MIL opinions needed

[jo202107]

My husband left his phone on the counter opened to texts between him and his mother:

M: find documentation with your national insurance number when wife is out today
H: ok
M: send me your post code and email
H: ok
M: I will fill out the forms for you
H: ok —

I immediately asked him wtf does this mean? Imagining divorce etc. He said she is trying to get us social housing… We earn almost 50k between us and don’t need social housing we are renting and saving for our first mortgage. I have personally told her this on many occasions when she has told me we would be better of in social housing. Husband insisted ‘he’s in the middle’ and ‘trying to keep everyone happy’ Personally I think he is just trying to keep his over bearing mother happy at my expense. I feel disrespected because I am being totally ignored and now they are actually going behind my back. Are there legal implications also?

Opinions please - unfortunately my parents passed away years ago so I don’t have anyone to lean on for emotional support and help understanding these actions, my friends will literally just side with me and I need an objective opinion.

Many thanks 🙏🏻

Could it be mil helping dh form a plan to leave you ?
As others have said they would require the national insurance number etc for all applicants not just him

He’s in not “in the middle”. He is being weak and pathetic, letting his mum walk all over him. Very unattractive

I’m confused about why she thinks you would get anywhere with your current circumstances! I guess that shows how clueless she is and she must love wasting her time

It sounds like there is more to this that meets the eye..this isn't just his parent helping you both to get social housing.

Why haven't your details been asked for aswell ? Any why not involve you in the process if that's the case?

You'd have to apply with both names of partie's involved in moving and who will be on the documentation just like private rented accommodation or a mortgage.

Sorry to say It, but I genuinely think she's helping him leave you.

Have you been OK in the relaionship recently or is there something that could be making him want out?..

Either way I think I'd be running for the hills especially if my partner let anyone else have financial/housing/relationship control whilst ignoring my say in the matter.

Your his partner no-one should be sneaking round making decisions that involve you both "while your wife is out" thats the killer line for me

I wish you the best of luck and a LOT of tolerance for the future if you choose to stay with this man.
x

You need to have a serious conversation with him about his overbearing mother. You are married adults, why is she involving herself in your life so much? Also doing it on the 'sly'. What a bizzare woman.

I genuinely couldn’t live with such a pathetic man.

The 'when your wife is out' says a lot...

Why would anyone think it was ok to make a decision on someone elses behalf about where they live, without their involvement?

Why on earth would your husband feel 'in the middle', between his wife who should be fully involved in a decision, and his mother who it is nothing to do with and doesnt affect her at all?

Like others have said...it sounds like she's helping him to leave you, as if not they would need your details to go on the application as well.

Chances of him getting a council house is miniscule, but that's not the point. The point is they have making choices for you without informing you.

This of this as a warning for the future. If you have children with this man, do you think he will have your back? Or will his mother have the final say in how the children are raised, make all the choices for them and push you out?

This is a massive red flag. He's either planning to leave behind your back, or he is so lacking in backbone that he will put his mother's feelings before yours. He's shown you how (un)important you are to him, let this be a wake up call.

Are you reasonably certain it's social housing OP and not a loan, credit card or pension transfer or something else requiring remote identity verification?

I hope you don't have joint savings that he can access without you

This is outrageous. I should have serious words with both of them. To apply for housing you BOTH need to sign the form to say you have given accurate information. If she signs this for you it is fraud. she will need to provide ID for both of you; proof of NI number for you both; three months payslips for both of you; three months bank statements for all your accounts, proof of any benefits you receive including child benefit. You also, in most areas have to have a housing NEED, so a S21 letter from your landlords.

I wouldn't want my MIL having any of that information about me!

There's no harm in being on the council list but I would have stood up to my MIL years ago at the first sign of any interference and put her straight. Luckily, I had a nice one but did have several rows with my FIL and he knew where he stood with me.

Are you sure he isn't planning on leaving you?

So many great comments I’m so grateful to you all. I’m so glad I posted here - like I said in original post since I lost my parents I’ve kind of floundered and had nobody to turn to for good advice.

I completely accept all of the comments relating to how weak I am to let this happen without confronting MIL. I definitely feel very weak right now but I am taking steps to work on that, with a view to gaining my independence and being able to leave if this situation doesn’t change (I don’t think it will).

I’m also worried that I am not getting the full story or the truth as I associate NI details with tax and earnings but I did walk through the steps to apply for social housing via my own councils website and the first thing they ask for is an email and NI number so perhaps this is true. I do however agree that obviously they would need mine too for forms - maybe they are doing me a favour and he is applying alone - unfortunately as you’ve all stated he won’t get very far in either case as social housing is for people with a need, he has a more than adequate wage to private rent.

Unfortunately we are financially tied - he even has access to my current account, this is something I obviously need to address immediately.

My head was totally confused this morning but with all of your help it’s getting clearer, I can’t thank you enough for your time and help.

Yeah you need to remove access ASAP change your banking passwords etc tell him you have been compromised and lock it down

@LemonFantaGin

Are you sure he isn't planning on leaving you?

This is exactly what I'm thinking. Nothing else really makes sense.

Get on phone to bank and stop his access asap. You cannot trust this man!