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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL opinions needed

66 replies

jo202107 · 06/07/2021 07:07

My husband left his phone on the counter opened to texts between him and his mother:

M: find documentation with your national insurance number when wife is out today
H: ok
M: send me your post code and email
H: ok
M: I will fill out the forms for you
H: ok —

I immediately asked him wtf does this mean? Imagining divorce etc. He said she is trying to get us social housing… We earn almost 50k between us and don’t need social housing we are renting and saving for our first mortgage. I have personally told her this on many occasions when she has told me we would be better of in social housing. Husband insisted ‘he’s in the middle’ and ‘trying to keep everyone happy’ Personally I think he is just trying to keep his over bearing mother happy at my expense. I feel disrespected because I am being totally ignored and now they are actually going behind my back. Are there legal implications also?

Opinions please - unfortunately my parents passed away years ago so I don’t have anyone to lean on for emotional support and help understanding these actions, my friends will literally just side with me and I need an objective opinion.

Many thanks 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Immaculatemisconception · 06/07/2021 07:58

@FawnFrenchieMum

Surely you would both need to complete the forms? Your DH needs to stand up to his DM and say no thanks, my wife & I make those decisions, not my mother. I’m a fully grown adult.
This is all you need to know.
Disfordarkchocolate · 06/07/2021 08:09

Perhaps they are planning to apply for housing for just him and not you?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/07/2021 08:11

OP if you believe him you are a fool. If this is all legit and above board why did he have ti wait til you went out to try and find your NI number? Why not just ask you for it? And why is his mother involved?

Lemonmelonsun · 06/07/2021 08:15

Oh no, they are a team colluding agaisnt you, I'd be very concerned about leaving any personal documents out.
Are you even sure it's really his mum, I've heard of scam situations where its the lover or something..
I'd be gathering up all personal bank statements and papers but I'd have done that before alerting them your into them.

Be careful op!! Sad

30degreesandmeltinghere · 06/07/2021 08:17

Is she helping him plan on leaving you?

Lemonmelonsun · 06/07/2021 08:20

Also whilst she may not have the post code the email and stuff sounds very suspicious?

diddl · 06/07/2021 08:22

He should just be telling her that no, she doesn't need that info for anything.

"M: I will fill out the forms for you"

That is so embarrassing.

Mumsgirls · 06/07/2021 08:23

Forty years ago my ex mil was whispering in my fiancé’s ear about how I was getting him in debt buying a property. She wanted us to live with her until we got a council house. We had a deposit and I had a low rate staff mortgage. I told him we buy or no wedding. We paid 8000 for a three bed semi lol. We divorced after a few years but were both on the ladder and are now both retired with lovely mortgage free homes. She was war generation and feared debt but not eternal rent to no end.
I wonder if she ever admitted I was right ? Her husband was a war hero and a time served tradesman worked in a well paid job for forty years never owned a brick.
My parents earned the same, bought a semi for three thousand and left a legacy that is is helping five dgc on the ladder. You have probably more chance on lotto than getting a council house.
Years later interfering mil like this make me mad. As my case proves you are right and if partner cannot see it send him packing to mil.
My ex mil interfered and helped wreck 3 marriages for her mother’s boy son. She was poison. Why don’t some get it, ? we are just like animals and the aim is to bring up offspring who function as independent adults. In your case they should both be warned and would end it if any repetition
.

jackstini · 06/07/2021 08:24

I would 100% let her know that you've seen the messages and let her try and explain - face to face if possible

You have a DH problem - go round together and tell her you will not be applying for social housing, she has massively overstepped a boundary and what she did was completely unacceptable

If DH can't do that, he's welcome to move back in with her!

RothRoth · 06/07/2021 08:31

I'd be worried about what else they're going behind your back with OP.

RothRoth · 06/07/2021 08:32

*doing

MrsClatterbuck · 06/07/2021 08:35

I would have been tempted to text back

Not happening so butt out
The Wife

Howcanthisbe123 · 06/07/2021 08:38

I wouldn’t care at all, what I would care about is the “when wife is out today”!!!

That would tip me over the fucking edge, can’t stand people who go behind your back on purpose, can’t tolerate it when it’s someone who is supposed to love you!!

Howcanthisbe123 · 06/07/2021 08:39

I’d be putting them both in their place.

Wombat36 · 06/07/2021 08:42

Nope, he should have your back. Not be skewered by the fence he's sitting on. Tho, he's not, he's colluding with her.

I'd leave, tbh. It's like him having an affair, as he's effectively got another woman to keep happy.

dworky · 06/07/2021 08:48

@Bluntness100

Just ignore it. You’re not going to get social housing so it’s all irrelevant.let the pair of them waste their time.
Ignore her instructing him to deceive his wife? Ignore him deceiving her? I genuinely worry for women like you.
kwiksavenofrillsusername · 06/07/2021 08:50

Putting in an application as a single person would be a waste of time. Most councils wouldn’t even put you on the list. And you’d only be able to bid on one bed properties at most.

I wonder if MIL thinks he should apply ‘just in case’ he breaks up with you. Or she’s one of those people who think you can just apply for a council house and get a lovely big three bed property just because.

Iwonder08 · 06/07/2021 08:54

OMG.. It is not crazy MIL you need to worry about. Your DH was going to provide your personal information like NI number to someone else without your consent? He is trying to make a decision about housing with his mum behind your back? He is also saying he is stuck in the middle? Middle of what? His mum has zero to do with your housing. It is not her decision at all as it concerns only two of you.
Unless he fully comprehends the extent of his grossly inappropriate behaviour I would leave over this.

Dollhousedoor · 06/07/2021 08:58

If they are doing it secretly without asking for your details the application is likely to be in his name only, a possible reason for that is that they could be stating on the form that his need for housing is that he is to be made homeless as a result of relationship breakdown in an attempt to increase priority to bump the application up the list. However even with that, as a single person he is likely to wait some time as demand is so high and families, those fleeing abuse or crime and those with medical concerns etc will be prioritised. Unless he is going to claim any of those are an additional current concern he will be on that list for a long long time. Only you can decide but I think I'd be telling him to go live with his mother.

AlternativePerspective · 06/07/2021 09:06

You don’t actually know this is about social housing though, that’s just what he said. And given he’s been going behind your back you can’t possibly trust him.

Zilla1 · 06/07/2021 09:14

It's odd he sees there as a middle between you and his DM in how you and he would be housed with him in the middle. A middle might be a disagreement about a birthday meal. There is no locus for your MIL concerning your housing, just your and your DH's positions if different.

diddl · 06/07/2021 09:18

@AlternativePerspective

You don’t actually know this is about social housing though, that’s just what he said. And given he’s been going behind your back you can’t possibly trust him.
Yup!

If he's interested in SH he should just say so to Op.

He can't be "in the middle" as surely he either wants to apply or he doesn't?

Surely applying for SH if you don't want to isn't something that you do to keep Mummy happy?

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 06/07/2021 09:19

Sneaky behaviour. He needs to grow up. If he agrees with you then he needs the courage to tell his mum this, not pacify her by ‘going along with it’.

BreatheAndFocus · 06/07/2021 09:24

He’s pathetic. He’s not “stuck in the middle”, he’s tied to his mother’s apron strings. It’s none of her business what you and he do. She can make suggestions but the decision is yours. She’ll be running your whole marriage next.

He needs to stand up to her. These people are only ‘dragons’ because others allow them to get away with things.

Horehound · 06/07/2021 09:28

Em this is not normal. Not ok.
You need to have another discussion and I think I'd be asking him to call his mother, whilst you are there and he has to tell her it's not happening.
I'd leave if he didn't do it.