MIL comments on my weight. AIBU?

[kettlechips123]

I generally have a good relationship with my mother in law. She is a lovely woman in so many ways - apart from one.

Every time I speak with her (be it on the phone or in person) she laughs if I mention I've been to the gym or eaten a healthy meal. She is always commenting about my "diet" in a negative way. She is never supportive and makes comments about my clothes sizes. Even though we are the same size?

If it is relevant I am 5ft 7 and just over 12 stone. I'm aware I need to lose weight and am trying my best but sometimes I fall off the wagon (with the year we've had it is very easy to!)

My husband just tells me to ignore her and that she doesn't mean it. He doesn't like confrontation so he wouldn't tell her to shut up. A bit annoying but not much I can do as I don't want to cause any arguments or ill feelings.

AIBU to be pissed off with her comments and mocking? Or do I need to pull up my big girl pants and realise that this is standard MIL behaviour (from what I've heard anyway).

Thanks all.

You can address this without causing bad feeling (and anyway, there IS bad feeling: you are upset)

Have a few comments ready to use in a calm, polite but direct manner.

“Actually I was just telling you what I have been doing, I wasn’t asking your advice or opinion”

“Really? That feels a bit rude, did you mean it that way?”

“Why do you find it funny that I went to the gym? You often say that sort of thing and I wondered why”

“To be honest I don’t find that response helpful. If you want to support me in being a healthier maybe you could be a bit more encouraging? Changing our habits is hard for any of us”

Etc.

YABU for being so passive! Assertiveness techniques.

Nope. You genuinely need to tell her to stop.
It took me until I was 47 to tell my mother!

Love the responses Marianne and the old traditional MN "did you mean to be so rude?"

@PrettyLittleFlies

Seems to be generational in that older people feel free to comment on others' weight. It isn't, and it's fine for you to tell her you don't like it.

Stop with the ageist comments.

Younger people are just as capable of being rude as older people.

@PleasantBirthday

Normal conversation is not an invitation for a cunty remark. Why do people always say that is?

Well, if there's something that I don't want any comment on, I just don't say anything about it, usually. I mean, for most people, telling them you went to the gym might be normal, pleasant conversation but with some people it clearly isn't so why not just not say anything that they're going to make remarks about rather than continuing to tell them things in the hope that they will not make remarks?

Do you find generally that arseholes will only choose one thing to be arseholes about?

If the OP stops mentioning her weight the MIL will find a way to do bring it up herself or will switch to other ways to needle her. Eventually, should the OP just work in interpretive dance or mime to avoid subjects that could cause the MIL to behave in a cunty way?

Fuck off is also a useful phrase for your tool belt.

Do you find generally that arseholes will only choose one thing to be arseholes about?

Well, she says her mother in law is a lovely lady generally, I mean, it's possible that she's just awful and it's possible that she has a fixation on one issue. But I don't spend my life getting wound up about people saying things I don't like so I'd tend to assume the former rather than the latter.

Eventually, should the OP just work in interpretive dance or mime to avoid subjects that could cause the MIL to behave in a cunty way?

If she feels that would be productive, that would be entirely her own choice.

Just stop talking about diets to her, maybe she's bored of hearing about it. It's pretty much all I used to hear about from some of the women in the office and it gets really wearing. Are you banging on about 'syns' or points to her?

My mil did the same when I was pregnant and kept commenting on my weight, especially around my daughter which I didn't like. In the end I messaged her (i know, easy way out) and asked her to stop with the weight comments. You will have to ask yours to stop too. I don't understand the obsession with other people's weight, it's incredibly strange. When I was going through a real shit time and not trying to lose weight I had comments, oh you look good you've lost weight. Like honestly, fuck off. (Usually I find it hard to lose weight because of a medical condition so I really was feeling low at that time) please speak up for yourself op x

I agree with a PP who said when she laughs, say "what's the joke?" And if she explains or makes another comment, "I don't get it?"
If she's outright rude, just tell her directly to stop commenting on your weight, it's very rude. or just tell her to fuck off

There's nothing wrong with your weight. I'm 5ft 5 and 13 stone. Size 14. - I'd be happy if I was 12 stone, taking me down to size 12. What's your BMI?

