MIL comments on my weight. AIBU?

[kettlechips123]

I generally have a good relationship with my mother in law. She is a lovely woman in so many ways - apart from one.

Every time I speak with her (be it on the phone or in person) she laughs if I mention I've been to the gym or eaten a healthy meal. She is always commenting about my "diet" in a negative way. She is never supportive and makes comments about my clothes sizes. Even though we are the same size?

If it is relevant I am 5ft 7 and just over 12 stone. I'm aware I need to lose weight and am trying my best but sometimes I fall off the wagon (with the year we've had it is very easy to!)

My husband just tells me to ignore her and that she doesn't mean it. He doesn't like confrontation so he wouldn't tell her to shut up. A bit annoying but not much I can do as I don't want to cause any arguments or ill feelings.

AIBU to be pissed off with her comments and mocking? Or do I need to pull up my big girl pants and realise that this is standard MIL behaviour (from what I've heard anyway).

Thanks all.

I’d start with something like, ‘Well Jane I guess we are a very similar weight so you’d understand but I really don’t want to keep talking about it if that’s ok.’

If she keeps it up you progress to, ‘Jane, remember what I said about this?’

And finally, ‘OK I have to be off Jane’. And go every single time.

Hod knows why some people do this but it’s fine to call her out and it’s possible to remain friends if you can get past the I Mean It stage. Unless she’s actually horrible she’ll probably get it.

Honestly, from what you've said it just sounds like she's not comfortable discussing your diets and what you are eating. You are complaining about her responses bit it sounds like it's you bringing it up all if the time. Seriously, noone except yourself is remotely interested in what youre eating or how many gym classes you are going to. Stop perpetuating this cycle. You say she is otherwise lovely so find something else to talk about other than your diet.

I tried "its hard to believe you made it to your age without realising its rude to comment on people weight", she never did it again.

YANBU.

My MIL made a remark recently when she came to stay that I wasn't losing any weight as I was overeating. Her words. I was just having an Activia yoghurt!

You don't need DP to tell her to shut up. Do it yourself.

" Mil, I have had enough of you commenting on my size /weight/diet and am asking you to stop doing that. "

Wear this ...

My mother in law saves me the slimming world leaflets from the weekend paper. 🙄

You're obviously NBU because she's being very rude. In terms of what you can do I'd probably call her out. If you're the same size she probably feels insecure that you're doing something about your weight (implying she should too). If that doesn't work I'd just never mention my diet or weight to her.

at Onions

@BIWI

It's not an ageist comment, it's an observation based on my years of experience. It seems that back a few decades it was normal and acceptable to comment on others' weight. It isn't.
That you don't know this doesn't make it ageist or untrue, just naive.

Another good reason not to become too close to your MIL.

My MIL started commenting in my weight when I was PG and kept saying things like "Oh aren't you getting fat!" This was at the front door before she'd even greeted me. I corrected her every single time "no it's not fat, it's a baby" but she still did it.

DSIL eventually shouted at her and it stopped.

Like Pretty I don't think it's ageist to say that it's generally older women who comment like this.

My DF has struggled with eating disorders for as long as she can remember, her DMIL commented on her weight every single tile she spoke to her, then couldn't figure out why my DF didn't want to go any visit very often.

I know a couple of people like this, only it’s not weight they comment on but the amount people eat. They essentially think that we should all only eat one ‘proper’ meal a day and that will do us. On one occasion I was discussing food with one of them (not much else to discuss during lockdown) and I said what I’d had for brunch, which was probably about 700 calories all together. I got asked if I was going to have dinner, as I’d had such a big meal earlier

What makes it especially confusing is that these people are are all the same size as me or bigger! I can’t decide if it would be better or worse coming from someone very slim...

I do politely call my family members out on it, but I can understand why you wouldn’t want to. Does she laugh if you just say you’ve been to the gym, or is it only if you’ve been to the gym and out for lunch?

No it’s not standard. Every time she says something tell her politely, to shut up. Be firm.

You go straight back with.." same size as you"...
Every time... "same size as you" ...
Nothing else...no change of expression...no hesitation..
Then smoothly change the subject...
You are empowering her by reacting...dismiss her stupid comments...never reward bad behaviour...

My XMIL called me a clatty bitch. I'm not saying what yours says is right, but I understand how you feel.

my ex MIL was the same. Always going on about my weight, even though my SIL was huge. My exH was the same as yours, just telling me she didn't mean it. She was joking or whatever. I knew she wasn't.

In the end I just didn't see her. She was such a bitch.

And now I'm divorced I have am pleased I have nothing to do with her.

[quote PrettyLittleFlies]@BIWI

It's not an ageist comment, it's an observation based on my years of experience. It seems that back a few decades it was normal and acceptable to comment on others' weight. It isn't.
That you don't know this doesn't make it ageist or untrue, just naive.[/quote]
Of course it's ageist. It's a sweeping generalisation about older women.

I think it’s telling that she’s the same size as you. She might want to lose weight herself but struggles or can’t really be bothered so she’s trying to get you down about it. If you lost weight she’d maybe be jealous.

Not sure it’s a generational thing. I am a crone and it has always been rude to make personal comments as far as I know. I think the ‘thanks for the tip, Fatty’ riposte is perfect.

There is no such thing as 'standard MIL behaviour'.

Mother-in-laws are individual women

You don't say whether or not you've asked her to stop doing it?

My MIL decided my hair wasn’t right. She told my DH I should do it differently and then when I saw her, proceeded to tell me.

I said “my hair is not up for discussion”. And changed the subject. This is what anyone should do if someone else is rude enough to go there about anything. We’re adult women FFS, we don’t need to take shit from anyone.

YANBU @kettlechips123

YANBU, @kettlechips123

@PrettyLittleFlies

Seems to be generational in that older people feel free to comment on others' weight. It isn't, and it's fine for you to tell her you don't like it.

@kettlechips123

I agree with this. ^ My MIL, her sister, (DH's aunt,) my gran (and DH's) and even my own DM and aunts, (and a few neighbours who are their generation,) have deemed it OK to comment on peoples weight. Always women mind you, and younger ones too...

When I first had DC in the 1990s, my grandmother - then in her early 80s, had a go at me when my first child was 8 weeks old, because I was still 'the size of a house' and she told me it was not a good look on me.

I had just had a baby, and was actually 11 stone. I had been 10 stone before getting pregnant, gone up to 13 and a half stone at full-term, and was 11 stone by the time my baby was 8 weeks old. Yet she still felt the need to say I was the size of a house.

Also, my MIL (although we got on ok,) also made little 'jokes' about my weight. Like how the suspension was being tested with Vera in the front seat, with a big grin on her face . I was 9 and a half to 10 stone, and am 5 ft 6.

FFS, no wonder people have eating disorders.

Why people feel the need to comment on anyones weight, just baffles me.