Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating someone with chronic condition

114 replies

Topsyair · 06/07/2021 18:30

Been dating a well controlled type 1 diabetic for a few weeks. Hes lovely but I'm worried if its gets serious about the future with regards to his condition. I sound like a bitch but I dont want to end up a carer or with someone who may die years before me

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 07/07/2021 03:37

@longtompot

My dd met someone who she was very upfront with about her chronic illness. They said they could deal with it and all it entails. Sadly almost 3 years later they decided actually they couldn't, were quite hurtful about it and split up with her. My dd was and still is heartbroken, so probably best if you don't enter into a relationship knowing this from the start. But then again, disability and illness can happen any when during a relationship so maybe not get into one at all. Just in case.
Aww no this happened to me when I was ill. It’s truly heartbreaking. Mine happened 6 years ago and I’m still not over it. I hope she’s ok and gets through it. The right person will come along.
steff13 · 07/07/2021 03:53

I have a friend who was widowed at the age of 24 when her husband was killed in an accident at work. She found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks later. None of us is guaranteed a long, healthy life. 🤷‍♀️

1forAll74 · 07/07/2021 03:57

Have you told him about your lovely thoughts regarding his condition ?

Mav1 · 07/07/2021 04:21

YABVU

BritWifeInUSA · 07/07/2021 04:26

You could marry the healthiest person on the planet and they get knocked down by a bus and end up paralyzed and needing round-the-clock care. What would you do then?

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 07/07/2021 04:29

But why would you end up being their career? I am genuinely confused... Confused

FubbyChucker · 07/07/2021 05:46

YANBU OP , I have a chronic condition (RA), and wouldn't want some poor sod to end up as my carer

ThornAmongstRoses · 07/07/2021 07:23

Blimey.

I have a chronic, hidden condition that I used to dread telling boyfriends about when I was younger (teen years and young 20’s) and a few did walk away from me because of it. It was hurtful and hard.

When I met my now husband, although my condition had been controlled for 3 years I was still very nervous about telling him, but he wasn’t bothered. Probably because he didn’t know much about the condition to be fair.

We went on to have another 10 years together with my condition not really having any bearing on our lives, but two years ago things went very wrong and out of nowhere my condition flared up again.

Things are settling now but for the last two years I have had to have about 18 months off work, financial difficulties have arisen as a result and it has impacted our family life and home life in many different ways. It’s been really hard.

It’s been a big shock to my husband because it isn’t something he’s ever had to face before.

That’s the worst thing about hidden disabilities - people can just forget they exist and it isn’t considered to be something of significance. Until it starts to impact on your life of course.

Thankfully my husband has been amazingly supportive, I couldn’t have coped without him.

Maybe your thoughts are born of ignorance, or maybe you’ve done your research and they are based on genuine concern, but either way I would just leave the relationship and let him meet someone more compassionate and understanding.

Hesma · 07/07/2021 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LemonRoses · 07/07/2021 07:30

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health......

user1471530109 · 07/07/2021 07:36

When my xh left me, he turned round and said it was because he didn't want to be my carer (been together 17 years and he didn't have any reason to believe that-well controlled t1). I can still feel the sting.

In reality, he was having an affair and he wanted to push the blame on to me. 7 years later and I can't believe how he still behaves.

OP, it was very brave to say what you have even if it is an anonymous forum. Is this really what you think? ShockSad

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 08:00

@Oblomov21

Although. I would like to give balance to this argument. T1 is a serious autoimmune condition. It's relentless, 24/7, you never get a break. It's all consuming. Mine is very brittle even though I pay Uber attention to it, it's extreme, volatile, and I swing from high to low easily and quickly despite a pump, sensor and constant testing. It's a shit medical condition.
Great post. Diabetes is a real PITA for some.

Very harsh replies to you OP.

You can end a relationship for any reason early on.

Flowers
SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/07/2021 08:16

Unfortunately @AbsentmindedWoman is absolutely right. My DF had t1 and he was not the "lucky none". After that experience even though I know it differs person to person, I would be thinking "can I do it? deal with early death etc if it happens?". I still don't comprehend the strenght my mum had last 20 odd years.

