Brother's child

[Auntzilla]

My brother and I are 18 months apart and have always been close and got on and this closeness has remained throughout and was not altered when we got married. I see him all the time and on occasion he has socialised with DH on his own.

This close bond mirrors the one our mother has with her sisters and as a result we are close to our cousins.

Sister-in-law is one of four full siblings , two half-siblings and three step-siblings one of whom was raised by SiL's mother, all but one of them are married/partnered.

SiL is different to me and has different priorities. I get this, we can't be all alike, she is pleasant and never rude but she has no interest in me which is fair enough but is completely indifferent to my children which upsets me. She is very 'down to earth' though in spite of being quite 'posh'. She has never ever stood in the way of my brother's relationship with us but rarely comes over or out with us.

They planned their wedding and she moaned and moaned about her father and step mother objecting to her step mother's children not being invited to the wedding and her father refusing to come. I thought SiL was a bit off not inviting them. Then invitations went out and one of my aunts asked my mother if brother realised my cousins had GF/BF as they weren't invited. Bombshell my husband (and at the time my one child)was not invited to their wedding either with no explanation was given in my invitation.

Well parents went round not all guns blazing but to gently ask what was going on. SiL simply said that as there was not going to be any dancing people didn't need their partners and if DH was invited five other people would have to be invited. Well wedding happened and her father and stepmother did come. I was a bit upset that my cousin's partner came as he was the Best Man. All through my brother kept apologising saying they could not afford to invite so many people.
Well years roll on I have two more children and their child has been born (in the middle of a pandemic). Baptism next month and just parents invited and cousin who is Godfather. This time neither DH or I are invited let alone the kids as once again this would mean around 20 others would have to be invited.

AIBU to feel that her father couldn't keep it in his trousers all those years ago so my family miss out on important occasions now! I am utterly insulted.

Am I unreasonable to think this. I am upset and my parents a weird mixture of anger and upset.

YANBU to be upset but you would be very U to have a go at SiL in such a way. Way to lose your brother.

From a comment in your OP, I think you're approaching this from the wrong angle. Headcount = money. That's what drove their wedding guest list and that plus covid is likely on their minds still. It's actually pretty sensible- but hurtful for you to be always left out. As Pp have said, the real issue is that your brother isn't standing up for his side of the family. I'd suggest the "you're hurting us " chat from you & parents together.

Also SiL might change her tune now she's got a baby & want closer cousins. Be aware that not everyone who is "indifferent" to other people's dc is doing it to be rude or out of dislike. We've 3 who are 3 and under across the wider family atm. I don't really like babies much but the real reason I won't go near the 9 & 18 month olds is because I'm broody but we aren't ttc atm and it hurts. I care v much about DPs baby niece and love buying for her; I just can't bear to be near.

DB and SIL may be in a more difficult position than you're giving them credit for. I have 7 more siblings than my husband does, it can be very hard to strike the right balance. For example, for our wedding we both invited all extended family and any friends we wanted there. Told both sets of parents they could invite a couple of friends. However PIL felt that they were owed extra invitations to even up the numbers on each side. They literally expected us to invite over 30 of his parents' friends that DH barely knew.

Given the size of my family, some of my siblings have had blanket "no partners or children" invitations for smaller events just to keep numbers down and it was always applied to their partners families too. It just seems fairer.

I know these examples are not at all the same as excluding a sibling, but when different sides of the family have different expectations it can be very tempting to just draw a line and put a blanket policy in place, even if some will be annoyed.

Your SIL and your brother have made these decisions, you can't judge from the outside that your family is more important.

Oh and if I had gotten wind that an in law had complained about reduced numbers because my dad "couldn't keep it in his trousers", that would be the end of them being invited to anything.

I know troll hunting is a no-no, but are 🚨Reverse Alerts 🚨 a thing that’s allowed?

I think this is a very well written reverse. I’d pretty much bought it until the really rude comment about the dad at the end. My guess is the OP is the SIL.

I see where you're coming from OP and it is shit. I've also been that uninvited aunt. It's nasty and unnecessary and happens to a lot of people going by what I've read here. SiL is running / organising things and showing who is in charge. Some folk just can't comprehend that other people and relationships exist outside their own family. I guess if you did like SiL to begin with, you are probably not so keen now. My only advice is stay civil to SiL and maintain a relationship with your brother and his children to avoid outer siberia. In future for birthdays, weddings etc just assume you're not included and get on with your own thing without any discussion. Maybe SiL secretly enjoys the drama she creates?

Yabu

I'm assuming it's during covid hence no dancing, plus money. Only inviting sim blinds but not partners makes a lot of sense. You are overthinking it

You have a brother problem. Your SIL doesn't take these decisions on her own.

