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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to treat MIL differently?

73 replies

User125547 · 05/07/2021 18:15

Hi,

DP and I are due to get married in a few weeks. He has a VERY strained relationship with his mum, there’s been months of arguments and the mum thinks I am encouraging it. This isn’t true, DP just finally decided to speak up.

Anyway, things are as civil as they can be and MIL will be attending our wedding. It has been planned very last minute so is a register office followed by a pub event after our big fancy wedding was cancelled.

My mum is my best friend. I am close to her and she has helped immensely with anything I ask in life and in wedding planning. I know it’s customary to get the mother’s presents on the day. I want to get my mum a Tiffany necklace I know she’d like. I don’t want to get MiL one. DP has no interest in covering the cost of it personally, so I was going to buy a nice but not as expensive necklace for mil.

Is this just a no-go? The presents will probably be seen by others as the gifts are going to be at the venue.

YABU - make them equal or not at all
YANBU - do as you wish.

FWIW, DP doesn’t care what I do either way.

OP posts:
Paddingtonitspaddingtonbear · 05/07/2021 18:37

I didnt get my mother or mother in law anything and I love them both equally. Only got my bridesmaids pandora gifts.

If you think it'll kick up a storm, just give it to your mother in private before the wedding?

BrilliantBetty · 05/07/2021 18:37

Give it to your mum on the morning when you're getting ready. More personal and she gets that moment with you having you just to herself for a few mins. It'll be lovely.

I wouldn't get MIL flowers or any token gift it's not necessary and just extra stress. They have a strained relationship, no need to hide it or highlight it. Just do your thing with your mum separately.

phoenixrosehere · 05/07/2021 18:40

I wrote YANBU, however don’t make a big show out of it in front of others.

God knows what your MIL is saying to others on her side of the family, considering what she thinks about you. It could make her seem in the right when it’s not the case. Leave everything in the future for her son to sort. She raised her son so should already know what he’s like when it comes to such occasions and if he is slack, that is mainly on her. It is not your issue nor your job to do for his mother for him, even more so if she is being rude to you.

Wombat36 · 05/07/2021 18:41

My in-laws were very awkward up to and during our wedding. They sort of hijacked it to suit themselves and were just really chippy the whole time. 25 years later and even though they've been ok ish since, I've never forgotten this. I felt bullied on my wedding day.

Give them the same present on the day, tho I didn't know it was a thing and give your lovely mum a really nice present in private. My mum didn't even really notice my wedding, despite attempts to include her for things like dress shopping, just talked about other family problems, so really treasure your mum!

Have plans in place to get her managed by a 3rd party!

singlehun · 05/07/2021 18:46

I've never seen this happen so if just get your mum the necklace, give it to her in private and don't give anything to either of them at the ceremony

SunshineCake · 05/07/2021 18:46

@Etinox

Give your mum one privately.
This is the only option. On the day give both some flowers.
Sally872 · 05/07/2021 18:48

Yanbu to give your mum more expensive gift. Would be hurtful for them to be treated obviously different in public though.

Flowers to both mum's at ceremony and necklace to your mum on wedding morning is what I would do.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 05/07/2021 18:48

Honestly that would be am awful thing to do. Get them both a bouquet and give your m the necklace in private, maybe in the morning so she can wear it.

HideousKinky · 05/07/2021 18:48

I know it's customary to get the mothers presents on the day

Am I alone in never having heard this before? Is it a new thing?

CareBear50 · 05/07/2021 18:49

@Mooloolabababy

How about a token gift the same to present them with and then the Tiffany necklace for your mum in private.
This ^
tallduckandhandsome · 05/07/2021 18:50

I didn’t get presents from Mum and MIL on my wedding day, why would I get them presents? They already get presents on Mother’s Day and whatnot.

MargosKaftan · 05/07/2021 18:53

All the weddings I have been to, the 2 mothers have been given gifts- usually flowers - to say thank you. (Bur then often the mums have done a lot of the admin to make the day work, from chasing up numbers, to establishing who's allergic to what, to helping source cakes/florists etc).

Give your mum the necklace together before the ceremony. She might want to wear it for the photos.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/07/2021 18:54

You've changed the reception to a lower key event so it's very easy to rid yourself of this sort of tradition.
Groomsmen can have gifts on the morning of the wedding, same with your mum and bridesmaids.
If you want to give gifts publicly to lots of people then some flowers will do the job but I wouldn't hesitate to not make them of equal size and value if you don't want to.

MeanyJoany · 05/07/2021 18:54

Definitely get one for your mother and give it to her privately

Sally872 · 05/07/2021 18:55

@tallduckandhandsome most weddings I have been to thank the mothers for being lovely generally and helpful with wedding prep and give a bouquet during the speeches. By busiest wedding period was 10-15 years ago so not new but possibly more usual in some areas than others.

Ponoka7 · 05/07/2021 18:55

@HideousKinky
"I know it's customary to get the mothers presents on the day
Am I alone in never having heard this before? Is it a new thing?"

It's always been etiquette. I've never been to a wedding, first one in 1976, were the Mothers haven't been given at least flowers.

Howcanthisbe123 · 05/07/2021 18:56

Treating them differently is fine but I wouldn’t do that in public though as it’s making a scene. I would gift them both flowers then the necklaces after in private.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/07/2021 19:06

I wonder whether it’s etiquette invented by florists. I think it’s pretty common to do it.

Give a gift to your mum privately and nothing publicly.

Demortuisnilnisibonum · 05/07/2021 19:09

@Mooloolabababy

How about a token gift the same to present them with and then the Tiffany necklace for your mum in private.
Yes, this.
Dacquoise · 05/07/2021 19:09

@BumbleMug, totally agree with you. However, PITA characters thrive on being the victim. My DM would have had an absolute meal out of being treated differently in an obvious way. I would pick your battles. Manage your big day to avoid drama and then let her know her how little you regard her when it's not going to rebound on you.

UmamiMammy · 05/07/2021 19:10

Give your mum her gift privately.

Radio4ordie · 05/07/2021 19:17

I agree. Give it to your mum privately and publicly give them both flowers.

July2mebabywouldJuly2me · 05/07/2021 19:18

I'll be completely honest that I had no idea it was traditional to buy the mother's gifts

It's not traditional.

I'd love to hear MIL's side of the story.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 05/07/2021 19:19

Please give the gift in private. I’ve been to a wedding where something similar happened, and to this day it is still the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever experienced. The whole room was waiting for the bride’s mother to be presented with a gift, and it never came. It completely overshadowed the rest of the day, because everyone was talking about it. You are absolutely not unreasonable to want to treat your mam, but please don’t do it in front of everybody.

godmum56 · 05/07/2021 19:21

@HideousKinky

I know it's customary to get the mothers presents on the day

Am I alone in never having heard this before? Is it a new thing?

no not alone, I have not heard of it either