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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to treat MIL differently?

73 replies

User125547 · 05/07/2021 18:15

Hi,

DP and I are due to get married in a few weeks. He has a VERY strained relationship with his mum, there’s been months of arguments and the mum thinks I am encouraging it. This isn’t true, DP just finally decided to speak up.

Anyway, things are as civil as they can be and MIL will be attending our wedding. It has been planned very last minute so is a register office followed by a pub event after our big fancy wedding was cancelled.

My mum is my best friend. I am close to her and she has helped immensely with anything I ask in life and in wedding planning. I know it’s customary to get the mother’s presents on the day. I want to get my mum a Tiffany necklace I know she’d like. I don’t want to get MiL one. DP has no interest in covering the cost of it personally, so I was going to buy a nice but not as expensive necklace for mil.

Is this just a no-go? The presents will probably be seen by others as the gifts are going to be at the venue.

YABU - make them equal or not at all
YANBU - do as you wish.

FWIW, DP doesn’t care what I do either way.

OP posts:
Etinox · 05/07/2021 18:16

Give your mum one privately.

Comedycook · 05/07/2021 18:16

For the sake of peace I'd just get her one too

Chronicallymothering · 05/07/2021 18:17

Just don't do it as part of the ceremony but gift your mum her necklace beforehand.

Mooloolabababy · 05/07/2021 18:18

How about a token gift the same to present them with and then the Tiffany necklace for your mum in private.

Lovewineandchocs · 05/07/2021 18:19

We gave each mother a bouquet of flowers on the day of the wedding but other little gifts in private afterwards. Could this be an option? You could then give your mum the necklace in private as etinox says.

BumbleMug · 05/07/2021 18:19

This is why people get away with treating others like shit. Tiptoe round them and treat them as equals despite them treating others badly.

I’d do as you wish. To be honest I’d not even get MIL a gift at all if there’s no genuine reason you want to thank her.

Maybe she’ll see how her actions don’t get ignored.

ChikiTIKI · 05/07/2021 18:19

Give your mum her gift before the wedding nobody will know when she got it.

Give MIL something totally different like flowers.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 05/07/2021 18:19

Yeah I'd do the necklace in private and flowers at the reception! Jxx

BramStoker · 05/07/2021 18:19

Agree with above
Give your Mum her gift in private and not in front of MIL
That would be cruel even if she isn't your favourite person

toomuchfaster · 05/07/2021 18:20

@Etinox

Give your mum one privately.
This. You can't treat them so differently in public at your wedding. It will only make things worse. Give them both a bunch of flowers at the wedding breakfast and give your mum the necklace at another time.
tallduckandhandsome · 05/07/2021 18:20

Sounds like the first step into wife work. You will set expectations for expensive presents at Christmas, birthdays etc.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You sort your mum out and let DP sort his if he wants to.

Comedycook · 05/07/2021 18:20

And to save face in front of guests

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 05/07/2021 18:21

Agree with Etinox: if you are going to do it, do it privately/away from the wedding itself - it won't be any less special.
I'd get them both a token to give them at the wedding as a public thanks (big bunch of flowers/plant/personalised wedding momento)

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/07/2021 18:22

Do what you wish but there is no need to have these gifts on show. Give them both similar flowers on the day and give your present privately to your mother. Your husband can decide what he wants to get his mother.

Chloemol · 05/07/2021 18:26

Give them both a bunch of flowers on the day and the necklace to your mum privately afterwards

Ewock · 05/07/2021 18:27

I regret even getting a bouquet for my mil. My pil did nothing except cause huge problems in the run up to our wedding but I still felt we should give her a bouquet the same as my mum, who had done loads to support us. My mil gave the flowers to her friend saying she couldn't manage to take them home. She didn't do this afterwards she did it straight away. So no I wouldn't give your mil the same.

Ozanj · 05/07/2021 18:28

I think it just depends on the causes of the problems between her and your OH. If their relationship in general has been fraught fair enough. But if it’s only been fraught during the wedding planning and it’s possible she is hurt by decisions you might have made, then it is a terrible thing to do.

Lougle · 05/07/2021 18:29

I agree with the majority. Flowers publicly, necklace privately.

Leftphalange · 05/07/2021 18:31

Agree, bouquet of flowers each at the reception, necklace either before or after.

MsSquiz · 05/07/2021 18:33

Give your mum her necklace in the morning, if she is getting ready with you, then she can wear it on the day.

Then either a bouquet of flowers for both mums during the reception, or nothing

saraclara · 05/07/2021 18:33

Give your mum her gift in private. It will be a much lovelier and more personal moment than it would be giving it to her in front of an audience.

Flowers for both mums if you want a public kind of acknowledgement.

Bagelsandbrie · 05/07/2021 18:35

Give your mums one privately. And don’t give the mil one at all. Seriously. Don’t create drama by doing the whole gift thing at the wedding.

ScaredNotAnxious · 05/07/2021 18:35

This sounds like my wedding (pre-Covid). We had 7 people going - DH was certain he wanted MIL there despite her being a nightmare of a human who blamed me for everything that was ever wrong in her life. She made us change the date and the venue to suit her and ruined the whole day (as much as she has the power to ruin such an amazing moment, at least). I'll be completely honest that I had no idea it was traditional to buy the mother's gifts ...oops. So, neither got a gift at ours. We're now NC with MIL, so, on balance, your MIL is getting off lightly even being invited - you certainly don't need to get her a gift. Give your DM a gift separately and MIL would never even know.

Notaroadrunner · 05/07/2021 18:36

Agree with the flowers at the ceremony. Then give your mum her necklace afterwards and you won't have to bother getting one for MIL, especially as dp won't be paying for anything for her.

dizzygirl1 · 05/07/2021 18:37

Give your mum the necklace in the morning as you are getting dressed, do flowers for both at the ceremony/venue. If you publicly treat them differently it will be remembered by everyone forever!