Sorry to hear about your Mil being like this, I think that you should avoid all topics about gym/weight in any conversations and change subject/say you don’t want to talk about it if she persists or ask her if she wants to come to the gym with you (which should scare her off!!).
I am afraid my Mil is tactless in the extreme regarding weight comments (pretty sure one of my first comments from her on meeting was she was glad he picked someone with meat on their bones!!) she is very old and has been told numerous times by OH not to make comments but she will not change. In all other respects she is lovely and I choose to focus on that but it is not easy. She is not a skinny person either, she stops eating chocolate/crisps periodically, goes on diets so she is not perfect in this department. Very occasionally she will make a comment about OH weight which always shocks him but I think well its not my turn today! The only thing that does make me scream internally is when we do see each other I get a full look/scan which is not subtle! before a tactless comment, I have gained a lot of weight recently due to illness/medication so god knows what she will do next time probably faint I hope!!

Also your weight is fine! I would kill to be your weight !

I would suggest every time she has a dig about your weight if it's on the phone say immediately OK I'm going now Bye and put the phone down. If she immediately rings back ignore it as she'll probably say you're being oversensitive and turn it into an argument casting you as the baddie. If you're at her house immediately get up and leave the room for 10 minutes. Go for a walk if necessary. If she's in your house tell her people who make bitchy comments about your weight are not welcome and if she does it again she'll have to leave. Teach her that bitching about your weight leads to unpleasantness for her instead of for you. If she's overweight herself just say please stop projecting your own weight issues onto me.

Avoid mentioning diets gym etc. If she asks about them give her one word answers. Don't provide her with ammunition.

Re DH not liking confrontation. He probably knows that challenging her will lead to more trouble for him than not supporting you does. Your feelings are just as important as his. Why should his avoiding confrontation mean that you get to be insulted regularly. You could try teaching him that from now on not supporting you leads to more confrontation than not being firm with her. But this could just lead to endless arguments with your DH while MIL carries on regardless. It may be easiest to suggest that he visits her alone and that you don't speak to her on the phone. Don't announce it just calmly say when it crops up. When he asks why just say you're sick of being insulted. Let him explain it to her. Then play it by ear regarding future contact and hopefully she'll get the message.

Take control and do your best to avoid an argument. She is boosting her own ego at the expense of yours. The more effect it has on you the bigger the ego boost for her. Your husband not supporting you shows her she has more power than you. Calmy let them know you won't accept it any more and leave them to deal with it between themselves.

Can you tell I'm talking to my younger self here lol. If only Mumsnet had been around when I was younger I might have realised years ago that it isn't compulsory to see your MIL. Mine can also be lovely but she's also been over fond of sugar coated insults.

You need to sort this OP. Because it's not the childish insults from your MIL that do the damage. It's the lack of support from your DH that will harm your marriage over the years. I am speaking from experience here.

Good luck xx

Say "ouch" everysingle time.
It's non confrontational but calls out the mean remark

This sucks.

Think about whether this is something you could feel comfortable doing nextt time she pulls this crap, just say one word firmly and no more:

“Rude.”

Then have the courage to not try and fill the shocked silence that follows the first time you do it. In fact, enjoy the awkwardness, it’s all hers. As many have said, she’s not worried about upsetting you. Good luck, OP.

I mean this politely, but do you really believe that someone intent on being rude will stop if you avoid certain topics of conversation?

Maybe, maybe not, but the op doesn’t need to go asking for it. She can just avoid the subject, see if it reduces the responses any.

Also it’s easy

What have you been up to today,
Oh x y and z (no need to mention gym)! What about you?
What have you eaten
Normal stuff can’t even remember, you?

If you know you’re going to get a shite response then stop raising it.

Your weight is totally fine.

I think you are oversharing personal information with her. Stop discussing your weight, eating and exercise habits with her as it just gives her an opening for the rude and personal comments.. I'd never have discussed that with my MIL. It just isn't information I like to share anyway.

She maybe does see it as just being conversational, but it isn't. So unfortunately if she does comment you do need to let her know how much it distresses you and that the subject isn't up for discussion.

You don't have to be horribly rude to get your point across. Just say something like "MIL, my weight and appearance are very personal issues. I really don't like needlessly discussing them and would greatly appreciate if you could stop commenting. It distresses me."