People are also ignoring the fact that it is absolutely different to start dating someone with some conditions and if the conditions develop later in relationship. It just is. If my husband developed it now, i wouldn't walk. I would most likely need a therapist though to deal with it.

While I understand where people are coming from with hurt feelings, the fact that someone thinks twice about life long and maybe potentially quite limiting condition which can develop complications (as Absemtminted put example of heart attack in 30s... Yeah, we had that.) Is actually , as harsh as this sound, a good thing. No one should go into relationship they don't feel they can take on. Whether it's because of illness, difference in cultures, "step" children. If people thought about these things more right at the beginning or even before, there would be much less heartache imho.

That said, I bit Confused about op after as.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/07/2021 08:18

@LemonRoses

For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health......
Lucky people don't say that at the beginning of dating... Hmm
Enko · 07/07/2021 08:25

Op what is your concern? I dont get this at all. Dh has diabetes t2. And it only impacts our life when I consider meals and even there not massively. Could you read up on diabetes and learn more as it sounds like you do not fully understand how it impacts and are looking for negatives

RuggerHug · 07/07/2021 08:32

He deserves better.

SinkGirl · 07/07/2021 08:39

Honestly OP, you can’t have a relationship if you view things this way, and definitely don’t have kids!

When I met DH I knew I had endometriosis but several more diagnoses came later, all of which are not treatable so I just have to manage.

Then we had twins - one was born with the opposite of T1D which is very rare and was very scary. Further diagnosis of other disabilities came later for him and his twin brother. None of the subsequent diagnoses are treatable so it’s just therapies to try and manage things.

Chronic illness and disability is such a huge part of my day to day life that I forget that there are people out there who are just well, their kids are just well etc.

If his diabetes is well controlled then I’m not sure what your worries are - any relationship you get into could end up with either one of you caring for the other, whether it’s for a few weeks after a surgery or longterm.

HavelockVetinari · 07/07/2021 08:47

@Rupertpenrysmistress

Cut her some slack. My DH has a chronic condition which will only worsen. Off course I love him and will support him but, it is hard, it affects our potential income and retirement, so not easy. Better she considers it now than years down the line.
This. I bet most of the responses slating OP are from people who aren't having to care for a partner who's unwell and unlikely to improve. It can be really hard going.
iwantalicencetocrenellate · 07/07/2021 08:47

Fucking hell, he deserves better than you.
My DH has a chronic condition. He told me about it very soon after we met, as he wanted me to know in case I reacted like you (a previous gf had dumped him because of it).
I like to think I'm a decent human being, and I consider the person as a whole, I don't see them as just the condition.
Let him go, so he can find someone who isn't a bitch. He'd be better off without you.

BelterDelta · 07/07/2021 08:49

You have a daughter by all accounts. How would you want someone to treat her?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/07/2021 08:57

*This. I bet most of the responses slating OP are from people who aren't having to care for a partner who's unwell and unlikely to improve. It can be really hard going.
With a whiff of "I am such a good person compared to you".
I will allways believe that these things should be considered asap to prevent situation down the line which is even more hurtful. The fact that someone can't for whatever reason deal with chronic conditions iland uncertainty in these matters doesn't make them a bad person. Everyone is different, with different abolities, boundaries and mentality. Being scared of ending up as a carer/early widow bad person does not make. Being a cunt about it and nasty to the person with an illness does.

ohthatbloodycat · 07/07/2021 08:59

Oh, for God's sake. It's natural that the OP should have her concerns. They're at the dating stage, not marriage!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/07/2021 09:04

Ugh my bold didn't go well. Oops

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 09:05

@ohthatbloodycat

Oh, for God's sake. It's natural that the OP should have her concerns. They're at the dating stage, not marriage!
At the very beginning of the relationship is the exact time to decide.

Such nastiness from such supposedly caring, decent people.🙄

CounsellorTroi · 07/07/2021 09:15

Shocking. OP did you know comedian Ed Gamble is type 1 diabetic? He runs marathons to raise money for diabetic charities.