Dating someone with chronic condition

[Topsyair]

Been dating a well controlled type 1 diabetic for a few weeks. Hes lovely but I'm worried if its gets serious about the future with regards to his condition. I sound like a bitch but I dont want to end up a carer or with someone who may die years before me

Although. I would like to give balance to this argument. T1 is a serious autoimmune condition. It's relentless, 24/7, you never get a break. It's all consuming. Mine is very brittle even though I pay Uber attention to it, it's extreme, volatile, and I swing from high to low easily and quickly despite a pump, sensor and constant testing. It's a shit medical condition.

OP you are getting a really harsh response here. I've got Multiple Sclerosis and Epilepsy.. when I was dating what you describe was something I considered (bit the other way round obviously!). I wondered if I should date at all.

I really don't blame you for having these thoughts and thinking them doesn't make you a bitch !

Fwiw - I've been with my DP for 2 years now and we both understand what the future might look like with my disabilities but we don't know what else may happen to either one of us.

I have been under the top consultants at QA, Radcliffe Oxford, Guys and Kings. They all find me "challenging"

So don't think it's an easy condition.

Save him the heartache. My sister is a T1 diabetic, I'm so glad her dh didn't think like you.

As the mother of a T1 child, I find this heartbreaking. T1 isn’t a death sentence, and people with it mostly lead long and healthy lives. I hope she never meets anyone like you.

I don't blame you for having these thoughts and it doesn't make you a bitch...

However, I think you need to consider that everyone has something not quite right health wise even if they don't know it yet, and none of us are invincible. We will all die of something one day!

You might waste your time worrying about his diabetes, only to find that in years to come he ends up being your carer....

Have you deliberately asked this question here because you want to create a lot of upset? You already said “I’m a bitch” so what more do you want? A pat on the back?

Come on, you knew the response you would get, so why post here other than to be a goady fucker.

I had been with my DP for 3.5 years when I fell seriously ill with a life limiting heart condition. The first we knew was when I had the flu, couldn’t breathe, called an ambulance, and by the time I got to hospital I was in full organ failure and had to spend 3 days on life support.

Someone DP worked with said to him that it would be ok to move on quickly after I die, that this is the norm. For reference, I wasn’t actually dead yet,

And someone else said a few months down the line that he was obviously a good person to stay with me because most wouldn’t. Way to go to make someone feel as if they’re worthless and not worth staying with.

For 3 years I struggled immensely with my health. It was my DP who had to listen to me say I wished it would just kill me because if I was going to die anyway then why not make it now, (FWIW I wouldn’t have actually ended things myself,) It was my DP who cleaned up after I’d been throwing up through sheer exertion purely from walking up the stairs. It was my DP who stayed at home with my DS after my parents rushed into hospital when I had a cardiac arrest and they didn’t think I would survive.

And now that I’ve had surgery and am in a much better place health-wise I am the one who cooks, cleans etc and guess what? My DP is still here. And he will still be there when my condition deteriorates again, which I’ve been told it will, and when I have to go on the transplant list and wait for the call not knowing whether I’ll die waiting, or during surgery.

nobody is invincible, you aren’t. He might be physically disabled, but you’re certainly emotionally disabled and lacking in empathy, and there are many people who wouldn’t want to date you because of the kind of person you are.

If this is the guy you mention in a different thread, please release him.

He really, really doesn’t deserve you.

@Oblomov21

Although. I would like to give balance to this argument. T1 is a serious autoimmune condition. It's relentless, 24/7, you never get a break. It's all consuming. Mine is very brittle even though I pay Uber attention to it, it's extreme, volatile, and I swing from high to low easily and quickly despite a pump, sensor and constant testing. It's a shit medical condition.

Agreed. My closest friend has very hard-to-control T1, and it consumes a lot of her life and she has been very, very, life-threateningly ill a lot of times as a result.

While I think OP's tone is a bit off (and I am very glad not everyone thinks like that), if she isn't up for supporting someone through it I think she's better off saying so now rather than letting him get any more interested.

But, OP, there's no guarantee that any person you decide to settle down with won't develop an illness at any point in the future - or that you won't. So if you are really put off by the risk of dating someone who may or may not become ill at any point or require help, I think you need to be a little more realistic about life.

People develop dementia, or Parkinson's. I know someone who's just been diagnosed with T1 at 35 (rare, but it can happen!), long after they got married. I know countless people who've developed cancer and mental illness and Crohn's and a rare blood condition. People get ill - almost nobody makes it through life, unfortunately, with no periods of illness or needing support at some point or another. It's all a roll of the dice, you can never guarantee someone is going to live a long healthy life - you put your faith in a relationship someone because you care about them, not because they're the best bet of outlasting you.

I’ve clicked on YANBU and this is despite me having epilepsy and a DH who is fab. It’s your choice to feel like this but you may miss out on someone wonderful, your choice.

Ah yes. Advance search really does throw a lot more light….

OP why didn’t you just walk away at the point you thought the bloke was unattractive enough that you didn’t actually even want to go on a first date?

Am T1, I don’t need a carer and she isn’t one if he is well controlled. Ffs think he’d be better off without you !!

@Stormyseasallround

As the mother of a T1 child, I find this heartbreaking. T1 isn’t a death sentence, and people with it mostly lead long and healthy lives. I hope she never meets anyone like you.

Same.

Either educate yourself on T1 diabetes or end the relationship.

