be hit and miss but I’m sure the last thing she intended was to suggest your baby needs to be in an outfit. She was trying to reassure you you’re doing great and you and your little one look well and on top of things!

It sounds like you’re struggling and it must be exhausting

I think you're right in your post op - you are carrying the mental load. Yes, having a new baby is a learning curve, but if your partner is asking how he can help, he isn't carrying the mental load, he's relying on you to.

I just listened to this podcast that talks about this and the need to have a conversation about sharing the load - open.spotify.com/episode/4fEKU109KZyeXM2PsW8x2V?si=smAlUiTJSaeJ20HMNAf_2A&utm_source=copy-link&dl_branch=1

@HarrietHairbrush

How do we cope? We get used to the burden. Your bandwidth changes: you just keep things in your head.

This for me. And it gets bigger with each DC. Our DS have sen too, even more to carry.

At 12 weeks with DS1 I was obsessed with sleep and naps, because he never slept. Trying to get him to sleep, thinking I was doing it all wrong. Ditto with breastfeeding. I don't think it's unusual to wonder how you can cope with such a big change and to be worried about meeting your baby's needs. If it becomes overwhelming, starts intruding on your day or stopping sleeping, make sure you speak to your health visitor or GP. One thing I'd change if I could.

I'd say you do seem a bit anxious but I found I was the same because you're alone all day with the baby and not much else to think about.

But the mental load you describe is typical of many women's experiences www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feminism/4274326-Can-you-help-me-compile-a-list-of-tasks-that-are-emotional-labour-life-admin

[quote JM10]I think you're right in your post op - you are carrying the mental load. Yes, having a new baby is a learning curve, but if your partner is asking how he can help, he isn't carrying the mental load, he's relying on you to.

I just listened to this podcast that talks about this and the need to have a conversation about sharing the load - open.spotify.com/episode/4fEKU109KZyeXM2PsW8x2V?si=smAlUiTJSaeJ20HMNAf_2A&utm_source=copy-link&dl_branch=1[/quote]

Thanks I'll give this a listen

@AnneLovesGilbert very exhausting. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Just need to keep spinning and spinning round because I have no choice. If I take my eye off the ball, who will catch it? No one. So I can't.

I remember insisting on dressing my baby twins in proper clothes every since day.

I moved them to different rooms so they could receive different stimulation in each room.

Looking back I had lost the plot a bit.

It felt genuinely terrifying that I was so responsible for things I loved so much.

In reality they were fine, I was parenting fine and I should have eased up on unnecessary fussing a lot.

It does get easier OP.

The pandemic isn't helping us with anxiety. You've been thrown into a really artificial situation over the last 18 months on top of becoming a mum.

Honestly, all your baby needs is you, and to be kept fed, changed and cuddled. Do not worry about details. Have confidence in yourself. Trust your instincts.

it is really difficult at this age, I felt similar. Our son was very attached to me and refused his dad, plus I was exclusively breastfeeding. Also felt like I was the driver on almost all decisions from parenting style to health concerns etc. I didn't cook a meal or put a load of washing on for the first half a year or so, it was all handled by my husband but I felt I was primarily responsible for baby's welfare and 'not getting it wrong' which was a huge pressure, primarily caused by my own expectations.

Now when our son is nearly 4 things are more balanced - I still carry a lot of the mental load on decisions about care and practical stuff but my husband is more of a leader on day to day upbringing: he's more patient and consistent with boundaries, enjoys playtime far more than me and DS is more attached to him at this point. So in my experience so far, the balance on these things changes over time. Parenthood is a neverending learning curve anyway.

I think it's a mix of things

You just, like anything, get used to it
I found my children easier when they got older as I wasnt worried so much about things like SIDS or them being ill and not being able to explain where was hurting etc. If a toddler is hungry or cold they can let you know.
I found a routine helped me massively and my babies naturally settled into one at around 4 months and then there was a lot less second guessing around why they were crying and wondering if they were hungry etc
Also I shared paternity leave with my husband and being the primary carer for a few months did help, at first he would be asking what he should cook and when etc but over time he just assumed the responsibility himself and that leads to half the pressure on me for planning and decision making etc
I do think it depends on personality as well, my husband will in life generally do a bit of research and then make a decision and not look back whereas I'm much more of a ditherer and always second guessing myself and wondering whether I made the right decision.
If the feelings are overwhelming you thought you should consider speaking to a doctor as you may have PND or PNA

I also recognise now that when I was so overwhelmed in the early days it made my husband hesitant to take more of a lead for fear of causing me stress or conflict. When I started to take a step back it pushed him more to the front in some ways. It's still almost a daily struggle tbh. I think as women we are being conditioned our whole lives that we always have to be in control of the situation, know all the answers, have all the likely scenarios envisioned and solutions figured out, be on top of things, otherwise something bad is likely to happen and it will be our fault. Motherhood is like a cold shower in that way.

Thanks for your views everyone. It's helped. Just to clarify I'm getting help for my anxiety already. It's just the relationship aspect I was looking for a better understanding of. i.e. How do I navigate and learn to cope with the greater mental / emotional load? I'm on the verge of leaving my partner because I feel so emotionally unsupported by him

This is harder to judge over the internet because it is difficult to say what is your anxiety talking and what is justified criticism of your DH.

It obviously wouldn't be healthy for your DH's head to be as filled with thoughts about your dc as yours is because it isn't healthy for you either.

What is harder to judge is if he swerves all responsibility at all.
How much one to one time does he get with baby?
Have you tried leaving baby with him to get a bath? What happened.
Have you left baby to pop out to the shops for half and hour?

