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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's child

102 replies

Auntzilla · 05/07/2021 12:21

My brother and I are 18 months apart and have always been close and got on and this closeness has remained throughout and was not altered when we got married. I see him all the time and on occasion he has socialised with DH on his own.

This close bond mirrors the one our mother has with her sisters and as a result we are close to our cousins.

Sister-in-law is one of four full siblings , two half-siblings and three step-siblings one of whom was raised by SiL's mother, all but one of them are married/partnered.

SiL is different to me and has different priorities. I get this, we can't be all alike, she is pleasant and never rude but she has no interest in me which is fair enough but is completely indifferent to my children which upsets me. She is very 'down to earth' though in spite of being quite 'posh'. She has never ever stood in the way of my brother's relationship with us but rarely comes over or out with us.

They planned their wedding and she moaned and moaned about her father and step mother objecting to her step mother's children not being invited to the wedding and her father refusing to come. I thought SiL was a bit off not inviting them. Then invitations went out and one of my aunts asked my mother if brother realised my cousins had GF/BF as they weren't invited. Bombshell my husband (and at the time my one child)was not invited to their wedding either with no explanation was given in my invitation.

Well parents went round not all guns blazing but to gently ask what was going on. SiL simply said that as there was not going to be any dancing people didn't need their partners and if DH was invited five other people would have to be invited. Well wedding happened and her father and stepmother did come. I was a bit upset that my cousin's partner came as he was the Best Man. All through my brother kept apologising saying they could not afford to invite so many people.
Well years roll on I have two more children and their child has been born (in the middle of a pandemic). Baptism next month and just parents invited and cousin who is Godfather. This time neither DH or I are invited let alone the kids as once again this would mean around 20 others would have to be invited.

AIBU to feel that her father couldn't keep it in his trousers all those years ago so my family miss out on important occasions now! I am utterly insulted.

Am I unreasonable to think this. I am upset and my parents a weird mixture of anger and upset.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 05/07/2021 14:14

@tallduckandhandsome

I can see why you would be disappointed to not being invited to the baptism and also that your DH and DC not being invited to their wedding, but it doesn't sound like she targeted you specifically, just that she has a numbers limit. Of course her cousin would be invited if they are best man.

Also, what do you want her to do with your children? They are not her nieces and nephews, it's up to your brother to maintain a relationship with your dc, not her.

Huh?? I have nieces and nephews on my husbands side- they aren’t my blood relatives but I am their aunt and they are my DCs cousins, so what else would they be? I’ve never heard anyone differentiate like this IRL, ever!
RaspberryRoyale88 · 05/07/2021 14:14

Yabu.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/07/2021 14:16

I'm sure when her dad was flinging his seed about all those years ago he was cackling at the thought of your precious family missing out. He may even still be laughing now, after all, the world clearly revolves around you and yours Confused

MolyHolyGuacamole · 05/07/2021 14:17

Sorry I know everyone thinks differently but I cannot imagine who TF wants to go to a baptism? I couldn't think of anything more boring, much rather spend my weekend relaxing and doing what I want to do.

A whole lot of drama over nothing. Count yourself lucky.

Worldwide2 · 05/07/2021 14:17

@difficultpifcultlemondifficult
This made me crack up 🤣🤣

Worldwide2 · 05/07/2021 14:18

@Auntzilla

Your username fits you perfectly

MiddleClassProblem · 05/07/2021 14:19

I think it is upsetting to be in your position and shot to realise that your brother is drifting away from you but I don’t think that justifies the way you talk about her family or your self assured judgement of the situation.

It’s odd that you were upset that he invited his best man but not your husband. When you have views like this it makes it hard for people to give you sympathy for what is actually a crap situation.

Holly60 · 05/07/2021 14:20

@MolyHolyGuacamole

Sorry I know everyone thinks differently but I cannot imagine who TF wants to go to a baptism? I couldn't think of anything more boring, much rather spend my weekend relaxing and doing what I want to do.

A whole lot of drama over nothing. Count yourself lucky.

Gosh yes why would anyone want to meet up with family and friends, and celebrate the safe arrival of a new family member into the world. How terrible Hmm
Zilla1 · 05/07/2021 14:22

That must be upsetting, OP. SIL (and your brother given they are a couple) seem to have drawn a line that excludes you and your DH and DC. I would ask your brother what you should expect going forward for he is fully accountable for these decisions. Then let him own it and try to rebase your expectations to avoid being upset in the future. Are none of the DGPs going to the Christening or is it just your SIL's parents/step parents who are going?