This is exactly why I'd be upfront about my condition when dating, to give the other person a chance to say its not for them before either of us gets invested.

Sure I'd be disappointed but I'd much rather someone's gut reaction be 'well you look pretty fit to me' than 'could I do better'.

It doesn't make you a bad person, you are doing them a disservice though.

OK he's obviously not for you. I've been the partner of a T1 for 28 years. Until 12 months ago he was fit healthy and well controlled. Now he's lost his sight and is retiring. It's hard very hard. I've always accepted it may happen and knew it may effect our future but or didn't stop me wanting it to be our future.

You’re going to have to seriously rethink how you face the world at some point, though. I’m not saying you should stay with this man if it’s not right, obviously. But you could find someone in perfect health and be in perfect health yourself. And you still need to know that 1 in two people in the UK will get cancer (according to Cancer Research UK). Well… there will be two of you… what’s the plan then? Leave your husband of umpteen years? Act as thought it’s perfectly acceptable for him to leave you (it’s not)? Maybe this isn’t the man for you, but maybe this is also your wake-up call that it’s time to grow up and no one is perfect. Honestly, his medical care for T1 could keep a more serious disease from ever developing, so you could end up in a relationship with LESS caretaking than if you chose someone who appeared perfect, never saw a doctor, and then one day woke up with blood in their stomach or something. That would be a kick in the pants.

This is why we try to marry for love, not medical jackets. (Not just being glib, but also because it wouldn’t be reliable at all).

My dd met someone who she was very upfront with about her chronic illness. They said they could deal with it and all it entails. Sadly almost 3 years later they decided actually they couldn't, were quite hurtful about it and split up with her. My dd was and still is heartbroken, so probably best if you don't enter into a relationship knowing this from the start.
But then again, disability and illness can happen any when during a relationship so maybe not get into one at all. Just in case.

Yes, he may end up with kidney disease, needing a transplant, neuropathy, amputations........and probably won't. Anyone can have something happen to them, if this is already your thought process now, I would probably be wary about continuing to see him

😳😳

@longtompot

My dd met someone who she was very upfront with about her chronic illness. They said they could deal with it and all it entails. Sadly almost 3 years later they decided actually they couldn't, were quite hurtful about it and split up with her. My dd was and still is heartbroken, so probably best if you don't enter into a relationship knowing this from the start. But then again, disability and illness can happen any when during a relationship so maybe not get into one at all. Just in case.

@longtompot thats awful, I hope your Dd knows this was just one person and not her, and there is someone right for her out there

Glad my dh didn't think like this. I was incredibly ill and diagnosed with a chronic condition just after our engagement. I remember being in floods of tears and ordering him the ring back. Luckily he declined and twenty years later my health is absolutely fine, tons better than it was then and there have been no issues.

@FreeBritnee

My DP has MS. I found out while we were dating and I’m still here 11 years later.

Same with me. Only, in my case, I wish DH asked the same question as the OP, because it's been too much and he resents my illness so much it's a real issue.

I assumed you were going to say something far more complex than diabetes!

It's diabetes, the most you'll have to deal with is the odd hypo

Posts like this are totally ignorant of the reality of what it means to live with type 1 diabetes.

It is EXTREMELY complex. It is incredibly dismissive to pretend that it is not. It is wearing and relentless and diabetes burnout is very common.

I have lived with it for 25 years and have met many, many people with T1D, all with various experiences ranging from the lucky people who have the magic combo of good resources and not being brittle right up to friends who are not so lucky, who have lost most of their vision and are on dialysis and have had heart attacks in their 30s.

NONE of them would say oh diabetes isn't complex, just the odd hypo They would all agree that it is in fact hard work, requires constant attention, and that there is a significant mental and emotional toll attached to the constant awareness of what your glucose is doing, at any time.

Exercise can make your blood sugar go up, as well as down. Pain, weather being particularly cold or hot, running for the bus, a bad night's sleep, a tense exchange with a colleague, the adrenalin from doing something like performing on stage...the list is endless.

A fucking shower or brushing my teeth is enough to make my liver do a glucose dump OR send me freefalling into a hypo depending on how many other variables from the above list have happened that day.

But it's not complex. Right.

It honestly makes me despair at times how NOBODY understands this disease, unless you have it or a close family member or friend have it.

I speak from a position of immense privilege with the most advanced technology available in the world - an insulin pump which receives feedback from a glucose sensor on my arm, and every 5 minutes changes the tiny pulse of insulin that is administered into my body.

More importantly, I have an incredibly supportive wife. I am lucky - when I go to sleep, I feel safe that I have my sensor to alarm and scream like a banshee if I go dangerously low, and if I cannot wake up my wife will call the ambulance.

Because I am fortunate enough to have these resources, I am so well managed you wouldn't know I have T1D to look at my bloodwork - unless I'm premenstrual, then all bets are off

Despite the tech, my "perfect" a1c of 5.2 (with a standard deviation of just over 1, so not an artificially good a1c made up of highs and lows...) requires a lot of hard fucking work. Maintaining those numbers is a neverending slog, especially around ovulation and period where I have constant broken nights spending hours coaxing my numbers to where they should be.

T1D is work.

Bye bye bye and don’t forget to get an education on the way out. Your ignorance is disgusting. I have a chronic condition and believe me we are not looking for carers just someone to love. Fingers crossed you don’t get one yourself or something worse and end up needing a carer.