Is it that he doesn't have confidence with the baby or that he is actively avoiding any baby things?

The period after having a baby is very testing for even the most solid of couples. I wouldn't make any rash decisions at this time. You are anxious and are getting some help, maybe you need more and what is that help like? Therapy, counselling, medication?

You need to be quite direct with your oh about what you need at this time. So if that is to talk say so, if that is some time to go for a walk without baby say so. He is not a mind reader and some people aren't great at picking up in other's emotions so being more direct will help you in the short term.

I have two children and the beginning with my first was a mindless haze, I was anxious about a whole host of things but shared that with my dh and he did whatever I needed him to inorder to help me. It was easier with my second.

Please don't leave your partner OP! Your baby is 12 weeks and your hormones are all over the place. Your partner is supporting you in the way he knows best. Things will get easier as you get the hang of being a parent.

[quote babyblues21]@AnneLovesGilbert very exhausting. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Just need to keep spinning and spinning round because I have no choice. If I take my eye off the ball, who will catch it? No one. So I can't. [/quote]
But what is "dropping the ball"? As long as your baby is fed and loved, that's enough. It can all seem overwhelming but really those are the only balls you need to keep in the air and nothing else really matters.

I think it's just the case that overwhelmingly the woman takes on the mental load for child-related stuff. I don't know of any couple where that isn't the case. My DH is fantastic and does way more than his share of practical stuff, but he just isn't wired to worry about clothes or toys or whether she was stimulated as enough as a baby - those things just don't register as being issues with him.

You're basically asking your husband to care about things that probably aren't really that important to him - that doesn't mean your child isn't important to him, but more that the things we worry about sometimes aren't really things that we need to worry about it but we do anyway because we are hormonal from birth or we are feeling inadequate v other mothers or whatever reason. For example, my husband would never have worried about whether not going out one day made him a bad parent or whether DD was dressed at a certain time or not, and he wouldn't have fretted about DD being hot or cold unless there was some reason to (and even then he wouldn't have fretted, just done something about it when he needed to and not thought any more of it). He's just not that kind of person and those things don't occupy headspace for him.

Do not leave your partner OP. Unless he's being a complete twat, being a bit absent is not enough of a reason to go through that upheaval. Men can sometimes be bewildered and unsure of how they fit in with babies, and frightened of admitting that they feel small and scared etc. In time you will sort it out. Keep talking to each other.

I don't mean it rudely but please get out of the house - if possible try to meet other mums. It makes the world of difference. When you're stuck inside all the time you can lose your mind a bit.

I suspect you might in the 30s, educated, good career bracket of mums (including myself) and we're used to having a structure and sense of achievement in what we do, having a baby is completely different and no one comes along to grade you or see if you're meeting your KPIs! So you search for things you can do to demonstrate you're a good mum like toys and walks etc - really you need to just slow down, don't put pressure on yourself, meet your basic needs and those of the baby as well as you can and recognise that you're in this for the long run.

So basically, get help for anxiety. Get out of the house as much as you can. Meet other mums if you can. Caring for your baby is a relationship you develop not a task you complete, stop asking yourself if you're 'doing it well' as you wouldn't ask if you're being a good wife or sister in the same way! So long as the baby is fed and relatively clean, it's all good.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I've accepted that I take on the mental load of stuff because I'm the one who is stressing about it, not because that stuff is actually important in the grand scheme of things. There's very little actually important in those early weeks and months other than keeping baby fed, warm, and loved, clothes and toys are not important and certainly not to be worried or anxious over! Most stuff I conjured up to stress over when DD was tiny wasn't something that DH had to share in because it wasn't anything that actually needed to be stressed over – it was mental load entirely of my own manufacturing.

@Crowsaregreat

Do not leave your partner OP. Unless he's being a complete twat, being a bit absent is not enough of a reason to go through that upheaval. Men can sometimes be bewildered and unsure of how they fit in with babies, and frightened of admitting that they feel small and scared etc. In time you will sort it out. Keep talking to each other.

I don't mean it rudely but please get out of the house - if possible try to meet other mums. It makes the world of difference. When you're stuck inside all the time you can lose your mind a bit.

I suspect you might in the 30s, educated, good career bracket of mums (including myself) and we're used to having a structure and sense of achievement in what we do, having a baby is completely different and no one comes along to grade you or see if you're meeting your KPIs! So you search for things you can do to demonstrate you're a good mum like toys and walks etc - really you need to just slow down, don't put pressure on yourself, meet your basic needs and those of the baby as well as you can and recognise that you're in this for the long run.

So basically, get help for anxiety. Get out of the house as much as you can. Meet other mums if you can. Caring for your baby is a relationship you develop not a task you complete, stop asking yourself if you're 'doing it well' as you wouldn't ask if you're being a good wife or sister in the same way! So long as the baby is fed and relatively clean, it's all good.

This is incredibly helpful and it resonated strongly. You're right- I'm searching for feedback and confirmation that I'm doing a good "job". Thinking of mothering as a relationship that develops as opposed to a task I need to "get right" is immensely helpful. Thank you

Yes agree most of what you described sounds like anxiety. Your partner sounds more helpful than lots of men I know. If he spots you're stressed or anxious he tries to help which is a start!

@catfunk

Yes agree most of what you described sounds like anxiety. Your partner sounds more helpful than lots of men I know. If he spots you're stressed or anxious he tries to help which is a start!

Yeah I've been told by friends that he's better than most too, for this reason. I suppose my standards and expectations might be too high then? I'm looking for a man who naturally shares half of the mental and emotional load too, so I don't carry it all myself. Guess I'm asking for too much ...