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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL opinions needed

66 replies

jo202107 · 06/07/2021 07:07

My husband left his phone on the counter opened to texts between him and his mother:

M: find documentation with your national insurance number when wife is out today
H: ok
M: send me your post code and email
H: ok
M: I will fill out the forms for you
H: ok —

I immediately asked him wtf does this mean? Imagining divorce etc. He said she is trying to get us social housing… We earn almost 50k between us and don’t need social housing we are renting and saving for our first mortgage. I have personally told her this on many occasions when she has told me we would be better of in social housing. Husband insisted ‘he’s in the middle’ and ‘trying to keep everyone happy’ Personally I think he is just trying to keep his over bearing mother happy at my expense. I feel disrespected because I am being totally ignored and now they are actually going behind my back. Are there legal implications also?

Opinions please - unfortunately my parents passed away years ago so I don’t have anyone to lean on for emotional support and help understanding these actions, my friends will literally just side with me and I need an objective opinion.

Many thanks 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/07/2021 07:09

Just ignore it. You’re not going to get social housing so it’s all irrelevant.let the pair of them waste their time.

NightOwl19 · 06/07/2021 07:10

I'm struggling to see the real reason being social housing.

Social housing is in massive demand and if she's filling them out with your DH address and postcode then the forms would have to say he is currently private renting and then he would be that far down on the list the wait would be years and years. Some areas have a 10+ year wait.

AtlasPine · 06/07/2021 07:12

Outrageous that she is asking for your info behind your back. Outrageous that he might be considering giving it.

Speaking as a MIL.

Drivingmeupthewall · 06/07/2021 07:12

She’s deliberately trying to get him to keep secrets from you and collude with her on her plans for your living arrangements. Why is she determined you should live in a council house?!
Moral issues aside, the exclusion of you by her and your husband needs tackling. Your husband needs to stand up to his overbearing and overly involved mother. Confused do you think that’s likely to happen? Based on his flimsy comments, probably not.

FawnFrenchieMum · 06/07/2021 07:13

Surely you would both need to complete the forms?
Your DH needs to stand up to his DM and say no thanks, my wife & I make those decisions, not my mother. I’m a fully grown adult.

Ughmaybenot · 06/07/2021 07:13

I don’t think I’d be too inclined to buy a house with a man who seemed to think that he and his mother could make decisions about my life without me being involved Hmm

AtlasPine · 06/07/2021 07:13

Sorry -I’m wrong - it’s his info. Still pretty pathetic and unimpressive. He shouldn’t be conniving behind your back.

Sciurus83 · 06/07/2021 07:14

Tell him he is not stuck in the middle. His bloody mother does not get to decide where you live and go behind your back filling in important forms for you. Unless he is planning on leaving you and becoming homeless and the forms are for just him there is no way you are eligible. She needs to butt out and he needs to tell her, YANBU

dancemom · 06/07/2021 07:15

Wow she's completely overstepping and he's completely undermining you. Unacceptable on both counts.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 06/07/2021 07:18

Unless his mother is part of the marriage he isn't stuck in the middle

Waspsarearseholes · 06/07/2021 07:21

I can't see you getting social housing. It's sneaky what she was doing and your husband needs to tell her to butt out of your life but there's no way you'll get a house in this decade. She can't make you move into a house you don't want to move to anyway. As a PP says, let her waste her time.

Bagelsandbrie · 06/07/2021 07:23

You don’t have to move into a house you don’t want so let them get on with it and then just say no.

rainbowstardrops · 06/07/2021 07:23

I'd be spelling it out loud and clear to him that he absolutely does not go behind your back EVER otherwise he can go and live with mummy!

WhyArePiratesCalledPirates · 06/07/2021 07:27

Whether you qualify or not is irrelevant. This is massively out of line (in my opnion).
You've discussed it. Said no.
So now he's enabling and supporting her to go behind your back.
Nope.
Would be very pissed off at that. She needs to take her nose out and he needs more respect for you.
Not exactly team behaviour.
Well. It is. But that team doesn't include you.

Nicolastuffedone · 06/07/2021 07:32

I would’ve been straight on the phone to her and left her in no doubt about how angry I was about her interference and going behind my back. I had to do this with my sister in law and her awful son, they got it with both barrels…we are now NC and it’s bliss! As for your husband, he needs to find a backbone from somewhere.

AtlasPine · 06/07/2021 07:36

He has a right to put his name down for a council house himself if it’s that important to him (although in the unlikely scenario he gets one before you have pissed off because of his sneaky ways, you don’t have to agree to live there.

It’s doing all this behind your back which sours.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2021 07:36

How long have you been married to this pathetic mummy's boy?

Original poster
jo202107 · 06/07/2021 07:37

Thank you all this is really helping me sort my head out.

I did feel so angry at first and was going to contact her but the way husband brushes it off and I know how much of a dragon she is - I didn’t want to rock the boat. I feel like I’d rather jump ship.

Thanks all

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 06/07/2021 07:39

Mmm, yeah I don’t think I’d be very happy about this OP. I agree with others it’s a complete waste of her time but it’s a slippery slope if your husband agrees to give your details behind your back to his mother. If he’s only giving his own - fine, he’s entitled to let his mum fill out a form for him if that makes him happy/keeping the peace.
It’s extremely unlikely to lead anywhere.
What I will say is that if she gets away with this, what’s the next thing she will get involved in? I would firmly tell HIM you didn’t realise his mum overruled his marriage and see what he says.
I’m sure somewhere in her mind she’s trying to help so I’d direct this to him.

Original poster
jo202107 · 06/07/2021 07:39

4 years and it’s been ok - she has been over bearing with me for the first couple years and I have deliberately distanced from her. I guess this is why they feel they have to go behind my back.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 06/07/2021 07:40

No they’re trying to get him social housing.

Bagelsandbrie · 06/07/2021 07:43

Perhaps he has no intention of going through with it either and he thinks it’s easier just to pretend to go along with it? Doesn’t make it right but….

couchparsnip · 06/07/2021 07:49

Is he planning to leave?

Yummymummy2020 · 06/07/2021 07:49

That’s so weird that she is doing that. I would leave them to it once it’s not your details he is giving out. If they are truthful on the forms there will be no legal implications but by being truthful I doubt very much he would get the housing anyway. I agree it’s a waste of time. I wouldn’t be happy with this level of interfering.

KarlUrbansWife · 06/07/2021 07:56

@Ughmaybenot

I don’t think I’d be too inclined to buy a house with a man who seemed to think that he and his mother could make decisions about my life without me being involved Hmm
This. It does not bode well for the future at all. She will be a nightmare if you have children, nip it in the bud now!