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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think comment from boss was out of order

76 replies

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 14:31

I work 15 hours per week in one of my jobs, there are 5 of us doing the same job and we don't all work on the same days so if we ever want to swap a day it's ok as long as we get the ok from the boss (it's always like treading on eggshells as he's so moody)

A few weeks ago my husband told me late on Saturday night that he'd unexpectedly got the Monday off. As it happened to be his birthday he asked could I have it too if possible. As it was quite late I messaged on Sunday around 11am to the work group (boss not on that) to see if anyone could swap with me. I also messaged boss to ask if it was ok and said not to worry if it wasn't as I'd be in as normal. He read the message straight away but didn't reply.
One person said she could swap if I could tell her asap as she needs to swap her plans. I told her I was waiting for an answer. At 9.35pm he messaged to say yes if it could be covered and no if not. By then there were various messages on the other group saying x could do this and y could do that etc, all very confusing! but basically it was too late. So, I put a message on the group that includes boss ( I did this so that he/everyone knew exactly what was happening as there has been confusion in the past with people coming in due to swaps etc) to say "Hi guys, no worries for tomorrow I will be in as usual. Sorry for late reply was waiting on boss. See you all tomorrow"

At 11. 15pm that night I was woken up by my phone. A message from boss saying "I did not appreciate your sarcastic comment. If you are not happy with my management style I suggest you come and see me. You purposely made it look like I had not replied for almost ten hours"

To say I was fuming was an understatement!! I went in to see him the next day and he was livid. He said that I should not have told anyone that I was waiting for a reply from him. Well what was I supposed to tell them then? He said "you messaged me on a day out with my family and expect an immediate reply" I pointed out that I had not expected anything of the sort and had even said it wasn't an issue if not possible. I said "as for messaging you on a Sunday, you have messaged me many times after 11pm and on the weekend" his reply was "yes and??? I can do that as your manager"

The bit I am asking AIBU to is this.

He then said "you need to remember how good the company were to you, in giving you that time off for your mental health last year"

I was so taken aback I couldn't speak. My family had gone through an incredibly traumatic time and it had made me ill. I took 4 weeks unpaid with no sick pay.

Was he overstepping the mark with this comment?

OP posts:

wjg65ka · 04/07/2021 14:34

Hmm I hate the idea of staff swapping shifts a lot. He's probably annoyed about it. Does he work weekends? As if you've text on the Sunday and he wasn't working, he has no need to reply.

Idk tbh. You've obviously not intentionally meant to upset him, but I can see why he would feel annoyed.

wjg65ka · 04/07/2021 14:35

Sorry pushed send too soon, the comment over your mental health that he made was completely unreasonable and I would want to speak to higher management about that.

Gladiolys · 04/07/2021 14:38

I think it was understandable that he was annoyed about your comment on the group because although unintentional it does come across as a bit sarcastic. But he generally sounds like a total shit, and his comment about your mental health was absolutely unacceptable.

KikiniBamalam · 04/07/2021 14:39

I’d be raising a grievance about your time off for mental health comment.

AdriannaP · 04/07/2021 14:44

YABU for trying to swap your shift so late and can understand he was annoyed you expected an immediate reply on a Sunday. Imagine the other way round? You would be in arms. (It’s my day off etc)
It does sound like he is annoyed with the constant shift swapping. If anything your DH should have told you about his day off earlier.

Why didn’t still swap when you had the go ahead?

Mansplainee · 04/07/2021 14:45

I think you were both being unreasonable to be honest.
I can see why your message to the group irritated him. You’d messaged on a Sunday when he was with his family and then appeared to be saying it was his fault that you couldn’t swap the shift in time. Your boss deserves a life too and you shouldn’t expect him to be available to answer your messages on his days off.

He was unreasonable too though in the way that he spoke to you, he could have given you this feedback professionally and it sounds like he was quite nasty. And no you are not ‘lucky’ to have been given unpaid leave for your mental health issues, you surely should have been entitled to at least SSP during that time. But that’s another matter.

In your shoes I’d probably try to swallow my pride and find a way to clear the air. Your life will be a lot easier if you can have a good relationship with your boss.

Faranth · 04/07/2021 14:46

Everything else aside - he did take almost 10 hours to answer! Perhaps if people knowing that is such an issue he should have answered a bit sooner!

He sounds like a complete knob.

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 14:46

No he doesn't work weekends, but it has never been an issue before. He has always said to message whenever and he will get back when he can. We don't work weekends either but he has messaged before and also after 11pm/11.30pm.

