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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dating someone with chronic condition

114 replies

Topsyair · 06/07/2021 18:30

Been dating a well controlled type 1 diabetic for a few weeks. Hes lovely but I'm worried if its gets serious about the future with regards to his condition. I sound like a bitch but I dont want to end up a carer or with someone who may die years before me

OP posts:
Dontdripme · 06/07/2021 19:18

You could meet someone healthy whi has an accident or their health declines or it could happen to you

gibbertyofah · 06/07/2021 19:20

@Topsyair

I'm a bitch
Yep - dump him now - he's better off without you.
Bagelsandbrie · 06/07/2021 19:22

Wow Shock I assumed you were going to say something far more complex than diabetes! Many people lead full and healthy lives with well controlled diabetes. I thought you were going to say someone like me - lupus, sjorgens, Addison’s, kidney issues, pituitary issues etc. Thankfully dh has taken up the challenge regardless!

joystir59 · 06/07/2021 19:24

If you want to develop a loving intimate relationship you will at some point have to deal with your partner's human frailty as well as your own human frailty. That's life. You will also have to deal with losing a partner you love. That's life. If you don't want to have these incredibly painful yet enriching life experiences then that's fine, that's your choice, but love is not about staying on the surface of life; life isn't about staying on the surface of love.

EveningOverRooftops · 06/07/2021 19:26

I don’t know why you’re getting so many negative comments.

I am an unpaid carer. It’s hard, thankless work and you lose a bit of yourself when caring for someone you love. We’ve seen carers struggle during the lockdowns and we really need to be honest about what support there is (little) and that not everyone can or should be a carer if if it’s potentially down the line.

I couldn’t do it again given I’ve already done it for over a decade. This is why I’m not having another child and I’ve told any potential long term partners no babies and any pregnancy will be terminated if my coil doesn’t work (one already with a chromosome issue) and why I’m picky about who I date. They need to understand this and I also don’t want to be a carer to TWO people.

It doesn’t make me a bad person, nor the op to consider if this is something she is willing to do or the impact on life not just for her but also him.

It’s better you think these things through and make the right choice for both of you now than invest time and love and end up resentful and both hurt because of the situation of health deteriorates.

On the flip side I have been very honest about my own health issues. That I get crippling migraine clusters along with other chronic issues that can mean I’m on antibiotics for lung infections or out of it for a couple of days due to the migraines. Minor compared to most but I require medication to manage it all.

I’m well aware not everyone wants to be with someone who has to cancel plans last minute due to sudden vomit inducing migraine. And you know what? That’s alright, they’d probably piss me off too with their inability to change plans.

On the flip side though OP I really would urge you to go to the diabetes U.K. website and research for yourself the long terms potential issues for type 1. A lot of diabetes ‘horror stories’ are more often linked to poor management in type 2 and the linked obesity rather than properly managed type 1 in an active, healthy weight male (assumption here)

DroopyClematis · 06/07/2021 19:28

I'd ditch him and find a replacement perfect specimen.
( you might have to wait a while!)

DeflatedGinDrinker · 06/07/2021 19:29

YANBU my sisters partner has a chronic condition and she's his full time carer and has said she will never leave him but would have walked away if she would have known what her life entails. She's basically a single mum as he can't cope alone with the children.

Zealois · 06/07/2021 19:30

This seems dramatic. My friend has T1 and is genuinely the fittest person I know.

FreeBritnee · 06/07/2021 19:34

My DP has MS. I found out while we were dating and I’m still here 11 years later.

BrilliantBetty · 06/07/2021 19:35

I think YANBU to consider this. You have only been seeing each other for a short while and it's important to consider something that could potentially be a key aspect of your life. Living with a disability or illness can be very hard and it can also be very hard for those supporting them.

If he is managing the type1 diabetes well and is able to live a full life I wouldn't be as concerned. Many people live well with diabetes for many, many years.

A good friend of mine recently called it off with a new partner due to his medical condition (a mental health illness) when it became clear it was going to reshape her life and the things she wanted to do... and I do not blame her. Would have done the same thing my self. We only get one life.
I'd support my DH whatever happens if he became ill or disabled, but it's a different kettle of fish when we're talking about a brand new relationship.

chickenyhead · 06/07/2021 19:39

2 type 1 DC should have sent them back really Grin

Their dad is also type 1 and it was a total shit show, but he was very poorly controlled.

A well controlled type 1 has almost the same life expectancy as a non diabetic .