Why are you blaming your s’n’law and not your brother? He could stand up and insist you get invited you know. It’s his kid too.

@KatherineJaneway

Reverse?

that's what I was thinking

cousins are not siblings. Don't get the problem.

@HelloDulling

AIBU to feel that her father couldn't keep it in his trousers all those years ago so my family miss out on important occasions now! I am utterly insulted

Perhaps you should have kept your knickers on, if you hadn’t had three children you might get invited to things more often.

😂😂😂

@HelloDulling

AIBU to feel that her father couldn't keep it in his trousers all those years ago so my family miss out on important occasions now! I am utterly insulted

Perhaps you should have kept your knickers on, if you hadn’t had three children you might get invited to things more often.

Well said.

OP you are spectacularly ignorant to your own selfishness . Who are you to judge the number of children your SiL's father has? what possible business of yours could it be?

SiL simply said that as there was not going to be any dancing people didn't need their partners

No dancing????

I don't get this thing about not inviting people to save money.
If I'm invited to a wedding I'll give £100 as a present. If myself and my wife are invited we'll give £200. The meal only costs £20-£30 so they're making a healthy profit.
I'm possibly missing the point of the thread :)

AIBU to feel that her father couldn't keep it in his trousers all those years ago so my family miss out on important occasions now! I am utterly insulted

Have only read your OP. This is a horrific Lou insulting thing to say.

@Holly60

You are not at all selfish. This is upsetting. Your husband and child didn’t get to go to your brother’s wedding? That’s really rubbish! And to not be invited to baptism is awful too! These children are cousins for goodness sake. In our family cousins are basically siblings

This!

Your brother isn't inviting you to the baptism of his child - wtf!

Your brother has his own family now
Maybe he finds that closeness you love a bit suffocating?
Mil is very close to her sister and when DH was younger they always pushed the cousins to be close. They get on fine but nobody is that bothered but interestingly the only people who are really close are our DD and the DD of one of DHs cousins but that’s largely down to being a similar age and same sex I think.
You can’t force people to be/stay close to family

@Hoppinggreen

Your brother has his own family now Maybe he finds that closeness you love a bit suffocating? Mil is very close to her sister and when DH was younger they always pushed the cousins to be close. They get on fine but nobody is that bothered but interestingly the only people who are really close are our DD and the DD of one of DHs cousins but that’s largely down to being a similar age and same sex I think. You can’t force people to be/stay close to family

They're still his family!

There's finding closeness suffocating and there's not inviting your sibling to a major event in your child's life.

Either OP is telling half a story or there's something more to this.

I don’t think you’re being selfish OP! I understand not wanting to invite cousins and partners to everything as that can get out of hand, but you’re his sister not his cousin? Surely they can invite you and your DH to things without having to invite all the cousins as well? I would see you as being in a slightly closer “tier” in that the cousins wouldn’t be offended if you were invited to things and they weren’t. I would be offended too. But it’s clear that your SIL doesn’t value family very much, and there isn’t much you can do about it - not really worth ruining the good relationship you have by explaining, just don’t invite them to things (unless it really is an affordability thing and money is tight, in which case don’t be offended as it’s out of their hands- although I struggle to see how extra guests at a baptism would be expensive.)

Gosh yes why would anyone want to meet up with family and friends, and celebrate the safe arrival of a new family member into the world. How terrible

A baptism celebrates safe arrival into the world? Seeing that I've had 2 friends baptise their child after they were a year old, their 'safe arrival' had already been well established 😂

Are you my sil?

@MolyHolyGuacamole

Gosh yes why would anyone want to meet up with family and friends, and celebrate the safe arrival of a new family member into the world. How terrible

A baptism celebrates safe arrival into the world? Seeing that I've had 2 friends baptise their child after they were a year old, their 'safe arrival' had already been well established 😂

Well, yes it does celebrate it. In the same way that a marriage celebrates the commitment two people have made to one another. They might have been together for a long while before they decided to get married but it doesn’t mean people shouldn’t celebrate because their relationship has been ‘well established’ 😂😂

I can see why you weren't invited

Their choices have nothing to do with you. Get over it.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@Holly60

Huh?? I have nieces and nephews on my husbands side- they aren’t my blood relatives but I am their aunt and they are my DCs cousins, so what else would they be? I’ve never heard anyone differentiate like this IRL, ever!

But you'd probably never see them again if you got divorced. So they're your husband's nieces and nephews.[/quote]
But most of us don't plan to divorce, and assume our nieces and nephews will be in our live forever as I was a part of my Aunts and Uncles ( by blood or by marriage) lives until they died.