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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to treat MIL differently?

73 replies

User125547 · 05/07/2021 18:15

Hi,

DP and I are due to get married in a few weeks. He has a VERY strained relationship with his mum, there’s been months of arguments and the mum thinks I am encouraging it. This isn’t true, DP just finally decided to speak up.

Anyway, things are as civil as they can be and MIL will be attending our wedding. It has been planned very last minute so is a register office followed by a pub event after our big fancy wedding was cancelled.

My mum is my best friend. I am close to her and she has helped immensely with anything I ask in life and in wedding planning. I know it’s customary to get the mother’s presents on the day. I want to get my mum a Tiffany necklace I know she’d like. I don’t want to get MiL one. DP has no interest in covering the cost of it personally, so I was going to buy a nice but not as expensive necklace for mil.

Is this just a no-go? The presents will probably be seen by others as the gifts are going to be at the venue.

YABU - make them equal or not at all
YANBU - do as you wish.

FWIW, DP doesn’t care what I do either way.

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 05/07/2021 19:25

I understand why you want to.
However I would give gifts of equal value publicly (flowers) and the necklace privately tbh. To let your mil know she has a cheaper gift is adding fuel (that's clearly not needed) to the fire and is unnecessary.

NumberTheory · 05/07/2021 19:26

Don’t give them presents publicly. Give your mum a present privately.

Treating them differently in public in such an obvious way wouldn’t just be a snub to your MiL, it will likely make some of your guests feel awkward witnessing it too. It’s your day but that doesn’t mean that basic manners towards your guests should be ignored.

MareMare · 05/07/2021 19:27

@tallduckandhandsome

Sounds like the first step into wife work. You will set expectations for expensive presents at Christmas, birthdays etc.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You sort your mum out and let DP sort his if he wants to.

Exactly.
Ninkanink · 05/07/2021 19:29

As pp have said, flowers and a token gift for both, then give your mum the necklace separately.

Iloveacurry · 05/07/2021 19:34

Buy them both flowers to present at the wedding, and give your mum the necklace separately.

AliceMcK · 05/07/2021 19:47

I don’t see why you should have to give your DM her gift in secret. Present them both with flowers and gifts at the wedding. Nice Tiffany necklace for your DM and something cheap but presented nicely for your mil. If she says anything, then say you didn’t think they would want the same. Or give DH the job of getting his mums gift and you your mums.

Heartofglass12345 · 05/07/2021 19:51

I would rather give my mum the gift in private anyway so it's more personal. However if your partner doesn't care I don't see why you should be sorting anything out for his mum to be honest, why is it your job?

TidyOmlette · 05/07/2021 19:54

If you give your mum one and not your MIL one publically she’ll definitely keep blaming you for the arguments.

I’d give your mum the necklace in private and give them both flowers on the day.

BritWifeInUSA · 05/07/2021 19:55

Customary to give the mother’s gifts? I’m on my second marriage and on both wedding days my mum got nothing from me. Had no idea that this was a thing. Both husbands had already lost their mothers by the time we got married so I’ve never had a MIL.

But so what if it’s tradition? There are many traditions associated with weddings and you don’t have to follow them all.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 05/07/2021 19:57

You cannot seriously think that this would be ok?

Give your mother her special gift in private. In public, either give them both a token gift or nothing at all.

Highlighting how you feel about your parents in front of a room full of guests will only reflect badly on you.

EllaBlaire · 05/07/2021 19:58

@HideousKinky

I know it's customary to get the mothers presents on the day

Am I alone in never having heard this before? Is it a new thing?

I’ve never heard of this.
coconutpie · 05/07/2021 20:00

You've already moved away from the big fancy wedding. There is absolutely no need to buy flowers or a gift as part of tradition. Give your mum the Tiffany gift the morning of the wedding privately. Do nothing for MIL. She doesn't deserve it.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 05/07/2021 20:01

Etinox nailed this with their response - Give your mum one privately.
AND I would suggest you do it as a "Thanks for being my Mum" gift a couple of days before the wedding, so it's not really a MOTB gift, it's just a spontaneous and lovely gift from a daughter to her mother.

He has a VERY strained relationship This tells you everything. Let him lead you in your future relationship as her DIL.

Babynames2 · 05/07/2021 20:04

YABU to do this at the wedding. Other people will notice and it will look a bit odd and might lead to a bit of tension with MIL. For the sake of not spoiling the atmosphere I would give them both flowers at the wedding and give your mom the necklace either after or before so she can wear it on the day (then it’s just a gift from her daughter, rather than wedding related).

DSGBT · 05/07/2021 20:06

I gave my mum her gift the day before the wedding in private. It was earrings which she then wore to the wedding. We didn’t get MiL anything because my DH didn’t even really want her there and she caused a right scene as we knew she would!

tallduckandhandsome · 05/07/2021 20:10

[quote Sally872]@tallduckandhandsome most weddings I have been to thank the mothers for being lovely generally and helpful with wedding prep and give a bouquet during the speeches. By busiest wedding period was 10-15 years ago so not new but possibly more usual in some areas than others.[/quote]
Oh I see! My mum and MIL did nothing! 😂

maddening · 05/07/2021 20:15

Give your mum the necklace separately and both a bunch of flowers at the reception.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 05/07/2021 20:34

@Etinox

Give your mum one privately.
This.
Nanny0gg · 05/07/2021 21:33

It's a token present on the day. One of my daughter's MiL had nothing to do with prep or organisation. She still had the same flowers as me, which is how I think it should be. Its not just about the wedding

Original poster
User125547 · 06/07/2021 15:09

Sorry everyone for disappearing.

DP and his mum have fallen out after a series of events that began in childhood. DP went to therapy as he was having a difficult time understanding emotions and finally built the courage to confront her - however, I apparently put it all into his head. His mum is a narcissist.

I am going to give it before the ceremony when we are getting ready. I will do no gifts at the event though as I really can’t be bothered with even more presents.

Thanks all!

OP posts:
Etinox · 06/07/2021 15:55

That sounds like a good plan- I think etiquette is that the groom or best man gives a bunch of flowers to the mothers but if he’s uninterested definitely don’t take on the wifework.

BashfulClam · 06/07/2021 17:36

At every wedding I’ve been to, both mothers are thanked for their help and support and given a bouquet of flowers, that’s it. Not presents really.

Oldraver · 06/07/2021 18:30

I think the personal present to your Mum as you are getting ready will be much more intimate moment

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