Poor control and type 2 are associated with eay mortality.

May be worth educating yourself.

bakebeans · 06/07/2021 19:41

Theresa May was running the country whilst managing type 1 diabetes. Halle Berry, Nick Jonas from the Jonas brothers and Ed Gamble from Mock the week also have type 1 diabetes. There are lots of professional athletes too who compete daily.

People can live a long and healthy life no different to anyone else well into their 90’s

ThursdayWeld · 06/07/2021 19:43

@Topsyair

Been dating a well controlled type 1 diabetic for a few weeks. Hes lovely but I'm worried if its gets serious about the future with regards to his condition. I sound like a bitch but I dont want to end up a carer or with someone who may die years before me
It sounds like you have very, very little idea about what living with well-managed T1 diabetes involves. Have you done any research at all?

It does sound like he would be better off with someone a bit more emotionally intelligent than you.

MilkAndBiscuits · 06/07/2021 19:44

What if you was with ‘someone healthy’
And 10 years later, he had a stroke or a car accident?

What then?
Would you leave him because you wouldnt want to be his carer?

Please finish with him so he can find someone loving and caring

I was with my partner a month when i was diagnosed with a chronic life long / life reducing / restricting disease

He stayed with me

Imapotato · 06/07/2021 19:47

I think you need to have a look at what type 1 diabetes actually live.

Of my 3 close family members who have had it from childhood,

One is currently travelling and has been since pre covid.

One lives abroad in what would be considered a 3rd world country, where he moved 10 years ago. Good job his wife and kids don’t mind him being type 1 diabetic!

And the last one has worked for the NHS throughout the pandemic working with people who actually have seriously life limiting conditions.

All are well controlled and fit and healthy. They live very normal lives, I’m really not sure where your view on type 1 diabetes comes from.

Imapotato · 06/07/2021 19:47

Actually is.

user432543424532 · 06/07/2021 19:48

Mate, we are all one car crash away from being disabled.

Better hope the people in your life don't share your views if that happens to you, eh.

chickenyhead · 06/07/2021 19:48

This post has in all seriousness scared me a little. My DS12 has said to me a few times that nobody will want him because of his diabetes.

He is an amazingly warm, funny, intelligent boy and I had never even considered that this was a possibility. Stupid mummy cannot see reality, blinded by love I guess.

The only risk I am aware of is a 1 in 17 chance of having a diabetic child. I cannot remember the usual rate though.

Royalbloo · 06/07/2021 19:49

To be honest I think you have free will with regards to who you enter into a relationship with. If you don't want to, then don't. I don't think you should have to do anything you don't want to.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 06/07/2021 19:49

Well my mum is an early widow due to chronic conditions... You are not a bktch. It's natural to consider that and it is not for everyone. It's simple as that.

Type 1 though isn't bad. Unless other conditions develop. So maybe read about it first. Or speak with him about it.

Oldtiredfedup · 06/07/2021 19:51

I’m in my mid 40’s and one thing I have learned: life is completely unpredictable.

If you believe that avoiding getting involved with anyone who has any kind of condition will stop any of the things you are concerned about happening, then you are very naive and are in likely for a very rough ride when life rocks up and does its thing.

PS - this man deserves better.

berryhead2013 · 06/07/2021 19:51

I've been the person dumped because of diabetes two weeks after diagnosis he couldn't cope with it!! He was the one he broke my heart and made me fearful and ashamed of having he condition and scared to tell people he made me feel disgusting
So do yourselves a favour and either get over it and support him if he needs it or set him free but for the love of his don't be so insensitive to mention his diabetes please

AliceLivesHere · 06/07/2021 19:57

WOW

romdowa · 06/07/2021 20:00

It's diabetes, the most you'll have to deal with is the odd hypo . Hardly care work 🙄 I'm chronically ill, several medical conditions and some can leave me bed bound and my partner is fantastic. If you can't deal with diabetes my advise is to just end it now. Save the guy the heart ache

Gem176 · 06/07/2021 20:43

I'd say your ignorance is actually the biggest "chronic condition" here.

Please educate yourself and leave this poor guy so he can find someone who values him for WHO he actually is.

You could pick a "healthy" partner who then develops a disability much worse than t1d that actually requires a carer or kills them prematurely. If this is your concern then I advise you avoid all relationships as the future isn't guaranteed for anyone.

As a well controlled type 1 I'd wager a well controlled type 1 is healthier than a large chunk of the population and I'm also thanking my lucky starts my partner doesn't think like you.