Yes, it might make her feel bad, but it isn't actually rude, it is a reasonable thing to say given that she has been upsetting you and apparently not understanding that. Sometimes there is only one way to make your point. She might then think more carefully next time.

You said she's lovely and she's the same size as you. My mum is appalling about weight, she seems to think it's just a free-for-all, the perpetual battle we all face together.

I realise I've spent my entire life having my weight discussed. It's taken me till now to tell her to stop talking about her, mine, everyone's weight. I simply hold my hand up and say "no more weight talk" the moment I hear her kicking off. It's horrendous. She was saying one day she can't believe Charles Saatchi is with Trinny Woodall, I said why genuinely interested. Of course it turned out that he was obviously some sort of fat chasing pervert because he was previously with Nigella Lawson. As if all we are is a set of dimensions.

You've got some really good advice here on how to approach it. I wouldn't get any digs into her or avoid the topic, I would simply say "what's funny?" or "why are you commenting on my weight? Very rude". I liked @MarianneUnfaithful replies too.

There are different ways of looking at this.

1. It's generational -some women of the older generation (70+) will actually have described "slimming" as their hobby and a lot of their social currency (the topics they cover in chat with other women) will be about weight, diet and exercise. It's not personal, it's not meaningful, it's just chat.

1. She is crossing a boundary and needs to be stopped. Funny how becoming a MIL somehow gives someone the entitlement to cross those boundaries...

My own MIL does this weight chat. I find it really annoying, and it means I get my hackles up before she even visits in preparation for being "appraised" based on my weight. She also talks about her own weight and diet at length which is really boring (for me) and quite toxic for my children.

I have tried (and tried and tried) being mindful of 1. above and just nodded/ignored hoping that my lack of interest will stop her relying on this as a topic of conversation. It hasn't worked, except that I have realised that what she says is actually a lot less toxic than it feels. Now that I get it as meaningless conversation I can see how my own feelings in response had made it seem worse, somehow.

My next plan is just to say (if in front of the kids, cutting her off as soon as it starts): "I don't think that's a great topic right now, let's talk about something else". (And repeat if she continues). If I need to up the ante I will say: "that kind of talk can be quite toxic for the children, let's leave it there"...with a hard stare.

But in all likelihood she will say something when we are alone. I'm erring toward playing Columbo and asking her, "I wonder why it is that your generation often make comments about other people's bodies, diet and exercise? It's so peculiar when it has become so inappropriate for subsequent generations." She will know that there is truth in this as she has heard me tell the children "we don't comment on other people's bodies, their bodies are not our business".

So make an effort not to mention diet or exercise at all when you speak to her. It will result in stilted, shorter conversations, but that's on her.

If something does inadvertently slip out, or she mentions it proactively, I'd go for a sharp intake of breath and an "Oh", then after a few more seconds "Well nice talking to you MIL, gotta go". Hopefully she'll take the hint soon enough.

I had a MIL like this. Obsessed by peoples weights. Complained about everyone’s weight on the TV incessantly, including Olympic athletes.
Bought me size 6 clothes to ‘slim into’ and told me I could I could go on the biggest loser. I was 8 stone.
Always asked me if I was ‘slimming’ and literally thought I should eat no food when we came to stay ‘are you stuffing your face again’ when eating cereal for break
My SIL is one of those people who doesn’t eat in front of company and makes a big fuss ordering low calorie food when eating out. Didn’t eat like that in private but MIL loved her for it.
I don't miss MIL. She was really chuffed when she got old and frail and lost all her muscle tone as she went down a dress size.

Omg my mother is like that. The upside to her cancer was being so thin. She is a bag of bones but proud of not being overweight

Looking after elderly people, you do realise there are a lot of elderly women with undiagnosed eating disorders.

It took a long time to get through to my mum that it would be polite for her to at least say hello before she commented on my weight.

I found it incredibly hurtful but I now realise she is far more hurtful to herself about her own weight and appearance, and she picked this up from her mum who made equally blunt comments about it... Like@Psychonabike says, she can keep up a whole conversation about the weight and dietary habits of every single person she has met. Thinks it's normal and meant kindly.

We need to stop the cycle before it hits another generation.