Shift swapping doesn't happen that often!

OP posts:

AppleKatie · 04/07/2021 14:48

Yanbu
He blew it out of proportion and doesn’t like to be questioned.

His comment about your MH was below the belt and saying that it’s fine for him to message at evenings/weekends but not you is also inappropriate.

DrManhattan · 04/07/2021 14:49

You are being unreasonable- how can your husbands birthday come as a surprise lol ?
You could have arranged the shift swap before.
See it from your boss's perspective

Janaih · 04/07/2021 14:51

YABU about the shift swapping. I wouldn't be surprised if its banned for all from now on.
He is BU with the time off for mental health comment.

NutterflyEffect · 04/07/2021 14:51

Tbh if I was your boss I'd be pissed off. You are trying to swap a shift very last minute on a Sunday because you fancy a day off. He was with his family and didn't want to have to sort out work on his weekend. Then you did imply it was his fault

What I would have expected if you are going to ask to swap shifts last minute is that you have someone in place to cover you ready. So you can message with 'would it be alright if me and x swap shifts for tomorrow and weds'.

His mental health comment though was completely out of order

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 14:51

@Mansplainee I hear what you're saying but he has also messaged many times on Sunday when I am with my family and very late at night, and no, I don't work weekends. If he does not want messages at the weekend I get that but he has always stated it's not an issue.

OP posts:

Mpsister · 04/07/2021 14:53

You're being massively unreasonable by sending a message to everyone saying you were waiting for the boss to respond. I'm absolutely staggered that you don't have the common sense to realiise that this this was totally unacceptable and inappropriate.
His comment about your mental health was uncalled for, but I imagine that he was justifiably annoyed by your unprofessional behaviour.

Wearywithteens · 04/07/2021 14:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SilentPanic · 04/07/2021 14:57

His comment about your MH was off, but your message to the group was snarky and rude. He was right to pull you up on it.

Hercisback · 04/07/2021 14:57

To send that message to the group with your boss was a bit silly.

But his comment to you re mental health was out of order.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 04/07/2021 15:04

The comment about your mental health was not on and you should address that. Your comments into the groups WhatsApp was also out of order and I’m not surprised your boss was angry. Not sure what you were fuming about at that point.

notacooldad · 04/07/2021 15:13

I'm not sure why the shift swoop is a problem as long as the rota is covered and there isn't an expectation that some one will swoop. The only expectation is that you "pay them back", especially if it is a premium day. Eg if they cover your Saturday night when they are off, you do one if theirs. We don't ask if there's isn't a manager round just alter the rota.

Your message does sound a bit sarky.
He is massively unreasonable to be mentioning your MH issues.

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 18:05

@AdriannaP

That's just it though! I didn't expect an immediate reply at all. I even said in my message to him that if I can't have it then it's not an issue.

I couldn't have arranged it before because my husband did not find out until well after 10pm that he was getting the Monday off

OP posts:

TheUndoingProject · 04/07/2021 18:11

I’d have been a bit annoyed at your creating an enormous fuss on a Sunday and then making me look like the bad guy.

His reaction about your mental health was totally inappropriate, but his irritation at the general situation was justified in my view.

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 18:13

@DrManhattan

Of course my husband's birthday did not come as a surprise. What came as a surprise was finding out he was going to be off on the Mondsy. He found this out way after 10pm on the Saturday night. It is only the second time I have ever messaged him at weekends and in my message I told him it was no issue if I couldn't have it.

Messaging him at the weekend happens rarely but he has always told everyone it is not an issue. As I said, he often messages after 11pm and also on the weekend occasionally.

OP posts:

Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 18:18

I think you were bu with the group message.

It did look like a public dig at him. But he was really unreasonable with the comment about time off.

Original poster

Littlejobsworth · 04/07/2021 18:34

I get what you are saying about the message on the group saying I had been waiting for a reply. It absolutely wasn't meant to be sarcastic. The other ladies had been messaging asking if it was a yes or no from him so they were aware anyway that he hadn't replied.

Not sure who said I had caused an enormous fuss on a Sunday but it was a one line message that required a one word answer. Messaging him on a Sunday (done rarely) has never been an issue before. I was fuming about the message he sent me yes as I think it was something he should have spoken to me about in person. He is aware of the very difficult situation I was in the previous year and I felt it was a really cheap shot to bring it up and tell me how "lucky I was to have been allowed it"

OP posts:

andweallsingalong · 04/07/2021 18:43

Don't understand why you didn't just message the group and say boss says yes, can anyone still cover?

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