Jujujuly · 05/07/2021 14:23

I do think it’s crap because it sounds like they (not she - presumably they decide this as a couple) wee trying to be fair by imposing a blanket policy (no siblings/step siblings or their partners) when actually the relationships are different. Your brother only has one sibling but she has loads.

I agree with pps though that it’s entirely your brother’s job to point this out to her. If he’s not doing it then it’s his problem and his fault, not hers. I can see why she would worry about offending her siblings and therefore not go out of her way to invite you, but your brother should be pushing for it.

I have a similar issue in that DH and I don’t really get on with DH’a brother’s wife. She controls his social life and as a result we don’t see him. I used to feel annoyed with her but over time realised it’s BIL’s fault. He’s not a baby - if he wanted to see us he would.

1forAll74 · 05/07/2021 14:28

I would stay away from all this drama and strife in a family. It does you no good at all, to keep dwelling on family issues that you think are unfair.

Queenoftheflumps02 · 05/07/2021 14:32

I actually think you have a brother problem. If he feels strongly that you and your family should be invited to family events , then he has to have this conversation with his wife. He either therefore dose not mind if you are not invited, does not want to have the conversation, or he has and has been overruled. At the of of the day has has chosen his wife over you, as his sister.

Suspicioussam · 05/07/2021 14:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You have one sibling and you are very close, of course you will be hurt if you're not invited to your niece/nephew baptism!
I am close to my brother and I can't imagine not being invited to something like that. My partner has a huge family and I have a small one, they don't all expect to be invited to everything. For our wedding he didn't invite his whole family as there were too many of them and they totally understand that.
There's no way I wouldn't invite my own brother and his wife to family events, they we are so close and they are the only family I have!

SilentPanic · 05/07/2021 14:33

Surely this is a reverse?!

godmum56 · 05/07/2021 14:34

@Queenoftheflumps02

I actually think you have a brother problem. If he feels strongly that you and your family should be invited to family events , then he has to have this conversation with his wife. He either therefore dose not mind if you are not invited, does not want to have the conversation, or he has and has been overruled. At the of of the day has has chosen his wife over you, as his sister.
yup. start a war or suck it up, your choice
vodkaredbullgirl · 05/07/2021 14:36
Shock
tallduckandhandsome · 05/07/2021 14:37

@Holly60

Huh?? I have nieces and nephews on my husbands side- they aren’t my blood relatives but I am their aunt and they are my DCs cousins, so what else would they be? I’ve never heard anyone differentiate like this IRL, ever!

But you'd probably never see them again if you got divorced. So they're your husband's nieces and nephews.

NiceTwin · 05/07/2021 14:38

Don't baptisms drag on and on?
I'd be thankful I didn't have to sit through it!

Queenoftheflumps02 · 05/07/2021 14:38

Oops, that should obviously read " at the end of the day he has........"

Cameleongirl · 05/07/2021 14:39

I agree with other posters who say you've got a brother "problem", rather than a SIL problem. If your brother felt strongly that things should be done differently and more people invited to these events, he would insist on it - but he clearly doesn't feel that strongly.

My DH is from close family, but tbh, he doesn't make the same level of effort as his older sister, for example. His brother makes even less effort with his siblings than DH...doesn't mean they don't love each other, but their priorities have shifted.

I'm sure your brother still loves you, but his wife and children are now his immediate family (in his eyes) so they come first. He'll do what suits them best.

IcedSpice · 05/07/2021 14:40

can anyone explain what this is about?

Muchasgracias · 05/07/2021 14:42

YABU

Your sentiments in the last paragraph about her father are horrible and unnecessary. From that alone it would not surprise me if your SILs interpretation of “closely bonded sister” was “overbearing, interfering sister”.

BadNomad · 05/07/2021 14:42

Your cousins got to go to the wedding but her step-siblings didn't?

Calmdown14 · 05/07/2021 14:45

Assuming the wedding was in Covid times, I can perhaps see why your husband couldn't go but it could have been handled better.
I'd want to see my niece or nephew christened. I get why you are upset.
Maybe you'll just have to accept she's in a difficult position for formal occasions and see how you get on inviting them round. That will give you a better idea of whether she just doesn't prioritise family or whether it's more about avoiding a big row of 'they came so so should x,y and z.'
Why don't you offer the olive branch. Say 'we understand it's difficult for you to invite us to the formal bit but we'd like to celebrate with you. Why don't you come for dinner, a BBQ, snacks??'
Decide how you go from here to the reaction you get back.

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 14:48

OP,

This is down to your brother.
I can imagine it is upsetting if you were close, especially for your parents, but your brother is a part of those decisions, so express your upset to HIM.

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